Is this women being deceitful women with me ?

[Landon Caeli]

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[Bobber]

Im dating a Christian woman and she told me she wants me to be more romantic with her after she told me that i did that and adjusted with her pursued her and we even kissed even though we are not in committed relationship.

I guess that's the good thing about getting to know another. They get to meet your personal convictions about these things too.......just don't let her convictions to be made yours if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Told her my personal issues AND NOW she is saying the last date i had with her I was romantic but she doesn’t know if I have a romantic side and she says im not being vulnerable with her.

Something you should never have to try to prove. And what does she mean you're not being vulnerable with her. What is it she wants you to do.....tell you every last one of your deep concerns or things about your life? I'd say hold on let's just take this in stages. You're wanting me to be at stage 10 when were really only at stage 3. She needs to be patient in how fast a relationship develops but if it has to be her way....well maybe it's time we just see each other once awhile and you can think about it.

She lives far from me and I go all the way to see her but when it’s her turn to see me she meets me half way.

Well that's a sign you should be looking at and considering.

I don’t understand how she feels im not giving enough effort even when the physical affection im the one initiating and im telling her as Christians we got walk slowly into things and it seems she doesn’t understand even though it seemed like she was a Godly woman.

Well I think you should tell her maybe we should call it a day as it seems were struggling to get on the same page. Tell her I"m this way with my convicitions and we surely don't need to have any arguement about it. There doesn't have to be well why can't he do this or that or be this way......red flags.....find a girl which what you say resonates with her.

I even asked for a preacher to be involved in our relationship and she was hesitant about that.

But just what do you mean by that?

 

[Bobber]

She also told me she never been in a Christian relationship before but she said when she dated men in the world in the past and they showed her physical affection that didn’t go towards sex.

Tell her to pray to God. She can ask him is this one of whom I should be with YES or NO? When God says YES this is my will all these frivolous ideas of what affection levels should be will go by the way side.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

I guess that's the good thing about getting to know another. They get to meet your personal convictions about these things too.......just don't let her convictions to be made yours if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Something you should never have to try to prove. And what does she mean you're not being vulnerable with her. What is it she wants you to do.....tell you every last one of your deep concerns or things about your life? I'd say hold on let's just take this in stages. You're wanting me to be at stage 10 when were really only at stage 3. She needs to be patient in how fast a relationship develops but if it has to be her way....well maybe it's time we just see each other once awhile and you can think about it.


Well that's a sign you should be looking at and considering.

Well I think you should tell her maybe we should call it a day as it seems were struggling to get on the same page. Tell her I"m this way with my convicitions and we surely don't need to have any arguement about it. There doesn't have to be well why can't he do this or that or be this way......red flags.....find a girl which what you say resonates with her.


But just what do you mean by that?

I asked for a preacher she talks to be involved in the relationship to monitor some situations and see if we are moving in a Godly way and see things we may not see.

With vulnerability she doesn’t know the difference between vulnerability and romance. But she wanted me to talk about how much i love her and think about her and every time i did that she would act funny and show less interest.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

Tell her to pray to God. She can ask him is this one of whom I should be with YES or NO? When God says YES this is my will all these frivolous ideas of what affection levels should be will go by the way side.

She did and says she can’t see me showing the love and affection she wants even though I’ve been doing that.

 

[Bobber]

She did and says she can’t see me showing the love and affection she wants even though I’ve been doing that.

But hold on now let's be clear. You're saying she prayed to God to ask should she be with you? What did he say or what she claims he said? (of course she may not be hearing God at all but she should be) If it's YES then she needs to knock off every and all affection questions. The will of God is the will of God. We're not to base our life partner on passing whims of how one thinks romance should be displayed ...opinions of that change with every passing year. We're not to look to soap operas to define what is required. The will of God however stands sure and is stable.

 

[Bobber]

I asked for a preacher she talks to be involved in the relationship to monitor some situations and see if we are moving in a Godly way and see things we may not see.

