Lust in long distance relationship

[JesusFan37]

I've been dating this guy for a half a year now online. We haven't met yet but.. we're planning on it soon. The thing is, a lot of strong sexual urges have become a huge problem in our relationship. It's really taking a toll on both of us in our own spiritual walks. Every time I engage in a sinful, lustful act, I feel so distant from God. It sets me off on this spiral away from Him, and then next thing you know, I haven't read the Bible in a week. Haven't prayed in weeks. Unable to genuinely give wise counsel. Unable to share about Jesus because I feel incredibly fake for still willingly engaging in sin. Many self-condemning thoughts. Fearful thoughts of God taking this guy away, or allowing me to go through a trial because I keep engaging with this lustful desire. It feels like I'm going into a 'spiritual depression' with all this happening every time I sin lustfully.

We both repent and we take time to reconnect with God, but it just feels like an exhaustive cycle. It's gotten to the point where the flesh on me is so strong that I just want to please it and be okay with it (which is terrifying to admit), or just hurry up and get married so that it's not a problem. Truthfully it's gotten to a point where 'feeling good' seems to be what I desire more, but I know in my Spirit that something is so OFF.

I know that both of us in our hearts want to love each other properly and to have God in the center of us. But we both struggle with lust heavily, and since we opened that door, it's been seemingly impossible to keep shut.

I really love this guy, and I don't want to end things. yet, I've prayed the prayer so many times "Lord if it's not your will, take him away." He hasn't yet, and I wonder if He wants me to do that on my own. To choose Him over this relationship... as I've many times in the past idolized relationships (prior to knowing Him). This is my first relationship with someone also in the Faith, btw.

I just want to know what I should do at this point. I'm supposed to be fasting to reconnect with the Lord but even in the midst of it I am still engaging with this lustful sin. The desire is just so strong, and I know if I meet this guy soon I will definitely engage in the things I shouldn't. I feel so broken, lost, confused, frustrated, double-minded, and just sad.

Could I get some wise counsel on this?

 

[linux.poet]

I hate to say it, but online relationships are pretty fake, and I suffered from terrible bouts of awful lust from them. You’re attracted to and lusting after the fantasy version of the person in question, which is oh-so-very enticing.

The desire is just so strong, and I know if I meet this guy soon I will definitely engage in the things I shouldn't.

I have to question this a little bit. I think if you meet this person in real life, you’re going to be devastated because you fell in love with a fantasy. You didn’t get to know this person in real life or have an opportunity to see their flaws, their relationships, or how they treat other people. For all you know, you’re in the grip of an abuser who is love-bombing you, or you’re even being catfished. The person could be nothing about who they say they are. And even if they were 100% totally honest, reality is never as good as fantasy.

Lust feeds on questions, intrigue, mystery, fantasy. Some people are masters of carrying this intrigue and mystery aspects all the way into real life, but most of us aren’t. We’re too scared. If you’re not willing to live where this guy is, just break it off. If you can’t live where he does, break it off and end the relationship. He will not change for you. If you know where he is, brace yourself, get some protection in the form of friends and other family members, and go find this creep who is ruining your spiritual life. The truth will quiet all the crazy thoughts running around your head.

While you’re at it, have your family members look through all the communication you’ve had with this guy. It will give them an opportunity to meet their future potential son-in-law and turn the voices of intrigue way down. What is hidden has control, what is revealed and discussed becomes light so that your body’s delusions will not carry the day.

 

[Lost4words]

Stay strong. Trust in God.

Lay it all before God.

Temptations are always there. The devil tries to get us to fall. He may win many battles but be determined that he will never win the war!

Offer up this suffering to God, for others.

God bless you

 

[JesusFan37]

I hate to say it, but online relationships are pretty fake, and I suffered from terrible bouts of awful lust from them. You’re attracted to and lusting after the fantasy version of the person in question, which is oh-so-very enticing.


I have to question this a little bit. I think if you meet this person in real life, you’re going to be devastated because you fell in love with a fantasy. You didn’t get to know this person in real life or have an opportunity to see their flaws, their relationships, or how they treat other people. For all you know, you’re in the grip of an abuser who is love-bombing you, or you’re even being catfished. The person could be nothing about who they say they are. And even if they were 100% totally honest, reality is never as good as fantasy.

