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Not sure what to do

Discussion in 'Exploring Christianity' started by GrindingLA, Aug 16, 2016.

  1. GrindingLA

    GrindingLA New Member

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    I hope this thread will at least be coherent, as I have trouble with that due to the several medications I'm on. So I'm exploring Christianity, I guess. Let's go all the way back:

    I was born in 1996. My parents are of different religions, my mother is a more liberal Catholic, and my father is a deist. I was baptized into the Catholic faith when I was 3 years old. When I was 5, I started school at a Catholic school, and that's when all the trouble started. Over the next 9 years that I attended that school, I developed depression with psychotic features. I mean, it didn't get to the point of death threats until like 5th grade (at which point I told my parents about how much I was being bullied) but before that I was still a complete outcast. Anyway, I was bullied for a few things, mostly being a vegetarian, being autistic (although I didn't know it at the time, I was diagnosed quite late) and having a less juvenile sense of humor. The school administration refused to do anything about it, so I ended up getting into a lot of fights and causing a lot of trouble. After 8th grade I left that school, went to public school. I didn't think much of religion until winter of 2012, when I felt like I absolutely lost control of my life. During that time I became angry, resentful, and so depressed that I was suicidal (I was suicidal at one point when I was 12/13, but the feeling had subsided until I was 16) and I started to become obsessed with God, hell, demons, Satan, religion, all those kinds of things. I'm still that way now, and I'm not sure what to think, really. I have read the Bible cover to cover, and I know I believe in it (or at least internet fundamentalist interpretation of it) but I'm not sure if I can accept God or if I'm even deserving to be saved.

    I have a few questions for Christians, the first one being about demonic possession.

    A few nights ago I was reading a book, it listed a bunch of symptoms of demonic possession that it had gathered from a medieval book on occult. Nearly every one of them fit me. It concerns me because I've been communicating unwillingly with demons since I was about 9 years old. The biggest ones were:

    -Trying to make a pact with the devil. I have honestly in the past few years attempted to summon the devil to make a pact with him, however him and the demons only appear in my dreams or when I'm just waking up, and I can't really make a pact then because I'm not thinking coherently.

    -Blasphemy. I know that the forum rules say blasphemy won't be tolerated, but honestly I've hated God so so much for the past few years, and I've had no trouble telling people about it. I think it's wrong and immoral some of the things that God does or did (according to fundamentalist Christians, which I'll get to later)

    -Embracing evil. I've also tried to join the Illuminati, and I hold neoconservative political views that would start wars.

    -Being excessively violent. Like I said earlier, I fought a lot in middle school and about a year ago I tried to join the military but they wouldn't take me because of psychosis.

    -Being chronically sick. I've always gotten sick very very easily, most interestingly a few years ago I got strep throat 6 times in 6 months, within 3 days of the 18th of every month, without fail. More recently, I've had a bunch of very very strange physical symptoms although I am not sure if they are related to my medication or not.

    -Having mental illness. As I mentioned earlier, I suffer from depression with psychotic features, severe general anxiety, and Autism spectrum disorder. I sicken myself by listing "having mental illness" as a symptom of demonic possession, but I do believe that it may be one because of Christian fundamentalists on the internet.

    I always believe Christian conspiracy theorists and fundamentalists on the internet. I don't want to, I really really don't want to. This problem with their beliefs that I also believe for some reason started back a while ago when I was really sad and wanted someone to talk to and asked on a forum and a fundamentalist posted a link to a clip from Pat Robertson's show, where he was talking to a woman who had been abused as a child, tried to commit suicide as a teenager, and had supposedly had an NDE where she went to hell. I thought that was very very immoral if God would do that, and from then on I hated God. I thought God must be evil and only bad people get into heaven. I don't want to believe this. I also don't want to believe in the other stuff they've told me, like that the world is 6000 years old or that vaccines cause autism or that the world is flat. I don't want to believe any of it! But I do because I'm scared. But I refuse to save myself if other people will go to hell. I absolutely refuse. I will burn for all of eternity before I will worship an evil God.