Sounds OK. I mean I didn't do that over 43 years ago when dating my wife but it's not unreasonable what you're saying. Remember this......you get a sayin this too not just her. If you feel strongly about this then hold out with it. If she bucks at it without kindly considering your convictions then that's maybe telling you something.....don't be surrending to her convictions all the time. Ironically if you do she'll really lose respect for you anyway.

But she wanted me to talk about how much i love her and think about her and every time i did that she would act funny and show less interest.

But what I"m telling you is human beings think they know what they want. When they get it they find it not satisfying. That's why she shows less interest when you do the extreme lovey dovey thing. What she really wants is someone who might be a little aloft not worshiping her as a goddess. Now just think about this for a moment.....if one is worshipping you, you tend to consider yourself higher and more important.....If you give one everything they want inwardly they're really thinking WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? They're not acting like they have respect for themselves and that I can push them around.

Give you an example. Could be a gamble for you to do this but perhaps well worth it. Tell her look i think to scale back our involvement perhaps meet once a week or every other week. Tell her my convictions are important to me and I get it yours are to you too.....but if we're struggling to be on the same page let's just have time to think about it. Maybe we can mark on our calendars a day two

weeks from now.....go out....have dinner.....get together again......the world calls this being a little bit hard to get. I'll tell you one thing.....she could tell you no let's not ever do so THEN FINE.......wish her the best.....BUT IF SHE DOES...I guarantee she might be more balanced in what she's demanding from you all the time, and not that you shouldn't be listening to her at all but there has to be a balance. Right now it doesn't seem like there is.

 

[Reasonably Sane]

My wife and I met at our 25 year high school class reunion in 1997. I lived in Seattle (where the school is) and she lived in South Dakota. 850 emails and $3,500 in long distance calls later, she flew out to see me. I proposed, and it has resulted in the best 25 years of my life, and counting. And it only gets better.

But our relationship was all phone calls and emails, so we never had the physical temptation. And when we DID have it when she finally flew out to see me, we succumbed almost instantly (well, maybe after a couple of hours). And we were 43 years old. I'm not proud of it but she certainly never complained about me being "romantic". And we really saw ourselves as "married" even before that. i.e. I was closer to her, BY FAR, than any woman I've ever known.

Here's the deal, though. By the time we met again after the reunion (which was only about three months later, we knew more about each other than most people do after years of marriage. We shared EVERYTHING, no matter how embarrassing. So now we are like two halves of the same person. We are one in a way I never imagined two people could be. We're both almost 70 and look forward to becoming even closer every week, as we have in the last 25+ years.

But to be clear, we were up front with EVERYTHING with each other before it became physical. As far as we were concerned, we were married and already one flesh, in a manner of speaking. And we have been ever since.

My advise is that it is time to get everything out in the open with this girl/woman and find out what each other's motives are. And then go from there.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

Sounds OK. I mean I didn't do that over 43 years ago when dating my wife but it's not unreasonable what you're saying. Remember this......you get a sayin this too not just her. If you feel strongly about this then hold out with it. If she bucks at it without kindly considering your convictions then that's maybe telling you something.....don't be surrending to her convictions all the time. Ironically if you do she'll really lose respect for you anyway.

But what I"m telling you is human beings think they know what they want. When they get it they find it not satisfying. That's why she shows less interest when you do the extreme lovey dovey thing. What she really wants is someone who might be a little aloft not worshiping her as a goddess. Now just think about this for a moment.....if one is worshipping you, you tend to consider yourself higher and more important.....If you give one everything they want inwardly they're really thinking WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT? They're not acting like they have respect for themselves and that I can push them around.

