I hope this thread will at least be coherent, as I have trouble with that due to the several medications I'm on. So I'm exploring Christianity, I guess. Let's go all the way back:
I was born in 1996. My parents are of different religions, my mother is a more liberal Catholic, and my father is a deist. I was baptized into the Catholic faith when I was 3 years old. When I was 5, I started school at a Catholic school, and that's when all the trouble started. Over the next 9 years that I attended that school, I developed depression with psychotic features. I mean, it didn't get to the point of death threats until like 5th grade (at which point I told my parents about how much I was being bullied) but before that I was still a complete outcast. Anyway, I was bullied for a few things, mostly being a vegetarian, being autistic (although I didn't know it at the time, I was diagnosed quite late) and having a less juvenile sense of humor. The school administration refused to do anything about it, so I ended up getting into a lot of fights and causing a lot of trouble. After 8th grade I left that school, went to public school. I didn't think much of religion until winter of 2012, when I felt like I absolutely lost control of my life. During that time I became angry, resentful, and so depressed that I was suicidal (I was suicidal at one point when I was 12/13, but the feeling had subsided until I was 16) and I started to become obsessed with God, hell, demons, Satan, religion, all those kinds of things. I'm still that way now, and I'm not sure what to think, really. I have read the Bible cover to cover, and I know I believe in it (or at least internet fundamentalist interpretation of it) but I'm not sure if I can accept God or if I'm even deserving to be saved.
I have a few questions for Christians, the first one being about demonic possession.
A few nights ago I was reading a book, it listed a bunch of symptoms of demonic possession that it had gathered from a medieval book on occult. Nearly every one of them fit me. It concerns me because I've been communicating unwillingly with demons since I was about 9 years old. The biggest ones were:
-Trying to make a pact with the devil. I have honestly in the past few years attempted to summon the devil to make a pact with him, however him and the demons only appear in my dreams or when I'm just waking up, and I can't really make a pact then because I'm not thinking coherently.
-Blasphemy. I know that the forum rules say blasphemy won't be tolerated, but honestly I've hated God so so much for the past few years, and I've had no trouble telling people about it. I think it's wrong and immoral some of the things that God does or did (according to fundamentalist Christians, which I'll get to later)
-Embracing evil. I've also tried to join the Illuminati, and I hold neoconservative political views that would start wars.
-Being excessively violent. Like I said earlier, I fought a lot in middle school and about a year ago I tried to join the military but they wouldn't take me because of psychosis.
-Being chronically sick. I've always gotten sick very very easily, most interestingly a few years ago I got strep throat 6 times in 6 months, within 3 days of the 18th of every month, without fail. More recently, I've had a bunch of very very strange physical symptoms although I am not sure if they are related to my medication or not.
-Having mental illness. As I mentioned earlier, I suffer from depression with psychotic features, severe general anxiety, and Autism spectrum disorder. I sicken myself by listing "having mental illness" as a symptom of demonic possession, but I do believe that it may be one because of Christian fundamentalists on the internet.
I always believe Christian conspiracy theorists and fundamentalists on the internet. I don't want to, I really really don't want to. This problem with their beliefs that I also believe for some reason started back a while ago when I was really sad and wanted someone to talk to and asked on a forum and a fundamentalist posted a link to a clip from Pat Robertson's show, where he was talking to a woman who had been abused as a child, tried to commit suicide as a teenager, and had supposedly had an NDE where she went to hell. I thought that was very very immoral if God would do that, and from then on I hated God. I thought God must be evil and only bad people get into heaven. I don't want to believe this. I also don't want to believe in the other stuff they've told me, like that the world is 6000 years old or that vaccines cause autism or that the world is flat. I don't want to believe any of it! But I do because I'm scared. But I refuse to save myself if other people will go to hell. I absolutely refuse. I will burn for all of eternity before I will worship an evil God.
Honestly I DO like the Catholic church and their theology, I really do. The problem is that the Catholic community is small where I live. No matter what church I tried to go to, I would run into someone who knew who I was or who I was related to. And then I'd be an outcast. I also tried going to a nondenominational church, although the problem there was that it was like one of those apocalyptic churches. I didn't like the preacher saying that we were living in the end times. And it was really loud there, and noise bothers me. They were nice people though.
I don't know really, I just need some help. I feel like I'm lost and I'm never going to find peace Please help? Oh and does it sound like I'm possessed by demons? I've had that fear for many years now.
