Spanking

[allieisme]

I think of it like this.... If I was in charge of a store and one of my employees started screaming at the top of his lungs and knocking things off
the shelf... would it make me angry? yes. Would I pull off my belt and start whipping him with it? NO! So why would we as parents impose such an abusive
punishment on our weakest and most vulnerable humans?

Would you start spanking them though (I was kidding )
In the whole question with spanking here are my views....
I was spanked with a belt when I was younger, and although it was effective until the sting wore off, that thing hurt! I could never imagine whipping a belt out and using it on my kids..
I have a 5 1/2, 3 1/2 and 9 mo, and if my older 2 get out of line, as in talking back, or just plain not listening, I will spank them with my hand.. When my older daughter Kyla was around 3, a co worker of mine gave me a good idea. She had what was called "Mr Sadstick" when she was growing up, and all it was, was a wooden spoon. So I got a wooden spoon and decorated it with my daughter's name, and alot of sad faces and I wrote on it, I didnt want to have to use it, or something along those lines, and at first all I had to do was threaten to get the darn thing out and she stopped misbehaving, but then that novelty idea wore off, and I've used it actually a couple of times, but my hand is way more convienant
I dont think it is abusive if your trying to keep your kids in line, and trying to teach them discipline.

 

[MyNameAlreadyTaken]

Nothing BUT spanking worked for me. My youngest sister on the other hand, all it took was a "look".

It all depends on the kid. I am not angry with my parents for spanking me nor am I discouraged. Interestingly enough, my mom was never spanked and she suffered severe depression while I was growing up. I remember the times when she would use me as a sounding board -not a good idea by the way- and she would say how terrible she was. My grandparents never spanked their kids. My Aunt got pregnant at 13 and later married a guy who adopted her oldest daughter.

I don't think my Aunt spanked her kids either. Two of the kids turned out okay by today's standards. The oldest always gave her mother trouble until she became a Christian (after she had one child out of wedlock, married the father, had another child and got divorced because he was cheating on her). The second oldest is a teacher, but doesn't get along with any of the others, The oldest son is on the lazy side, spending all his money on "toys" and the youngest son seems to be doing well, but doesn't get along with the rest of the kids either (although now they all get along with the parents.)

My point is? It depends on the kid. In time out, I would get angrier. I couldn't think of what I did (that is what time out is supposed to be for), I was too busy thinking how unfair it was that

 

[pmcleanj]

Nothing BUT spanking worked for me.

Actually, you can only testify that nothing that your parents tried worked for you. This is always the catch-22 with anecdotal evidence about childrearing. On the one hand no parent has ever truly tried everything, and on the other hand no parent has ever truly been faced with every personality and complexity of childhood.

In time out, I would get angrier. I couldn't think of what I did (that is what time out is supposed to be for), I was too busy thinking how unfair it was that

The best way to use time out, is simply as a chance to cool tempers and de-stress. That's how it was originally proposed -- not as a punishment at all. I let my daughters decide for themselves when they're ready to leave time out. Children become angry and frustrated when they are powerless and lack of control over their own lives and feel they have no options (and for that matter, so do adults!). When she can choose where to take her time out and when to leave it, the child can use it as a tool to self-management that will remain useful into adulthood. That's my job as a parent as I see it -- to give my child tools and skills to be a successful adult.

By now, I don't even have to make "time out" formal -- I just say mildly "you're getting upset, and it's making you rude. Take a break, take a deep breath, think about what you want to say, and we'll talk more about it when you're ready." Since I don't listen to rude people, if they want me to help solve their problem or endorse their plan or whatever, then it's in their best interest to get themselves under control. I find I don't need to use punishment when I stop trying to control others and let their enlightened self-interest work instead.

 

[MyNameAlreadyTaken]

The best way to use time out, is simply as a chance to cool tempers and de-stress. That's how it was originally proposed -- not as a punishment at all. I let my daughters decide for themselves when they're ready to leave time out. Children become angry and frustrated when they are powerless and lack of control over their own lives and feel they have no options (and for that matter, so do adults!). When she can choose where to take her time out and when to leave it, the child can use it as a tool to self-management that will remain useful into adulthood. That's my job as a parent as I see it -- to give my child tools and skills to be a successful adult.

That's just it. My parents tried time out as a time to cool off. I never did during that time. I would be there just stewing getting angrier. They had tried it more than once because they didn't really want to spank.