Lust feeds on questions, intrigue, mystery, fantasy. Some people are masters of carrying this intrigue and mystery aspects all the way into real life, but most of us aren’t. We’re too scared. If you’re not willing to live where this guy is, just break it off. If you can’t live where he does, break it off and end the relationship. He will not change for you. If you know where he is, brace yourself, get some protection in the form of friends and other family members, and go find this creep who is ruining your spiritual life. The truth will quiet all the crazy thoughts running around your head.

While you’re at it, have your family members look through all the communication you’ve had with this guy. It will give them an opportunity to meet their future potential son-in-law and turn the voices of intrigue way down. What is hidden has control, what is revealed and discussed becomes light so that your body’s delusions will not carry the day.

Hey, I really appreciate your response here! I definitely agree that I need the input of family members and those close to me and to involve them in this more than I have been... I can admit that deep down I am afraid of hearing what I don't want to hear from them (which is all the more reason why I should seek wise counsel, I suppose). I've had bad advising before, even from really trusted people in my life, which probably feeds into some hesitancy as well.

I do feel like I should clarify though-- I'm definitely not being catfished, as we've facetimed before. I've also gotten to see quite a bit of his flaws already (Well, at least as much as I can observe through a screen and the things we have discussed. Granted, its not nearly the same as it would be in person). But truly, it's nothing more than what I myself deal with as well, being an imperfect being and all, you know? I've also seen him on FIRE for the Lord (especially prior to us dating and opening the door to lust) so I highly doubt that he is truly a lustful creep intentionally ruining my spiritual life. Otherwise, he could probably be saying the same thing about me, too! I definitely think we are both equally struggling with this.

I really would love to be where he is, or for him to live near me, but we're both still young adults trying to finish up college and get a stable income. It's pretty difficult navigating all of these things at once, which had me reconsidering dating in general at this point in time in life, but I do think that the Lord allowed us to meet for a reason. I just think that we're not stewarding our relationship as well as we ought to.

 

[JesusFan37]

Stay strong. Trust in God.

Lay it all before God.

Temptations are always there. The devil tries to get us to fall. He may win many battles but be determined that he will never win the war!

Offer up this suffering to God, for others.

God bless you

Thank you so much! I've been pushing off really basking in His presence and giving this all to Him, I know I need to do that more than anything.

God bless you!

 

[linux.poet]

I do feel like I should clarify though-- I'm definitely not being catfished, as we've facetimed before.

I mean, A.I. deepfakes exist for video calling though.
https://www.r.bank/ai-deepfake-scams-on-the-rise/#:~:text=Video%20Deepfakes&text=They%20used%20a%20celebrity's%20face,or%20over%20work%20video%20calls.

How to protect yourself against deepfake scams in video calls - Nextcloud

Read out guide to learn what deepfake scams are, how spot a scammer, and how to protect yourself with the right techniques and software.

nextcloud.com

Probably not good enough to catfish yet, at least not convincingly.

I definitely agree that I need the input of family members and those close to me and to involve them in this more than I have been... I can admit that deep down I am afraid of hearing what I don't want to hear from them (which is all the more reason why I should seek wise counsel, I suppose). I've had bad advising before, even from really trusted people in my life, which probably feeds into some hesitancy as well.

Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in an abundance of counselors there is victory.

Do not participate in the useless deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them; for it is disgraceful even to speak of the things which are done by them in secret. But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.

You may not need to phrase it how you put it to me, just ask the people to evaluate the relationship. Once you say “I’m being tempted to lust” people might get triggered into a needlessly negative slant on the whole relationship.

But sin likes to hide in isolation and the convenience of turning on your computer, not in the hard work of trying to build a relationship and care for another person. Once you get off that and start injecting reality back into that situation, things get less out of control.

so I highly doubt that he is truly a lustful creep intentionally ruining my spiritual life.

Yes, that was probably needlessly negative language on my part, my apologies. I was trying to throw cold water over your rose colored glasses as much as possible.

I've also seen him on FIRE for the Lord (especially prior to us dating and opening the door to lust)

So you’ve been friends with him before? How did this transition between friendship and dating occur? Did he initiate this idea and talk you into it?

