Advice needed, turning around

[Rosesandthorns]

Two weekends ago I took a trip to London, completely last minute on the train unprepared and travelled alone 8 hours from my home in Wales.

The night before this happened I had lost my faith.

I was with my boyfriend we had been having sex and I had been drinking alcohol heavily for nights. I was feeling close to death, spiritually and physically. I didn't feel the Holy Spirit anymore I felt weak, my health declining and that my spiritual body was so damaged from all of the sin that I thought "Ok, this is the end. If I die, I die."

12am, just as I was about to go to bed my phone rings just before we headed upstairs - a Christian friend said he knew what was happening and said I needed to repent, how he knew I don't know..

I ran into the bathroom "How!?" He said the Holy Spirit told him to contact me.

I was so hardened I thought there is no way I could turn back.

Saturday Morning - I headed over on the train. The whole journey I was so out of my comfort zone not to mention I had no clue where in London I was going!

My heart was hardened towards Jesus. I couldn't feel the Holy Spirit. I felt suicidal and void of human emotion all I could feel was fear, anger and rage. I had constant eye pain a strange feeling of pride. I could feel the demonic presences entangled into my being I was very aware of what was happening. This was my whole body demonically entangled from the sex, drugs, sin and loss of the Holy Spirit.

Saturday Arrival - When I got there I fasted for two days I didn't eat or drink a single thing. The night before Sunday I tried to sleep but I could not sleep an inch I was attacked all night.

Sunday Morning - We headed to two services. The first service I went to was a small evangelical church where there was a lot of singing and worship the Lady was prophesying, she was very annointed as she began to talk it was as if she was speaking to me out of all the crowd, she saw what was happening inside of me and called me up. She prayed over me and I fell to the floor shaking I felt the fire of the Holy spirit move through her as she prayed and I could feel things leave me. She placed a blanket over me and I couldn't move on the floor for a good 10 minutes. I knew there were still things inside of me though and it wasn't finished. I hugged her so hard when I left and she exchanged phone numbers with me. Second service - The second service was a very large congregation in London, called winners church. We tried to make it on time to the service but we missed it - travelling so far we were so dissapointed but luckily my friend knew the pastor who favoured him so highly that he agreed to meet with me in his office.. this gentleman was a face I'll never forget as he got up from his desk, I could see the Holy Spirit in his eyes and the love of Jesus as he annointed my head with oil and commanded whatever was left to leave he told me to read the book of JOB after I had left. His eyes were piercing and the image stayed with me all the way back to my friends house. We got back to my friends house, I felt a slow shift taking place inside of me.

We arrived back at my friends house, I showered and got a clean change of clothes. I sat down and began to write with my pen -- I could feel the essence of life slowly coming into me telling me information and it made sense. The feeling stayed with me, I headed for the train thinking about what was happening.

On the train home I planned to meet my boyfriend when I got off the train. I was staying at his house. I told him I didn't wanna go back to having sex and I wanted to abstain, he respected my desicion and I told him I needed to keep to this cleaner way of living. We ordered Chinese food and watched movies and we didn't have sex.

The week went on and I felt less of the Holy Spirit and felt I was leaving doors open "Shall we go out?" my friend said. I said ok as long as I don't drink. I ended up drinking, having sex and being tormented even worse.

Shortly, if not days after I felt the holy spirit eave. I was back in square one and even worse than before. I couldn't sustain the deliverence.

I am thinking I may need to leave the area in which I'm living in, in order to change my path.. if there's still hope left, I want to repent of my sin but I need to be in a place where I cannot repeat habbits? Leave my area completely move somewhere I can keep my deliverence.

I spoke to my boyfriend and he wants to move to Leeds I just need to figure out a ministry down in Leeds, I know of one called Mercy UK which is a biblical school which is what I was going to do this year which is in Yorkshire. He supports my Christian beliefs and said if we get married he will get baptized.

I have a ticket that's valid for a whole month to go back down to London. Maybe break things off with my boyfriend for now, fast, repent and get deliverence this time..

Any advice appriciated please no judgemental or mean comments as I'm feeling fear as it is. Thank you.

