As I have mentioned in other posts, I full time seek salvation. This means I don't work, and both not working and seeking salvation full time, means I have not been seeking a relationship with a woman, either.
My seeking salvation full time means I don't have any hobbies or do anything for entertainment, such as watch movies or TV.
There is a woman who is very attractive who periodically walks by the front of my house, down my street. I've said good morning to her numerous times and know her first name. One time, some weeks ago, I got bold and complimented her on her looks. But then I added, "But Jesus said to seek first the kingdom of heaven." She did not show up for a few weeks after that. I figured my statement had driven her off, and accepted that.
Last Wednesday, while I was inside the house, looking out the window, I saw her walk by again. She looked a couple times in my direction, quite possibly seeing me in the window. I stared back out at her.
For the first few hours after that, I controlled my feelings/reaction. I knew I needed to seek Christ, not her. But by the middle of the night, came a seismic reaction within me. I stayed awake the rest of the night, thinking. I decided I wanted to pursue her. I decided I would revamp my entire life, reorienting it around her. I decided I needed to get productive in worldly things, like trying to make money and being more responsible in general. I decided that in case I'm not saved, I'll just have to put working on that to the side, and do it only when I have spare time, outside of my productivity hours. The next day, at Bible study, I asked for prayer for her and our potential relationship.
Sunday, I became sure I had given my life to Christ, again. This impression lasted through most of yesterday. But by today, I am questioning again. One thing I wonder, was my giving of my life to Christ on Sunday subconsciously motivated by the desire to get on with my life while seeking her, fooling myself into thinking I'm a Christian to clear the way for my newly planned productivity lifestyle?
In general, and on Sunday in particular, I have been contemplating and praying about the potential conflict of interest between seeking this woman and seeking Jesus. I have thought about the concept of Adam choosing Eve over God, and eating the fruit. I have been going to God in prayer, saying things like, "If this potential relationship needs to be nipped in the bud, let it be nipped in the bud. I need to drop anything and everything You want me to drop. Jesus, You said that whoever does not forsake all that he has, cannot be Your disciple. Help me."
Now I am wondering if, in spite of praying like that, I have subconsciously settled on seeking the lady over seeking God. If I wondered before about my sincerity in trying to give my life to Christ, I REALLY wonder about it, now.
On Sunday, thought I really decided to let that relationship drop if God wants me to let it drop. And sincerely gave my life to Jesus. But, like I said, now I'm wondering about what is/has been going on in my subconscious, and if I fake seeking God and for real seek her.
My seeking salvation full time means I don't have any hobbies or do anything for entertainment, such as watch movies or TV.
There is a woman who is very attractive who periodically walks by the front of my house, down my street. I've said good morning to her numerous times and know her first name. One time, some weeks ago, I got bold and complimented her on her looks. But then I added, "But Jesus said to seek first the kingdom of heaven." She did not show up for a few weeks after that. I figured my statement had driven her off, and accepted that.
Last Wednesday, while I was inside the house, looking out the window, I saw her walk by again. She looked a couple times in my direction, quite possibly seeing me in the window. I stared back out at her.
For the first few hours after that, I controlled my feelings/reaction. I knew I needed to seek Christ, not her. But by the middle of the night, came a seismic reaction within me. I stayed awake the rest of the night, thinking. I decided I wanted to pursue her. I decided I would revamp my entire life, reorienting it around her. I decided I needed to get productive in worldly things, like trying to make money and being more responsible in general. I decided that in case I'm not saved, I'll just have to put working on that to the side, and do it only when I have spare time, outside of my productivity hours. The next day, at Bible study, I asked for prayer for her and our potential relationship.
Sunday, I became sure I had given my life to Christ, again. This impression lasted through most of yesterday. But by today, I am questioning again. One thing I wonder, was my giving of my life to Christ on Sunday subconsciously motivated by the desire to get on with my life while seeking her, fooling myself into thinking I'm a Christian to clear the way for my newly planned productivity lifestyle?
In general, and on Sunday in particular, I have been contemplating and praying about the potential conflict of interest between seeking this woman and seeking Jesus. I have thought about the concept of Adam choosing Eve over God, and eating the fruit. I have been going to God in prayer, saying things like, "If this potential relationship needs to be nipped in the bud, let it be nipped in the bud. I need to drop anything and everything You want me to drop. Jesus, You said that whoever does not forsake all that he has, cannot be Your disciple. Help me."
Now I am wondering if, in spite of praying like that, I have subconsciously settled on seeking the lady over seeking God. If I wondered before about my sincerity in trying to give my life to Christ, I REALLY wonder about it, now.
On Sunday, thought I really decided to let that relationship drop if God wants me to let it drop. And sincerely gave my life to Jesus. But, like I said, now I'm wondering about what is/has been going on in my subconscious, and if I fake seeking God and for real seek her.