Dating and Sex

[Endeavourer]

Good ideas, I thought about getting involved at the abortion prevention mission near me. Just seems really predatory to be looking for potential dates from women who are being abused or are in distress.

But, it's one more thing I can try. Thanks.

GREAT idea!!!

You are there to minister to them. If you meet someone, then you do. You are not a predator, so no need to worry about whether it "seems predatory". More likely you might meet a like minded single person who is there ministering alongside of you.

Someone close to me is involved in a sidewalk abortion ministry, and their particular quiet, humble and loving approach is manna in the wilderness to the women who are distressed enough to be considering an abortion. They're able to show a beautiful testimony and witness to Christ, and love on people who need it. Definitely a way to expose the person you are inside very quickly.

Christian based abortion recovery ministries are another place where people who have a heart for the hurting tend to be. You might meet a woman who is ministering there along side of you, or you might meet a woman who has been through a lot and would think she had gone to heaven to find a person like you.

Obviously, use caution. Don't let your heartfelt care for people in hard times cloud your intellectual judgement. This is why it's dangerous for counselors to date patients. Judgements are clouded.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

Correct. Our society VASTLY overemphasizes sex.

The amount of mentions of sex, visual images of sex, and messaging around sex is at level 20 in a culture where fifty years ago it was at level 1.



Totally empathize. But this is the world polluting your mind, not a failing on the Church. Had you grown up without the world constantly jamming the idea of sex down your mind, you would not have obsessive thoughts in this area. You would have normal sexual urges but it would not weigh on your mind so.



And what if you marry someone and they don't want to have sex as much as you?

What if you marry someone and a month later they are in a horrible accident and are paralyzed from the neck down?

I think what's actually going on is that Christian life does not emphasize sex as more important than nearly everything else. The world does. If you adapt the world's view, then the Christian view is always going to seem burdensome because it's denying you the hedonistic pleasures that the world insists is your birthright. You are constantly being fed the message that unless you are having lots of sex with lots of people, you are somehow not measuring up to the world, your self-worth is lower, and you are missing out.

I think you need to evaluate those messages.

In this age of online dating, I think finding Christian singles to date is easier than ever, actually. I don't think finding the RIGHT person is any easier, but then it's NEVER been easy To some extent, it's a numbers game. If I was single, I wouldn't hesitate to use online services to find someone, being completely upfront about your faith and expectations. That's what I did 10 years ago and I'm still married to the same woman.

The only message I'm evaluating is the one where Paul says it's better to marry than burn with desire... Jesus preached single life to men, He said being married made your life harder, correct me if I'm mistaken. Paul even told the Corinthian's he wished they were all as he was, apparently he was asexual or just a master of his desire and didn't need it.

But, I think marriage was created for 2 things. Sex and Children. I think people started tacking on 100 different things to it through the years. I'm only worried about fulfilling my physical desires in a way that is obedient to God, and I'm willing to take the responsibility that comes with that as a price. Where is my unnatural desire?

 

[Romans 8]

Aso, I'm not some 400lb guy in my mom's basement... I'm 6'2'' 235, train 6 days a week in martial arts and strength training, I'm also in the top 10% of earners in the US, and I live by myself with my adorable cat Beast, I've sacrificed a lot to take care of my brother and his wife financially, and I visit my parents every weekend. I call my parents almost daily and they couldn't be more proud of me, my mother keeps telling me not to settle that I'm pure gold... I'm nowhere near perfect, and yeah she's gonna have to put up with a stubborn can't sit still achievaholic, but she's gonna have problems too...

Exactly what is it about me that's so unattractive?

What kind of women are you going for? You may be out of your league if you're trying but not getting results. Just because your mom says you're attractive doesn't mean that attractive women think so.

You need to consider your standards and if you set them unnecessarily high. It does work both ways and women are not the only picky ones. I think if everyone relaxed a bit on their ideal mate and just got to know people, people might end up with more compatible partners.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

So, the bible is pretty clear when it comes to pre-marital sex. It's a sin. Why, that can be debated, but that's not something I want to do. I personally don't have an issue with the idea of abstinence until marriage, there's a pretty good amount of non-biblical proof to support it anyway.

My issue is simple... I think the western, modern church, has failed singles.