I really would love to be where he is, or for him to live near me, but we're both still young adults trying to finish up college and get a stable income. It's pretty difficult navigating all of these things at once, which had me reconsidering dating in general at this point in time in life

This seems really difficult to me and merits some prayer as I expect that both of you are tied to colleges that are far apart. Matters may be easier when you graduate. Hmm.

 

[Zceptre]

The Rapture is on the doorstep. Would prioritize this, as I always personally think it could be any time including while I'm writing this.

I have been here before in the past, so I have no judgment and will be praying for you intensely.

Determine if you are serious about this in a marriage context, and if so it is better to marry than to burn. (is a scripture, so God makes it serious)

You are seeking genuine love, and sexuality becomes addictive which is what you are dealing with... the addictive nature of it physically.

I would either make a decision to get married if this person is truly trustworthy, or to completely give up such things.

The body is like a caged animal. The more you feed it what it wants when it rattles the cage, the more the cage will be rattled later, especially because feeding anything makes it stronger and gives it encouragement as well.

The emotions and feelings and sensations you feel from these interactions "feel" like "love" to you, and the hormones in the human body increase this feeling, or emotion, intentionally... deliberately... on purpose. (Increases intimacy in a marriage relationship and devotion to each other)

But lust is when it is for "personal" reasons, and not because you chose to put another person first in your life.

Because "I want them" for example, is lust alone. We can easily get confused by our desires, so just putting this here for your own heart-work and prayer time to consider.

I would personally suggest studying Peter and his transition with Lord Jesus, as he was a man who thought he was devoted to Lord Jesus, but found himself weeping and sobbing and heartbroken at finding where his heart truly was.

I think every one of us in life must go through this to some degree if we tell God we love Him and are serious about Him.

If you would die for this person you are involved with, and he would die for you... It is love, as that is selfless.

I would make a decision to some direction, any direction, soon though. Staying "in sin" and "lingering" there is hurting your heart, his heart, and God's heart.

I hate seeing any of my brothers and sisters hearts being hurt and this kind of thing destroys us.

I know full well how difficult this can be, and my heart is aching for you as I write this.

While many think it is a simple thing, it is never simple when you are in the situation yourself, and I will be praying for you diligently and for Lord Jesus to help you in making these decisions.

 

[John G.]

You are college students and therefore have plenty of time ahead of you.
If this is merely lust, the relationship will fizzle out. Remember the story of Adonijah and Tamar?
Time is on your side to figure this out.
If you are serious and this feeling is from God, love will win out over lust. If not, remember Jesus' words about cutting off what offends you (I mean him, not your eyes!)
In any case, a relationship like that would involve immigration for one of you and, as I've been there, that is not an easy thing!

 

[Jo555]

Are you all engaging in anything that is vamping up your sexual desires for one another?

Then stop, even if it is just complimenting each others looks.

Don't engage in anything that you know is wrong over fear of losing him.

I've been dating this guy for a half a year now online. We haven't met yet but.. we're planning on it soon. The thing is, a lot of strong sexual urges have become a huge problem in our relationship. It's really taking a toll on both of us in our own spiritual walks. Every time I engage in a sinful, lustful act, I feel so distant from God. It sets me off on this spiral away from Him, and then next thing you know, I haven't read the Bible in a week. Haven't prayed in weeks. Unable to genuinely give wise counsel. Unable to share about Jesus because I feel incredibly fake for still willingly engaging in sin. Many self-condemning thoughts. Fearful thoughts of God taking this guy away, or allowing me to go through a trial because I keep engaging with this lustful desire. It feels like I'm going into a 'spiritual depression' with all this happening every time I sin lustfully.

We both repent and we take time to reconnect with God, but it just feels like an exhaustive cycle. It's gotten to the point where the flesh on me is so strong that I just want to please it and be okay with it (which is terrifying to admit), or just hurry up and get married so that it's not a problem. Truthfully it's gotten to a point where 'feeling good' seems to be what I desire more, but I know in my Spirit that something is so OFF.

I know that both of us in our hearts want to love each other properly and to have God in the center of us. But we both struggle with lust heavily, and since we opened that door, it's been seemingly impossible to keep shut.