    Honestly I DO like the Catholic church and their theology, I really do. The problem is that the Catholic community is small where I live. No matter what church I tried to go to, I would run into someone who knew who I was or who I was related to. And then I'd be an outcast. I also tried going to a nondenominational church, although the problem there was that it was like one of those apocalyptic churches. I didn't like the preacher saying that we were living in the end times. And it was really loud there, and noise bothers me. They were nice people though.

    I don't know really, I just need some help. I feel like I'm lost and I'm never going to find peace :( Please help? Oh and does it sound like I'm possessed by demons? I've had that fear for many years now.
     
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  2. Archie the Preacher

    Archie the Preacher Apostle to the Intellectual Skeptics

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    Sounds like you are really boxed in. I have nothing right now, other than I feel a serious empathy for you.

    Well, okay, the obvious: Take your medications, be honest with your doctor and trust - as much as possible - your doctor. If you know certain things, sugar, caffeine, booze, turnip greens, whatever make you even 'crazier', avoid them.'

    Demonic possession. Sounds like you're screwed up enough. Satan doesn't have to have a demon in your head to distract you from God. There are a bunch of folks who are obsessed with demon possession. Which is nearly as counter productive as believing they don't exist at all. It is rare, but it can happen. Seriously, what's the difference in you between psychosis and demon possession? Not much as far as I can tell. But I'd do the doctor thing for now.

    Pray. Whatever you 'feel', understand God is not evil or harmful and He is on your side. See where you can get with that. Tell Him about it; yes, He knows already, but it does good to talk out a problem.

    Keep in touch. Don't run off and hide. That will not do any good. I will be praying for you.
     
  3. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    I don't know if you're demon-possessed. The deal with demon possession is that it can cause a number of such symptoms, but it doesn't always. Demons are malicious beings that have no issue with harming your mind and body. But I don't know that they are breaking you through possession, simple deception, or if they are just sitting back watching you destroy yourself. All three of these are possible.

    There was once a time when I believed destructive spiritual things against my will. I had to choose to believe what the Bible says instead. I believed what it had promised was impossible for me, but I had to take that leap of faith to accept the better news that it had. God was quite willing to help me, and to bring me to a strong, saving faith in him. He of course knew that I was willing to be his follower if I could be one. My prayer for you is that he delivers you from this destructive stuff in your head, from every spiritual evil about you, and from the extremes of your illnesses. Your illnesses may be playing into that and making it worse - are you in therapy?
     
  4. graceandpeace

    graceandpeace Episcopalian

    +555
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    Welcome to the forum, & I'm sorry to hear of your struggles.

    First, mental illness is a medical issue, not a spiritual one. Same goes for physical illness. If you're struggling with various ailments, these issues need to be addressed with a medical doctor. I would suggest focusing your energy on finding wellness for yourself before further exploring religion.

    Second, you recognize that fundamentalist versions of Christianity are toxic to your well-being. I agree with you. Media sources & some churches teach fundamentalist views - so I would suggest avoiding tv shows or websites that are causing you stress, as well as avoiding problematic churches.

    Third, I do think the Catholic Church is a better choice than non-denominational groups. However, if you can't find a local Catholic option that works, you may want to consider a traditional Lutheran (ELCA) or Episcopal Church. The services will have a similar ethos to the Catholic liturgy, & no fundamentalism.
     
  5. golgotha61

    golgotha61 World Christian in Progress Supporter

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    There is a program called Freedom in Christ that was developed by Dr. Neil T. Anderson that specifically addresses your demon concerns. The books that can be found at the link I gave detail methods that are used by Satan and his demons to enter doors that we have opened. Whether or not you are experiencing possession or oppression is beyond my ability to determine within this particular medium. The determination of which type of demon influence you are experiencing is not critical in being set free by Christ. He can and will set you free, no matter what the level of demon interaction that you are involved in.

    The first requirement is to accept Christ as your Savior and to give yourself to Him and Him alone. The books that are provided at the link, will explain the process of salvation to you and they will guide you through the process of being freed from Satan’s influence and that of his demons. I hope you find what you need through this program.
     