Give you an example. Could be a gamble for you to do this but perhaps well worth it. Tell her look i think to scale back our involvement perhaps meet once a week or every other week. Tell her my convictions are important to me and I get it yours are to you too.....but if we're struggling to be on the same page let's just have time to think about it. Maybe we can mark on our calendars a day two

weeks from now.....go out....have dinner.....get together again......the world calls this being a little bit hard to get. I'll tell you one thing.....she could tell you no let's not ever do so THEN FINE.......wish her the best.....BUT IF SHE DOES...I guarantee she might be more balanced in what she's demanding from you all the time, and not that you shouldn't be listening to her at all but there has to be a balance. Right now it doesn't seem like there is.

It’s immature to me for someone in their mid-twenties to act like this especially when they call themselves a Christian. That’s why I said i feel deceived she tells me those are her love languages and then she acts fickle when it’s given to her. I don’t expect Christians to be perfect but i expect this behaviour from UnGodly women.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

My wife and I met at our 25 year high school class reunion in 1997. I lived in Seattle (where the school is) and she lived in South Dakota. 850 emails and $3,500 in long distance calls later, she flew out to see me. I proposed, and it has resulted in the best 25 years of my life, and counting. And it only gets better.

But our relationship was all phone calls and emails, so we never had the physical temptation. And when we DID have it when she finally flew out to see me, we succumbed almost instantly (well, maybe after a couple of hours). And we were 43 years old. I'm not proud of it but she certainly never complained about me being "romantic". And we really saw ourselves as "married" even before that. i.e. I was closer to her, BY FAR, than any woman I've ever known.

Here's the deal, though. By the time we met again after the reunion (which was only about three months later, we knew more about each other than most people do after years of marriage. We shared EVERYTHING, no matter how embarrassing. So now we are like two halves of the same person. We are one in a way I never imagined two people could be. We're both almost 70 and look forward to becoming even closer every week, as we have in the last 25+ years.

But to be clear, we were up front with EVERYTHING with each other before it became physical. As far as we were concerned, we were married and already one flesh, in a manner of speaking. And we have been ever since.

My advise is that it is time to get everything out in the open with this girl/woman and find out what each other's motives are. And then go from there.

We did that’s why I was confused because we was being honest and transparent and for her to turn on me when i was giving her WHAT SHE SAID SHE WANTED I feel deceived and confused

 

[QuestionQuest74]

But hold on now let's be clear. You're saying she prayed to God to ask should she be with you? What did he say or what she claims he said? (of course she may not be hearing God at all but she should be) If it's YES then she needs to knock off every and all affection questions. The will of God is the will of God. We're not to base our life partner on passing whims of how one thinks romance should be displayed ...opinions of that change with every passing year. We're not to look to soap operas to define what is required. The will of God however stands sure and is stable.

She SAID she prayed to God about it but the next day nothing was said about God except that she has never been in a Christian relationship before and she’s not perfect nothing about prayers just confusion and blaming things on me saying im not being romantic and showing interest

 

[Bobber]

She SAID she prayed to God about it but the next day nothing was said about God except that she has never been in a Christian relationship before and she’s not perfect nothing about prayers just confusion and blaming things on me saying im not being romantic and showing interest

But you've got to make it about her finding out Gods will. If she' s not going to but keeps holding out on fleshly expectations on what romance should be forget it. She's over riding the number 1 issue.

 

[Bobber]

It’s immature to me for someone in their mid-twenties to act like this especially when they call themselves a Christian. That’s why I said i feel deceived she tells me those are her love languages and then she acts fickle when it’s given to her. I don’t expect Christians to be perfect but i expect this behaviour from UnGodly women.

I'd create a space between her and yourself. You might loose that relationship but so be it. Just see if she's willing to acknowledge that she doesn't get her way all the time. I think you'd discover how much she really wants a relationship with you.

 

[Reasonably Sane]

We did that’s why I was confused because we was being honest and transparent and for her to turn on me when i was giving her WHAT SHE SAID SHE WANTED I feel deceived and confused

Sadly, I think few people really know what they want. And I even include me in that. I think a big part of the issue you are facing is that you are both quite young (an assumption on my part), and you have your whole life ahead of you. In our case, we were both deep into our careers and just needed to blend our lives into one. In our case that meant she abandoned hers. We've been a one income "family" almost the entire time we've been together.