I really love this guy, and I don't want to end things. yet, I've prayed the prayer so many times "Lord if it's not your will, take him away." He hasn't yet, and I wonder if He wants me to do that on my own. To choose Him over this relationship... as I've many times in the past idolized relationships (prior to knowing Him). This is my first relationship with someone also in the Faith, btw.

I just want to know what I should do at this point. I'm supposed to be fasting to reconnect with the Lord but even in the midst of it I am still engaging with this lustful sin. The desire is just so strong, and I know if I meet this guy soon I will definitely engage in the things I shouldn't. I feel so broken, lost, confused, frustrated, double-minded, and just sad.

Could I get some wise counsel on this?

You sound very confused and somewhat tormented. I would advise to take time out from the relationship to seek the Lord further on it and get more clarity.

Your emotions and desires appear to be clouding good judgement. Don't be afraid of losing him because if he has love for you over any lust, he'll wait around. I would advise him to do the same.

It's also a good way to put the relationship to the test. Not that you are doing it for that, but it will test it.

And, if you both truly feel you can't control your urges if you met now, don't meet now.

God bless you. Will pray for you.

 

[Jo555]

Additionally, if we are doing something we know is wrong or off, then God doesn't need to tell us more directly to do what we ought to do, or do for us what we ought to do, but it is good you to pray. When i dated, and i felt my heart getting more involved, i used to pray to God to end the relationship if it wouldn't be a good one. I was always amazed how quickly things would end.

One He just showed me that the guy still had unresolved issues with his ex, so i stepped back. When he came around again, i had lost interest.

Anyway, you don't necessarily have to break it off, unless you feel so led, but you have to grow in your relationship with the Lord and put up boundaries so that temptation doesn't get the better of you, and so does he.

Take a break and seek God for more clarity and strength. That's my advice.

Submit to God, resist the devil, and he will flee.

Notice the order, submission to God first is key, and that should be a result of your love for Him foremost.

 

[Richard T]

There is some great advice in here. Here are just a few thoughts that might be helpful. I will add from my unfortunate experience that lusts and acting upon them will often hurt even the most Godly people who entertain them. Here is a book, (free from this library) that made good sense to me some decades ago. Running the red lights : putting the brakes on sexual temptation : Mylander, Charles : Free Download, Borrow, and Streaming : Internet Archive

One thing I would suggest too is that when you confess your sin, you do not have to wait so long to reach back to God. Rather than wait a week, cling to Him ASAP. Don't get so comfortable though with sin that you become somewhat immune to it. However, if you are trying only in your own strength you are likely to fail. Premeditated sin is a bad place to be. Christians should never plan on sinning.

 

[Jo555]

Because I've said this in what appears to be a million times, i was going to leave it out, but i will repeat myself as i haven't said it here

There is nothing wrong with having a sex drive. You just don't want it driving you.

Love should be the driving force in your life, and sexual relations should be reserved for the devotion and commitment of marriage.

Leave the guilt and condemnation behind. You've repented for whatever sin you see in your life, now move on. God is not surprised by you. God is not condemning you. He loves you and He wants a relationship with you. You don't have to hide from Him in shame.
He hasn't turned his back on you. Don't turn yours on Him. He is your father and friend. He is for you, not against you. He takes great pleasure when we share our lives with Him.

God doesn't want you to leave your sin because you feel bad for yourself for sinning / failing, but because you love Him with all and neighbor as self. It's grieving over hurting our love, not feeling condemned.

Guilt and condemnation just keeps us on a vicious cycle of looking to ourselves and failure. We need to be looking to Him, maturing in his love, and overcoming.

Things you may know already. I just see so much guilt and condemnation on this site, it grieves me and i feel compelled to share where i believe ir may help.

 

[Jo555]

Because I've said this in what appears to be a million times, i was going to leave it out, but i will repeat myself as i haven't said it here

There is nothing wrong with having a sex drive. You just don't want it driving you.

Love should be the driving force in your life, and sexual relations should be reserved for the devotion and commitment of marriage.

Leave the guilt and condemnation behind. You've repented for whatever sin you see in your life, now move on. God is not surprised by you. God is not condemning you. He loves you and He wants a relationship with you. You don't have to hide from Him in shame.
He hasn't turned his back on you. Don't turn yours on Him. He is your father and friend. He is for you, not against you. He takes great pleasure when we share our lives with Him.