  6. Propianotuner

    Propianotuner Member

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    All of these concerns you have... did you tell Him? Have you experienced God? How well would you say that you understand what sin is and what the nature of the Gospel is?
     
  7. Myrtle Stics

    Myrtle Stics Member

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    The Lord will fix your troubles if you commit to the Church of the Latter Day Saints. Mormonism can fix your problems and put you on the path of faith.
    Committing to Mormonism is committing to Jesus.
     
  8. 1watchman

    1watchman Overseer Supporter

    +791
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    The real and lasting source of blessing, friend, is a personal relationship with the Savior: God's beloved Son ---Jesus, the Christ of God. We all need Him in our heart and stay in communion with Him always. Most religions just get caught up with rituals and various innovations not found in the Bible; and Satan will attack any sincere seeker to deceive and lead one astray. We don't need more religious ideas, but the Savior.

    One can read about Him and God's intention for His testimony in the Bible (i.e. a sound version like the KJV and NKJV; and find much help at the sound web site: biblecounsel.net
     
  9. Job8

    Job8 Senior Member

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    Since you are relatively new, first of all a sincere Welcome to you. Here are some points to consider:

    1. Since you have written this post, it is evidence that you are not writing under demonic influence.

    2. Demons are real but Christ is even more real, and so is the Holy Spirit. God has total authority over Satan and all his evil spirits and demons.

    3. God wants to set you free. Please read and study Matthew 8:28-34 and 17:14-21 (KJV).

    4. Believe that the Lord Jesus Christ died for your sins according to the Scriptures, and rose again for your justification according to the Scriptures (1 Cor 15:1-3).

    5. Receive Christ as your Lord and Savior today and He will set you free (Romans 10:4-14).
     
  10. Job8

    Job8 Senior Member

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    Since this is not a thread about any controversies, I will simply say that this is not good advice. Bible Christianity does not correspond to Mormonism.
     
  11. Rawtheran

    Rawtheran Soldier For Christ

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    This. And I'll even take it a step further and say Mormonism has nothing to do with Christianity, its a religion founded by a man who had a visitation from the demonic realm claiming to be God. I'm not being mean just stating a fact
     
  12. Daniel Marsh

    Daniel Marsh Well-Known Member

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    Review your medications with your doctor. Some have me talking to dead people. He got me off those onto something better for me. Now, I act and think normal.
     
  13. paul1149

    paul1149 that your faith might rest in the power of God Supporter

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    When we've been abused, and especially at a most vulnerable age, we are open to lasting impressions and distortions. It usually takes a reexamination of the problem in new light to be able to reframe it and redefine it to get the mastery over it.

    Consequently, we may be prey to lies concerning God's character - that He sends innocent people to hell, for instance; that He delights in wrath. These are all lies the enemy uses to keep people from knowledge of the truth which would set them free if they knew and understood.

    The God who sent His only-begotten Son to pay such a high price in satisfaction for our sins is one who delights in love and goodness, not wrath and punishment. That should be tautological.

    I prefer to frame the demon problem in terms of demonization rather than possession. Possession implies an inherent powerlessness and loss of will that borders on fatalism. But demonization allows for all degrees of influence, and implies the hope of healing and freedom. It's less conducive to the malignant, paralyzing kind of fear we need to avoid.

    Jesus is good, and God is love. The Bible says so. If you make those truths your lodestar, and determine to press through your negative experiences, you will come into a more accurate and more intimate relationship with the Lord, and the freedom that imparts.
     
  14. Greg J.

    Greg J. Well-Known Member Supporter

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    Hi GrindingLA, thanks for going into such detail. It makes it easier to avoid accidentally giving bad advice.

    Are you in therapy? Due to the level of conflict and the variety of conflict you are experiencing, you need the help of other people. When you find a church you like, ask the senior pastor to point you to people who have had mental illness and know God well. You should talk to one or more of them regularly about the things you are trying to deal with. Don't worry about imposing on them. It won't gobble up all their free time and it is part of their responsibility as Christians (if they have the capability of doing so). Lots of them might even want to be more involved than you want them to be. Meet with them at church—before or after the service they attend usually works well.

