What constitutes dating?

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I ask after just reading an article off-site about confirmed bachelors. They were writing about men who never married. I am a man who should never have married but did but now am a confirmed bachelor.

Some such men still date and while they say they've been upfront about not wanting a relationship many women still cling to the hope that over time and with loving treatment will decide marriage is a good idea. So is the man then stringing her along?

Personally I consider it a date when I pay for the meal, ticket, or whatever and I don't make it clear up front I am just looking for friends. If a woman wants to be my friend and we get together and each pay our way then I don't consider that dating. It's two friends hanging out. Sometimes though dating sites are the only place to make new friends. I make it clear in my profile that friends are all I want and for me at least that seems to have worked. If they take the time to read my profile then they usually pass on me unless they just want friends as well.

Sometimes men who don't settle on one woman but date are considered "players." Some no doubt are. I don't fit that category because I don't go out much, am upfront about my intentions, and treat them as friends so they'll never get more than a hug from me.

I think though in some Christian circles it is expected that single men and women should be seeking marriage unless they have the "call to singleness." That call though is usually interpreted to mean they are devoting themselves to ministry above and beyond what a married person would have the time for. It seems to preclude the possibility that some people are just not marriage material. Some consider that selfish but I'm not single to have more money, more freedom, or fear commitment. I just know I can't live with someone. I need my space, I'm not affectionate and don't care for intimacy. I am very introverted. I would be doing a woman a disservice to marry her. So I don't see what I do as dating.

 

[James of Arc]

According to Wikipedia.......

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating

 

[RobertMerton]

So why are you considering dating then?
You said you don't care for intimacy.
Are you familiar with the word 'asexual'?

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I am not dating. I hang out with women friends but they know up front it's not a date and I don't pay their way, kiss them good night, hold hands, etc.

I am very familiar with the term asexual. I would call myself a "functional asexual." I have not always been this way but some bad experiences perhaps combined with strong mood meds have turned me into a practical asexual. There was a time earlier in life where I was not this way at all. Unfortunately I can't even imaged it ever being different.

 

[com7fy8]

Some such men still date and while they say they've been upfront about not wanting a relationship many women still cling to the hope that over time and with loving treatment will decide marriage is a good idea. So is the man then stringing her along?

Each is different.

I have shared with a lady who I would say was a for-real Christian. I told her plainly that she was welcome to share with me, but I did not intend to marry her. And I said I would tell her, up front, if I was considering marrying her. We stayed with each other for a while; I think we were stringing each other along, but with strings attached to different things which eventually took us away from regularly sharing with each other > but she is a real Christian, I would say, and so we do still share in good ways, at times by e-mail; I think if you find a really Christian person, this person is your own family in Jesus; so even if you are not going to get married, I would think you would keep on sharing.

So, I am concerned with how ones can check someone out, realize he or she is a real Christian; but because the person does not want to get married, the one evaluating the person just lets the person go.

She was good for me, of how to be compassionate; so this was reason for me to spend time with her; I needed good example of being compassionate and hearing her tell me how she was ministering to people.

So . . . I would say evaluate if and how you and a lady are good for each other, to help one another get more real with God, gentle and humble like Jesus, and growing in how God has us relating in love with any and all people. If you have a real Jesus lady who is a good example for you, you can offer her that you want to love others as yourself by sharing her with others, and not keep her all for yourself

 

[RobertMerton]

Why do you hang out with women friends?

Apart from intimacy I don't see the difference between friends that are men and friends that are women.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Why do you hang out with women friends?

Apart from intimacy I don't see the difference between friends that are men and friends that are women.

There are far more differences between men and woman than out anatomy. Women and men have many differences and can make great friends and learn a lot from each other. I am not opposed to having male friends and do. Even marriage is about far more than intimacy.

 

[RobertMerton]

Do you mean that generally girls are more empathetic than guys?

What sort of things do you discuss with girls?

 

[com7fy8]

There are far more differences between men and woman than out anatomy.

The personality differences could be culturally induced. I have scripture for this > in Galatians 3:28, Paul says, "there is neither male nor female".

Have you read how Paul and Sylvanus and Timothy related with the Thessalonians? > 1 Thessalonians 2:7 and 1 Thessalonians 2:11 < they could in God's love have the best of how both a mother (female) and a father (male) relate. In God's love we have better than how culture has developed men and women to be different. We can have the best of how a mother relates and a father relates, I think

So, yes >

Women and men have many differences and can make great friends and learn a lot from each other.

And then, more and more, we all have the best of everything of love, I consider.

I am not opposed to having male friends and do.

gd

Even marriage is about far more than intimacy.

Sex is not love, certainly not intimacy . . . if even psychopaths and adulterers can have sex, I would say.