In the end I would run right out into the road afterwards anyway, use the butterknives to unscrew the face plates for the outlets, and destroy my toys to see how they worked. Although the last wasn't necessary for spankings (my mom was upset that I took apart my doll that my grandmother gave me and was at her wits end since she couldn't afford to replace it and I guess it was right after I've destroyed my father's eight track and had taken apart their alarm clock and I think I destroyed a few other things, but I don't remember), the other two were because they were life threatening. If they warned me of the dangers, I was oblivious to them. Time out wouldn't had worked in these situations because I wasn't angry, I was just curious, putting me into time out just made me angry. Hiding the screwdrivers didn't work because I found the butterknives and hiding those didn't work because I managed to use a rock. (Ever heard of the saying, where there is will there's a way? I was strong willed).

I actually burned myself twice before my father finally threatened to spank me for getting too close to the stove. Oddly enough, I listened to the threat and ignored my experiences.

And you're right. No parent has tried everything but I know alot of parents who try everything that they know. So, I'll rephrase the statement: They tried everything that they knew. This included reasoning (that didn't work. I certainly wasn't reasonable), disappointment lectures (that worked for a while until I realized I was just a big disappointment and it wouldn't matter anyway - which is the tactic my Grandmother used, no wonder why my mother was always depressed), taking all of my toys away and putting them in the cellar until I would pick up the few that I had because I refused to clean my room. A year later, a flood overtook the basement and destroyed the toys that were still waiting for my clean room (which was still a mess).

How am I now? I'm not bitter. When I look back, I don't see how anything could have worked. The only time I didn't tempt fate was when I was threaten a spanking. When I got older I didn't smoke, I waited until I got married but all before I became a Christian. Why? I knew that the risk wasn't worth the popularity of smoking or the 5 minutes of pleasure of casual sex. The "morning after" wasn't worth drinking myself drunk (not to mention the lack of respect from doing stupid things) the night before.

Now, my parents were perfect (remember I mentioned my mom using me as a "sounding board" when she was depressed). I have all the symptoms of ADHD and had them all throughout childhood, so my parents would get angry at me when those symptoms showed up. When my mom was depressed she always thought that everything anyone said was a direct attack on her.

Fortunately, I understand that sometimes she acted that way due to a mental condition and I don't hold it against her. Nor do I hold anything against my father who actually told me that he was proud of me alot (more than his father did for him). He grew up where children were seen and not heard.

My parents stopped spanking me when I reached 6. It seemed that it finally paid off. I was still alive and I finally understood consequences to my actions and the possiblitly of getting hurt if I do stupid things.

When my husband does something to offend me, I usually ask questions (not in a nagging sense, but in a conversational sense) and I usually find out it is a misunderstanding on my part. As a result, we never fight (he does the same to me when I offend him). So, you see, I turned out to be quite responsible without the "tools". Like I said in a previous post, it all depends on the kid.

Now that you have my life story, what do you think?

 

[Sheena_Va]

So, instead, you'd pull your employee's pants down and spank his/her bare bottom? Interesting

Caelum : 1
Sheena : 0

 

[JVD]

Just remember to do it in love. We have 4 children. The oldest is 17 and the youngest is 9. The oldest 2 never get spankings anymore and I would say the youngest one gets very few.

Work seems to get their attention better at this stage. My 14 year old has cleaned the toilets many times for calling her little brother names.

Just make sure it stings them good but doesn't bruise or hurt them otherwise. I found that my wife was too gentle with her spankings, she used her hand out side t he clothes. She seemed to give more of them but when Dad gave a spanking the kids knew they had one.

 

[MrsLeahD]

I'm not a parent yet, but I've been around several kids who are never spanked (at least not around me) and they are the ones in charge, not their parents.
My parents spanked me, although with bare hands and clothes on, although there was a time or two my dad got my bare hind end. Whew! Although I think kids in general know that when their dad is going to "get them" its going to be worse. At least I did anyway!!

 

[Daughter of His]

I have to worst memories of my Mom spanking me with terrrible anger. I love my Mom and forgave her long ago, but have the memories none the less. Please remember if you choose to spank, do it in love.

Our Pastor talked about spanking not long ago. Said he spanked his but never with his hand. He talked about the hand of God and how a parent's hand should be love, giving and kindness, like the gentle touch on a child's head when they have a fever. His advice was to use a paddle of sorts.