BTW, we were a brady bunch. I had three kids and she had three kids. Mine were all in their middle teens and hers were all 18 and over - no longer living with us.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

But you've got to make it about her finding out Gods will. If she' s not going to but keeps holding out on fleshly expectations on what romance should be forget it. She's over riding the number 1 issue.

She said she would pray about but next day came up with nothing about God.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

I'd create a space between her and yourself. You might loose that relationship but so be it. Just see if she's willing to acknowledge that she doesn't get her way all the time. I think you'd discover how much she really wants a relationship with you.

Yeah I told her i did my part but she hasn’t done not even half of hers and she keeps saying i really don’t know if your interested in me and we don’t share same love languages.

This is the same love languages she talked about earlier i did and she keeps saying nothing changed at all.

 

[TPop]

Im dating a Christian woman and she told me she wants me to be more romantic with her after she told me that i did that and adjusted with her pursued her and we even kissed even though we are not in committed relationship.Told her my personal issues AND NOW she is saying the last date i had with her I was romantic but she doesn’t know if I have a romantic side and she says im not being vulnerable with her. She lives far from me and I go all the way to see her but when it’s her turn to see me she meets me half way. I don’t understand how she feels im not giving enough effort even when the physical affection im the one initiating and im telling her as Christians we got walk slowly into things and it seems she doesn’t understand even though it seemed like she was a Godly woman. I even asked for a preacher to be involved in our relationship and she was hesitant about that.

Hey there! Insecurity for either of you will not land you in a good place. If you post here, you probably need to move on from her. Seek change. Not anxiety. Change is good. Nothing Good ever happens without change. Just like nothing good ever happens after midnight.

I am not sure why you would need a preacher involved. Remember. Christians, even godly ones, can be as broken as anyone else. If you feel broken. Find someone that is not broken in the same way. You want opposites. Opposites, when mature, can help each other and not feed into each others anxieties and false needs. Two abused people should not be together. Two spenders should not be together.

Ignoring women is very bad advice! Ignoring anyone is bad advice. And not scriptural. Women, not our wives, we do not tell them what to do. Women who are our wives, we love and respect and ask for their input on everything! As scripture says.

 

[QuestionQuest74]

Sadly, I think few people really know what they want. And I even include me in that. I think a big part of the issue you are facing is that you are both quite young (an assumption on my part), and you have your whole life ahead of you. In our case, we were both deep into our careers and just needed to blend our lives into one. In our case that meant she abandoned hers. We've been a one income "family" almost the entire time we've been together.

BTW, we were a brady bunch. I had three kids and she had three kids. Mine were all in their middle teens and hers were all 18 and over - no longer living with us.

Shouldn’t we as a Christian be honest and say we don’t know what we want ?

 

[Strong in Him]

It’s immature to me for someone in their mid-twenties to act like this especially when they call themselves a Christian. That’s why I said i feel deceived she tells me those are her love languages and then she acts fickle when it’s given to her. I don’t expect Christians to be perfect but i expect this behaviour from UnGodly women.

She does sound insecure - constantly wanting to be told she is beautiful, or feeling you don't tell her often enough.
Please don't assume she is being deceitful/ungodly/manipulative, however. She may have issues with rejection, have had a bad experience with a man, be trying to live up to someone else's ideals or something else. She may have a deep hurt that she cannot admit to anyone, or even have a deeply hidden memory that she can't recall but which is affecting her behaviour.

If you like her, you have been in a relationship for a while, you trust her and she feels secure with you, it should be possible to explore these things together. Yes, possibly counselling would benefit her at some stage - but it would be better if that suggestion came from her. If someone admits they have a problem, that's half the battle.

 

[Reasonably Sane]

Shouldn’t we as a Christian be honest and say we don’t know what we want ?

Yep.