Marrying a Non-Christian Woman

[blackribbon]

The young lady is open to learning and willing to marry in a Christian church, with a Christian service. She is at the start of her journey, not the end.

I hope she encounters people who welcome her with open arms. And that she does not ever read this thread; the impression given of our faith in some parts is not the most edifying.

He asked about the children and I answered honestly. We should NEVER marry someone hoping that they will change into someone differently than they are .... spouses are not "fixer up projects". My advice is solid. We don't let children decide whether or not they learn to read...we teach them to read. If you want you children to have a faith as they grow up, you have to teach and model it. This woman is not Christian. She can't model it or teach it. She may be a very lovely person but she isn't a Christian. If she is lovely and delightful, the kids are likely to follow her beliefs because they love their mom....unless dad is planning on being the primary caregiver or an outside source is going to be the primary caregiver (then I'd look to see what the nanny/babysitter/daycare teacher's belief is because that will be the religion that is modeled).

Agreeing to be married in a Christian church with a Christian service means nothing....because the place is not sacred to her nor are the vows. It is a building and it is just words. She isn't at the beginning of her journey unless she is seeking the Christian God. He hasn't said that she is interested in becoming a Christian...only that she is open to learning about Christianity which is very Buddist...wanting to learn for the sake of learning. One day she may or may not become a Christian, but is he comfortable with her never becoming a Christian? which means when he/she dies one day, they will be eternally separated. Let her come to Christ before he marries her....not marry her and hope for the best because his "best" may not be the one she chooses.

This is not judgmental but rather very pragmatic and practical marriage advice.

 

[jimmyjimmy]

He asked about the children and I answered honestly. We should NEVER marry someone hoping that they will change into someone differently than they are .... spouses are not "fixer up projects". My advice is solid. We don't let children decide whether or not they learn to read...we teach them to read. If you want you children to have a faith as they grow up, you have to teach and model it. This woman is not Christian. She can't model it or teach it. She may be a very lovely person but she isn't a Christian. If she is lovely and delightful, the kids are likely to follow her beliefs because they love their mom....unless dad is planning on being the primary caregiver or an outside source is going to be the primary caregiver (then I'd look to see what the nanny/babysitter/daycare teacher's belief is because that will be the religion that is modeled).

Agreeing to be married in a Christian church with a Christian service means nothing....because the place is not sacred to her nor are the vows. It is a building and it is just words. She isn't at the beginning of her journey unless she is seeking the Christian God. He hasn't said that she is interested in becoming a Christian...only that she is open to learning about Christianity which is very Buddist...wanting to learn for the sake of learning. One day she may or may not become a Christian, but is he comfortable with her never becoming a Christian? which means when he/she dies one day, they will be eternally separated. Let her come to Christ before he marries her....not marry her and hope for the best because his "best" may not be the one she chooses.

This is not judgmental but rather very pragmatic and practical marriage advice.

Very well said, and indeed, great advice.

 

[DawnStar]

I grew up in a mixed household. my mom was the believer and my dad was not. He did not oppose, but he also did nothing to support it. that also ment that we could not be outwardly observant. no prayers at meal time, no religious discussions, etc.
he didn't come to church with us, so often he didn't get to hear me sing in the choir.
I missed having him there!
I missed having grace at the table.
and no bedtime prayers either!
All of the things that he could have supported and didn't, that other Christian families had and we didn't, were missed.

It was like i could be a Christian at church for a couple of hours a week.
but all the rest of the time I couldn't be one at home.
this is what it's like to grow up in a mixed marriage!

as for children of a mixed marriage, the statistics say that if the mother is a church goer but the father is not, only 1 in 3 children from that family will be a Christian and practice their religion when they are an adult.
If the father is a Christian and the mother is not,
then 2 out of 3 of the children will also be Christians as aduts.
All this assumes that the children are brought up from early childhood in their religion.

Statistically the best age for a child to receive and retain their Christian identity and practice it into adulthood is at the tender age of 6-8 years old.
So waiting until the age of reason to educate a child in the ways of a Christian, or letting them make their own decision
is waiting too late.
By that age they've already become used to not being Christian, so there is little if any chance that
they would make such a change until much later in their adult life when they are out from under the influence of their parents, if then.
and by that time there is usually a lot of bad water that has flowed under the bridge of their life.

one last thing. the Christian family that we were closest to were our neighbors and they were Catholic. They practiced their religion at home as well as at church and at school. I admired them for their dedication, but i was too afraid of my parents and their influence to say anything about it at home. It took me 50 years, but I finally took the plunge, followed my heart, and became a Catholic.

