i didn’t say i don’t desire Him at all, just that i don’t think i have a “deep, abiding desire” for Him. it’s more of a weak, faltering desire.
One has to start somewhere, right? Even if your desire is weak and faltering, it exists and can be nurtured into something greater. This is the case with many things we come to love. Jesus put it this way:
Matthew 6:21
21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.
We all have "treasure": time, energy and money. And Jesus says here that the more you invest your treasure in something, the more of your heart it will obtain. It's just the way God made us. So, then, if you want your heart to be with God, invest your treasure - your time, energy and money - in Him. As you you do, you will find your desire for God increasing and deepening.
This is, though, not the sole or primary way we come to love God. The apostle John wrote that we "love God because He first loved us." (
1 John 4:19) In this statement, John draws out the relationship between our knowledge, and full trust in, God's love for us and our love for Him. If we are to love God well, we must know and be convinced of His incredible love for us. (
1 John 4:16)
In regards to our love for Him, God has done for us as He must do in everything else in our walk with Him: He gives to us what it is He wants from us. And so, we read in
Romans 5:5:
Romans 5:5 (NASB)
5 ...the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
As Paul explained in
Philippians 2:12-13, we work out in our lives as Christians only what God has first worked into us by the Holy Spirit. We love God
with His own love, given to us in the Person of the Holy Spirit.
This transmission of the power and life of the Spirit happens, though, only as we are living in constant surrender to God as His bond-servant, His "slave of righteousness," submitted to Him throughout each day (
Romans 6:13-22; Romans 12:1; James 4:7; 1 Peter 5:6). The Spirit does not impose Himself on you and I. He must be invited again and again to have control of us, in order to act to transform us into people in whom Jesus is clearly seen.
This, then, is the way every Christian comes to love God deeply and joyfully. That love may start small and shriveled, but as the things I've shared above are integrated into your life, your desire for God will enlarge and take root and give you great joy where only doubt and resistance presently exist.
there are some times when i barely desire a relationship with God at all, when i don’t want to pray or read the Bible or anything like that. maybe it’s laziness, maybe it’s avoiding God because i feel condemned, or maybe it’s because i really am condemned and don’t love God. i don’t know.
God sent His Son to the world so that you and I would not have to stand under condemnation:
John 3:17
17 For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.
Romans 8:1
1 Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
When anyone is saved, they are accepted by God, not because they have done so well in living right that God takes them in, but ONLY because they have trusted in Christ as their Saviour and Lord. God accepts us because, when we trust in Christ, the Holy Spirit comes to live within us, clothing us in Christ's perfect righteousness (
Titus 3:5; Romans 8:9-14; 1 Corinthians 1:30; 1 Corinthians 6:19-20). And so, when God looks at you and I, He sees us in the righteousness of His Son and on this basis He accepts us. Never forget: It is ONLY on this basis that God accepts anyone. Your works, your ability to live righteously, have NOTHING to do with how you are saved or how you remain saved.
Ephesians 2:8-9
8 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God;
9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast.
2 Timothy 1:8-9
8 ...God,
9 who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was granted us in Christ Jesus from all eternity,
Titus 3:4-7
4 But when the kindness of God our Savior and His love for mankind appeared,
5 He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewing by the Holy Spirit,
6 whom He poured out upon us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior,
7 so that being justified by His grace we would be made heirs according to the hope of eternal life.
So, then, God is not looking at you angrily, arms folded across His chest, and saying, "You've done it again, you lousy wretch! You've sinned again! I've about had it with you!" Not at all. Instead, He sees you robed in righteousness, the perfect righteousness of His Son and has declared you righteous, too, accepting you as one of His own.
And since the righteousness of Christ is always perfect and always acceptable to God, you who are clothed in his righteousness are always acceptable to God also. As a result, the apostle Paul writes,
Romans 8:15
15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
2 Timothy 1:7
7 For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
but it’s incredibly hard to shake that image of God away, to re-train my brain to view God as the loving, merciful Father that He is. and it’s also hard to feel like i can have a relationship with God because relationships largely involve emotion, which as i’ve mentioned is an area im not very gifted in (i’m on the autism spectrum).
God has made us all to be shaped by that upon which we focus. The more we think on a thing, the more power it has to shape who we are. This is the principle upon which advertising works. Companies spend billions every year on advertising because they recognize the great power of the "Principle of Conformity to Focus."
Because God has made us to be shaped to the thing upon which we dwell in our thinking, He never urges us to focus on our sin, or our own psychology, or the world around us. Instead, He commands us to "look unto Jesus" (
Hebrews 12:2-3), to behold his glory (
2 Corinthians 3:18) and as we do, God's Spirit works to make us like him (
Philippians 2:13). So, stop looking at you, at your feelings of condemnation, of not measuring up, and look instead at your wonderful Saviour, at the awesome love of God for you, at the truth and light of God's word. Let these things fill your mind and heart and I guarantee that you will change, and grow, and come to delight in walking with God.
God doesn't offer you emotions in your walk with Him, but a changed life. Desire and emotion shouldn't be confused, by the way. You can desire something very powerfully without having high emotion about it. I already explained to you how this works in my last post.
When you start to go down the "I suck" road, tell yourself the truth from God's word. Memorize what God has said (see above) and use it to challenge the lies of self-condemnation that you've harbored in your thinking. You are right, however: This is a re-training process that takes time and persistence.
i’ve done so much introspection and self-examination since i became a Christian (assuming i ever did), but i’ve never been able to find a sure answer as to whether or not i’m saved.
You've been looking in the wrong place. The answers aren't within you, but in God and His truth.
Psalm 119:105
105 Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.
Psalm 1:1-3
1 How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, Nor stand in the path of sinners, Nor sit in the seat of scoffers!
2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water, Which yields its fruit in its season And its leaf does not wither; And in whatever he does, he prospers.
Psalm 119:9-11
9 How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to Your word.
10 With all my heart I have sought You; Do not let me wander from Your commandments.
11 Your word I have treasured in my heart, That I may not sin against You.