God doesn't want you to leave your sin because you feel bad for yourself for sinning / failing, but because you love Him with all and neighbor as self. It's grieving over hurting our love, not feeling condemned.

Guilt and condemnation just keeps us on a vicious cycle of looking to ourselves and failure. We need to be looking to Him, maturing in his love, and overcoming.

Things you may know already. I just see so much guilt and condemnation on this site, it grieves me and i feel compelled to share where i believe ir may help.

To me it appears many feel it is noble to feel guilty and condemned. That's not life in the Spirit. That is living under the curse of law. No wonder there is so much failure, get out from under the curse.

Thinking we can do it of ourselves is not noble and humble, but pride and it sets us up for failure..

Now that doesn't mean we don't do the denying self thing when it rears its ugly head, but if we are operating under the law with it's focus on self, we may have some temp success, but we will eventually fail.

Ok. Think i done. I apologize if i went on unnecessarily and hijacked your thread. And I don't claim to know it all and have it all right. I'm still learning and growing too, but i do know focusing on our ourselves and our failures is not where a believer is supposed to be. Not that we don't take time to consider what went wrong, but it is the vision of the Lord alive in our hearts that changes us from glory to glory and perfects us in love.

Think it is great you care about it and seeking help with your dilemma. That is priceless.

And remember, the blood of Jesus has you covered as you grow in Him. Enjoy the journey knowing He loves you and is for you.

 

[com7fy8]

Pray until you have peace with God and mature Christians about what to do.

Do not work it out in isolation with him. But share with couples and singles who are good for you.

And do not isolate with him and with your lust stuff.

 

[boughtwithaprice]

Pray until you have peace with God and mature Christians about what to do.

Do not work it out in isolation with him. But share with couples and singles who are good for you.

And do not isolate with him and with your lust stuff.

I've been dating this guy for a half a year now online. We haven't met yet but.. we're planning on it soon. The thing is, a lot of strong sexual urges have become a huge problem in our relationship. It's really taking a toll on both of us in our own spiritual walks. Every time I engage in a sinful, lustful act, I feel so distant from God. It sets me off on this spiral away from Him, and then next thing you know, I haven't read the Bible in a week. Haven't prayed in weeks. Unable to genuinely give wise counsel. Unable to share about Jesus because I feel incredibly fake for still willingly engaging in sin. Many self-condemning thoughts. Fearful thoughts of God taking this guy away, or allowing me to go through a trial because I keep engaging with this lustful desire. It feels like I'm going into a 'spiritual depression' with all this happening every time I sin lustfully.

We both repent and we take time to reconnect with God, but it just feels like an exhaustive cycle. It's gotten to the point where the flesh on me is so strong that I just want to please it and be okay with it (which is terrifying to admit), or just hurry up and get married so that it's not a problem. Truthfully it's gotten to a point where 'feeling good' seems to be what I desire more, but I know in my Spirit that something is so OFF.

I know that both of us in our hearts want to love each other properly and to have God in the center of us. But we both struggle with lust heavily, and since we opened that door, it's been seemingly impossible to keep shut.

I really love this guy, and I don't want to end things. yet, I've prayed the prayer so many times "Lord if it's not your will, take him away." He hasn't yet, and I wonder if He wants me to do that on my own. To choose Him over this relationship... as I've many times in the past idolized relationships (prior to knowing Him). This is my first relationship with someone also in the Faith, btw.

I just want to know what I should do at this point. I'm supposed to be fasting to reconnect with the Lord but even in the midst of it I am still engaging with this lustful sin. The desire is just so strong, and I know if I meet this guy soon I will definitely engage in the things I shouldn't. I feel so broken, lost, confused, frustrated, double-minded, and just sad.

Could I get some wise counsel on this?

I would love to help you, but I would want to know if you are willing to receive that help. I believe you are taking about self gratification or mutual self gratification over the internet? If not, please forgive me.

I believe you feel intense guilt afterward, because it is a grave sin. I had struggled with lust most of my life and did not think that I would ever be free, but thanks to the grace of God, I have been set free. My healing came when I finally understood what marriage is in the eyes of God.

