- Feb 3, 2016
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Another thread about forgiveness piqued my interest...mostly because I struggle with these issues and cannot comprehend the emotional mechanics behind them. I know both are required for salvation and our own forgiveness, but I struggle with how to make it....work? Click? Activate?
Should there be an emotional part of these two things? For instance; My first husband beat the snot out of me, cheated on me and did drugs. There were atrocious things he did/said to me...and just being who he was, I can't process any sort of forgiveness for him; even after 20 years. I feel like he should be punished horribly and even if he was sorry, I don't see why me pardoning him will change the past, present or future.
I can't comprehend the necessity of it. Nothing clicks in my brain when I'm told "In order for Jesus to forgive you, you must forgive others." Ok, so I say, "ex-husband who treated me bad? I forgive you." Nothing happens in my heart/brain. I still feel anger, resentment and a desire that he receives a horrible comeuppance for being the awful person he is and what he did to me. I'll never forget what he did and part of me even hopes he goes to hell for it. That is probably unforgivable in itself....SO, how do I get myself in compliance with this Biblical directive? I can't emote on this.... I cannot neurologically get a feeling of...whatever forgiveness even is to activate! That's the best I can describe it.
As for Repentance? Ugh...same thing. I know we must be repentant to have the process of Salvation come full circle. We must realize we are sinners, check! Believe in Jesus Christ and that he died for our sins and rose from the grave, check! Then we must repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness....err.... I want to. I have a million times. Really. I want to FEEL repentant. Sorry for all the horrible things I say/do on a daily basis. I KNOW I mess up and I am a sinner. Soooo... I look repentance up. It's an act of feeling remorse or regret.
I feel nothing. It just...doesn't happen. In turn, that makes me wonder if i'm even pre-destined to be saved. If I'm not part of the elect...if I've been given over to a reprobate mind and abandoned because I can't truly feel remorse. I know these things disappoint the Lord and I don't want to do them. I don't want to disappoint Him and I do try to correct my behavior. I've made great strides trying to get rid of my cursing habit. I've tried not to think ill of my awful neighbor and wish her misfortune. These are works though... and that is another can of worms I struggle with as an autistic. Allll these shiny/sparkly/happy things we're supposed to FEEL and want to do...does not compute. Program error!
Do any other Aspies/Autistics suffer from lack of emotions and/or have hangups like this?
Should there be an emotional part of these two things? For instance; My first husband beat the snot out of me, cheated on me and did drugs. There were atrocious things he did/said to me...and just being who he was, I can't process any sort of forgiveness for him; even after 20 years. I feel like he should be punished horribly and even if he was sorry, I don't see why me pardoning him will change the past, present or future.
I can't comprehend the necessity of it. Nothing clicks in my brain when I'm told "In order for Jesus to forgive you, you must forgive others." Ok, so I say, "ex-husband who treated me bad? I forgive you." Nothing happens in my heart/brain. I still feel anger, resentment and a desire that he receives a horrible comeuppance for being the awful person he is and what he did to me. I'll never forget what he did and part of me even hopes he goes to hell for it. That is probably unforgivable in itself....SO, how do I get myself in compliance with this Biblical directive? I can't emote on this.... I cannot neurologically get a feeling of...whatever forgiveness even is to activate! That's the best I can describe it.
As for Repentance? Ugh...same thing. I know we must be repentant to have the process of Salvation come full circle. We must realize we are sinners, check! Believe in Jesus Christ and that he died for our sins and rose from the grave, check! Then we must repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness....err.... I want to. I have a million times. Really. I want to FEEL repentant. Sorry for all the horrible things I say/do on a daily basis. I KNOW I mess up and I am a sinner. Soooo... I look repentance up. It's an act of feeling remorse or regret.
I feel nothing. It just...doesn't happen. In turn, that makes me wonder if i'm even pre-destined to be saved. If I'm not part of the elect...if I've been given over to a reprobate mind and abandoned because I can't truly feel remorse. I know these things disappoint the Lord and I don't want to do them. I don't want to disappoint Him and I do try to correct my behavior. I've made great strides trying to get rid of my cursing habit. I've tried not to think ill of my awful neighbor and wish her misfortune. These are works though... and that is another can of worms I struggle with as an autistic. Allll these shiny/sparkly/happy things we're supposed to FEEL and want to do...does not compute. Program error!
Do any other Aspies/Autistics suffer from lack of emotions and/or have hangups like this?