hi, this post might be long but im going to try anyway,.. im a christian woman, i have been a christian since i was 13. i am going through a very difficult time of my life right now. i dont want to write a million pages so i will try to hit the main points. i welcome any responses, prayers, advice, thoughts, etc. i wont go into my whole life story that would take too long,. so i will just say what i am going through right now. for all of my christian journey i have been very very close to god, always served Him, spent my life raising godly children, teaching sunday school, ministering, praying, serving, witnessing, helping the poor, etc. about 6 years ago i was the closest to God that ive ever been. i felt god telling me that there would be an upcoming season of great temptation and he warned me not to fall into it. well i did. and the past 6 years its like my spiritual life and relationship with god have been up down up down but in the big picture, down. and i want more than anything to get back right with God and to serve and worship him with all my heart like i once did, .. there are many things that i am very very confused and depressed about at this stage. these are not 'reasons', i know there is no 'reason' for sin, .. i know that. these are 'obstacles', .. things that are keeping me stuck i guess, things that at this age, i am becoming very confused about,.. and it seems like whenever i try to turn to god now like i used to, .. alot of things block my path, or im just getting old and dont have the strength, or something,.. but ive never been more depressed and i would appreciate prayers advice etc. one thing i am confused about is what to do about the deep hurts and resentments i have towards someone close to me who hurt me very bad.. ive prayed and prayed for god to help me forgive and i still have this 'block' that keeps me very angry and hurt at them. another thing that always seems to block me from moving closer to god is .. this might sound weird but im trying to be honest here... the 'all or nothing' mindset,.. and i know that perfectionism is a key thing of christians who struggle with depression; i always feel like, if i'm not really really 'close' to god, .. then i should just go ahead and do what i see 99 percent of people i know doing, which is just following their emotions, their wants etc,.. .and their lives just go along completely sucessfully, they are happy, they look at me like, you are a christian but you are the most depressed person ive ever met,.. and i dont know what to say to them, ...its like the further they are from god, the better their lives are, .. and im not talking material, etc,.. im talking emotional, relational, happiness, etc. another thing that seems to block me when i try to get close to god is i guess my 'mindset' at this age,.. and yes ive been through death of a child, sickness, grief, death of both parents, abuse, etc etc, as im sure many have,.. but,.. it seems like in my younger years as a christian i always leaned more towards hope and positivity,.. now in these years it seems like my 'christian mindset' is becoming more and more and more negative, and it scares me. theres a 'narrative' constantly running in my mind that says: 'everyone who wants to live a godly life in christ jesus WILL be persecuted.' 'jesus said if they hate me they will hate you.' 'jesus said 'if you love your live you will lose it; if you lose your life on earth you will save it.' jesus said 'i came to bring a sword; father will be against son, etc,'. in ecclesiates it says; 'meaningless meaningless , all is meaningless.' as i read the later books of the new testament it seems like the major theme more and more is,.. if you keep on journeying with Christ, the more you obey and live for him the more you will suffer,.. and suffering is the main theme. I've already suffered alot , im ashamed to say this to God but i tell Him, please, i cant stand the thought of any more suffering. yet another theme seems to be,.. do not depend on/get attached to/ find any happiness/joy/purpose in.... anything, ... or anyone, .. in this life on earth,. only find your happiness in God. and as i get older i find that to be experientially true. whenever i try to find happiness in a person, relationship, role, activity, etc,,.. its like, nothing makes me happy anymore. i feel like the rest of my life is just going to be more and more and more suffering, .. like paul, and some of the other saints, .. and its becoming harder and harder for me to even find happiness being close to God like i once did. i am having a hard time, very hard time, 'letting go of', .. certain 'besetting sins/habits' i guess youd say,... that i wrongly turned to over the past 6 yrs to try to find 'happiness' in. i know i must let these things go, i try to, i repent, i turn over a new leaf etc,.. but they keep coming back stronger and stronger. i do want more than anything to be right with God, to live for him with whatever time i have left,.. it seems like ive lost my way,.. and no matter how much i try to pray now... all i feel is angst, .dread,.. punishment, .. future suffering,... and hardly any peace or happiness at all. thank you i welcome advice, thoughts, prayers, bible verses, etc. thank you . -beachykeen14
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