Being a Christian man, but finding femininity unattractive? Help?

[TheRisingSun]

This is basically a "part 2" to my first post here.

I want to date and marry, but I'm an "effeminate" Christian man. What do I do?

I'm an egalitarian Christian. Non-denominational, although I may join Grace Communion International. And as the title of the post implies, I'm the kind of Christian man that complementarian pastors on Twitter (I refuse to call that site X) complain about--unmasculine. No, I don't have long hair...

www.christianforums.com

To summarize, I felt abnormal as a Christian man because I find masculinity in women attractive, while femininity has little to no value, attraction wise. Then there's the fact that I'm kind of "effeminate".


I'm physically weak, have no real interest in sports or any stereotypically masculine pursuits, I'm lacking bravery or courage, and I don't have the "Hero Instinct" (a need to be needed). I'd hate to be admired for physical strength, and I have a grandmother and a family friend who both think I'm a genius because I'm more skilled with phones and computers than them, but that praise means nothing to me. To put it simply, I'm not masculine or manly (nor do I have any real desire to be). But I'm mostly concerned about the former.


How many Christian men and boys do you know with my type? I actually fell for 2 black women at my job on different occasions because the only thing feminine about them was their anatomy. They both worked out, used "bro" and "bruh" almost as much as commas, wore combat boots (the first did) or hoodies, sweatpants, and sneakers very often, and they didn't act feminine at ALL. One even worked security part-time. Both times, my crushes were spurned because they were lesbians.


Again, how common are Christian men like me? Femininity is practically worthless to me, in terms of attraction. Apart from desiring to be a parent, if you count that. Physical strength and prowess make my heart throb (and so does courage and being willing to fight and hunt). And personality-wise, I'm essentially trying to date/marry one of the guys, a real-life Private Vasquez. The more masculine/manly/boyish a sister in Christ is, the more attracted I am.


How common is this in the Church? Is this normal? Is my own condition something to worry about?

 

[PloverWing]

As I said in the other thread, somewhere out there there's probably a Private Vasquez who's relieved that she doesn't have to pretend when she's around you.

But this thread seems to be about your own lack of conformity to masculine stereotypes. You said that you don't "have any real desire to" conform to traditional masculinity, so that sounds like you're content with your identity and personality. Sounds good! I hope you can find a partner who loves you for who you are, and not for who you feel like you have to pretend to be.

Tell me some of the positive stuff about you. Are you caring and kind, or skilled at computers/math/engineering, or a good cook, or knowledgeable about art and literature, or good with kids, or good at listening, or good at teaching other people how to do things? There are lots of personality traits that can make someone attractive to a potential partner, and many of them have nothing to do with gender stereotypes.

 

[timewerx]

I'm physically weak, have no real interest in sports or any stereotypically masculine pursuits, I'm lacking bravery or courage, and I don't have the "Hero Instinct" (a need to be needed).

That's okay.

What would be wrong is that you turn physical weakness into a goal. It's going to make your life miserable as you get older from the health and mobility issues it will cause.

It's also wrong to be content being useless. As Christians, we're supposed to love other people, to help those in need not just our relatives but even strangers as well. Even to put our lives in the line for them. To bless other people as God blesses us.

If being useless to other people, including yourself is your goal then you simply have no love in you. You don't love anyone, not even yourself.

Read the Bible about what love is. It's nothing about feelings. Pity does nothing and it doesn't change the situation. Love is all about action.

It really doesn't matter if you are attracted to a woman who looks like a man but you need to set your heart right. One thing a Christian shouldn't be is a coward and a person who is useless to everyone.

 

[bèlla]

*nudges @Sketcher and @MehGuy -- Your insight may be helpful.

I don't know how many men share your tastes or makeup. But given the prevalence of feminism in the church it won't be difficult to find the edge you seek. Just look for a tomboy feminist and you're good. They're more like gamines and may subscribe to the clean girl aesthetic which is more natural.

Pushing beyond this may land you in a similar predicament. I'd be mindful of the possibility of change as well. Many are embracing their femininity at a later age. She may trade in her combat boots for heels instead. Make sure you can handle that. Don't base your decision solely on externals. You may be disappointed.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

*nudges @Sketcher and @MehGuy -- Your insight may be helpful.

I don't know how many men share your tastes or makeup. But given the prevalence of feminism in the church it won't be difficult to find the edge you seek. Just look for a tomboy feminist and you're good. They're more like gamines and may subscribe to the clean girl aesthetic which is more natural.

Pushing beyond this may land you in a similar predicament. I'd be mindful of the possibility of change as well. Many are embracing their femininity at a later age. She may trade in her combat boots for heels instead. Make sure you can handle that. Don't base your decision solely on externals. You may be disappointed.

~bella

Well, I get the advice you're giving me. But "pushing beyond this may land you in a similar predicament?" That part made me scratch my head.