We didn''t spank our kids, now 13 and 17. The exception, I spanked the oldest, three swats to the backside and I felt like I was just a big person hitting a little person. I questioned what this was teaching, to pick on people smaller than yourself? We all need correction and disipline for sure, there are many ways to teach acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

 

[lucypevensie]

Hi I have a few questions about spanking. I am a parent struggling to discipline my children. I discipline in love not anger.

Here are my questions.

1. Should a hand or object be used? What object do you use to administer a spanking?

2. Should it be done over clothing or bare bottom? Some say it's more effective bare bottom.

3. How many swats should be given? When do you stop the spanking?

4. What do you do if they try and kick and get away during a spanking?


Hope some good chrisitan parents can help

Thanks

Kim

In response to the questions:

1. In my opinion, a tool should be used. I use a wooden spoon.

2. Just my opinion again, over clothing should be sufficient. At least in our family it is. To have to deal with clothes and such prolongs the punishment and it's unpleasant enough as is.

3. I always tell my children how many swats they will be given, and then count them out loud. They know that I'm in control of my temper and I'm not just wailing away on them. It's never more than 3 (but see the answer to the next question for more info).

4. It is of utmost importance to remain calm when they do this. My son used to do this. Like I said above I always tell them hown any swats they will be receiving. However once he refused to turn and receive the punishment (and hit and kicked and screamed bloody murder) I'd say "that will now be two swats". If it continued again it became 3, and 4, and 5... We only had to go through this process about 3 times before he knew that accepting the original punishment is in his best interest. This is the scenario that requires the most patience you can imagine! Afterwards you can hug and cry and pray.

Another thing: Always pray before and after. Pray before that you will be just, and pray after with your child, teaching them to ask forgiveness and for God's help in their llittle lives.

 

[bliz]

My kids are now 23, 20 and 17. The only time we ever spanked was for outright, in-your-face defiance, which meant that they were defying God's order. We spanked very seldom; the youngest child was only spanked once.

I would never dream of removing my children's clothing to spank! I never counted out how many swats I gave or planned a particular number in advance. I wasl always angry when I spanked, but never out of control. I have a hard time imagining a calm parent administering a spanking - that sounds like torture! There is something so calculating and pre-planned in your question that, frankly, it gives me the chills.

I am reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds to me as if your kids out of control or your expectations for them are. A change in spanking techniques or policy is not going to improve matters at all.

How often are you spanking? How old are your kids? How well is it working?

I remember being with a momn who left the food co-op every few minutes to spank her son. She returned one time and apologized saying that it's the only thing that seemed to work. I asked how often she spanked. "oh, about 20 times a day." Reality check! If you're doing it 20 times a day, no, if you are doing it 20 times a year, it isn't working and you need a new approach to helping your children grow to be the people God made them to be.

May I suggest that you stop spanking for awhile, since it doesn't seem to be an effective method, and try something different. A true time out system works very well. Natural consequences are very effective. Post again and tell us a little more about what you dealing with and how old your kids are and we may be able to be more helpful.

Remember - your role as Mom to these children in temporary. Your eternal role is as their sister in the Lord.

 

[RJHarmony84]

Well I'm not a parent but as a kid I got a lot of experience with spanking, if that counts. Personally, I think that it's really hard to know the right answers to these questions unless you know what kind of kids you're dealing with. I was very stubborn and irresponible, and deserved every hearty whack I got--I think I'm a better person for it. My parents used a wooden spoon or ruler, tho unfortunately they usually broke 'cause I was a tough kid.

1. Should a hand or object be used? What object do you use to administer a spanking?
I think either works just fine, but don't purposely use something that would or could do a lot of damage.

2. Should it be done over clothing or bare bottom? Some say it's more effective bare bottom.
Clothing, no doubt. Baring us, especially in front of other ppl, makes us embarrassed and resentful and brings to mind nasty stories of parents who take punishment too far...
3. How many swats should be given? When do you stop the spanking?
in our house, it was 2 good swats. If you tried to put your hands over yourself, your hands got swatted, and you earn one extra for trying to cheat.
4. What do you do if they try and kick and get away during a spanking?
I think this has been mentioned before--hold on tight until they realise it's no use to fight. sometimes this works so well that they repent and then it's sometimes nice to forget about spanking them. But not too often, or they'll start to think all they have to do is cry & fight a lot. And if the screaming gets too much for you--buy some good earplugs and stock up on patience.
One question you didn't mention that I'd like to add--
5. Should spanking be done while other people (family) are still in the room?
And my answer is, if one child has been in partnership with the other in getting into enough trouble to need spanking, sometimes it's a good idea to have them watch or at least be in the room. Sometimes it cultivates sympathy to your siblings when they take the fall for you, and you have to see them getting punished.
Mostly, just be sensitive...each kid is different, and some kids may never need spanking. But some, like me, would be a lot worse off if we'd never been spanked for our transgressions!

