I am just pathetic.

[Neostarwcc]

I know God has predetermined our lives and that everything will work out in the end but it seems hopeless. It feels like my life is going nowhere and I'm probably in a manic depressive episode right now. Dunno.

But basically all I've been doing is going deeper and deeper in debt. I haven't been reading scripture and the last time I've been in church is Easter. My pastor wants my wife and I to go to church every week and it's just so hard to. Don't get me wrong I love my pastor he is a fantastic Elder of the church and he's virtually my best friend, but he's always trying to give me money for gas and food so that we can make the hour long trip to church every week. He says he's glad to do it because he has money which I get it, when you have money you're supposed to help the poor. Even when you don't have money you're supposed to help the poor but between me and my stupid attitude and bad decision making I need Jesus more and more. I mean, I'm in a huge bind right now and it's not fair.

I don't do the things a typical Christian does. I've lost interest in evangelizing even though my friend who is transgendered is a good start. But I'm inexperienced with him and really all we do is play video games together. We talk about God sometimes but not frequently enough where it makes a difference and I'm pretty sure he is not saved anyway with the way he lives in his sinful and unrepentant lifestyle.

It's been almost 10 years now and God hasn't blessed my wife and I with a child. It's mega depressing and makes me feel like a failure. But maybe it's a good thing because we couldn't really afford a baby if she did get pregnant though. Idk. We both want a baby and have been trying for so long. It's probably completely my fault.

And of course having your inlaws wonder where the babies are doesn't help. My parents don't want a grandchild from us because we're poor. Which makes me feel worse because I want my parents to love any potential children we might have. I mean, we've been married since 2015 afterall.

All I can see is my sin. All I can see is me sinning over and over again to the point where I'm on my hands and knees to God everyday. It's a good thing because it tells me that God lives in me but it also makes me want to hurt myself everytime I commit a sin Martin Luther style.

How can I get over this and enjoy my life? Enjoy every day that God grants me whether it's a good day or a bad day? Like I said, in the end it will work out. I know this but I can't see it or focus on it.

 

[TzephanYahu]

Hi @Neostarwcc

I'm sorry to hear of the heavy heart you are carrying at this time.

It's been almost 10 years now and God hasn't blessed my wife and I with a child. It's mega depressing and makes me feel like a failure.

How long do you think the righteous men of God such as Abraham and Issac had to wait until their wives got pregnant?

Don't take blessings the the lack thereof as any indication of approval on your life. For the wicked can be blessed in the unrighteousness and the righteous can seemed to be cursed at times. But we shouldn't assume the outpouring of blessings or lack of them reveal anything of the Father's mind on us.

How can I get over this and enjoy my life? Enjoy every day that God grants me whether it's a good day or a bad day?

There are plenty of times in the Bible when others have gone through long periods of silence when it seems as though the heavens are closed to them. Consider Moses. He was 40 when he left Egypt to live in the desert land of Midian and didn't encounter the burning bush until 40 years later when he was 80!

This life, how it is today, is not how it was suppose to be. This world has fallen and we are all kinda just "getting on" with it - in a playground that Satan currently rules and he has setup the rules. So I can't say that you will always enjoy this life. True enjoyment is to come in the next life, when He returns, and is how it was meant to be - a Paradise.

But you can find happiness and peace in this life, by giving yourself over to Yahweh and taking Him more into you. Don't read the Word religiously. But read it to learn - truly learn. Leave no grey area in your understanding. If something doesn't make sense - research, study, seek and ask. Make understanding the Word your life goal, as if for a scholarship, and before you know peace will come miraculously in the process.

Pray every day, even if you don't know what to say and it feels forced. Simply praying "Yahweh, I love you" each morning will set the compass for your soul to follow - though the flesh might resist at first.

I also recommend you study and meditate of Psalm 42. It is written by a man who shared a heavy heart similar to you. Feeling lost and becoming apathetic and depressed. But the answer is within the Psalm itself as he dusts himself off and speaks to his own soul. Understand the words of the Psalm, then under the wisdom within it, and may it serve as a anchor for you when the waves become rough.

Psalm 42 song part 1
Psalm 42 song part 2

Peace

 

[Gentle Lamb]

You're really hard on yourself. You should focus on the love of Christ and the person of Christ. Read and re-read the gospels. Jesus is the answer. Jesus loves you.