 

[bèlla]

Well, I get the advice you're giving me. But "pushing beyond this may land you in a similar predicament?" That part made me scratch my head.

You shared two examples that represented your ideal but both were lesbians. Most butch women aren't straight and usually serve as the man in their relationships. Who's the dominant one in your pairing? You or her?

You want masculine energy inside and out. That's the problem. Most of them are gay. Tomboys are the heterosexual equivalent.

~bella

 

[TheRisingSun]

You shared two examples that represented your ideal but both were lesbians. Most butch women aren't straight and usually serve as the man in their relationships. Who's the dominant one in your pairing? You or her?

You want masculine energy inside and out. That's the problem. Most of them are gay. Tomboys are the heterosexual equivalent.

~bella

Well, now I get it. Anything else?

 

[bèlla]

Well, now I get it. Anything else?

I gave you the formula. Physically speaking that's a tomboy. The mental and emotional end is a feminist. Women don't rest in the masculine as a norm unless there's a philosophy behind it. If you want her to wear the pants you'll need a feminist.

But either may change and that's the problem. You may be challenged on your effeminacy and she may be convicted about her dominance. Which requires a reset. Don't assume everything will remain the same. You're ceding your position in a lot of ways and I expect it to be addressed at some point.

You don't have to be attracted to femininity. But you want a masculine woman and that's another matter. You've essentially switched roles. You need to determine if the draw is physical/sexual or more mental/emotional.

~bella

 

[Sketcher]

This is basically a "part 2" to my first post here.

I want to date and marry, but I'm an "effeminate" Christian man. What do I do?

I'm an egalitarian Christian. Non-denominational, although I may join Grace Communion International. And as the title of the post implies, I'm the kind of Christian man that complementarian pastors on Twitter (I refuse to call that site X) complain about--unmasculine. No, I don't have long hair...

www.christianforums.com

To summarize, I felt abnormal as a Christian man because I find masculinity in women attractive, while femininity has little to no value, attraction wise. Then there's the fact that I'm kind of "effeminate".


I'm physically weak, have no real interest in sports or any stereotypically masculine pursuits, I'm lacking bravery or courage, and I don't have the "Hero Instinct" (a need to be needed). I'd hate to be admired for physical strength, and I have a grandmother and a family friend who both think I'm a genius because I'm more skilled with phones and computers than them, but that praise means nothing to me. To put it simply, I'm not masculine or manly (nor do I have any real desire to be). But I'm mostly concerned about the former.


How many Christian men and boys do you know with my type? I actually fell for 2 black women at my job on different occasions because the only thing feminine about them was their anatomy. They both worked out, used "bro" and "bruh" almost as much as commas, wore combat boots (the first did) or hoodies, sweatpants, and sneakers very often, and they didn't act feminine at ALL. One even worked security part-time. Both times, my crushes were spurned because they were lesbians.


Again, how common are Christian men like me? Femininity is practically worthless to me, in terms of attraction. Apart from desiring to be a parent, if you count that. Physical strength and prowess make my heart throb (and so does courage and being willing to fight and hunt). And personality-wise, I'm essentially trying to date/marry one of the guys, a real-life Private Vasquez. The more masculine/manly/boyish a sister in Christ is, the more attracted I am.


How common is this in the Church? Is this normal? Is my own condition something to worry about?

Given the extremes you describe, I'd call it rare.

I do know a guy who might match your description, but he doesn't share your affinity for butch women. The only woman I know of who dated him is "special needs" in the mental department, and he dumped her after a couple of weeks (which was two weeks too long in my judgement). He grew up without a father, he has mentioned at least one stepdad but it's clear that he didn't teach him anything. He's a sad case.

Now, I do work at a company of nerds, and one of them did marry a prison guard. But he's more traditionally masculine than you describe yourself as.

 

[bèlla]

*nudging @Sif

There's someone on the site who enjoys the things you described in the other thread but she can't post in this forum. If you copy the post to this area she'll be able to comment as will others.

~bella

 

[TheLastGeek]

I have no idea if my input will be at all helpful, but...

I'm a tomboy. Always have been, always will be. I wouldn't call myself "butch", I don't go around in fatigues or have bulging muscles or anything of the sort. As with any temperament or personality type, there's a wide spectrum from "very much this" to "just a little bit this". I'm probably somewhere in the middle.

I get along better with men. Always have. They make far more sense to me than women do. Women often baffle and irritate me. I think some of that is temperament, and a lot of it is cultural. I find the modern American female culture to be absurd and ridiculous most of the time. But that's a whole other discussion. Men nearly always say exactly what they mean, and I appreciate that endlessly. They're easier for me to hang out with, talk to, and be myself around.

I love many traditionally "guy" things, like cracking jokes and teasing my friends, rough outdoor adventures, and video games. I am quiet and cannot relate in any measure to the female tendency to prattle and chatter for hours on end. I would rather have a playful wrestling match or game of laser tag than a diamond necklace or perfume.