 

[disciple Clint]

Two weekends ago I took a trip to London, completely last minute on the train unprepared and travelled alone 8 hours from my home in Wales.

The night before this happened I had lost my faith.

I was with my boyfriend we had been having sex and I had been drinking alcohol heavily for nights. I was feeling close to death, spiritually and physically. I didn't feel the Holy Spirit anymore I felt weak, my health declining and that my spiritual body was so damaged from all of the sin that I thought "Ok, this is the end. If I die, I die."

12am, just as I was about to go to bed my phone rings just before we headed upstairs - a Christian friend said he knew what was happening and said I needed to repent, how he knew I don't know..

I ran into the bathroom "How!?" He said the Holy Spirit told him to contact me.

I was so hardened I thought there is no way I could turn back.

Saturday Morning - I headed over on the train. The whole journey I was so out of my comfort zone not to mention I had no clue where in London I was going!

My heart was hardened towards Jesus. I couldn't feel the Holy Spirit. I felt suicidal and void of human emotion all I could feel was fear, anger and rage. I had constant eye pain a strange feeling of pride. I could feel the demonic presences entangled into my being I was very aware of what was happening. This was my whole body demonically entangled from the sex, drugs, sin and loss of the Holy Spirit.

Saturday Arrival - When I got there I fasted for two days I didn't eat or drink a single thing. The night before Sunday I tried to sleep but I could not sleep an inch I was attacked all night.

Sunday Morning - We headed to two services. The first service I went to was a small evangelical church where there was a lot of singing and worship the Lady was prophesying, she was very annointed as she began to talk it was as if she was speaking to me out of all the crowd, she saw what was happening inside of me and called me up. She prayed over me and I fell to the floor shaking I felt the fire of the Holy spirit move through her as she prayed and I could feel things leave me. She placed a blanket over me and I couldn't move on the floor for a good 10 minutes. I knew there were still things inside of me though and it wasn't finished. I hugged her so hard when I left and she exchanged phone numbers with me. Second service - The second service was a very large congregation in London, called winners church. We tried to make it on time to the service but we missed it - travelling so far we were so dissapointed but luckily my friend knew the pastor who favoured him so highly that he agreed to meet with me in his office.. this gentleman was a face I'll never forget as he got up from his desk, I could see the Holy Spirit in his eyes and the love of Jesus as he annointed my head with oil and commanded whatever was left to leave he told me to read the book of JOB after I had left. His eyes were piercing and the image stayed with me all the way back to my friends house. We got back to my friends house, I felt a slow shift taking place inside of me.

We arrived back at my friends house, I showered and got a clean change of clothes. I sat down and began to write with my pen -- I could feel the essence of life slowly coming into me telling me information and it made sense. The feeling stayed with me, I headed for the train thinking about what was happening.

On the train home I planned to meet my boyfriend when I got off the train. I was staying at his house. I told him I didn't wanna go back to having sex and I wanted to abstain, he respected my desicion and I told him I needed to keep to this cleaner way of living. We ordered Chinese food and watched movies and we didn't have sex.

The week went on and I felt less of the Holy Spirit and felt I was leaving doors open "Shall we go out?" my friend said. I said ok as long as I don't drink. I ended up drinking, having sex and being tormented even worse.

Shortly, if not days after I felt the holy spirit eave. I was back in square one and even worse than before. I couldn't sustain the deliverence.

I am thinking I may need to leave the area in which I'm living in, in order to change my path.. if there's still hope left, I want to repent of my sin but I need to be in a place where I cannot repeat habbits? Leave my area completely move somewhere I can keep my deliverence.

I spoke to my boyfriend and he wants to move to Leeds I just need to figure out a ministry down in Leeds, I know of one called Mercy UK which is a biblical school which is what I was going to do this year which is in Yorkshire. He supports my Christian beliefs and said if we get married he will get baptized.

I have a ticket that's valid for a whole month to go back down to London. Maybe break things off with my boyfriend for now, fast, repent and get deliverence this time..

Any advice appriciated please no judgemental or mean comments as I'm feeling fear as it is. Thank you.