 

[Terri Dactyl]

I've lost interest in evangelizing even though my friend who is transgendered is a good start. But I'm inexperienced with him and really all we do is play video games together. We talk about God sometimes but not frequently enough where it makes a difference and I'm pretty sure he is not saved anyway with the way he lives in his sinful and unrepentant lifestyle.

Maybe this is enough for your friend for right now. If you need to find a prompt to get more of Christ in, then ask the Lord to present opportunities. The fact you are loving this person (instead of preaching hellfire and damnation, as many others do) will show the person alot. Show the love of Christ through you.

One thing i would tell you though. You should go to church because God deserves it. Where two or three are gathered, He has promised to be. You should go because He lives. It may be that God is providing you with the gas money to get there.

It is amazing that Someone who can create worlds, beautiful animals, planets, do anything, would want to spend any time with us.( and die for us, so we can live with Him forever) He has promised His presence. Please accept it.

 

[Unqualified]

can see is my sin. All I can see is me sinning over and over again to the point where I'm on my hands and knees to God everyday. It's a good thing because it tells me that God lives in me but it also makes me want to hurt myself everytime I commit a sin Martin Luther style.

How can I get over this and enjoy my life? Enjoy every day that God grants me whether

you need to get to church. You will feel better about yourself. God is stronger than any human weakness.

 

[PloverWing]

I'm sorry for the pain you're in the midst of right now. Infertility is a really painful thing to go through, and it sounds like your parents and in-laws are making it even worse. I'm glad you have a wife and a pastor who care about you. It can be good to have people to walk with you through the dark places. But I know that doesn't magically fix things; the dark places are still dark. We'll be thinking about you, Neostarwcc.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Yes I need to get to church. I agree I think I will feel a lot better if I get to see my pastor every week. I already email him on an almost daily basis and we've been talking about going out to eat this Sunday after church actually. So that will be nice to spend a few hours with him and his wife.

But I can't grow without the help of the elders in my church. I can't possibly break the habits of life without help. My wife is also friends with one of our congregants who also has invited us to dinner sometime. So, that will be good at least.

I guess I need to abandon the pride and ask for help. Afterall it is what my pastor is supposed to be doing anyway. He really likes my wife and I and enjoys the opportunity to be able to help members of his congregation. Because almost all of our congregation are well off financially. Idk. You guys are right and I'm sorry for being depressed.

 

[Unqualified]

Yah, but, just going to church and hearing his sermons will help your soul to rest in Him.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

I know God has predetermined our lives and that everything will work out in the end but it seems hopeless....

I hesitated to respond to your request, mainly because I did not want to add confusion to the situation. But I kept coming back to this and wanted to suggest one thing.
The idea that God has predetermined our lives may be an issue. I have found that people hold to this view may, as you said, fall into hopelessness. You feel helpless against what you think is the overwhelming will of God that is being played out in your life. I mean, who can fight against God if in fact He is doing this to you? The most dangerous thing about this kind of thinking is that it totally derails the operation of faith in your life. If your current life is being orchestrated by God, then what is the point of praying about anything? This is His will, and who can pray against that?
I have to disagree with this mindset that is held by many good believers. No. Defeat and failure with no hope of victory is not God's plan for you. His plan is stated in the scripture to be good, a blessing, and fruitful. He wants you to pray and receive so that the Father will be glorified by your success and victory in life. He does not want your life to be in shambles and become a proverb to those who watch it unfold.
John 14:12-14 KJV
12. Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also;
and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father.
13. And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.
14. If ye shall ask any thing in my name, I will do it.

He does not want us in continual despair and depression. Of course we will travel into valleys and times of trouble. But that should not be your whole life. You can believe God for good, and expect to see it. That is what faith is.
So if you are asking for advice, get some good material about the blessings and promises of God. Dwell on the good things and blessings God has given you in Christ. Get away from the negative that seeks to keep you in darkness and despair.
Proverbs 19:27 KJV
27. Cease, my son, to hear the instruction that causeth to err from the words of knowledge.

I have found I have to stop watching some secular TV and movies because of the dark and gloomy world it portrays.

Consider what Peter said about Lot:
2 Peter 2:7-9 KJV
7. And delivered just Lot, vexed with the filthy conversation of the wicked:
8. (For that righteous man dwelling among them, in seeing and hearing,
vexed his righteous soul from day to day with their unlawful deeds;)
9. The Lord knoweth how to deliver the godly out of temptations,
and to reserve the unjust unto the day of judgment to be punished:

Many believers in this culture are down in the pits and their souls are vexed because of the things they see and hear every day. You may have to cut these things off from yourself before you find deliverance. You cannot feed yourself with poison and expect your health to get better.
Anyways, I pray you find success in your walk and life.

