Thank you so much for your replies! I have read them all and am taking them to heart. I really do appreciate the time taken by each of you to read and respond to this thread. Honestly, I believe I would like to remain in the Orthodox Church, because it IS true that, if I were to join a different church, I would just encounter a different set of issues and frustrations. I do really love a lot about Orthodoxy (I love more about Orthodoxy than I love about any other church), and there's a good chance it's the best church for me for the rest of my life. Yet I would still love some feedback about the following:
I have been a closet Universalist (Universal Reconciliation, that is, not Unitarian Universalism), most of my life, so there is nothing new there for me. I have been reading books on the issue in the last year and feeling convinced by it both Scripturally and philosophically. Therefore, I'm realizing my need to be more open about it with some people. I actually DO believe in hell and judgement but believe they are rehabilitative and not eternal. I am curious how well I can fit into my church (or any Orthodox church) if I am more open with some people about this. It's discouraging to feel like I can't talk about it at church for fear of scandalizing certain others. Although I am not the only Universalist at my church.
As for closed communion, what bothers me most is our prohibition from taking communion at other churches. It's considered a sin I have to bring to confession. Given that I believe in Universal Reconciliation, and I also believe that LGBTQ people are misunderstood, misjudged, and mistreated by all traditional churches, I feel like taking a "breather" and visiting some other churches, just out of curiosity and to help me process through this. But then, if I do this, that puts me out of communion with the Orthodox Church until I can, in all sincerely, repent of my attendance at other churches and return to the Orthodox sacraments of confession and communion.
All this brings up for me a deep curiosity about how much of my church's teaching, worship, prayers, and rituals are inspired by the Holy Spirit, and how much is just manmade. Or is it a combination of both? I have wanted an answer to this question for so many years. I just don't understand how to verify this. What's the harm in revisiting our beliefs and practices and seeing if the Holy Spirit want to change anything?
I do have an appointment to speak with my priest. Before I get there, though, I appreciate the opportunity to run my thoughts by others, especially other Orthodox Christians, and ask you for your feedback. If anyone has any more detailed thoughts to share, especially about my last questions about the church, I appreciate hearing them.
Thanks again,
Rayanne