The OP's wife's behaviour is not abusing him. It's not abuse to do something that in no way impacts on your spouse, even if your spouse doesn't like it.
If I cheat on my spouse....the fact that she doesn't like it but it doesn't impact her means it's not abusive?
This is why I keep saying that you're making a semantic argument. You're literally quibbling about the meaning of "setting boundaries".
I understand that a lot of people can incorrectly throw around the word semantic and therefore perhaps you don't understand what I mean when I say it.
I'm saying that you're claiming that some meaningful existence exists between what I described as "setting boundaries" which has a positive or neutral connotation....and what you're alternatively describing as "abusive" or "controlling/manipulative behavior.....
For some reason though, you don't seem able to express exactly what the difference is....despite your sincere attempt at an example (and I do appreciate the example) so I'll try to break down why I don't see any meaningful difference and then perhaps you can explain why there is one....and it's not merely your opinion of how he should feel (invalidating his feelings) or some kind of double standard you're holding him to... for whatever reason.
1. We already established that we can set valid boundaries for behaviours that don't directly involve us. You agreed that abusing alcohol, a behavior one does to oneself, can certainly be a behavior that your spouse can have a valid boundary for. I'm also fairly certain that behavior that we engage in with people outside of our relationships can be valid issues for boundaries, even when they don't involve the other person in the relationship for example. I've rarely met anyone who doesn't have a boundary about cheating....so obviously I assumed that you would agree that we can have boundaries regarding our spouse's behavior with other people that don't involve us in any way. I understand that I assumed you agreed on this because nearly everyone does...but if I'm wrong and you would be fine with your spouse cheating so long as it doesn't involve or "impact" you....feel free to clear that up. Otherwise, I'm going to continue to assume you would generally agree that all three types of situations listed above are valid situations for boundaries in a romantic relationship. The OP is clearly describing the 3rd type....a behavior that his spouse engages in with someone else without him around and he's clearly uncomfortable with it.
2. Distance/duration. I'm not sure if these were important elements of a valid boundary in your mind but since they are different from the OPs situation....maybe they are. I can't imagine distance really matters....I wouldn't be ok with my wife doing illegal narcotics in front of me or across town. I can imagine that perhaps duration would matter sometimes....as in, his wife only gets 1 massage a year and suddenly it doesn't bother him. It doesn't appear to be the situation though, it seems frequent and ongoing so it's not really relevant here if it is a valid distinction in your mind.
3. The boundary setters' reaction. I literally see you telling your husband if he yells at you, you will remove yourself from the room (and I assume you aren't engaging in continuing the argument through closed doors) so you are both cutting off physical contact and communication in attempt to alter his behavior.....the only difference is you've framed this as a positive thing in your example but it's extremely negative in the OPs example. You've agreed that if the behavior doesn't change....you would end the relationship. What is the difference....apart from your generous framing of the situation when it applies to you?
To draw an analogy, perhaps my spouse doesn't like that I go to book club once a month. He may even have reasons some consider valid. We might have a discussion and come to some agreement, or we may continue to disagree. But while my continuing to go to book club might be inconsiderate, it is in no way abusive.
Regardless of the cost (financial abuse) or possible loneliness and feeling neglected (emotional abuse). I get that you have your own boundaries on what is and isn't acceptable.....so does everyone. Clearly some people here claim they would tolerate the wife's behaviour, others claim this would be a boundary for them as well.
None of that really matters though....because it's not a thread taking a survey on our personal boundaries. It's a boundary for the OP, and instead of dismissing his feelings as invalid or gaslighting him....we should address it as a boundary for him and try to offer helpful advice.
I don't see it as semantics at all. It's the core of the issue, for me. If one spouse is trying to control the other, whether that's through physical violence or constant yelling or threats, that's abuse.
Nobody said (especially not me) that he should yell or commit violence....I suggested he explain why this is a problem with his wife and try to resolve it. If she's unwilling to do so....surely you'd agree that he is free to leave for the benefit of his own mental health?
No. Because having a massage is not an abusive or controlling behaviour.
I don't know if you intentionally oversimplified the problem....but I agree having a massage isn't abusive or controlling. He could give her the massage for example.