 

[Pop D.]

Sounds like you really need to resist the spirit of defeat, which comes from the devil. Let the Holy Spirit fill you instead. Learn to trust in the Lord, at all times, and let Him guide you.

 

[Strong in Him]

I know God has predetermined our lives and that everything will work out in the end but it seems hopeless. It feels like my life is going nowhere and I'm probably in a manic depressive episode right now. Dunno.

If you live with depression/manic depression/poor mental health, that could be the answer.

Does your doctor know how you feel? Are you on medication or receiving help? If you cannot see any good things in your life and keep dwelling on your mistakes, if you lack the energy and incentive to get help, financial advice, start budgeting or whatever else you need to do - that could be depression talking. If you've lost interest in evangelising, reading Scripture or anything else, that could be depression talking.

Depression is an illness. If you had a cold/flu/broken arm/measles you would no doubt not believe you were pathetic; you would accept that it was the illness making you feel that way. You are not pathetic - not at all.

 

[Neostarwcc]

If you live with depression/manic depression/poor mental health, that could be the answer.

Does your doctor know how you feel? Are you on medication or receiving help? If you cannot see any good things in your life and keep dwelling on your mistakes, if you lack the energy and incentive to get help, financial advice, start budgeting or whatever else you need to do - that could be depression talking. If you've lost interest in evangelising, reading Scripture or anything else, that could be depression talking.

Depression is an illness. If you had a cold/flu/broken arm/measles you would no doubt not believe you were pathetic; you would accept that it was the illness making you feel that way. You are not pathetic - not at all.

Yes I'm on medication. I learned the hard way to take my medication let's just leave it at that. I get very dangerous and psychotic when I don't take my meds because i have both schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. I recently dropped my psychiatrist and went with a nurse practitioner. I like him a lot better than my old psychiatrist and he knows how I feel.

I ended up finding out that I'm manic and thats more than likely the cause of my feelings. Mania turned into depression and spiraled out of control from there.

 

[Neostarwcc]

To be blunt. My opinion of course. Drop the transvestite and hang with christian people. Old brother Lot comes to mind living in Sodom. If you surround yourself with losers what can make you happy in that condition.
If church is so far away and you feel bad at being helped,find one closer.

You are responsible for you,your happiness and your soul.
God bless you brother

I hang out with Christians too. I have friends from these forums that I hang out with.

 

[Strong in Him]

Yes I'm on medication. I learned the hard way to take my medication let's just leave it at that. I get very dangerous and psychotic when I don't take my meds because i have both schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder. I recently dropped my psychiatrist and went with a nurse practitioner. I like him a lot better than my old psychiatrist and he knows how I feel.

I ended up finding out that I'm manic and thats more than likely the cause of my feelings. Mania turned into depression and spiraled out of control from there.

I'm so sorry to hear that.
I would not describe you as pathetic though, more like brave - you're still here and fighting.

 

[Twin_niwT]

I know God has predetermined our lives and that everything will work out in the end but it seems hopeless. It feels like my life is going nowhere and I'm probably in a manic depressive episode right now. Dunno.

But basically all I've been doing is going deeper and deeper in debt. I haven't been reading scripture and the last time I've been in church is Easter. My pastor wants my wife and I to go to church every week and it's just so hard to. Don't get me wrong I love my pastor he is a fantastic Elder of the church and he's virtually my best friend, but he's always trying to give me money for gas and food so that we can make the hour long trip to church every week. He says he's glad to do it because he has money which I get it, when you have money you're supposed to help the poor. Even when you don't have money you're supposed to help the poor but between me and my stupid attitude and bad decision making I need Jesus more and more. I mean, I'm in a huge bind right now and it's not fair.

I don't do the things a typical Christian does. I've lost interest in evangelizing even though my friend who is transgendered is a good start. But I'm inexperienced with him and really all we do is play video games together. We talk about God sometimes but not frequently enough where it makes a difference and I'm pretty sure he is not saved anyway with the way he lives in his sinful and unrepentant lifestyle.

It's been almost 10 years now and God hasn't blessed my wife and I with a child. It's mega depressing and makes me feel like a failure. But maybe it's a good thing because we couldn't really afford a baby if she did get pregnant though. Idk. We both want a baby and have been trying for so long. It's probably completely my fault.

