How to Mourn the Grief of Intangible Losses?

[linux.poet]

Recently, I am reading Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright. What struck me about the book was that his description of how grief affects people going through it was a more apt description for many intangible things I have lost over the years, not just loved ones who are asleep in Christ awaiting resurrection.

Here’s a list of things that I’ve lost over the years that I’m wondering how to properly mourn the loss of.

Jobs/Career Opportunities
Interests that I wanted to pursue (namely programming, I seem to lose that over and over again trying to get it back)
Time/College (I got my college degree but I lost 10 years of my life doing it.)
Personal safety
Personal stability
Self-respect
Self-confidence
Desire for Singleness (this was incredibly brutal to lose and made me feel like a spiritual failure)
Trust in God and ability to understand Him
Forum accounts (no, seriously, at one point I went to full trauma and grief over losing one of those. I had emotional priority issues back then.)

Any advice? For some reason I think the intangible losses are actually harder for me to grieve than the tangible ones. My default mode for an intangible loss is “get that back and make everyone who took it away from me pay!” which is sin nature loaded. It’s like sitting in front of God and being like a little child shouting “noooo! Give me that back! Evil unbelievers stole my toy!”. So if anyone has advice to help me construct a more faithful and mature response to this, I would appreciate it.

 

[Unqualified]

Have a little service, say a few words and let it go. You have feelings, time heals all wounds it says in the Bible but loss will be felt and the healed scars will be there. Put a little distance between you and them. Your sorrow you say is there, be sorrowful for a time then let it go.

 

[linux.poet]

You have feelings, time heals all wounds it says in the Bible but loss will be felt and the healed scars will be there.

The Bible does not say that time heals all wounds. It is God that does that. See Psalm 147:3 and Jeremiah 30:17.

https://hope1032.com.au/devotions/time-heals-all-wounds-or-does-it-morning-devotions/

In addition, Christ went around healing people personally, which is in direct contradiction to this idea.

Put a little distance between you and them. Your sorrow you say is there, be sorrowful for a time then let it go.

I’m sorry friend, but what if Satan was the thing that took it away from you and you’re supposed to take it back? “Let it go” feels like secular advice, in line with the conforming to the patterns of this world.

I have to say, if Disney and Skillet are doing a song battle in my head, Skillet will win every time. That’s a pretty silly way of putting it. But it’s true. It’s not sorrow I’m trying to get rid of, it’s anger. And anger carries with it a sense of importance.

 

[Unqualified]

Maybe God did it, let it go, you can’t change the past. Sorry you’re not reaching the heights of success you want. But life has away of humbling us. Isa 26:3-8.

 

[timf]

Self-respect
Self-confidence
If these were replaced with humility, congratulations.

Personal safety
Personal stability
If these were replaced by a growing trust in God, congratulations.

Time/College (I got my college degree but I lost 10 years of my life doing it.)
If you could have avoided college, it might have been better. The only trouble I have had applying for programming jobs is getting past the personnel people. Once you can talk with the actual people hiring, it is generally not a problem. Debt and social values can be a persistent problem from college exposure.

Desire for Singleness (this was incredibly brutal to lose and made me feel like a spiritual failure)
The phrase, "it is better to marry than to burn", reflects that not everyone can handle celibacy it seems that it is not so much a matter of choice.

Interests that I wanted to pursue (namely programming, I seem to lose that over and over again trying to get it back)
Interests can change and even broaden. One shouldn't expect life to remain static.

Trust in God and ability to understand Him
God does not change. What does change is our understanding. If we had an immature understanding, we should welcome a change even if it seems devastating.

Many changes should not be mourned, but celebrated.

1Co 13:11 When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.

Php_3:8 Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,

Consider the Christian life should be a maturing transition from the selfishness of the flesh to the selfless love of Christ-likeness

2Co 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Recently, I am reading Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright. What struck me about the book was that his description of how grief affects people going through it was a more apt description for many intangible things I have lost over the years, not just loved ones who are asleep in Christ awaiting resurrection.

Here’s a list of things that I’ve lost over the years that I’m wondering how to properly mourn the loss of.

Jobs/Career Opportunities
Interests that I wanted to pursue (namely programming, I seem to lose that over and over again trying to get it back)
Time/College (I got my college degree but I lost 10 years of my life doing it.)
Personal safety
Personal stability
Self-respect
Self-confidence
Desire for Singleness (this was incredibly brutal to lose and made me feel like a spiritual failure)
Trust in God and ability to understand Him
Forum accounts (no, seriously, at one point I went to full trauma and grief over losing one of those. I had emotional priority issues back then.)

Any advice? For some reason I think the intangible losses are actually harder for me to grieve than the tangible ones. My default mode for an intangible loss is “get that back and make everyone who took it away from me pay!” which is sin nature loaded. It’s like sitting in front of God and being like a little child shouting “noooo! Give me that back! Evil unbelievers stole my toy!”. So if anyone has advice to help me construct a more faithful and mature response to this, I would appreciate it.

This is an excellent inquiry, sister, and I wish I could say I have a nice, clear cut, wise answer for you, but I don't. Some of us, like myself for instance, suffer from what I call an ongoing 'Ghost Rider Effect.' It sounds rather juvenile, I know, but it cites the fact that we, and perhaps even our entire families, seem to have been touched by an (***cough***) angel during a very young age in life and we've never quite been able to fully recover from it. The grief remains, even if to a lesser degree.

Sure, I've read lots of books over the years on trauma, recovery, coping, self-improvement, and/or regaining what has been lost or stolen from me. But the best thing that has served to help me cope in life was to come across The Screwtape Letters in tandem with my initial serious engagement with the New Testament. I use it as a constant heuristic by which to reflect and recompose my focus and expectations whenever I find my mind and emotions spinning out like a pinball in a pinball machine, when I'm battered around by forces beyond my control.

What does this mean to me? It means there is no easy bit of wisdom I can read or take in (or give) that will somehow enable me to superfy my life and become all that I wish I could have ever been (and obviously never will be). In that humbling and regretful realization, I try to remember that I need to focus on Jesus Christ and where He takes me into eternity, not the "meaning" that the Mammon of the world would otherwise have me commandeer within my outlook on life.

As it is, you have your own struggles and wounds and I would say keep doing what you're already doing. Read that book you've mentioned. Keep hold of some of your personal goals for a job. Pray about the challenges you've listed and take it day by day, being careful who you listen to and who you choose to not listen to. That's all any of us can do in a world that is decidedly against the Christian life until the Lord, Himself, steps in or takes us home.

Anyway, young sister, you have my prayers as you work through all you've been dealing with lately. Peace.