Hi all, I'm new to this forum and need advice, suggestions, just anything at this point. I'm not OK at all. The hole in my heart has become catastrophic and prayer does nothing. I've been darkening in my mind like most existentialists and my soul has become sick. I do not feel love, only coldness and deathlike apathy, as the darkness of life settles its black clouds over my mind.
I've had a horrible life, and I won't go into it- Son of a minister who was more like an antichrist and son of the most wonderful mother ever, Christian college grad and a bible database for a brain, but suffice it to say when I became saved for 3 years of trials in my 6 years of salvation, I was full of unwavering hope and faith. In these years I've been all alone, homeless, without any root or family, friends, and it slowly dawned on me that this is it. This is the most life has to give and no amount of prayers will ever end my loneliness, lust, desire, or fill the emptiness. God left about a year ago and has not come back. In that time, I've discovered that all things are meaningless (Ecclesiastes) and all purpose-seeking has become futile. There is no longer any justification for life, hope or even being with God in heaven. It's all become so empty and I even feel sorry for God that he is eternal is such devastating emptiness- that he had to create meaning for himself and us just to get by.
The source of my despair is such- All I wanted was love. All I prayed for was a companion for that love, since the Bible says those who burn with passion ought to be married and I've demonstrated an inability to change my desires to something more independent. I do not fornicate and I'm clinically hypersexual (nympho) so that maybe will illustrate the challenge I've always endured for sake of physical purity. All I wanted was a wife yet 6 years of active searching during the calamities of life itself I cannot stop believing that God does not care. I've learned that he is going to do what he is going to do, and I might as well put all life in neutral and drift carelessly and emptily through being used, abused, and ignored. Because life is not abundant, and hope unfulfilled is just a lie.
I cannot just find any woman, because I'm deeply Christian even when I write this- there is nothing but Christ even though in my heart I sense nothing matters, so why the heck not if it matters to him at least he gets something. But then I feel sorrow because I realize I'm not important. I'm not worthy to have a wife or hope fulfilled, and my duty is to provide glory to God through agony and then die a sad hermit.
The purpose of Christ is not ultimate, but it is our purpose so I can accept that, but it's at cost to any positive impact on my heart. I used to care, but after so long and knowing God does not bless me - my heart has frozen solid. I used to fight those feelings but experience is always the best teacher, and my experiences have taught me no love is out there for me and this hell on earth is my resting place. I don't believe in an actual hell, but I believe it's in a wretch's heart, such as mine.
I'm attaching my dating profiles from places like Craigslist and OKCupid for critique maybe. I've done my best to be honest and seek the woman for me so I don't know if I can change anything I've already written. I seek a woman who will be balanced with one such as myself. My friends all said it was perfect, so I trust them that it's good. I bear my heart to strangers, you all here, but I'm not sure what to write or expect. A last gasp of hope of my dying flames.
Start profile
((Doesn't matter where you live, I can take my Tiny House to you or you come to me))
I seek the other half of my heart in you. I want to be desired and needed utterly by you for your happiness, because that's how I am. I enjoy being at home when you come home. I love cuddling, watching movies, making fun of bad movies, pretty much whatever you love I just want to do that with you and be with you. I'm a couch potato and want to cuddle up a lot every day.
I believe life is ultimately empty and meaningless without Christ and without love, and we all can find goodness if we search for it and pray for it. Marriage will be the natural result of never wanting us to part from each other and I believe in it very firmly if two people love each other. I want you all to myself and I want you to covet me all the days of your life. I want a woman who values sex throughout the day like I do and wants me for her satisfaction and happiness. I'm Christian and seek a woman who desperately wants my heart and body all to herself. I want to be her world and I want her to be mine.
I live in a log cabin tiny house in Jerome, Idaho and would love to cuddle to movies with you. Long weekends don't scare me with someone new and driving distances are also not a worry if you genuinely put your best foot forward. If you like me then I want you to come over every day. I'm a very sexual person and realize that it's not going to change, so I want a woman who wants me too. I appreciate an expressive woman to compliment our walk through life together.
