How do we forgive someone without approving of their behavior?

[the Vital One]

This has challenged me for a long time.

 

[grasping the after wind]

This has challenged me for a long time.

Why would anyone need forgiveness for behavior one approve of? The only behavior that needs forgiveness is behavior that is worthy of disapproval.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

This has challenged me for a long time.

Healthy boundaries.

If someone punches you in the face, then says "forgive me" so you forgive him. Then he says sorry, it's a nervous tick, you *some insult* and kicks you in the shin.

Then he says forgive me.

He isn't stopping but is asking for forgiveness, so healthy boundaries seem to be the best way to deal with it.

 

[St_Worm2]

How do we forgive someone without approving of their behavior? This has challenged me for a long time.

Hello the Vital One, we forgive people who know that they have done wrong and have, as a result, repented and asked us for our forgiveness. So, there is no need to worry that your offering of forgiveness might be construed as some kind of tacit approval of their sin/bad behavior (is there?).

Perhaps I am missing something? If so, please point it out to me.

Thanks

God bless you!!

~David
p.s. - here are the Lord's instructions for dealing with someone who sins against us.

Luke 17​

3 "If your brother sins, ~rebuke him~; and ~if~ he repents, forgive him.​

4 And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”​

.

 

[SavedByGrace3]

This has challenged me for a long time.

Easy. Realize you are no better than they are and are in the same boat as they. Forgive them or else you will go down in the boat with them and rightly so.

 

[disciple Clint]

This has challenged me for a long time.

I feel as a Christian I must separate the person from the sin. I am to love my neighbor, I am not to love sin. I can tell someone I love you, I am repulsed by what you did, the behavior is wrong not the person

 

[Tolworth John]

Healthy boundaries.

If someone punches you in the face, then says "forgive me" so you forgive him. Then he says sorry, it's a nervous tick, you *some insult* and kicks you in the shin.

Then he says forgive me.

He isn't stopping but is asking for forgiveness, so healthy boundaries seem to be the best way to deal with it.

Forgiveness is Always conditional on repentance.
If they do not say sorry with meaning and stop what ever action they are doing one does not have to forgive them.

This principal is found throughout the bible.

So how does one handle the situation where somwone offends against you and will not repent?

Like Jeus on the cross, we hand the incident, the people and our feelings over to God for him to deal with the offender and our feelings.
Then we pray for that person, intelligently and regularly.

 

[ozso]

Forgiveness means not holding a gruge and constantly wishing someone ill will. It means not hating someone's guts 24/7 and stewing in that hatred. When you let go of your hatred of someone, you're actually releasing yourself, more so than releasing them.

If their behavior was a one time thing and they have repented, then you let it go as if it never happened.

If you're dealing with someone who's say a manipulative narcissist, you can forgive them, but still be on your guard.

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

I struggle with that too. I'm in a position of having to stay away from several close family members, who consider my "no contact" as failure to forgive. If, after all this time, I am not accepting calls, not answering cards and letters, have them blocked on Facebook, and won't even send them a Christmas card, isn't this proof that I haven't forgiven them? Ask them, and they'll surely tell you all about how I'm still hung up on things that happened years ago. Well, the reason it happened years ago is that I went no contact years ago. If I still had a relationship with them, their behavior toward me would continue unchanged into present day, because they see nothing wrong with it. Then it wouldn't be "all in the past" anymore.

I had to think about the definition of forgiveness. All it means is, you give up your need to seek justice. It's OK with you if they never get what's coming to them, never pay you back, never get arrested, never stand before a judge, never serve time, never have anything happen to them that's just as bad as what they did to you. You're going to go on with your life anyway, with or without their acknowledgement or admission of wrongdoing.

None of that requires that you ever have to see or speak to them again.

By the way, if you get to Heaven and find that person also there, they will NEVER be punished for what they did. They are not going to burn in hell after all.

But that only means Jesus took their punishment instead. Justice was served. On Him.

 

[Tolworth John]

By the way, if you get to Heaven and find that person also there, they will NEVER be punished for what they did. They are not going to burn in hell after all.

Judgement is a complicated issue. If we are Christian we will not be punished for our sins/actions, but we will b judged.
Hebrew9:27 says that there is judgement after death and Rev 20:13 talks about the dead being judged according to there actions and whether there name was in the book of life.

 

[By_the_Book]

If we only forgave people who ask for our forgiveness and who were truly repentant there would be a lot of unforgiveness building up in our hearts, spirits, and souls.

If we only had relationship with those people who did not mistreat us on occasion we would be pretty lonely people, since none of us are perfect. We need to pray earnestly and seek God repeatedly before we exclude someone from our lives because they have not conducted themselves as we believe they should.