It sounds like you already know what to do, I would encourage you to do what you know is in your heart. Prayers and Blessings

 

[morse86]

 

[Rosesandthorns]

What is this

 

[crossnote]

Rose, it seems to me, reading your story, that your words place a lot of emphasis on 'feeling the Holy Spirit'. I acknowledge when we first come to Jesus there are a lot of signs and feelings, but I believe God wants to wean us off the feelings and bring us to a place where we walk by faith.

This would involve clinging to such promises as "I will never leave you nor forsake you"

or " Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

or If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 KJV)

When we are His, these things are so whether we 'feel' them or not. That is our walk of faith.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Rose, it seems to me, reading your story, that your words place a lot of emphasis on 'feeling the Holy Spirit'. I acknowledge when we first come to Jesus there are a lot of signs and feelings, but I believe God wants to wean us off the feelings and bring us to a place where we walk by faith.

This would involve clinging to such promises as "I will never leave you nor forsake you"

or " Fear thou not; for I [am] with thee: be not dismayed; for I [am] thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness."

or If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us [our] sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9 KJV)

When we are His, these things are so whether we 'feel' them or not. That is our walk of faith.

I agree with what you are saying. At times I would feel that the "Spirit of fear / Satans evil spirits would stress me it could play with my mind with the amount of things I was fed. I believe it's better I go ahead with the deliverence in London and keep in faith pushing the lies out with truth. Jesus is so merciful I didn't think I would get another chance but damn it's a war and I need to be on the side of the winner I can't be playin after I come back from London..

 

[crossnote]

I agree with what you are saying. At times I would feel that the "Spirit of fear / Satans evil spirits would stress me it could play with my mind with the amount of things I was fed. I believe it's better I go ahead with the deliverence in London and keep in faith pushing the lies out with truth. Jesus is so merciful I didn't think I would get another chance but damn it's a war and I need to be on the side of the winner I can't be playin after I come back from London..

I like also to be kept reminded of this passage because if Jesus expects us to forgive another whenever they ask for forgiveness, how much more will God forgive us through Jesus when we ask Him.

Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus [*]said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. (Matthew 18:21-22 NASB)

 

[Invalidusername]

Your boyfriend is not a Christian and getting baptized is not repentance so I would suggest breaking it off with him.

You are really very lucky. God did not have mercy on me like He did to you. He allowed me to wallow in sin until it was too late. So my advice to you is to STOP sinning ASAP and really dedicate your life to God no matter what.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

Too late? What's that supposed to mean? You dont know the amount I've been through You don't know me. I wouldn't consider myself lucky. I have fallen very deeply and far from God, many times. I don't mean to sound rude saying that but you don't anyone enough to say that. I am trying to.. that's the aim..

 

[Invalidusername]

Too late? What's that supposed to mean? You dont know the amount I've been through You don't know me. I wouldn't consider myself lucky. I have fallen very deeply and far from God, many times. I don't mean to sound rude saying that but you don't anyone enough to say that. I am trying to.. that's the aim..

No I am not saying it's too late for you. It is too late for me. I still have hope for you. Just remember God is far more important than some boyfriend or anything. Don't trade Christ for anything.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

How is it too late for you? Nobody is beyond saving.. trust me if it was I wouldn't be on here the amount of things I've done and said and the level of deprivation.. you only have to look at my previous posts..

No I am not saying it's too late for you. It is too late for me. I still have hope for you. Just remember God is far more important than some boyfriend or anything. Don't trade Christ for anything.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I don't feel saved even now so I can't trade him. The whole point of this post is I am trying to crawl back to him..

 

[Invalidusername]

How is it too late for you? Nobody is beyond saving.. trust me if it was I wouldn't be on here the amount of things I've done and said and the level of deprivation.. you only have to look at my previous posts..

I understand but I did my sins with a very large amount of knowledge and light. I read your posts and I can still see a pure heart, believe it or not. You have the ability for remorse, you still have conviction of sin, you seem to have a fear of God. You are not beyond saving so I would suggest you to take it seriously. You have your warning now. God loves you and that is why He has given you so many chances. Don't abuse that grace.

 

[Invalidusername]

I don't feel saved even now so I can't trade him. The whole point of this post is I am trying to crawl back to him..