Paul makes it quite clear that it is better to marry than to burn with desire. However, in that day, a man such as myself, could literally buy a wife. I make very good money.

My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage.

I am 33 years old. I had it rough getting started, let's just say I was sexualized at a very young age without even knowing what it was, and then given unrestricted internet access that you can imagine created problems for me.

I've been a Christian since I was like 5, and I've wrestled with this issue since I was like 16. Not trying to dig up years and years of therapy, but I'm not a typical guy, I have a lot of damage in this area.

Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex.

I personally don't think that's how it was meant to be, and I think we unduly suffer because of it. I think the church has abandoned us in this area.

Hi I think there is a solution to your problem as you see that dating is the path towards marriage and in reality it is a mistake. If you approach the lady you are interested in and instead of asking her out you ask permission to court her she knows your intent from the beginning. My nephew is about 30 and asked to court this woman and they are engaged and set to be married in under a year. In courting you are not going out having fun and all you are having discussions about what in life is important and what are your likes and dislikes and figuring out if you are compatible. over this process you discuss what you want in a wife/husband and what are your goals and all kids and all that. In other words courting cuts to the chase and puts the prospect of marriage on the table right away.

 

[ObadiahHaidabo]

But, I think marriage was created for 2 things. Sex and Children. I think people started tacking on 100 different things to it through the years.

Genesis 3:18: "It is not good for the man to be alone."

You are missing out on a huge part of marriage: companionship. Oh, and love, too!

I would have married my wife even if I knew we were never going to have sex or have children. I certainly am not going to leave her if we stop.

(Well, OK, we have stopped having children since we're both too old now

I'm only worried about fulfilling my physical desires in a way that is obedient to God, and I'm willing to take the responsibility that comes with that as a price.

Marriage is so much more than that. If you're only getting married so you have have sex without sin, don't get married. Sex is the icing on the cake...don't try to make it the eggs and flour.

 

[Endeavourer]

The only message I'm evaluating is the one where Paul says it's better to marry than burn with desire... Jesus preached single life to men, He said being married made your life harder, correct me if I'm mistaken. Paul even told the Corinthian's he wished they were all as he was, apparently he was asexual or just a master of his desire and didn't need it.

But, I think marriage was created for 2 things. Sex and Children. I think people started tacking on 100 different things to it through the years. I'm only worried about fulfilling my physical desires in a way that is obedient to God, and I'm willing to take the responsibility that comes with that as a price. Where is my unnatural desire?

Well, I would say it's created for companionship and children. Out of companionship comes the natural need to connect with someone at a physical level to express your love to them. This is intertwined with the drive God gave you to connect, so it's all a balancing act. My experience of this aspect has been that God's design is for extraordinary care and companionship to naturally drive to physical expressions of love and that provide the masculine release. Rinse and repeat.

You are the one with the drive, and you are the one then most tasked to nourish the relationship to maintain the flow of this design. I pray that the woman you chose responds to your relationship outreaches with reciprocation.

For whatever reason, God created the man to pursue and the woman to enjoy being pursued. (The reverse doesn't work well.) This pursuit dynamic continues through the marriage but not in a way that is manipulative, so I hope you don't take this statement wrong. At the time of the marriage, the wife is officially "caught" but the pursuit dynamics still continue. Make sure you marry someone who reciprocates back your outpouring of love in your daily pursuit of her.... i.e. the interaction is enthusiastically mutual and not one sided.

My husband often says if he had to chose between my companionship/friendship vs sex, he'd pick my friendship every time. My understanding is this is a testimony to how great my friendship is...lol.

 

[Danielwright2311]

So, the bible is pretty clear when it comes to pre-marital sex. It's a sin. Why, that can be debated, but that's not something I want to do. I personally don't have an issue with the idea of abstinence until marriage, there's a pretty good amount of non-biblical proof to support it anyway.

My issue is simple... I think the western, modern church, has failed singles.

Paul makes it quite clear that it is better to marry than to burn with desire. However, in that day, a man such as myself, could literally buy a wife. I make very good money.

My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage.

I am 33 years old. I had it rough getting started, let's just say I was sexualized at a very young age without even knowing what it was, and then given unrestricted internet access that you can imagine created problems for me.