And for every story like this I can show you one where the children grew up in a fundamentalist or evangelical household and left the faith because they grew up in fear and their parents figuratively choked the life out of them. You cannot make a blanket statement about marriages between a believer and non-believer. Each marriage is different and depends on cooperation between the husband and wife.
I have already stated before that my parents have been happily married 34 years. My dad knew my mom was an non-believer when he married her. We went to church. We participated in the church functions. My mom did not get upset if we prayed at the dinner table. My dad did not force his belief on her nor did he demand compliance. You know why this worked? My parents LOVE and RESPECT each other.
I am a Christian. My sister is not. She is a deist. However as I have stated before having parents that are both believers definitely does not guarantee that all of the children from that marriage will be.

 

[Unmedicated]

And for every story like this I can show you one where the children grew up in a fundamentalist or evangelical household and left the faith because they grew up in fear and their parents figuratively choked the life out of them. You cannot make a blanket statement about marriages between a believer and non-believer. Each marriage is different and depends on cooperation between the husband and wife.
I have already stated before that my parents have been happily married 34 years. My dad knew my mom was an non-believer when he married her. We went to church. We participated in the church functions. My mom did not get upset if we prayed at the dinner table. My dad did not force his belief on her nor did he demand compliance. You know why this worked? My parents LOVE and RESPECT each other.
I am a Christian. My sister is not. She is a deist. However as I have stated before having parents that are both believers definitely does not guarantee that all of the children from that marriage will be.

Exactly. My uncle and aunt were hardcore hell, fire, and damnation people. My uncle being a reverend at a church. He forced his children. They grew up hating Christianity because it was viewed to them as a kind of bondage. They were smoking pot in the bathroom at the church.

I was the same way. I abandoned Christianity and lived quite the opposite lifestyle and despised Christianity when I was a teenager to vent my frustration, hatred, and loneliness I felt, especially when I seen how hypocritical and judgemental people were at the church. It was by the absolute grace of the good Lord above that I survived alcohol poisoning, that I am here and back.

My children will be raised in a very tolerant home and they will hear the truth about Jesus Christ, absolutely, but I will never force my children into church or baptism or anything of that nature. I'd rather live the best I can and show them compassion and understanding.

I'd rather my fiancee be a tolerant and understanding Buddhist that supports me than an intolerant bigot who rules the children with an iron fist. Children do rebel, you know.

 

[DawnStar]

Exactly. My uncle and aunt were hardcore hell, fire, and damnation people. My uncle being a reverend at a church. He forced his children. They grew up hating Christianity because it was viewed to them as a kind of bondage. They were smoking pot in the bathroom at the church.

I was the same way. I abandoned Christianity and lived quite the opposite lifestyle and despised Christianity when I was a teenager to vent my frustration, hatred, and loneliness I felt, especially when I seen how hypocritical and judgemental people were at the church. It was by the absolute grace of the good Lord above that I survived alcohol poisoning, that I am here and back.

My children will be raised in a very tolerant home and they will hear the truth about Jesus Christ, absolutely, but I will never force my children into church or baptism or anything of that nature. I'd rather live the best I can and show them compassion and understanding.

I'd rather my fiancee be a tolerant and understanding Buddhist that supports me than an intolerant bigot who rules the children with an iron fist. Children do rebel, you know.

Excellent post. You will never get the legalists to understand it though. Most people will not understand it unless they have lived it.

 

[Norbert L]

Hello.

My finacee is a Buddhist and is very open minded about my Christian faith. I really love this woman a lot. I can't help who I fall in love with.

Any advice or thoughts?

Thanks and God bless.

I think you'd have to deal with the reality of the situation, there will be stories of success and stories of failure of those Christians who marry non-christians. You don't know the outcome and the future repercussions of this choice. Also the 'falling in love' with someone is no evidence of how these choices will affect your future. People fall in love and later get divorced.

You can't help who you fall in love with but you do have the choice between marrying them and not becoming married to them.

I would consider Matthew 12:48-50 in this choice. Who is your wife?

 

[Victor E.]

Exactly. My uncle and aunt were hardcore hell, fire, and damnation people. My uncle being a reverend at a church. He forced his children. They grew up hating Christianity because it was viewed to them as a kind of bondage. They were smoking pot in the bathroom at the church.