I was born in 1996. My parents are of different religions, my mother is a more liberal Catholic, and my father is a deist. I was baptized into the Catholic faith when I was 3 years old. When I was 5, I started school at a Catholic school, and that's when all the trouble started. Over the next 9 years that I attended that school, I developed depression with psychotic features. I mean, it didn't get to the point of death threats until like 5th grade (at which point I told my parents about how much I was being bullied) but before that I was still a complete outcast. Anyway, I was bullied for a few things, mostly being a vegetarian, being autistic (although I didn't know it at the time, I was diagnosed quite late) and having a less juvenile sense of humor. The school administration refused to do anything about it, so I ended up getting into a lot of fights and causing a lot of trouble. After 8th grade I left that school, went to public school. I didn't think much of religion until winter of 2012, when I felt like I absolutely lost control of my life. During that time I became angry, resentful, and so depressed that I was suicidal (I was suicidal at one point when I was 12/13, but the feeling had subsided until I was 16) and I started to become obsessed with God, hell, demons, Satan, religion, all those kinds of things. I'm still that way now, and I'm not sure what to think, really. I have read the Bible cover to cover, and I know I believe in it (or at least internet fundamentalist interpretation of it) but I'm not sure if I can accept God or if I'm even deserving to be saved.
I have a few questions for Christians, the first one being about demonic possession.
A few nights ago I was reading a book, it listed a bunch of symptoms of demonic possession that it had gathered from a medieval book on occult. Nearly every one of them fit me. It concerns me because I've been communicating unwillingly with demons since I was about 9 years old. The biggest ones were:
-Trying to make a pact with the devil. I have honestly in the past few years attempted to summon the devil to make a pact with him, however him and the demons only appear in my dreams or when I'm just waking up, and I can't really make a pact then because I'm not thinking coherently.
-Blasphemy. I know that the forum rules say blasphemy won't be tolerated, but honestly I've hated God so so much for the past few years, and I've had no trouble telling people about it. I think it's wrong and immoral some of the things that God does or did (according to fundamentalist Christians, which I'll get to later)
-Embracing evil. I've also tried to join the Illuminati, and I hold neoconservative political views that would start wars.
-Being excessively violent. Like I said earlier, I fought a lot in middle school and about a year ago I tried to join the military but they wouldn't take me because of psychosis.
-Being chronically sick. I've always gotten sick very very easily, most interestingly a few years ago I got strep throat 6 times in 6 months, within 3 days of the 18th of every month, without fail. More recently, I've had a bunch of very very strange physical symptoms although I am not sure if they are related to my medication or not.
-Having mental illness. As I mentioned earlier, I suffer from depression with psychotic features, severe general anxiety, and Autism spectrum disorder. I sicken myself by listing "having mental illness" as a symptom of demonic possession, but I do believe that it may be one because of Christian fundamentalists on the internet.
I always believe Christian conspiracy theorists and fundamentalists on the internet. I don't want to, I really really don't want to. This problem with their beliefs that I also believe for some reason started back a while ago when I was really sad and wanted someone to talk to and asked on a forum and a fundamentalist posted a link to a clip from Pat Robertson's show, where he was talking to a woman who had been abused as a child, tried to commit suicide as a teenager, and had supposedly had an NDE where she went to hell. I thought that was very very immoral if God would do that, and from then on I hated God. I thought God must be evil and only bad people get into heaven. I don't want to believe this. I also don't want to believe in the other stuff they've told me, like that the world is 6000 years old or that vaccines cause autism or that the world is flat. I don't want to believe any of it! But I do because I'm scared. But I refuse to save myself if other people will go to hell. I absolutely refuse. I will burn for all of eternity before I will worship an evil God.
Honestly I DO like the Catholic church and their theology, I really do. The problem is that the Catholic community is small where I live. No matter what church I tried to go to, I would run into someone who knew who I was or who I was related to. And then I'd be an outcast. I also tried going to a nondenominational church, although the problem there was that it was like one of those apocalyptic churches. I didn't like the preacher saying that we were living in the end times. And it was really loud there, and noise bothers me. They were nice people though.
I don't know really, I just need some help. I feel like I'm lost and I'm never going to find peace Please help? Oh and does it sound like I'm possessed by demons? I've had that fear for many years now.