And of course having your inlaws wonder where the babies are doesn't help. My parents don't want a grandchild from us because we're poor. Which makes me feel worse because I want my parents to love any potential children we might have. I mean, we've been married since 2015 afterall.

All I can see is my sin. All I can see is me sinning over and over again to the point where I'm on my hands and knees to God everyday. It's a good thing because it tells me that God lives in me but it also makes me want to hurt myself everytime I commit a sin Martin Luther style.

How can I get over this and enjoy my life? Enjoy every day that God grants me whether it's a good day or a bad day? Like I said, in the end it will work out. I know this but I can't see it or focus on it.

I know God has predetermined our lives and that everything will work out in the end but it seems hopeless. It feels like my life is going nowhere and I'm probably in a manic depressive episode right now. Dunno.

But basically all I've been doing is going deeper and deeper in debt. I haven't been reading scripture and the last time I've been in church is Easter. My pastor wants my wife and I to go to church every week and it's just so hard to. Don't get me wrong I love my pastor he is a fantastic Elder of the church and he's virtually my best friend, but he's always trying to give me money for gas and food so that we can make the hour long trip to church every week. He says he's glad to do it because he has money which I get it, when you have money you're supposed to help the poor. Even when you don't have money you're supposed to help the poor but between me and my stupid attitude and bad decision making I need Jesus more and more. I mean, I'm in a huge bind right now and it's not fair.

I don't do the things a typical Christian does. I've lost interest in evangelizing even though my friend who is transgendered is a good start. But I'm inexperienced with him and really all we do is play video games together. We talk about God sometimes but not frequently enough where it makes a difference and I'm pretty sure he is not saved anyway with the way he lives in his sinful and unrepentant lifestyle.

It's been almost 10 years now and God hasn't blessed my wife and I with a child. It's mega depressing and makes me feel like a failure. But maybe it's a good thing because we couldn't really afford a baby if she did get pregnant though. Idk. We both want a baby and have been trying for so long. It's probably completely my fault.

And of course having your inlaws wonder where the babies are doesn't help. My parents don't want a grandchild from us because we're poor. Which makes me feel worse because I want my parents to love any potential children we might have. I mean, we've been married since 2015 afterall.

All I can see is my sin. All I can see is me sinning over and over again to the point where I'm on my hands and knees to God everyday. It's a good thing because it tells me that God lives in me but it also makes me want to hurt myself everytime I commit a sin Martin Luther style.

How can I get over this and enjoy my life? Enjoy every day that God grants me whether it's a good day or a bad day? Like I said, in the end it will work out. I know this but I can't see it or focus on it.

I may be mistaken, but it sounds like you've got brain-drain from all the useless endeavours Satan guilt-trips you in to taking part in, such as attending time-consuming, boring church services, "evangelizing" to energy vampires who really don't care what you have to say and will probably never repent, a wife who sends you subliminal disappointment vibes no matter how hard you work to provide for her, appeasing selfish in-laws who really should mind their own damn business, bondage to "being a good Christian", which is really an evil spirit of Christianity and not the real thing. All this intermingling with Satan and worldly affairs is the main cause of feelings of despondency, lethargy and a lacklustre relationship with God. Think of Satan as an energy sucking vortex, or black hole with an insatiable appetite for God's energy/spirit because they can't produce their own. They cycle through evil spirits for sustenance but they much rather prefer to stick their fangs in and suck on Sheep energy. You should spend some time alone, take up a hobby, turn your phone off, be "selfish" for a while. Do what makes you happy and spend alone time with God. Satan is not God. You do not get spiritual brownie points for being a Christian-centered busy body.

 

[SeventhFisherofMen]

I know God has predetermined our lives and that everything will work out in the end but it seems hopeless. It feels like my life is going nowhere and I'm probably in a manic depressive episode right now. Dunno.

But basically all I've been doing is going deeper and deeper in debt. I haven't been reading scripture and the last time I've been in church is Easter. My pastor wants my wife and I to go to church every week and it's just so hard to. Don't get me wrong I love my pastor he is a fantastic Elder of the church and he's virtually my best friend, but he's always trying to give me money for gas and food so that we can make the hour long trip to church every week. He says he's glad to do it because he has money which I get it, when you have money you're supposed to help the poor. Even when you don't have money you're supposed to help the poor but between me and my stupid attitude and bad decision making I need Jesus more and more. I mean, I'm in a huge bind right now and it's not fair.

