I have so many feelings right now. I feel numb, depressed and angry. Angry at myself, god and my stupid boyfriend.
First, I'll address myself-- I'm mad at myself because I lost my way and who I used to be. I never had friends and was very lonely and I always attracted guys so I tried love. I tried to obtain it-- I stopped waiting bc I thought Id never find anyone by holding out. I did it my way and I have a kid now and extra baggage I dont want to discuss.
I hate myself for falling down this slippery slope.
Now my boyfriend. I thought he was a decent guy. I thought I knew him but he showed me who he was and how bad he was struggling when he decided to do something illegal ( not saying what)
But it broke my heart bc he put me in danger of messing up my record ( I have nothing on there)
Last my issue with God- I just feel alone in life. I asked so many times to be guided and led by him and I never seemed to happen. I just felt like I was just left to my own devices even with God and according to other christians who have morning coffee with God. My relationship with God was one sided. But I cant make God reapond back to me or consistently.
I just HATE he mad me. I didnt ask to be born.. At the very least let me know youre with me. I dont feel that. I just feel so alone. Even more so now that churches are shut down due to the quarantine.
I feel let down by God, I feel I let myself down and mostly my child.
I also feel God most likely left bc I kept sinning sexually despite being a christian
Now I'm truly on my own and I cant handle it.
First, I'll address myself-- I'm mad at myself because I lost my way and who I used to be. I never had friends and was very lonely and I always attracted guys so I tried love. I tried to obtain it-- I stopped waiting bc I thought Id never find anyone by holding out. I did it my way and I have a kid now and extra baggage I dont want to discuss.
I hate myself for falling down this slippery slope.
Now my boyfriend. I thought he was a decent guy. I thought I knew him but he showed me who he was and how bad he was struggling when he decided to do something illegal ( not saying what)
But it broke my heart bc he put me in danger of messing up my record ( I have nothing on there)
Last my issue with God- I just feel alone in life. I asked so many times to be guided and led by him and I never seemed to happen. I just felt like I was just left to my own devices even with God and according to other christians who have morning coffee with God. My relationship with God was one sided. But I cant make God reapond back to me or consistently.
I just HATE he mad me. I didnt ask to be born.. At the very least let me know youre with me. I dont feel that. I just feel so alone. Even more so now that churches are shut down due to the quarantine.
I feel let down by God, I feel I let myself down and mostly my child.
I also feel God most likely left bc I kept sinning sexually despite being a christian
Now I'm truly on my own and I cant handle it.