There are actual ways to deal with people's behavior without having to cut them completely out of our lives, build up a lot of unforgiveness in our spirit, condone their actions and act like it's okay, or feel like victims of their behavior. We can learn their actions, their behaviors, their sins, and find a way to have relationship to some degree while excluding the circumstances and opportunities for them to sin against us. Yes, it's complicated. Yes, it takes effort. Yes, it takes a heart like Jesus who actually cares about people and wants to love them but does not want to accept their sin. It may not be easy to navigate but it can be done if you're willing.

During this process we never allow the people to think for a moment that their behavior is acceptable or anything less than sin but we refuse to punish them for that sin because it's not our place to do so, it's God's.

 

[Gregory Thompson]

Forgiveness is Always conditional on repentance.

Jesus forgave the people while they were yet crucifying him, they didn't repent.

 

[the Vital One]

Hello the Vital One, we forgive people who know that they have done wrong and have, as a result, repented and asked us for our forgiveness. So, there is no need to worry that your offering of forgiveness might be construed as some kind of tacit approval of their sin/bad behavior (is there?).

Perhaps I am missing something? If so, please point it out to me.

Thanks

God bless you!!

~David
p.s. - here are the Lord's instructions for dealing with someone who sins against us.

Luke 17​

3 "If your brother sins, ~rebuke him~; and ~if~ he repents, forgive him.​

4 And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him.”​

.

What if the person does not repent, or repents in only a shallow manner at best? That is my issue.

 

[the Vital One]

Why would anyone need forgiveness for behavior one approve of? The only behavior that needs forgiveness is behavior that is worthy of disapproval.

Forgiveness may be interpreted as approval.

 

[the Vital One]

I feel as a Christian I must separate the person from the sin. I am to love my neighbor, I am not to love sin. I can tell someone I love you, I am repulsed by what you did, the behavior is wrong not the person

What if someone takes deep joy from their sin?

 

[the Vital One]

Forgiveness is Always conditional on repentance.
If they do not say sorry with meaning and stop what ever action they are doing one does not have to forgive them.

This principal is found throughout the bible.

So how does one handle the situation where somwone offends against you and will not repent?

Like Jeus on the cross, we hand the incident, the people and our feelings over to God for him to deal with the offender and our feelings.
Then we pray for that person, intelligently and regularly.

What if several prayers don't seem to be helping?

 

[the Vital One]

I struggle with that too. I'm in a position of having to stay away from several close family members, who consider my "no contact" as failure to forgive. If, after all this time, I am not accepting calls, not answering cards and letters, have them blocked on Facebook, and won't even send them a Christmas card, isn't this proof that I haven't forgiven them? Ask them, and they'll surely tell you all about how I'm still hung up on things that happened years ago. Well, the reason it happened years ago is that I went no contact years ago. If I still had a relationship with them, their behavior toward me would continue unchanged into present day, because they see nothing wrong with it. Then it wouldn't be "all in the past" anymore.

I had to think about the definition of forgiveness. All it means is, you give up your need to seek justice. It's OK with you if they never get what's coming to them, never pay you back, never get arrested, never stand before a judge, never serve time, never have anything happen to them that's just as bad as what they did to you. You're going to go on with your life anyway, with or without their acknowledgement or admission of wrongdoing.

None of that requires that you ever have to see or speak to them again.

By the way, if you get to Heaven and find that person also there, they will NEVER be punished for what they did. They are not going to burn in hell after all.

But that only means Jesus took their punishment instead. Justice was served. On Him.

What if it's a person you haven't seen in years? Not because you're purposely avoiding them, but because they're like most of the other people in life we no longer see?

 

[the Vital One]

Judgement is a complicated issue. If we are Christian we will not be punished for our sins/actions, but we will b judged.
Hebrew9:27 says that there is judgement after death and Rev 20:13 talks about the dead being judged according to there actions and whether there name was in the book of life.

Ok so we are not punished for what we've done but that doesn't make what we've done alright. That helps!

 

[the Vital One]

Easy. Realize you are no better than they are and are in the same boat as they. Forgive them or else you will go down in the boat with them and rightly so.

Thank you for the fire and brimstone, but telling me to do something doesn't help me do it.

Reviewing the original question:

How do we forgive someone without approving of their behavior?​

So, how do we forgive? And without approving, overtly or tacitly, of their behavior?

 

[the Vital One]

Forgiveness means not holding a gruge and constantly wishing someone ill will. It means not hating someone's guts 24/7 and stewing in that hatred. When you let go of your hatred of someone, you're actually releasing yourself, more so than releasing them.

If their behavior was a one time thing and they have repented, then you let it go as if it never happened.

If you're dealing with someone who's say a manipulative narcissist, you can forgive them, but still be on your guard.

Personally, this is a person from the distant past.