In marriage we can learn how to relate in love with someone while in a very close involvement . . . so then in love we can become intimate with each other, plus with others who are becoming deeply intimate in God's love. So, our cup runs over to our other relating. Plus, other people help us to grow and relate more intimately in our marriages.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Women and men are each individuals with individual traits, strengths, and weaknesses. So my women friends are each unique as are my male friends and so it's not so much males vs female as just benefiting from different people as friends. It's also actually easier to make women friends thanks to dating sites. I've found there are a lot of people who use dating sites to find friends but I'm not going to cruise the men on those sites looking for guys who just want friends. That usually leads to the wrong type of men. I discuss all the same types of things with women I do with guys. It just depends on what we have in common and like to discuss. I'm not looking for empathy or to ask for dating advice. Some are former girl friends that did not work out romantically but we've remained friends and still enjoy getting together from time to time. I don't see any downside to it.

 

[Goodbook]

I think theres two kinds of dating one where you hanging out with friends can be either sex
The other when its romantic, i think you have to be clear what your intentions are on this kind of date.

The romantic kind of date I suppose its when you discuss marriage and things like holding hands and maybe kissing happens. But married couples do this kind of dating even after they married. So as not to get the wrong idea thats why rings are given..engagement or otherwise.
A woman knows if a man is pursing or true to her if he does give her something like a ring to wear. Its also to show others thats shes taken. As far as I know the woman doesnt need to give the man anything.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

The personality differences could be culturally induced. I have scripture for this > in Galatians 3:28, Paul says, "there is neither male nor female".

In marriage we can learn how to relate in love with someone while in a very close involvement . . . so then in love we can become intimate with each other, plus with others who are becoming deeply intimate in God's love. So, our cup runs over to our other relating. Plus, other people help us to grow and relate more intimately in our marriages.

Amen assuming you are cutout for marriage. For some of us that much intimacy with one person is too much. We need our space. That kind of 24x7 intimacy is suffocating and stressful. That doesn't mean we can't be intimate in God's love but perhaps not in marriage.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

I think theres two kinds of dating one where you hanging out with friends can be either sex
The other when its romantic, i think you have to be clear what your intentions are on this kind of date.

The romantic kind of date I suppose its when you discuss marriage and things like holding hands and maybe kissing happens. But married couples do this kind of dating even after they married. So as not to get the wrong idea thats why rings are given..engagement or otherwise.
A woman knows if a man is pursing or true to her if he does give her something like a ring to wear. Its also to show others thats shes taken. As far as I know the woman doesnt need to give the man anything.

Personally I don't consider it dating if I am out with a woman strictly as a friend and I am not paying her way. That's just hanging out with a friend. It is understood upfront that I am not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship. Beyond a friendly hug there is no physical contact. No talk of marriage or romance. Just two friends hanging out so to me that is not a date.

 

[Goodbook]

Its going out. I dont call it dating either but its kinda the same, you make a date or appointment to meet someone at a certain time and you put it in your diary.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Its going out. I dont call it dating either but its kinda the same, you make a date or appointment to meet someone at a certain time and you put it in your diary.

I make the distinction because I've had people say "you shouldn't date unless you have an interest in getting married." Plus if "dating" was making an appointment to meet someone then you could be "dating" all kinds of people including family, friends, same-sex friends, etc.

 

[Goodbook]

Yeah theres playdates for children.

Well, dont listen to what people say what do they know about dating. If you never dated youd just never go out.

 

[Goodbook]

I call it going out actually. Its a better description.

 

[blackribbon]

I make the distinction because I've had people say "you shouldn't date unless you have an interest in getting married." Plus if "dating" was making an appointment to meet someone then you could be "dating" all kinds of people including family, friends, same-sex friends, etc.

I make dates w/ friends but that does not mean we are "dating". I'd say the same about an opposite sex friend that I was 'just friends' with. I think "dating" implies an on-going and usually exclusive relationship. I even can have "a date" with someone I am interested in but isn't established enough to say we are "dating".

I think there is nothing wrong with going on a single "date" even if you don't think you are looking at a long-term relationship...just use the date to clarify your intention, especially if you want to continue the friendship. Plan of paying the first time unless you have clarified beforehand. If she is making long-term plans before the first "date" to the point she feels "mislead", she has more problems than you want to deal with. I have gone on many first dates where I realized that I enjoy the man's company but most likely am not interested in turning it into a relationship.

 

[NotUrAvgGuy]

Yeah theres playdates for children.

Well, dont listen to what people say what do they know about dating. If you never dated youd just never go out.

I don't go out much but when I feel like getting out I just do so alone. I'll go to movies, dinner, concerts, etc, alone. Sometimes just being around people even without interacting with them does the trick.

 

[Goodbook]

maybe call the other kind of dating courting.

I don't really go out to movies, dinner, and concerts alone but I go shopping alone and other things. I do go to church community dinner alone and then usually theres someone there to talk to or give a ride home.