 

[Blindfaith316]

Well I'm not a parent but as a kid I got a lot of experience with spanking, if that counts. Personally, I think that it's really hard to know the right anwars to these questions unless you know what kind of kids you're dealing with. I was very stubborn and irresponible, and deserved every hearty whack I got--I think I'm a better person for it. My parents used a wooden spoon or ruler, tho unfortunately they usually broke 'cause I was a tough kid.

1. Should a hand or object be used? What object do you use to administer a spanking?
I think either works just fine, but don't purposely use something that would or could do a lot of damage.

2. Should it be done over clothing or bare bottom? Some say it's more effective bare bottom.
Clothing, no doubt. Baring us, especially in front of other ppl, makes us embarrassed and resentful and brings to mind nasty stories of parents who take punishment too far...
3. How many swats should be given? When do you stop the spanking?
in our house, it was 2 good swats. If you tried to put your hands over yourself, your hands got swatted, and you earn one extra for trying to cheat.
4. What do you do if they try and kick and get away during a spanking?
I think this has been mentioned before--hold on tight until they realise it's no use to fight. sometimes this works so well that they repent and then it's sometimes nice to forget about spanking them. But not too often, or they'll start to think all they have to do is cry & fight a lot. And if the screaming gets too much for you--buy some good earplugs and stock up on patience.
One question you didn't mention that I'd like to add--
5. Should spanking be done while other people (family) are still in the room?
And my answer is, if one child has been in partnership with the other in getting into enough trouble to need spanking, sometimes it's a good idea to have them watch or at least be in the room. Sometimes it cultivates sympathy to your siblings when they take the fall for you, and you have to see them getting punished.
Mostly, just be sensitive...each kid is different, and some kids may never need spanking. But some, like me, would be a lot worse off if we'd never been spanked for our transgressions!

You sure you don't have kids?? that was so right on, you have a lot of insight!!!

 

[RJHarmony84]

Lol, Blindfaith316, I am the oldest of 7 kids...that makes me Mommy#2!

 

[Totally Transformed]

Kimmie, please go to Dr. Dobson's web site at this url:

http://family-topics.custhelp.com/cgi-bin/family_topics.cfg/php/enduser/std_alp.php?p_sid=wL4K8pdh&p_lva=&p_li=&p_srch=1&p_sort_by=&p_gridsort=&p_row_cnt=27&p_search_text=spanking&p_page=1

I spank my children and I used his advice and it works! Never spank in anger. Use a neutral object. Never spank with your hand. The hand should always be used to comfort and show love. Speak words of love to them as you spank. Hug and kiss them afterwards. Always spank on the bare bottom. He says spanking should not continue after the age of 8 or begin before 18 months. Lots of good advice from Dr. Dobson.

My son tried to wiggle and squirm, but I just held him tightly so he couldn't move. I usually just had to spank one time sometimes two. Once I heard the tears I knew it was time to stop. Although the tears are there as you're getting ready, you know which tears I'm talking about. Not the ones to get out of being disciplined. Now my son will just come and pull down his pants willingly and lie across my lap when it's time for a spanking. I'd say I've only had to spank him about 10-15 times and he's now 7. My daughter has learned from her brother. She's 3 1/2 and has been spanked maybe 3 times. As soon as I tell her she is going to be spanked she obeys. Same with my son. Funny how they do what you tell them when they know something bad is going to happen.

 

[Grace_of_God]

I do not have children, but when I do, I will spank because I think it is more effective (on most kids) than most other forms of punishment.

"1. Should a hand or object be used? What object do you use to administer a spanking?"

I think I would only ever use a hand on my child.

"2. Should it be done over clothing or bare bottom? Some say it's more effective bare bottom."
For me, I would do it over the clothing on my kids. I don't want to humiliate my kids, I just want to get the message across--I believe this can be done with clothing on.