I've been a Christian since I was like 5, and I've wrestled with this issue since I was like 16. Not trying to dig up years and years of therapy, but I'm not a typical guy, I have a lot of damage in this area.

Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex.

I personally don't think that's how it was meant to be, and I think we unduly suffer because of it. I think the church has abandoned us in this area.

I'm confused,

When you was a child you never needed sex, you never wanted sex, never cared about sex.

So, be as a child every day and do not even let any sexual thought enter into your world.
Protect your self from it, think like a child and live as a child of God.

Make sure on a daily basis to set your self up from anything sexual like inappropriate content.

Train your self to look at others as people and not sexual objects, put value into others as humans and then one day you will free your self from the human need for sex.

Its a fact, sexual felling's are a trained event as children do not have them and there human.

When I was a teen I never thought about sex, With another human, it never crossed my mind.
I wanted to date pretty girls but not for sex, for the relationship. Sex never came a part of my life till I was older and saw naked pictures of wemon. That is what started it with me.

Then I started to date and it went from there, now, I have children I can not see due to lies and am divorced due to lies based my whole relationships on sex.

Life is about loving others, sex is just a added bonus and till we start training our self away from the images of seeing others as sexual objects we will be trapped in a confusing life.

Be more force filled toured you and fix your mind.

There are couples who live together for life and never have sex because they cant for one reason or another and there happier then others who do have sex, they have freed them self from it.

So, my advice and question to you is this

Are you getting married for sex or for love? As if it was for love there would be no need for sex as a spouse is not for the reason of sex, there for love.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I've seen it, trust me, I know it exists. That's what I'd like for myself. I just don't know how to go about finding it... Where can I go as a 33 year old man, to meet Christian women who are single, and want to date? I'm in the U.S. BTW.

I can get on a dating site, for the 500th time, and be reminded again that I am not attractive physically, that I'm boring and uninteresting, and that woman don't want me...

I can go to yet another church singles group and play the guessing game on who is actually single, not to mention who is even my age, I have a horrific time trying to figure out women's ages, I've thought 20 year old's were 30 and vice versa. I would have very little in common with someone fresh in college, as much as I'd like to physically, I would also probably die 20-25 years before she would and I wouldn't want to leave her like that. I've seen my grandmother alone for the last 10 years and it's been so hard on her.

I can hope through sheer luck that I randomly bump into her in the store, at the gym, at a friday night pool party, or some other random chance meeting.

I try to avoid at all costs the idea of dating in the work place, and find that to be extremely anxiety inducing.

So as you can see, my options are very limited...

Also, I'm not some 400lb guy in my mom's basement... I'm 6'2'' 235, train 6 days a week in martial arts and strength training, I'm also in the top 10% of earners in the US, and I live by myself with my adorable cat Beast, I've sacrificed a lot to take care of my brother and his wife financially, and I visit my parents every weekend. I call my parents almost daily and they couldn't be more proud of me, my mother keeps telling me not to settle that I'm pure gold... I'm nowhere near perfect, and yeah she's gonna have to put up with a stubborn can't sit still achievaholic, but she's gonna have problems too...

Exactly what is it about me that's so unattractive?

Maybe when you're at church or on-line, you need to say, wear, or do something that indicates to the ladies that, "Yeah, I'm established financially!" ...As they say, "money talks!"---even for many Christian women.

 

[Endeavourer]

If you approach the lady you are interested in and instead of asking her out you ask permission to court her she knows your intent from the beginning. My nephew is about 30 and asked to court this woman and they are engaged and set to be married in under a year. In courting you are not going out having fun and all you are having discussions about what in life is important and what are your likes and dislikes and figuring out if you are compatible. over this process you discuss what you want in a wife/husband and what are your goals and all kids and all that. In other words courting cuts to the chase and puts the prospect of marriage on the table right away.

I have two cautions about the courting approach:

a) You lean towards the mindset of a "buyer" from the outset, so it can blind you to incompatibilities, and

b) Some courting ideologues and/or methods do not allow enough contact between the parties prior to the marriage so you end up marrying someone that you don't really know very well. The process is designed to hide the real person inside of you from each other, and then you just get what you get when the wedding is all over.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

I'm not trying to rationalize it, I've done it, it's not good, I know why. I am trying to be in obedience and I seriously question that what was set up to be the best possible scenario, and how we were created to continue, hasn't been completely undone by society and the church has allowed it to infiltrate there also.