A sex drive is part of life and it is better to marry than to burn with lust, but what is marriage?
Is it a ceremony with a party where we tell all of our friends and neighbors that this is the one for me? That is part of it, but God says there is more to it.

The Bible says that a man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
The Bible also says to fly( a medieval usage of the word which is a stronger form of the word flee) fornication. Fornication is a sin against our own body.

That is why you feel the guilt and lack of God’s presence in you when you partake in lustful acts.
It is a sin unto death, in that it causes the presence of God to leave you. It can be forgiven, but like you said, you have to confess it and ask for forgiveness.

I get the sense that you think everything will be alright if you have the ceremony and say the vows, then your long distance sex acts will be ok.
If you do get married and still engage in that behavior, you may tell yourself it is alright and some of your friends may tell you not to worry, but you will find that the presence of God still leaves you. You don’t know that yet, but it will happen. It is because the acts are disordered in that they are not following the command to become one flesh
We have a sex drive, but God calls us to live in chastity. Chaste sex involves complete submission to the will of God and to your spouse.

Woman was created last, and is to be honored as God’s crowning achievement. A man is commanded to love her and give himself for her. It’s not a suggestion, it is a command.

The woman is highly privileged in that she gets to walk closest to God least encumbered by the world, if she accepts that privilege.

The greatest Christian virtue is humility and its most beautiful demonstration is a wife submitting to her husband as to the Lord. The sin of Satan was Pride demonstrated by his words, I will not serve. Satan enticed us to join him in pleasuring ourselves and ignoring God’s commands to humility and self denial

Sex drive is part of life but we need to fight to not be ruled by it. Marriage does not make what was once sin now ok. Some may think it does and argue for it, but remember the feeling of the presence of God leaving you. That still happens if you engage is disordered lustful acts even after a marriage ceremony.

Chaste sex involves mutual submission to the will of God and no barriers to becoming one flesh. That means in reality not fantasy.

It was when I realized that truth, and accepted it that the demon of lust left me. My sex drive in now under control of my will and does not rule me. The sin that so easily beset me was gone and I wish to glorify God always. When I submitted to the teaching, I felt the grace of God upon me, and it was if He said, you don’t want to do that anymore, it is sinful and of no benefit. I could only say, yes Lord. The psalm became a reality to me in that His rod and His staff comforted me. The only time I use my sex drive is in unencumbered acts with my wife. It has been over 5 years now and God has all the glory
He set me free from the snare of lust

Chaste marital sex involves no barriers to becoming one flesh. That is submission to the will of God. Anything else is holding something back and denying God’s will

I will pray for you

 

[sunshine_]

I had a long distance relationship and know exactly what you mean, the lust/temptation is crazily frustrating lol. For me, the relationship didn't last since we never had that physical connection. We both came together at points in our lives when we both needed companionship, but as soon as we no longer needed that companionship it just fizzled out. If you two really love each other then you two are meant to be together, don't overthink it. I think it's important not to bully yourself for being so tempted, nobody is a perfect saint.

 

[timewerx]

I hate to say it, but online relationships are pretty fake, and I suffered from terrible bouts of awful lust from them. You’re attracted to and lusting after the fantasy version of the person in question, which is oh-so-very enticing.

Many of my relatives met their current husbands from another country online and entering long distance relationship (LDR).

Incredibly, all of them turned out well. Although none of our male relatives is successful with LDR. Maybe no one tried. Ironically, I tried but I think the financial disparity doesn't work both ways. Men aren't bothered by women of lower financial status but doesn't work the other way around despite everything else equal. Money is the huge equalizer.

Anyway, I did not hear about problems of lust, etc.

I think some of you might be overthinking it. You can't escape lust completely. That's OK. What's important is you're able to think objectively and able to discern people so you're not taken advantaged of.

 

[boughtwithaprice]

I had a long distance relationship and know exactly what you mean, the lust/temptation is crazily frustrating lol. For me, the relationship didn't last since we never had that physical connection. We both came together at points in our lives when we both needed companionship, but as soon as we no longer needed that companionship it just fizzled out. If you two really love each other then you two are meant to be together, don't overthink it. I think it's important not to bully yourself for being so tempted, nobody is a perfect saint.