    Since your post is long and I tend to write long posts, I'm going to try to be concise. Feel free to purse any of it more completely with me (or anyone/everyone in a post).

    In your childhood you experienced both mental illness and abuse. Additionally I suspect the mental illness magnified the effects of the abuse. Being abused as a child is enough to destroy the next 40 years of some people's lives, so I just want to point out, that you have been harmed extremely badly. I think it is important that you recognize that none of that was your fault. Even if you triggered bad behavior in other people, their behavior is their responsibility, not yours—you don't control them.
    Stop reading books that go into detail about demons or how to deal with them. Definitely stop reading anything related to the occult. You're pouring gasoline on a fire that you trying to put out.
    Don't worry about this. Any dealings you have with Jesus Christ override all of this, however it is important to turn away from these things to the degree you can. It's worth fighting to do this.
    This is not unusual. I wouldn't worry about it. You are telling us about yourself, which can't be blasphemy. Blasphemy requires you assert things about God (untrue things or things with a bad attitude). Forum rules add to not attack people.
    Embracing evil is something you must turn away from, but I doubt you have been genuinely truly evil about anything. If so, God has forgiven you already.
    Given your childhood, this is not surprising. You need to fight the unction to be violent, though. There's usually classes available through community organizations as part of helping people learn to not let anger (or violence) override their judgment and self-discipline. This can be something your therapist helps you with, too.
    It takes devoted Christians years and years to be able to correctly identify when the source of anything is spiritual rather than mental or physical. Some people never learn, and that's fine, too, because it doesn't matter if you are devoted to Jesus. Being devoted to him means he will take care of you in every way, especially the things you don't have power over.
    I suggest you not worry about understanding this kind of stuff. After you have committed to following Jesus, keep seeking to know him better. For mental health issues, see a psychiatrist for meds and if he is not the therapy-type, a psychologist for therapy. For physical issues, see your regular doctor. Make sure you have doctors you like, then do what they tell you.
    I can understand the need to find things to keep you intellectually and socially active, but you need to look elsewhere. Stop watching/reading everything outside of mainstream Christianity. There are some excellent preachers on TV (who also write books). I'm not familiar with who is active these days, but based on old information, I can recommend Charles Stanley, his son, Andy Stanley, and have been helped a lot by Joyce Meyer and Kay Arthur. As above, you are pouring fuel on the fire you want to put out.
    If you want to really know what God is like, you have to believe Scripture, otherwise you never will. One of the most difficult things that many Christians must face is denying their own understanding and experiences whenever they are contrary to Scripture. Understanding Scripture well takes a while, but since it also draws one closer to the living person, Jesus Christ, it is one of the essential pursuits in being Christian. All of the places God is harsh is because people persisted in fueling their wicked and murderous hearts. At least once, he gave a community of people 400 years to stop their evil, and they never did. Eventually God has had enough and doesn't want them or their culture to continue on, otherwise descendants raised in their culture could move in next door to you (or other people).
    Every church is different, even within the same denomination. You should ask God to get you to the church he wants you to attend, and then keep trying different mainstream Christian churches. I recommend the church be part of a fellowship/denomination of churches, so that there is theological oversight for the senior pastor.
    Jesus said, Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30, 1984 NIV)

    and about God supplying what you need Jesus said, But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matthew 6:33, 1984 NIV)

    and, Then he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.” (Luke 8:48, 1984 NIV)

    The path toward faith that heals you is seeking to know the living person, Jesus Christ.

    It is not particularly relevant whether you are possessed by demons or not, because (1) Jesus will deal with that if needed through you seeking to know him, and (2) even people that aren't possessed are afflicted (sometimes severely) by the sorts of things you would attribute to demons. It is valid to think about those things (and all sickness) as being part of the natural consequences of people rejecting what God told us we need to do for happiness for thousands of years.
    __________
    I wouldn't say that about any church or group of humans. Committing to a church means you might get what the church and humans in that church can do for you. I want what Jesus can do for me, so that's who I choose to follow.