I agree that apps are not a great way to meet Christian women, I'm not arguing for apps, trust me.

I'm saying, just go to your church doesn't solve the problem. It's not like you start on common ground to begin with at all. Okay, sure we're both Christians, but how committed are they to that? What about common interests? What about political views? What about ALL the other things that must be in order for someone to be deemed "the one"?

The sins of man are just as prevalent in the church, women are no less sinful in church as they are out, the same goes for men. I know people who are going to church and hooking up, yeah they know it's wrong, but they do it anyway. We're living in a completely different culture than they were in Corinth. We need to re-establish order to all this chaos.

Actually, the U.S. of America is not very far from being either Corinthian or Laodicean in its social make-up. So, this presents a somewhat high hurdle for any Christian who would like to find a relationship that can proceed in biblical, N.T. terms. Sad, but true; and similarly to you, I had to deal with some of the same things before I found my wife. In fact, I also had to get to the point where I finally said: "God, this is a big planet, I'm willing to go to the ends-of-the-earth to find a suitable woman--would you take me there"? And somehow, through the crazy bureaucratic crap and other red-tape that the nations of our world "humbly provide" for us to cut through, I found a suitable wife ...

 

[RDKirk]

It's not bomb proof. Especially when some men are hunting for women more than a decade younger. There is no "way out". Just better odds.

There is still in the Philippines a somewhat different--old school--concept that marriage is not intended to be some magical, constantly giddy lifelong whirlwind of happiness, but a partnership agreement between a man and a woman to work through life watching each other's back and helping to carry each other's load.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

Genesis 3:18: "It is not good for the man to be alone."

You are missing out on a huge part of marriage: companionship. Oh, and love, too!

I would have married my wife even if I knew we were never going to have sex or have children. I certainly am not going to leave her if we stop.

(Well, OK, we have stopped having children since we're both too old now



Marriage is so much more than that. If you're only getting married so you have have sex without sin, don't get married. Sex is the icing on the cake...don't try to make it the eggs and flour.

Then what do I do? I'm placed in a catch 22... I can't marry if I don't find my BFF? Love is a choice not a feeling. It's what drives you to clean up vomit all over the car when your kid is sick, etc... It's unconditional by nature, and I don't really think humans are capable of it. I've never seen an unconditional relationship, everyone has a breaking point. There's a reason divorce is so common and marriage rates have plummeted in my generation.

I've had 2 best friends in my entire life. One from age 6-12, and one from age 18-21. Don't get me wrong, I have a LOT of friends, but none of them I'd take a bullet for so to speak, although I'd take a bullet for just about anyone.

I've never really had a companion. I don't know what that is. Someone who is always there, always down for whatever etc? I mean, yeah, good luck... Find me a woman that thinks video games are awesome, and likes combat sports, that is fit? Good luck, we're talking about like 1 in a million. Well, I can find a ton of dudes that fit that picture, although obviously I don't care if they're fit lol, but I have never found a single female that fits that picture who isn't living in Germany and I only know about her because of social media...

I think it's unnecessary to be best friends with your SO, they can have their friends, their interests, their passions, you can have yours, and they come together for the children assuming she even wants them...

I think MAYBE 10% of the married population is married to someone they consider their companion / best friend. Considering that's like half the people on the planet, that's still a large number, but it's really small when you start breaking it down to the city level.

EDIT: Actually re-thought this a little, I actually would care if my best friend as a dude wasn't fit, because doing the stuff I like to do with him if he wasn't fit would be a lot harder, so I don't think my interest in that is purely physical desire.

 

[RDKirk]

b) Some courting ideologues and/or methods do not allow enough contact between the parties prior to the marriage so you end up marrying someone that you don't really know very well. The process is designed to hide the real person inside of you from each other, and then you just get what you get when the wedding is all over.

That doesn't necessarily matter. Remember that everything we read in scripture about the permanence of marriage ("Rejoice in the wife of your youth") is based on arranged marriages.

All the current folderol about finding an ideally compatible mate is just bunk. If we have a Spirit-filled man obedient to the Lord and a Spirit-filled woman obedient to the Lord, then any two of them can be satisfactory mates for one another.

