- Jun 14, 2004
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First, the absolute positive is that, unlike when I grew up in the 1960s and 70s, many churches are now willing to talk about sex within marriage. However, there are a couple of areas I've seen where many teachers within the church can dramatically improve.
One of those is in presenting majority situations like they are the "normal". For one example, while studies have shown that in 70%-80% of marriages the husband has a higher desire for sex than the wife that still means that roughly 1 out of 4 women want sex more than their husband. That makes their marriage completely normal. Yet too often I have seen teaching address the issue like the majority situation is pretty much always the case and therefore it creates the impression that anything else is different or abnormal. "Now Ladies, your husband wants sex more than you - that is how God made him so it isn't wrong. When you understand that, it's easier to be intimate with him when he's in the mood but you are not." (actual quote). Same can be said of studies that show a majority of women have more desire for words of affirmation than their husbands and teachings that are directed at men in response to that.
Wait though, did you see what else the author did there? "Intimate". Perhaps it's because direct sex talk is still uncomfortable to some, but somehow "intimate" has become a euphemism for "sex" in the church. In doing so it has minimized intimacy in marriage and relegated the non-sexual needs and desires of a spouse to second class status.
Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is seeking to meet the love language of your spouse. Intimacy is dreaming together for the future. Intimacy is transparency. Intimacy is openly discussing the hardest topics - finances, weaknesses, spiritual health, sex. Intimacy is knowing you will love each other even though imperfections are laid bare. Intimacy leads to a long loving marriage with knowledge that you will enjoy each other as long as you both live. Intimacy is so much more than making love. Intimacy makes making love so much better.
In every marriage, there are going to be intimacies where one spouse has a higher desire than the other. When considering Ephesians 5:21, it is not just sexual intimacy where the lower desire spouse is called to serve their partner by assuring needs are met. That is true with all areas of intimacy, which in almost every marriage means both spouses will be called to serve the needs and desires of their spouse. You can't put sex in a silo and expect that to be the only one or even the most important one. The intimacies all intertwine. If any of them are not being met in a marriage, then all of them suffer and the marriage will not meet its full potential.
In a way, viewing intimacy in marriage how it is in reality is a wonderful cycle. Both partners in the marriage get to serve the other, and to be served by their spouse. That builds a history and love and bond that can last forever.
One of those is in presenting majority situations like they are the "normal". For one example, while studies have shown that in 70%-80% of marriages the husband has a higher desire for sex than the wife that still means that roughly 1 out of 4 women want sex more than their husband. That makes their marriage completely normal. Yet too often I have seen teaching address the issue like the majority situation is pretty much always the case and therefore it creates the impression that anything else is different or abnormal. "Now Ladies, your husband wants sex more than you - that is how God made him so it isn't wrong. When you understand that, it's easier to be intimate with him when he's in the mood but you are not." (actual quote). Same can be said of studies that show a majority of women have more desire for words of affirmation than their husbands and teachings that are directed at men in response to that.
Wait though, did you see what else the author did there? "Intimate". Perhaps it's because direct sex talk is still uncomfortable to some, but somehow "intimate" has become a euphemism for "sex" in the church. In doing so it has minimized intimacy in marriage and relegated the non-sexual needs and desires of a spouse to second class status.
Intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy is seeking to meet the love language of your spouse. Intimacy is dreaming together for the future. Intimacy is transparency. Intimacy is openly discussing the hardest topics - finances, weaknesses, spiritual health, sex. Intimacy is knowing you will love each other even though imperfections are laid bare. Intimacy leads to a long loving marriage with knowledge that you will enjoy each other as long as you both live. Intimacy is so much more than making love. Intimacy makes making love so much better.
In every marriage, there are going to be intimacies where one spouse has a higher desire than the other. When considering Ephesians 5:21, it is not just sexual intimacy where the lower desire spouse is called to serve their partner by assuring needs are met. That is true with all areas of intimacy, which in almost every marriage means both spouses will be called to serve the needs and desires of their spouse. You can't put sex in a silo and expect that to be the only one or even the most important one. The intimacies all intertwine. If any of them are not being met in a marriage, then all of them suffer and the marriage will not meet its full potential.
In a way, viewing intimacy in marriage how it is in reality is a wonderful cycle. Both partners in the marriage get to serve the other, and to be served by their spouse. That builds a history and love and bond that can last forever.
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