Love,
Kyle
--end profile
Thanks everyone for all of your help.
I've had a horrible life, and I won't go into it- Son of a minister who was more like an antichrist and son of the most wonderful mother ever, Christian college grad and a bible database for a brain, but suffice it to say when I became saved for 3 years of trials in my 6 years of salvation, I was full of unwavering hope and faith. In these years I've been all alone, homeless, without any root or family, friends, and it slowly dawned on me that this is it. This is the most life has to give and no amount of prayers will ever end my loneliness, lust, desire, or fill the emptiness. God left about a year ago and has not come back. In that time, I've discovered that all things are meaningless (Ecclesiastes) and all purpose-seeking has become futile. There is no longer any justification for life, hope or even being with God in heaven. It's all become so empty and I even feel sorry for God that he is eternal is such devastating emptiness- that he had to create meaning for himself and us just to get by.
The source of my despair is such- All I wanted was love. All I prayed for was a companion for that love, since the Bible says those who burn with passion ought to be married and I've demonstrated an inability to change my desires to something more independent. I do not fornicate and I'm clinically hypersexual (nympho) so that maybe will illustrate the challenge I've always endured for sake of physical purity. All I wanted was a wife yet 6 years of active searching during the calamities of life itself I cannot stop believing that God does not care. I've learned that he is going to do what he is going to do, and I might as well put all life in neutral and drift carelessly and emptily through being used, abused, and ignored. Because life is not abundant, and hope unfulfilled is just a lie.
I cannot just find any woman, because I'm deeply Christian even when I write this- there is nothing but Christ even though in my heart I sense nothing matters, so why the heck not if it matters to him at least he gets something. But then I feel sorrow because I realize I'm not important. I'm not worthy to have a wife or hope fulfilled, and my duty is to provide glory to God through agony and then die a sad hermit.
The purpose of Christ is not ultimate, but it is our purpose so I can accept that, but it's at cost to any positive impact on my heart. I used to care, but after so long and knowing God does not bless me - my heart has frozen solid. I used to fight those feelings but experience is always the best teacher, and my experiences have taught me no love is out there for me and this hell on earth is my resting place. I don't believe in an actual hell, but I believe it's in a wretch's heart, such as mine.
I'm attaching my dating profiles from places like Craigslist and OKCupid for critique maybe. I've done my best to be honest and seek the woman for me so I don't know if I can change anything I've already written. I seek a woman who will be balanced with one such as myself. My friends all said it was perfect, so I trust them that it's good. I bear my heart to strangers, you all here, but I'm not sure what to write or expect. A last gasp of hope of my dying flames.
Start profile
((Doesn't matter where you live, I can take my Tiny House to you or you come to me))
I seek the other half of my heart in you. I want to be desired and needed utterly by you for your happiness, because that's how I am. I enjoy being at home when you come home. I love cuddling, watching movies, making fun of bad movies, pretty much whatever you love I just want to do that with you and be with you. I'm a couch potato and want to cuddle up a lot every day.
I believe life is ultimately empty and meaningless without Christ and without love, and we all can find goodness if we search for it and pray for it. Marriage will be the natural result of never wanting us to part from each other and I believe in it very firmly if two people love each other. I want you all to myself and I want you to covet me all the days of your life. I want a woman who values sex throughout the day like I do and wants me for her satisfaction and happiness. I'm Christian and seek a woman who desperately wants my heart and body all to herself. I want to be her world and I want her to be mine.
I live in a log cabin tiny house in Jerome, Idaho and would love to cuddle to movies with you. Long weekends don't scare me with someone new and driving distances are also not a worry if you genuinely put your best foot forward. If you like me then I want you to come over every day. I'm a very sexual person and realize that it's not going to change, so I want a woman who wants me too. I appreciate an expressive woman to compliment our walk through life together.
Love,
Kyle
--end profile
Thanks everyone for all of your help.
