This is has been a recurring theme since I was 16. I will re-establish my relationship with God, walk holy, read my bible daily, pray without ceasing throughout the day; life is good.
Then I will return to my old sinful ways after a period of time. This phase tends to be a lot longer than the 'God' phase.
A very common experience among Christian believers. Mostly, this cycle is the consequence of little or no discipleship going on, or, if it is going on, it is being done very poorly. Here's a couple of questions you might consider:
1.) Why do you want a relationship with God?
2.) Why is the lure of "old sinful ways" greater in your life than the call of God to you to enjoy communion with Him?
I hate it so much. I hate this cycle I wish I could escape it but I just don't know how. I always end up turning back to sin, I don't want to of course, I just can't control myself, and I hate myself for it.
Well, this is a good sign. Those who are too far gone into sin cease to care that they are. Those in whom God does not dwell don't fuss over their sinful failure.
I feel like God is getting tired of this as well, as though he expects me to stop repeating the same mistakes over again. I have noticed that each time I backslide I become more twisted and evil; this has gone on for so long that I am completely different to how I was 2 years ago, although there are certainly life factors that have influenced this.
Does God get tired? Hasn't God always known all that you would do? Can He "get tired" then of your behavior? It's not like God is disappointed in you, or caught off-guard by your sin, or frustrated by your repeated failure. Being omniscient, He has always known you would be as you are and do the things you've done. And yet, He still sent His Son to die for you, to cleanse you from the stain of your sin, free you from sin's power, and reconcile you to Himself. And He did all this when you were lost in sin, in rebellion to Him, and enemy toward Him by your wicked works (
Colossians 1:21; Ephesians 2:1-3; Titus 3:3). If your sin didn't keep Him from you before you were saved, why do you think it can keep Him from you now that you're one of His adopted children?
Could it be that you're disappointed in yourself and just transferring that disappointment onto God? Disappointment in yourself shows you've been trusting in the wrong thing. (
Romans 7:18: Romans 8:5-8) You are, in-and-of yourself, without the ability to please God, selfish, hungry for the things God condemns. You can't put any trust, then, in yourself.
Sin, God warns us in His word, always takes us farther than we wanted to go and costs us more than we ever wanted to pay. Sin blinds us, deafens us, and hardens us toward God. Sin brings corruption and death to our lives. Always. Sooner or later. (
Galatians 6:7-8; Romans 6:23; James 1:14-16) Even though this is so, many Christians have grown very...complacent about sin, very easy with it, and have taken up the idea that at any point in a life filled with sin a Christian can simply turn to God anew, confess their sin, and move along with Him into a holy life.
Sin, though, has a fouling, darkening, hardening effect such that the Christian who willfully plays in it for too long will find himself unable eventually even to want to turn again to God in repentance and confession. His conscience seared (
1 Timothy 4:2), his heart cold and hard, such a Christian will come to the place where he cannot be renewed again to repentance. I'm not saying here that such a believer has lost his salvation - such a thing is impossible - but that he can become so settled into sin, so deep in a rut of sin, that he can't even contemplate the need to leave it. Scripture suggests that such believers were removed from the earth, being useless "vessels," constantly defaming God and the Gospel by their wicked living. (
1 Corinthians 11:28-32; Hebrews 10:25-30; Revelation 2:19-23)
Anyway, I remark on these things to remind you that sin is never the harmless, pleasurable "indulgence" it seems to be on the front end. Sin always exacts a destructive price from the sinner. Always.
Have you read
Romans 6? If so, do you understand it? I believe that when you do actually understand it and live by faith in the truth of it, the power of sin will be broken in your life.
God's Way Of Escape.
I am young, foolish, and have much to learn about myself, yet these micro-traumas from failing God takes a huge toll - much so that living without God feels like less of a burden. Yet I can't do that because God lets the Devil torment me in an attempt to have me go back to him.
Being "young and foolish" is, to be blunt, no excuse for sin. If you know what is sin and choose it willfully, your youth in no way justifies doing so.
The avenue to a holy, God-honoring life isn't to "learn about yourself" but to know and be conformed to Christ. (
Romans 8:29) God has no interest in making something of you. He wants to replace you with Christ, to make you a vessel, an ambassador, a living reflection,
of Jesus. It's what God made you for.
The path of least resistance is always the way humans go, whenever possible. But the weight, the pressure, of resisting sin is necessary and worthwhile. It's like being swept along in a river current toward a waterfall; it's very difficult to resist the current you're in and swim to safety, but if you don't, the consequence will be catastrophic. Sure, it's much easier just to be carried along in the current; you don't have to do anything but float effortlessly, taking in the passing scenery, relaxed and comfortable in the cool of the water. But the ease and comfort of doing so brings disaster and death. Better the burden of the current's weight pushing upon you as you resist it, than the fatal alternative!
God doesn't let the devil torment you except to show you that your way of doing things doesn't work; that Self-effort is futile in living a godly life; that freedom from sin isn't something you achieve for God but is something that
He has already obtained for you and holds out to you as an accomplished reality in Jesus. This is what
Romans 6 explains.