    (Not in response to Myrtle Stics) It is a sin to place anything higher than the living person, Jesus Christ/God in one's commitments and loyalties. Who or what a person is truly committed to will be demonstrated by one's actions. A person should examine their hearts to see whether she does what she does because of what Jesus wants, her church wants, or what she wants.
     
  15. orangeness365

    orangeness365 Well-Known Member

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    I've experienced psychosis and depression as well. If you haven't already, as everyone here is telling you to, go see a psychiatrist, psychologist, and doctor for help. It sounds like you are already on medication, but I don't know if they are antipsychotics or. not. I have to take a really high dose of an antipsychotic every day to stop hearing voices. It sounds like most of your life has been pretty miserable, between the autism, being bullied, and experiencing psychosis. I admit that sometimes I wonder if the voices I used to hear before being put on meds was demons or if it was just my mind going haywire. Honestly, I don't think looking to the medieval ages for help as a good idea. If I remember correctly, that was before the Bible was translated into the languages of the people reading them. I think for a very long time the Bible was misunderstood by people because it was in latin if I remember correctly. I personally see a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and my psychologist said it's very common for people that experience psychosis to worry about if they are going to hell. I know I still worry about it all of the time. It's good that you have read the Bible from cover to cover. I have done that too, but my memory of much of the old testament is fuzzy because I did that while I first starting hearing voices. In my personal opinion, we are all sinners (Romans 3:10) and none of us deserve to go to heaven, but God sent His son Jesus Christ to save us and die for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8). You can choose to accept or reject Jesus, and it is a choice you alone can make for yourself. I don't know how making a pact with the devil works. I don't think it is a good idea. Although I admit when I was a teenager I used to from the secrecy of my own home try to read the minds of schoolmates and imagine what they thought, because i was so unable to understand what other people actually thought. I was so obsessed with understanding why my experience at school sucked that I would waste huge chunks of time doing that. I don't know if that counts as witchcraft or just evidence that I was slowly slipping into psychosis. I can't help but wonder if that is why I eventually started hear voices, if I opened a channel by doing that. I know a lot of people that hear voices never did anything like this and still heard voices, but I can't help but feel like i probably deserved it. I'm fuzzy on my understanding of what blasphemy of the holy spirit is, but my personal interpretation is that it is attributing the miracles performed by the Holy Spirit to being done by the power of satan. The thing is, if someone turns from evil towards good, then the memory of the former is forgotten (Ezekiel 18:21-22). As far as the violence goes, you could pray for God to heal you of that, and should as has already been said get some therapy for that as well. I don't think your soul is possessed by demons if your physical health is bad. I think that perhaps demons can afflict your physical body, but that doesn't make you demon possessed. Eventually everyone dies, regardless of whether they are going to Heaven or not. I know I said I wonder if the voices I heard are demons or not personally, but I don't think mental illness is caused by demon possession. The thing you struggle with where you would rather go to hell than everybody else is reminiscent of Paul.

    Romans 9:1-5
    1I am speaking the truth in Christ—I am not lying; my conscience bears me witness in the Holy Spirit—2that I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. 3For I could wish that I myself were accursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers,a my kinsmen according to the flesh. 4They are Israelites, and to them belong the adoption, the glory, the covenants, the giving of the law, the worship, and the promises. 5To them belong the patriarchs, and from their race, according to the flesh, is the Christ, who is God over all, blessed forever. Amen.


    I think you should reread Romans 9 because it talks about wondering how can God find fault in people. yeah, you should avoid conspiracy theories, I have trouble with that too, but my psychologist warns me to avoid them. God is not evil, people are. It is only by grace that anyone is saved. Just remember that God wants to save everyone 2 Peter 3:9. I don't want to judge you, whether or not you are following demons, but just remember that everyone is either a slave to righteousness or sin Romans 6:17-18. If you want to find peace, find it in Jesus John 14:26-27.
     
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