I was the same way. I abandoned Christianity and lived quite the opposite lifestyle and despised Christianity when I was a teenager to vent my frustration, hatred, and loneliness I felt, especially when I seen how hypocritical and judgemental people were at the church. It was by the absolute grace of the good Lord above that I survived alcohol poisoning, that I am here and back.

My children will be raised in a very tolerant home and they will hear the truth about Jesus Christ, absolutely, but I will never force my children into church or baptism or anything of that nature. I'd rather live the best I can and show them compassion and understanding.

I'd rather my fiancee be a tolerant and understanding Buddhist that supports me than an intolerant bigot who rules the children with an iron fist. Children do rebel, you know.

I would even go so far as to say that it may be safer to instruct in a man's own family under the parents guidance and use church as an option for communion. Many children do so unwillingly and it leads them to resent the faith and they may turn away completely when they reach adulthood and see what the world has to offer and they may never come back. All the rules and regulations are not part of the freedom found in Christ save for the guidance of Gods Word, Holy Spirit, and instruction of the parents while they are raising their child.

My Spirit feels a little agitated when I see this happening over and over. It talks about instruction for Christian Living in Gods Word but I feel many times it is ignored, to their loss. The other grief is the divorce rate. Speaking from personal experience, too much coddling and sheltering from the world without parental guidance and supervision in exposure, can be absolutely devastating in many ways to a child when they see the world for what it is. This is just my opinion, I'm not married so take this with a grain of salt. I was this child.

 

[DawnStar]

Speaking from personal experience, too much coddling and sheltering from the world without parental guidance and supervision in exposure, can be absolutely devastating in many ways to a child when they see the world for what it is.

Agreed. Many home schooled kids are so sheltered that when they see the world for what it really is it can be devastating to them. Mentally and physically. I have personally seen this happen.
My dad refused to put us in a private school or home school us. He felt like the best way to learn to deal with that world was to grow up in it. It got rough at times but under his and my moms love and guidance we came out the better for it.

 

[DawnStar]

You don't know the outcome and the future repercussions of this choice.

No one knows the outcome regardless of whether they are believers or non-believers. There are NO earthly guarantees in this life.
Faith and hope and love get us through. And a healthy dose of God's wonderful grace.

 

[W2L]

The Logos of God is Christ himself. He is the Word of God, not a book.



None of that says the Bible or any Scripture is equal in authority to God. As stated above the Word of God is Christ.

John 1:1

Here it is again; the Holy Trinity does NOT comprise God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Scriptures. Elevating the Scriptures to equality with God is unScriptural and is forbidden by the first commandment. It is Islamic behaviour, rather than Christian, and it is Bibliolatry.

Putting it another way God does not answer to Scripture. His authority is absolute, and not constrained by anyone or anything other than his own self.

We seem to have gone a long way off track. The relevance of this is that when Christians bring along selected verses to use as weapons against other people, to condemn them or make them feel spiritually inferior, then Scripture is being misused.

Of course GOd does not answer to Scripture, that's absurd. God does not answer to himself, that makes no sense. He is truth and will never need to answer to himself

 

[Catherineanne]

He asked about the children and I answered honestly. We should NEVER marry someone hoping that they will change into someone differently than they are .... spouses are not "fixer up projects". My advice is solid. We don't let children decide whether or not they learn to read...we teach them to read. If you want you children to have a faith as they grow up, you have to teach and model it. This woman is not Christian. She can't model it or teach it. She may be a very lovely person but she isn't a Christian. If she is lovely and delightful, the kids are likely to follow her beliefs because they love their mom....unless dad is planning on being the primary caregiver or an outside source is going to be the primary caregiver (then I'd look to see what the nanny/babysitter/daycare teacher's belief is because that will be the religion that is modeled).

Agreeing to be married in a Christian church with a Christian service means nothing....because the place is not sacred to her nor are the vows. It is a building and it is just words. She isn't at the beginning of her journey unless she is seeking the Christian God. He hasn't said that she is interested in becoming a Christian...only that she is open to learning about Christianity which is very Buddist...wanting to learn for the sake of learning. One day she may or may not become a Christian, but is he comfortable with her never becoming a Christian? which means when he/she dies one day, they will be eternally separated. Let her come to Christ before he marries her....not marry her and hope for the best because his "best" may not be the one she chooses.

This is not judgmental but rather very pragmatic and practical marriage advice.

Yeah, it is.

Why do you think that a Buddhist would not take marriage vows seriously, or regard them as sacred? Why do you think she would regard them as 'just words.'

