Wife getting massages

[Paidiske]

Setting boundaries isn't coercive or controlling...

Which is why I'm objecting to controlling behaviour being described as boundary setting.

Well clearly it does impact him....and you know why.

I don't think it does impact him.

And yet you came to the same conclusion I did....he's concerned about the possible sexual nature of the massage.

No, I did not come to the same conclusion you did. You think he thinks she's cheating. I think he knows she's not cheating but can't get over his sexualisation of non-sexual touch.

He's obviously not confident in his wife's fidelity.

If he's not confident in his wife's fidelity, then he's being dishonest in his OP, and we have no reliable basis for any discussion of it.

 

[Ana the Ist]

Which is why I'm objecting to controlling behaviour being described as boundary setting.

It's semantics.

Telling her that these massages are something he's no longer comfortable with or won't accept isn't controlling behaviour....it's boundary setting.

I don't think it does impact him.

Sure...he's here asking for advice about something that doesn't impact him at all. That's why it's such a problem....because it's completely without impact.

No, I did not come to the same conclusion you did.

Ahem...


"Well, you know, now that other people can't see them the whole time, who knows what salacious things they could be getting up to?"

Anyway, I didn't say he thinks she's cheating....but I don't think he's as confident that she isn't as he pretends to be.

 

[Paidiske]

It's semantics.

Telling her that these massages are something he's no longer comfortable with or won't accept isn't controlling behaviour....it's boundary setting.

I disagree. No longer comfortable with is one thing. Will not accept - as if he has the right to control where she goes, what she does, who she sees - is quite another.

Sure...he's here asking for advice about something that doesn't impact him at all.

The impact is all in his own head.

Ahem...


"Well, you know, now that other people can't see them the whole time, who knows what salacious things they could be getting up to?"

That was my attempt to put words to his emotional reaction to sexualising a behaviour.

Anyway, I didn't say he thinks she's cheating....but I don't think he's as confident that she isn't as he pretends to be.

If you're going to read into his post things that it doesn't say, it could mean anything at all.

 

[BCP1928]

It's semantics.

Telling her that these massages are something he's no longer comfortable with or won't accept isn't controlling behaviour....it's boundary setting.




Sure...he's here asking for advice about something that doesn't impact him at all. That's why it's such a problem....because it's completely without impact.



Ahem...


"Well, you know, now that other people can't see them the whole time, who knows what salacious things they could be getting up to?"

Anyway, I didn't say he thinks she's cheating....but I don't think he's as confident that she isn't as he pretends to be.

But it is difficult to "set the boundary" because doing so is an accusation that she is, if not now actually cheating on him, too morally weak to continually resist the temptation herself. Is it his responsibility to forbid her any outside activity where she might cheat?

 

[BPPLEE]

There's nothing that says it is....and I would consider a professional setting to be spa-like.



Right...but whatever he thought it was before...it was a massage, and it wasn't sexual. He's clearly capable of not sexualising a massage.




And there's the difference...what is it about his wife, alone with a masseuse, in private, mostly naked for an hour....getting rubbed down with oil that he finds potentially sexual when he didn't before?





I don't think it's a psychological term. Pop psychology maybe.



Ok. If that's how you see it....fine. I'd rather know what my wife's dealbreakers are before we get married personally. Waiting until afterwards is too late.




It's a semantic argument at this point.




Right. I'd only add that the clothes on the floor might be the first of few issues....or it may be the last of many that ultimately changes how you feel about someone.




He didn't give many details on this....so for all we know, he pays for the massages. It could be that she drives far and when added to the hour long massage....he gets less time with her. He's clearly stressed over this...that's unhealthy.

I don't know why you would imagine him unaffected.




Nonsense. Everyone manipulates everyone.





And there it is....he's concerned about his wife's fidelity. I'm not sure why it took so long for you to agree on what he sees as the problem.

Why couldn’t she just go to a woman masseus ?

 

[BCP1928]

Why couldn’t she just go to a woman masseus ?

Why should she? If she does not feel that she is putting herself in the way of a temptation she could' become unable to resist, how should her husband introduce the topic, except by admitting he doubts her moral capacity to resist that temptation?

 

[BPPLEE]

Why should she? If she does not feel that she is putting herself in the way of a temptation she could' become unable to resist, how should her husband introduce the topic, except by admitting he doubts her moral capacity to resist that temptation?

If I was getting massages from a woman and it bothered my wife I would stop out of respect for her. All my friends on Facebook were women, when I got engaged she told me that bothered her so I got off Facebook. Her first husband was unfaithful, it doesn’t bother me to take that into consideration. Maybe someone has cheated on this guy before.