But I am not entirely without femininity. I melt into a ball of squealy goo around babies and toddlers. I love sparkly, glittery, pretty things (still no diamond necklace, I'd just sell it and use the money for something practical lol). I am tender-hearted and sensitive. I crave feelings of being protected, watched over, provided for, and safe.

All that to say, I don't think "look for a tomboy" is a catch-all solution to what you're looking for. Tomboys can be anything from slightly rough-and-tumble girly girls, to women who are so masculine you may think they're a man at first glance. And as what I'd call a middle-of-the-road tomboy, I do not find effeminate or feminine-energy men attractive in the least. I adore and desire strong masculine traits in a partner. Bear in mind that I'm not talking about the errant "masculinity" of the world that values callous, meathead, crass types of men. I'm talking about masculine traits like quiet strength, honor, protectiveness, a desire to provide and shelter, regard for the hearts and souls of his loved ones. Christ-like masculinity.

Maybe these super-tough, combat-boot-wearing, non-lesbian, tomboy, Christian women are attracted to very effeminate, physically weak, craven (by your own self-description) men. But it's hard for me to imagine that sort of relationship being a healthy or lasting one.

Just my two cents.

 

[public hermit]

This is basically a "part 2" to my first post here.

I want to date and marry, but I'm an "effeminate" Christian man. What do I do?

I'm an egalitarian Christian. Non-denominational, although I may join Grace Communion International. And as the title of the post implies, I'm the kind of Christian man that complementarian pastors on Twitter (I refuse to call that site X) complain about--unmasculine. No, I don't have long hair...

www.christianforums.com

To summarize, I felt abnormal as a Christian man because I find masculinity in women attractive, while femininity has little to no value, attraction wise. Then there's the fact that I'm kind of "effeminate".


I'm physically weak, have no real interest in sports or any stereotypically masculine pursuits, I'm lacking bravery or courage, and I don't have the "Hero Instinct" (a need to be needed). I'd hate to be admired for physical strength, and I have a grandmother and a family friend who both think I'm a genius because I'm more skilled with phones and computers than them, but that praise means nothing to me. To put it simply, I'm not masculine or manly (nor do I have any real desire to be). But I'm mostly concerned about the former.


How many Christian men and boys do you know with my type? I actually fell for 2 black women at my job on different occasions because the only thing feminine about them was their anatomy. They both worked out, used "bro" and "bruh" almost as much as commas, wore combat boots (the first did) or hoodies, sweatpants, and sneakers very often, and they didn't act feminine at ALL. One even worked security part-time. Both times, my crushes were spurned because they were lesbians.


Again, how common are Christian men like me? Femininity is practically worthless to me, in terms of attraction. Apart from desiring to be a parent, if you count that. Physical strength and prowess make my heart throb (and so does courage and being willing to fight and hunt). And personality-wise, I'm essentially trying to date/marry one of the guys, a real-life Private Vasquez. The more masculine/manly/boyish a sister in Christ is, the more attracted I am.


How common is this in the Church? Is this normal? Is my own condition something to worry about?

There's no general rule when it comes to attraction. Attraction is specific to the person so if my attraction is idiosyncratic to me (I know that's redundant but stick with me), then I am normal.

I have known women that fit your type that were not lesbian so don't give up. And, don't settle for anything less than who attracts you.

 

[TheRisingSun]

Given the extremes you describe, I'd call it rare.

I do know a guy who might match your description, but he doesn't share your affinity for butch women. The only woman I know of who dated him is "special needs" in the mental department, and he dumped her after a couple of weeks (which was two weeks too long in my judgement). He grew up without a father, he has mentioned at least one stepdad but it's clear that he didn't teach him anything. He's a sad case.

Now, I do work at a company of nerds, and one of them did marry a prison guard. But he's more traditionally masculine than you describe yourself as.

How is your nerdy friend more masculine?

 

[Ace777]

Is my own condition something to worry about?

We have to worry about what we say. The husband and wife is a type of Christ and the Church. You may not fit the pattern but we should all understand how Christ is the Groom and we are the bride. I do not feel comfortable to think of myself a Bride of Christ at all. But we know that the Husband is to sacrifice himself for his bride the same way Jesus sacrificed HImself and took the bullet when He want to carvery for us.

So are you willing to take the bullet for her and is she willing to take the bullet for you?

I grew up with a sister and my mom pretty much expected her to do what the boys did. Although she tended to do what she liked to do and I tended to do what I like to do. We still pretty much went everywhere and did all the same things. Swimming, Skating, Sled Riding and all of that stuff. Even we would both shovel snow to make a bit of money.

 

[Sketcher]

How is your nerdy friend more masculine?

My ex-coworker you mean?

He's a big sports fan. He played sports in high school, though IDK how good he was.

FWIW, I believe his wife moved on from that prison guard position since.