Remember that all people change over time. All people change over time. That means even if a man and a woman are initially ideally compatible, in another ten years both will have changed so much that they might look at one another and think, "Who are you? You're not the person I married!"

At that point, they're no different from two people who had an arranged marriage from the outset...except they're now surprised and disgruntled that they will have to agree to make an effort to make their marriage work anyway.

It doesn't take having already slept together for ten years to come to that point of agreement. A man and a woman can come to that--to be partners in life watching each other's back and carrying each other's load--at the outset of their relationship.

The way around that negative outcome is to do that work all along. Knowing that they will change, then work at changing in the same direction.

 

[RDKirk]

I have two cautions about the courting approach:

a) You lean towards the mindset of a "buyer" from the outset, so it can blind you to incompatibilities, and

b) Some courting ideologues and/or methods do not allow enough contact between the parties prior to the marriage so you end up marrying someone that you don't really know very well. The process is designed to hide the real person inside of you from each other, and then you just get what you get when the wedding is all over.

This is a reason to allow families into the vetting process. Your family knows you better than you do.

 

[Emosoundlogic]

Maybe when you're at church or on-line, you need to say, wear, or do something that indicates to the ladies that, "Yeah, I'm established financially!" ...As they say, "money talks!"---even for many Christian women.

Lol, women don't have to guess if I make good money, my pictures are pretty convincing I think.

Imgur

 

[mama2one]

delete as getting off topic

 

[Romans 8]

There is still in the Philippines a somewhat different--old school--concept that marriage is not intended to be some magical, constantly giddy lifelong whirlwind of happiness, but a partnership agreement between a man and a woman to work through life watching each other's back and helping to carry each other's load.

That's right. Which is why their marriages are a safer bet as their culture supports all aspects of marriage. I would have thought that western Christian women would support marriage more than non Christians but I can tell from many in the forums that this may not be so.

 

[Romans 8]

Lol, women don't have to guess if I make good money, my pictures are pretty convincing I think.

Imgur

You're probably going to repel any gold hearted women, yet attract gold diggers if that's your game.

 

[lsume]

So, the bible is pretty clear when it comes to pre-marital sex. It's a sin. Why, that can be debated, but that's not something I want to do. I personally don't have an issue with the idea of abstinence until marriage, there's a pretty good amount of non-biblical proof to support it anyway.

My issue is simple... I think the western, modern church, has failed singles.

Paul makes it quite clear that it is better to marry than to burn with desire. However, in that day, a man such as myself, could literally buy a wife. I make very good money.

My issue is, people in general, especially women (it seems to me) want to date for long extended periods of time before they're even willing to consider marriage.

I am 33 years old. I had it rough getting started, let's just say I was sexualized at a very young age without even knowing what it was, and then given unrestricted internet access that you can imagine created problems for me.

I've been a Christian since I was like 5, and I've wrestled with this issue since I was like 16. Not trying to dig up years and years of therapy, but I'm not a typical guy, I have a lot of damage in this area.

Now days if I want to get married, assuming I can even find a woman that wants to date me (you'd be surprised how much of a struggle it is to find one), I am looking at months of "dating" before we are in a "relationship" followed by most likely years, and then finally we get married and I am finally allowed to have sex.

I personally don't think that's how it was meant to be, and I think we unduly suffer because of it. I think the church has abandoned us in this area.

I absolutely know that Christ can set you free. Try fasting and praying without ceasing.

 

[2PhiloVoid]

Lol, women don't have to guess if I make good money, my pictures are pretty convincing I think.

Imgur

I won't click on the link to 'see' it, so I'll just have to take your word for it.

But seriously, are you wanting to be with a women who just wants to "hang out in life" in a cracker-box apartment for 40 years, or are you wanting a women who sees some potential in you for life, love, marriage, family, and growth with one another through the years? Most women, since they have the potential to carry a child in their womb and know they can become preoccupied with the venture of caring for children, want to know that 'their man' can, and will, provide at least some modicum of support that goes beyond playing a video game ...

I can say this because years ago I was a rag tag chum making only $3.95/hr (part-time) then to $5.75/hr (full time) when I was dating around, even at the time I met my wife. And that little fact made things a little difficult for me in getting the fish to bite.