 

[BCP1928]

If I was getting massages from a woman and it bothered my wife I would stop out of respect for her. All my friends on Facebook were women, when I got engaged she told me that bothered her so I got off Facebook. Her first husband was unfaithful, it doesn’t bother me to take that into consideration. Maybe someone has cheated on this guy before.

Exactly. He has to decide whether he is more concerned with keeping his wife from sin or himself from being sinned against. As a practical matter the first thing I would do if I was in that situation and had concerns would be to book a session with the guy for myself to find out what it was really like.

 

[BPPLEE]

Exactly. He has to decide whether he is more concerned with keeping his wife from sin or himself from being sinned against. As a practical matter the first thing I would do if I was in that situation and had concerns would be to book a session with the guy for myself to find out what it was really like.

I'm not going to get a massage from a man. No thanks

 

[BCP1928]

I'm not going to get a massage from a man. No thanks

What? Have you ever had a massage from anybody? Why not a man?

 

[BPPLEE]

What? Have you ever had a massage from anybody? Why not a man?

I've had massages from women. I would sometimes have pain in my traps and they could work it out.
But no men. Never have never will.

 

[BCP1928]

I've had massages from women. I would sometimes have pain in my traps and they could work it out.
But no men. Never have never will.

You don't think men can do as good a job? Why not?

 

[BPPLEE]

You don't think men can do as good a job? Why not?

I'm sure they can do a great job on someone else.

 

[BCP1928]

I'm sure they can do a great job on someone else.

Did your wife show concern that you were going for a massage given by a woman?

 

[BPPLEE]

Did your wife show concern that you were going for a massage given by a woman?

I haven't gotten a massage since I have been married again.
My first wife didn't care, the masseuse was my niece

 

[Ana the Ist]

But it is difficult to "set the boundary" because doing so is an accusation that she is, if not now actually cheating on him, too morally weak to continually resist the temptation herself. Is it his responsibility to forbid her any outside activity where she might cheat?

It's not an accusation.

If you're wife told you she didn't want you grilling outside with your shirt off because she thinks the widow next door has eyes for you....what would you do?

Would it really matter that it's entirely in her head?

Would it really matter if you had absolutely zero interest in the lady next door?

Or would you just put a shirt on so your wife isn't anxious and upset needlessly?

I certainly don't know you well enough to say if you're the type of guy who is willing to fight over everything....I would simply put a shirt on....in fact I'd find it amusing.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I disagree. No longer comfortable with is one thing.

Let's take that example of a "reasonable boundary" you gave me earlier....

If your husband was yelling at you...you'd leave the room.

However, let's imagine he's so angry...and will continue to be....that he continues yelling at you every time you're near....24/7, 365.

What then? Are you going to learn to live with the yelling? Or are you going to pack your stuff and tell him it's over if he doesn't change?

 

[Paidiske]

Let's take that example of a "reasonable boundary" you gave me earlier....

If your husband was yelling at you...you'd leave the room.

However, let's imagine he's so angry...and will continue to be....that he continues yelling at you every time you're near....24/7, 365.

What then? Are you going to learn to live with the yelling? Or are you going to pack your stuff and tell him it's over if he doesn't change?

I'm going to pack.

But the difference (or at least, one very relevant difference) is, being yelled at every time you're near someone is abuse. Having a massage is not abusing the person not in any way involved in the massage!

 

[BCP1928]

It's not an accusation.

If you're wife told you she didn't want you grilling outside with your shirt off because she thinks the widow next door has eyes for you....what would you do?

Would it really matter that it's entirely in her head?

Would it really matter if you had absolutely zero interest in the lady next door?

Or would you just put a shirt on so your wife isn't anxious and upset needlessly?

I certainly don't know you well enough to say if you're the type of guy who is willing to fight over everything....I would simply put a shirt on....in fact I'd find it amusing.

I wouldn't know how to respond to such a thing coming from my wife. It sounds like a scenario from a sitcom In fact, the whole thread has seemed like that to me. You will have noticed that the only piece of relationship advice I have offered the OP was immediately rejected as unacceptable.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I'm going to pack.

Of course you are....you're setting a boundary that seeks to change your partner's behavior. If it doesn't change....you can either tough it out or leave.


Semantics.

But the difference (or at least, one very relevant difference) is, being yelled at every time you're near someone is abuse.

In what way? I'll agree it may be bothering you emotionally, it may be uncomfortable, it may cause you stress and anxiety. But it won't physically harm you. It's just emotional.

Or it may not.

Either way....we can say the exact same things about the OP and his situation. Does it seem to make him uncomfortable, stressed, anxious? I'm sure it does....it doesn't really matter if you or I or anyone else thinks it shouldn't....he's not an abstract objective person in some hypothetical void. He's a real person in a relationship.