Those comments are indeed judgmental, not to mention plain wrong.

 

[Catherineanne]

Of course GOd does not answer to Scripture, that's absurd. God does not answer to himself, that makes no sense. He is truth and will never need to answer to himself

The Bible is not God.

What part of that is not clear?

 

[W2L]

The Bible is not God.

What part of that is not clear?

OK, you can believe what you wish, it matters not to me. I never said the bible was God, I said his word is part of him. You argument is a fallacy. However, I respect that we will have disagreements and so i'll let it go.

I find much of God in the things I read in scripture. It a huge part of my worship of Him. Where two or three are gathered in His name, He is there.

 

[DawnStar]

Yeah, it is.

Why do you think that a Buddhist would not take marriage vows seriously, or regard them as sacred? Why do you think she would regard them as 'just words.'

Those comments are indeed judgmental, not to mention plain wrong.

I have not looked into it but I am willing to bet that the divorce rate among Buddhists is a lot lower than that of Christians.

 

[blackribbon]

Yeah, it is.

Why do you think that a Buddhist would not take marriage vows seriously, or regard them as sacred? Why do you think she would regard them as 'just words.'

Those comments are indeed judgmental, not to mention plain wrong.

I said the Christian part of the ceremony is just words and not sacred to a non-Christian....I did not say the marriage vows weren't. A church is just a building to someone who doesn't recognize the Christian God as God...just like I'd consider a Buddhist temple to just be a building because I don't recognize Buddha as a god. Any vow I made to Buddha wouldn't mean anything to me.

 

[blackribbon]

I have not looked into it but I am willing to bet that the divorce rate among Buddhists is a lot lower than that of Christians.

I think I would probably agree...but I doubt that many Buddhist's raise children who believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven.

 

[DawnStar]

I think I would probably agree...but I doubt that many Buddhist's raise children who believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven.

The issue in this case is whether or not a Buddhist wife would believe in a lifetime marriage commitment. Given a lower divorce rate among Buddhists I say she would.
In addition the OP stated that

My children will be raised in a very tolerant home and they will hear the truth about Jesus Christ.

It honestly sound to me like many of you do not give a hoot about whether or not believers get divorced as long as their children get saved. Divorces can be devastating and lead to a child's disbelief in God.

 

[blackribbon]

The issue in this case is whether or not a Buddhist wife would believe in a lifetime marriage commitment. Given a lower divorce rate among Buddhists I say she would.
In addition the OP stated that

It honestly sound to me like many of you do not give a hoot about whether or not believers get divorced as long as their children get saved. Divorces can be devastating and lead to a child's disbelief in God.

The purpose of this post was concerning any potential children. That is the only point I addressed so that I stayed on topic.

And yes, I DO care about believers getting divorced but that question wasn't the topic of this thread...but if you ask, I think it is because Christians seem to think it is okay to marry people whose basic belief system differs in significant ways from their spouse ... even if they are both Christian. If they both are committed to "no divorce" and recognizing that the purpose of marriage is to serve the other, then I doubt that divorce will be an issue. But again, that is NOT the topic of this thread...nor is divorce rates in other religions. This is two people marrying with very different beliefs in who God is and what role He plays in their marriage and family life.

 

[pdudgeon]

While I think this is correct (from Scripture),
I have noticed in thousands of churches (literally) all across the usa, canada, mexico and around the world
very few people practice this. (whether they believe it or not).
In fact, very few people (worldwide, percentagewise anywhere)
think God's Word is even worth reading,
and from 'appearances' at least not very many 'Christians' bother to read it to know and do what Jesus says to do.
Disobedience is much much much more widespread than obedience to the Creator Himself.

it's a sign of the times, not of the value of scripture.

 

[pdudgeon]

The issue in this case is whether or not a Buddhist wife would believe in a lifetime marriage commitment. Given a lower divorce rate among Buddhists I say she would.
In addition the OP stated that

It honestly sound to me like many of you do not give a hoot about whether or not believers get divorced as long as their children get saved. Divorces can be devastating and lead to a child's disbelief in God.

no, you're interpreting that wrongly.
people do care about divorce, which is why they are against marrying an unequally yoked partner in the first place.
the chances are better for a marriage to stay together if both partners are puling in the same direction.
that's being equally yoked.

being unequally yoked is two people with different ideas and different values trying to make a go of a marriage.
the less you have in common with each other, the more dificult the marriage will be.