"3. How many swats should be given? When do you stop the spanking?"
Um...well the only answer I have is: you don't stop too soon but don't go too long either. I think it may end up being different each time.

"4. What do you do if they try and kick and get away during a spanking?"
Since I don't have kids of my own, I haven't had experience. I would say, finish the spanking with a bit more force (although not to the level of abuse which is never okay) and then, if necessary, add another punishment (ie. grounding) on top of that.....

God bless,
~Grace_of_God~

 

[Seeking...]

I'm unlikely to spank & I am very uncomfortable with it here's why. My mother spanked me from about 2 to 9 years of age. When I was young it was with a paddlle and eventually I graduated to a bamboo stick which she named Mr. Persuader. Other physical discipline included slaps and pulled ears. My mother never broke the skin or bruised me - nothing she did could be called physically abusive, but guess what, I was terrifed of my mother when I was young & then I began to hate her. It wasn't her so much as it was my personality. For me, implement or not, there was no separation from the punishment and my mother. I was terrified of her, of angering her, of disappointing her or of embarrassing her. Prior to punishment I would be sent to my room to wait - she made sure I knew what was coming so I could stew. I was usually in near hysterics by the time she came in, and I am sure she thought it was merely manipulative tears - but it wasn't. I was then stripped naked and placed over her lap. If I managed to wriggle away - she could still swat a leg. There was no predetermined number of swats - she stopped when she knew there had been "enough". When I understood what persuade meant - I thought she was sick. At some point I realized that I was so angry at her that if she ever so much as slapped me again I would probably strike her back before I'd have time to stop myself. I told her & luckily she saw I was serious and never hit me again.
If you are wondering- I no longer hate my mother, I love her very much and realize she just did as best she knew how. The reality is, my mother made the mistake that lots of parents make - she saw me as merely an extension of herself. She failed to see my actual personality as a child. She thought I would react to things the way she did, but I was wired differently. I honestly don't understand anyone who says that they will spank, cause it was good for them & it's good for most kids - so it will be good for theirs. At least wait until you have a child and determine the appropriate discipline for their nature.

 

[Hatsumi]

The reality is, my mother made the mistake that lots of parents make - she saw me as merely an extension of herself. She failed to see my actual personality as a child. She thought I would react to things the way she did, but I was wired differently. I honestly don't understand anyone who says that they will spank, cause it was good for them & it's good for most kids - so it will be good for theirs. At least wait until you have a child and determine the appropriate discipline for their nature.

Hear, hear! Good for you for thinking for yourself!

 

[jharkins]

All the scriptures I have found refer to a rod. So using a utensil is OK.

 

[thirstforGod]

My son is almost 9 and has had maybe 5 spankings. I use a paddle on the outside of his jeans. I paddle him for certain reasons only. Lying is a major offense in my home. If he does something he knows he shouldnt, he gets privledges taken away. But if he LIES about it..he gets a paddleling. He gets 3 swats after which I tell him I love him and that I want him to grow up to be a good man. I always ask him why he was spanked and he has to tell me. That way he knows why its happening. He is one of the few children I know that will NOT lie. I do not tolerate fighting or disrespect either. But I never give more than three swats and I never punish without explanation and lots of love. He has never struggled because if he does he gets an extra swat.

 

[jhco50]

Hi I have a few questions about spanking. I am a parent struggling to discipline my children. I discipline in love not anger.

Here are my questions.

1. Should a hand or object be used? What object do you use to administer a spanking?

2. Should it be done over clothing or bare bottom? Some say it's more effective bare bottom.

3. How many swats should be given? When do you stop the spanking?

4. What do you do if they try and kick and get away during a spanking?


Hope some good chrisitan parents can help

Thanks

Kim

I'm on my last child and she is 16. I believe in spankings, but they must be admistered with love and they must be reasonable. If I spanked one of my kids, it was for correction of a situation deserving of corporal punishment. I used a belt and administered (2)two swats. If I was lied to I administered (3) swats, and the last one was a doozy. Do not bare seat a child. It is extremely humiliating and very embarrasing. It is not necessary to put any person through that humiliation, it just causes resentment. My mother was still bareseating when I was 11 years old. My aunt finally stepped in and told her I was too old for that kind of punishment. I still resent her niavity.Most spankings can be a hand on the butt. It is not necessary to always belt a child. Save that for the really bad stuff, like sassing, lying, etc. What I'm trying to say is use common sense.