These past few months, I have been coming more and more to terms with myself. I still wish things were different, but my past troubles have been bothering me less and less so.
The beginning of 2015 was when my recovery truly happened. I quit my other job at the thrift store to work at the recycling depot full time. The stable environment and therapeutic relationships with my boss and co-workers over there have been keys to mental improvement. They treated me like a member of their family. They love my loyalty and sense of humour and I love their caring attitude. Before I used to be embarrassed of having to work menial jobs at a very dirty location but I no longer feel that. With the way this world is going right now, it will not matter anymore. Early Christians back then worked menial jobs, got cheap pay and were treated horribly by their employers. I got off easy on the employer part with this job.
Around this time, I got off several unnecessary medications that were causing more problems than they were solving. No more seroquel or celexa. Soon, we're going to have to cut down on resperidone due to the dizzy spells it might be causing me.
All the abuse I've suffered in childhood no longer haunts me at night. I'm no longer in school, I no longer live with my father, and I'm no longer forced to go to all these events where I know I'll have problems. Those days are over and I'm finally realizing it. The years after graduating, a psychologist noted that I had some signs of PTSD but that is slowly fading away thanks to the newfound stability. Before, I would try to fall asleep at night with the horrific scenes playing in my head over and over again. I would break down in tears, punch the wall and even self harm. Now, I can finally sleep easy with only minor bad thoughts in my head giving me brief moments of shame and embarrassment. It's been several months since I engage in any destructive behavior. Time has finally healed me from my past. It's not perfect, but it's a lot better than it was as little as two year ago.
Life is still far from perfect, but I feel calmer, more at ease with life. More at peace. In the past I often lashed out at God for my undesirable life. But you know what? Even that is on the decline. I'm finally embracing His actual loving self and His promises of a better existence on the other side of eternity. My mother and co-workers have noted how much improvement has been done over the last couple years. Right now, I'm finally coming to terms with myself and my life situation.
I still have a distance to go. Most of us still do. Some of us just need more time or support than others but the beautiful thing about God is that He only requires what we are capable of doing and offers us love and support when we lack those capabilities. I realize that in spite of my current adversities, the show must go on. I still have work to do until we are all called home. I look forward to the harvest.
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland."
~
Isaiah 43: 18-19