We need not bully ourselves for being tempted. We should rebuke ourselves for giving into that temptation and committing sin.

We may fall but we always aim for perfection as giving up and accepting sin makes a mockery of our Lord. Indulging in sin is a grave matter that requires reflection and prayer as well as meditation on the sacrifice our Lord made for us

 

[linux.poet]

Many of my relatives met their current husbands from another country online and entering long distance relationship (LDR).

Incredibly, all of them turned out well. Although none of our male relatives is successful with LDR. Maybe no one tried. Ironically, I tried but I think the financial disparity doesn't work both ways. Men aren't bothered by women of lower financial status but doesn't work the other way around despite everything else equal. Money is the huge equalizer.

Anyway, I did not hear about problems of lust, etc.

For me, it did not work and would never work because it was cravings for physical touch that drove me into relationship. A literal simple desire for hugs and back rubs. Why put a bunch of emotional effort into a guy on the internet when I don’t even know whether he will ever hold me? The speculation was emotional and physical torture.

Many people, especially women, are more invested in the emotional and spiritual elements of relationship, the more “words of affirmation” love language. They want encouragement and spiritual elevation, cute gifts, small deeds, sappy cards. For those types, the long distance works because they need that. They open their computer, someone says they are the greatest, they feel better and hopeful about their lives.

But men seem to be more physically oriented, looking at women, ranking them on number scales, etc. I mean, why go through a whole bunch of emotional effort for a woman you can’t even see and you don’t know whether she’s 10 or a 2? I’m not quite wired that way (I value kindness, willingness to solve problems, thoughtfulness, and other character qualities in my boyfriend) but I have an obnoxious visual side to me that really cannot be denied, in spite of the obvious female language proficiency that I also possess. No hugs? No relationship. Lack of physicality is actually a deal breaker for me, I have discovered. Pawn to e4, purity culture physicality paranoia. Your move! I have the right king and the right bishops on this board and you are going down!

So I think it has less to do with money and more to do with physicality, at least in my particular case. I do think that you should pursue what you want in a realm where it is actually possible though. Otherwise you’re just chasing a dream, not a real relationship, and thus opening the doors to lust.

Money I’m not really sure about. Part of the money thing is practical, as it is hard to a feed a baby and work at the same time, and the other half is laziness and greed on the part of women, I think. My experience so far has been that if you’re willing to do the work of solving problems and taking care of another person, the money will take care of itself. It’s less about the numbers in your accounts and whether you’re willing to move boxes, cook meals, do laundry, or fix a backyard for an elderly couple. On the internet, that isn’t visible. What good is being married to a 250K guy if you have to wait on him like a slave and he never takes care of you? 0$

Generally speaking, the world is dumb. You’re never looking for the rule, you’re looking for the exception to the world that gives you what you want.

 

[timewerx]

Many people, especially women, are more invested in the emotional and spiritual elements of relationship, the more “words of affirmation” love language. They want encouragement and spiritual elevation, cute gifts, small deeds, sappy cards. For those types, the long distance works because they need that.

A little of those desires and a little like yours too. They also crave for the same things you do but it did not seemed to become a big problem for them.

One problem I noticed is elevated levels of paranoia and jealousy if one sees the other with another of the opposite sex in photos. It's more intense and caused difficulties in some LDRs. Fortunately, the problem disappeared when they finally got together, living in the same house.

There really are challenges and difficulties in LDR but to some people, it's the only good option they have so they have to make it work.

But men seem to be more physically oriented, looking at women, ranking them on number scales, etc. I mean, why go through a whole bunch of emotional effort for a woman you can’t even see and you don’t know whether she’s 10 or a 2?

My female relatives who initially got into LDR and then married, they married men. What you said can also be true about men in LDR but somehow, the LDR worked out well for them and happily married now.

and the other half is laziness and greed on the part of women

Some women are. But there are many career women now. They love their career and will not consider quitting their job to become a housewife. They make good six figure income but would still prefer a guy who makes more money than they do. It is a strong deciding factor.

These couples tend to raise pets like children because both the husband and the wife are working and it's way easier to care for dogs or cats than children in such arrangement.

It's weird that if humans became extinct at some point, our dogs and cats will take our place as the dominant species on the planet.