Oh well all you need to do is focus on Christ. If you can trust that His sacrifice is sufficient for your sins and you can renounce your sins as evil, then you are not beyond repentance. That is the litmus test.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I don't think the degree to which my heart is hardened you understand I have spent hours upon hours studying the unpardonable sin, the Greek texts, Esau, salvation, universalism.

 

[Invalidusername]

Oh I see. I am in the same situation then.

What you need to decide is if you are going to search after Jesus no matter what the cost is. Even if it requires you to break up with your trashy boyfriend.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

So you honestly don't think God can forgive you? I was also saved in a church and had experiences of healing and deliverence. My heart was so hardened at times I DIDN'T fear God or feel any love or emotion. It is the demonic that feed into us after we open doors that decieve us into believing we cannot be forgiven.

2 years I was catatonic (I'm 24 year old female, I have a history of drugs, sex, I'm not innocent) I spent two years feeling nothing but intense fear and dread to the point where I knew I'd not only lost the Holy Spirit but I felt I had blasphemed. Nothing and I mean nothing helped I was in utter agony day and night didn't wanna even look in the mirror.


Until I had deliverence. It was demonic spirits. These spirits can manipulate anything we leave the door open to. I am telling you... if you haven't been for deliverence and you've "lost all hope" those are the doors you need to focus on. I had 3 days of fasting and two days of prayer (I need a LOT more now) and intense deliverence, it IS possible..

The demons want you to believe God is done with you.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

If you see in my post, this is what I'm trying to reconcile.. the feeling I had after deliverence. Only then you can see it's the doors open to demons not that God is done with you..

 

[Invalidusername]

So you honestly don't think God can forgive you? I was also saved in a church and had experiences of healing and deliverence. My heart was so hardened at times I DIDN'T fear God or feel any love or emotion. It is the demonic that feed into us after we open doors that decieve us into believing we cannot be forgiven.

2 years I was catatonic (I'm 24 year old female, I have a history of drugs, sex, I'm not innocent) I spent two years feeling nothing but intense fear and dread to the point where I knew I'd not only lost the Holy Spirit but I felt I had blasphemed. Nothing and I mean nothing helped I was in utter agony day and night didn't wanna even look in the mirror.


Until I had deliverence. It was demonic spirits. These spirits can manipulate anything we leave the door open to. I am telling you... if you haven't been for deliverence and you've "lost all hope" those are the doors you need to focus on. I had 3 days of fasting and two days of prayer (I need a LOT more now) and intense deliverence, it IS possible..

The demons want you to believe God is done with you.

I appreciate your words of encouragement and advice. However I don't think I have a demon problem. I simply feel nothing. Complete apathy. I am not even capable of fear.

That is why I see you and I think you have hope. God can and will save you if you seek after Him.

 

[Rosesandthorns]

I would feel annoyed when people would comfort me because I thought they didn't understand how lucky they were. I am only sharing my experience in hope that it will make you also see that even in that state there is hope. When the HS leaves Demons, spirits whatever you want to call it INSTANTLY come in. They can take the form of emotionalness, catatonic.. all kinds of things.

That's demonic, that is what these demons are. I can't put you into my body or me into yours but I wish I could so you could see I am a walking tomb, I can type, see what I type but I don't feel it. I don't feel fear either infact only "knowing" something is bad.. I don't feel convicted of sin or bad for my sin my heart doesn't feel love (believe if or not my boyfriend cannot tell) this is not a result of God being done with you.. if I'm talking to you I'm talking to me. I don't feel a thing but the only reason I'm able to rationalize is knowing that demons do not allow us to experience the Holy Spirit. If you open the doors they BLOCK IT. Do you see?

I have tried to commit suicide multiple times and not felt any fear of doing it. I was thinking all kinds of things like maybe I'll be saved after death ect. When I went to London for the deliverence service it wasn't fully gone but I felt something leave me... and I felt the start of the Holy Spirit come back (after 2 years of sheer agony of non existent torture of feeling like I wasn't even alive) so it is possible... if you are alive and breathing no matter how you feel. The demons want you to feel so numb you can't even comprehend that you could have them delivered. They are clever.

That is in essence what I spoke about in my last post.