I don't do the things a typical Christian does. I've lost interest in evangelizing even though my friend who is transgendered is a good start. But I'm inexperienced with him and really all we do is play video games together. We talk about God sometimes but not frequently enough where it makes a difference and I'm pretty sure he is not saved anyway with the way he lives in his sinful and unrepentant lifestyle.

It's been almost 10 years now and God hasn't blessed my wife and I with a child. It's mega depressing and makes me feel like a failure. But maybe it's a good thing because we couldn't really afford a baby if she did get pregnant though. Idk. We both want a baby and have been trying for so long. It's probably completely my fault.

And of course having your inlaws wonder where the babies are doesn't help. My parents don't want a grandchild from us because we're poor. Which makes me feel worse because I want my parents to love any potential children we might have. I mean, we've been married since 2015 afterall.

All I can see is my sin. All I can see is me sinning over and over again to the point where I'm on my hands and knees to God everyday. It's a good thing because it tells me that God lives in me but it also makes me want to hurt myself everytime I commit a sin Martin Luther style.

How can I get over this and enjoy my life? Enjoy every day that God grants me whether it's a good day or a bad day? Like I said, in the end it will work out. I know this but I can't see it or focus on it.

I think the best thing you can do is, push aside the opinions of others and see that Jesus views you well, He wants you close to Him. Be honest with Him which I'm sure you are, and accept that Jesus is still by your side.

Jesus has a higher view of you, it doesn't matter to Him how much money you have or if you have had a kid yet. You are valued.

Look I get it you want things to be better, and they very well may get better. But Jesus sees you now as valuable. He is forgiving, and He calls you friend John 15:15. The same way you care about your friends Jesus cares about you so much more.

But in all honesty I hear you and it's not fun to get handouts, or have family think a certain way about you. It's annoying. But shrug that off and know your value to Jesus is more than mans opinion of you. Men are flawed, Jesus is perfect. Men remember wrongs, Jesus forgets them (Hebrews 8:12). Men can be unfaithful, Jesus is faithful even when we are not (2 Timothy 2:13).

 

[anetazo]

As Gods Elect, I won't tell you what you want to hear. Some tough love is needed here. You have no discipline and your spirtualty bankrupt. God wants to bless His children. Apparently, you chose to waddle in traditions of men. Haggia 1:4. Is it time for you O, ye, to dwell in your CIELED houses, and this house lie waste?? 1:5. Now therefore thus says the Lord of hosts, ; Consider your ways. As soon as judah came from 70 year capacity in Babylon. They got as far as a foundation for building house for God. 20 years later. They have nice house and Gods house is still incomplete. Do you think God will bless these people??. I don't think so. So. After 20 years, the congregation should be teachers of God's word. Not spirtualty bankrupt. Listening to two verse Charlie's or misguided preachers. What use is Christian who is biblically illiterate to Jesus??. A drill sergeant is to discipline his soldiers, not coddle them. 1:6. Ye have sown much, and bring in little; ye eat, but ye have not enough; ye drink , but ye are not filled with drink; ye clothe you, but there is none warm; and he that earns wages earn wages to put it into bag of holes. Is this adding up??. God can bless and curse. All of sudden, car problems or washing machines go. Get the picture. God gave individual people different gifts and abilities to serve God. It's the many members of body of christ. Christian people are supposed to study the bible and plant seeds for God, produce fruit. You need to get out of that church and study sound doctrine. Find teacher if you need help. Do you want Gods blessings??. 1:7. Thus says the Lord of hosts; CONSIDER YOUR WAYS.

 

[Strong in Him]

As Gods Elect, I won't tell you what you want to hear. Some tough love is needed here. You have no discipline and your spirtualty bankrupt.

Sorry, but this isn't tough love.
This is harsh for someone who has bi polar, schizophrenia and depression. Do you have any understanding of these conditions?

 

[DragonFox91]

How are you doing OP?

 

[Neostarwcc]

How are you doing OP?

A little better I'm still manic from before but it's a lot easier to cope with now. As for church I'm probably not going to go for a while because our Elder is going to Geneva for 3 weeks to see the church that Calvin preached at and visit the city.

I don't like the backup pastor that much he's very dry and boring so im waiting until Larry comes back. But yeah it's been going okay. Just a lot of financial stress right now.