OK ladies; what's with the epidemic of choosing "bad boys"?

[miss-a]

And a woman 30 or over had a much higher chance of producing a child with down's syndrome. Didn't stop most of my ancestors from producing healthy children well into their 60's, 70's, and even 80's.

And sorry, but I'm not going to allow someone who spent their teens, twenties, and even thirties being a morally bankrupt, diseased party girl. Then, when they had decided that their looks were shot and could no longer attract the "pretty boys" or "bad boys, they wanted a "good man" to take care of them. I refuse to accept the dregs.

I don't think any of us are asking you to marry one. (There are guys with certain pasts that I might not want to marry.) What we want is for you to question if your opinion/labeling of them is matching up with Jesus' opinion and labeling of them?

 

[redblue22]

this thread makes my heart ache.

 

[Travelers.Soul]

This is kind of a blind post....

I've seen this same pattern happen multiple times to female friends of mine; they are inexplicably attracted to men that are bad for them. It's maddening to see them go for guys that end up just using them for physical pleasure and sometimes a punching bag and leaving them with a couple of kids, an STD, and basically used up.

I am not sure what attracts women to those sorts of guys (or men to manipulative bad girls). Maybe it's because they had an absentee Dad or an abusive one. Perhaps they believe they don't deserve any better. Maybe they are blind and believe things will be different or something. I don't know. I personally was never attracted to the bad boy persona so I can't speak from personal knowledge or experience.

 

[Owlette]

And I am a woman who has never been attracted to the "bad boy"...no thank you! It is too much work. I don't want to always be forced into the role of being the "voice of reason" and never get to have any fun or be any fun because someone in the relationship has to be The Grown-up. I want to be with a "grown up" who realizes that life does have consequences and that we alternate and share making the hard decisions that life requires to have a good life...so we can both let our hair down and have a good time when it is safe and appropriate to do so.

This is what I was thinking... Dating a "bad boy" takes a tremendous amount of effort. It is emotionally exhausting. One-sided. I'd rather stay single.

 

[William67]

I don't think any of us are asking you to marry one. (There are guys with certain pasts that I might not want to marry.) What we want is for you to question if your opinion/labeling of them is matching up with Jesus' opinion and labeling of them?

I am not judging their sins, just their worthiness to be my wife. And Christ condemned fornicators. And just because someone has repented of their sins, doesn't change the fact that they sinned. I believe that if youre a virgin, you have a right to marry another virgin, supposing you can find one. If you aren't a virgin, you have no right to "demand" that a woman be a virgin.

And lets face facts. If your "spouse" has had multiple partners in the past, the fact is that you are, as Pink Floyd says, "just another brick in the wall".

 

[Anouk1985]

Women like to feel wanted. A bad guy usually thrives on his desires. An emotional woman who needs to feel wanted will look over his character. Most of the times, unless she is just looking for "a good time", the woman think she can see his good essence, his need of rescue; that makes her feel safe and deluded enough to give the next step. She sacrifices her values so he can feel closer to her and then they can grow together. I see my female friends doing this all the time and their speech is always the same. However, in your case, I can only imagine how your friend must be feeling after being cheated on. Her self-worth needs calibration. That's why bad boys get so many girls.
I speak as an observer, but maybe it can add something to your reflections.
Any good man who looses a girl because of a bad boy should be thankful. He has just got rid of a woman who needs to grow alone before get into a relationship.
The need of being wanted is normal. People shouldn't forget to fulfill that inside respectful interactions too.

(Please forgive my English. It's my second language and I don't practice as often as I should. Thank you.)

 

[Toro]

(Please forgive my English. It's my second language and I don't practice as often as I should. Thank you.)

You did great. Welcome to the forum.


I however feel shame.... that moment when someone whose first language isn't even English, types it infinitely better than I do.

 

[EyesOfKohl]

I think the real question is 'Guys, why are you attracted to bad girls?'

Really, there are just as many bad girls out there as there are bad guys - most of them go hand and hand

It seems to be single guys seem to be attracted to the bad girls who are dating these bad guys and it seems to hit them hard that they are missing out on something.

While the nice girls seem to go unnoticed.

 

[redblue22]

"used up," what a wonderful phrase in judging and looking down on a girl. I set out a money cat just in case.

and yes, I am from another planet.

 

[WretchedGoat]

I always wanted to meet a nice girl, but nice girls are generally sitting at home, reading a good book with their cat on their lap. Good girls don't go to the places where I could meet them, so I always missed them. I had my share of bad girls, and they aren't as much fun as they seem like. They have their moments, but they also somehow manage to stuff 10 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound sack.

I'll just stay single. It's so much easier.

 

[Owlette]

Women like to feel wanted. A bad guy usually thrives on his desires. An emotional woman who needs to feel wanted will look over his character. Most of the times, unless she is just looking for "a good time", the woman think she can see his good essence, his need of rescue; that makes her feel safe and deluded enough to give the next step. She sacrifices her values so he can feel closer to her and then they can grow together. I see my female friends doing this all the time and their speech is always the same. However, in your case, I can only imagine how your friend must be feeling after being cheated on. Her self-worth needs calibration. That's why bad boys get so many girls.
I speak as an observer, but maybe it can add something to your reflections.
Any good man who looses a girl because of a bad boy should be thankful. He has just got rid of a woman who needs to grow alone before get into a relationship.
The need of being wanted is normal. People shouldn't forget to fulfill that inside respectful interactions too.

(Please forgive my English. It's my second language and I don't practice as often as I should. Thank you.)

Great post!! Brilliant.

 

[Toro]

I always wanted to meet a nice girl, but nice girls are generally sitting at home, reading a good book with their cat on their lap. Good girls don't go to the places where I could meet them, so I always missed them. I had my share of bad girls, and they aren't as much fun as they seem like. They have their moments, but they also somehow manage to stuff 10 pounds of crazy in a 5 pound sack.

I'll just stay single. It's so much easier.

Hang out at the pet store in the cat food section...... cats gotta eat too. See you there, cause I think Im about a step or two away from doing it myself.

 

[redblue22]

If you don't want a girl, why do you have to talk trash about her? If I was out with a girl and she trash talked most other guys, I would probably cut the night short. But let's say I fall for a girl who you see as trash. What do you think I'm going to do if you start in against her?

I would rather have a serious sinner new to the faith, than one who has been superior christian a long time but it is all a load of garbage. That shows just the kind of person she is.

 

[redblue22]

Looking down on others is the way of the world. Everyone expects another jerk superior christian. That is another brick in the wall. At least a new christian might have a missions and evangelist heart. I'm sure the unsaved are quite familiar with the program of wanting the best for yourself and looking down on all others.

 

[Sir Robbins]

there's a difference between being a bad boy and being an a hole. Most girls I see can't tell the difference but us guys can and when we point it out, they assume we are just jealous. Look how the guy treats other men or his mother. Key indicator there

 

[Gnarwhal]

Women like to feel wanted. A bad guy usually thrives on his desires. An emotional woman who needs to feel wanted will look over his character. Most of the times, unless she is just looking for "a good time", the woman think she can see his good essence, his need of rescue; that makes her feel safe and deluded enough to give the next step. She sacrifices her values so he can feel closer to her and then they can grow together. I see my female friends doing this all the time and their speech is always the same. However, in your case, I can only imagine how your friend must be feeling after being cheated on. Her self-worth needs calibration. That's why bad boys get so many girls.
I speak as an observer, but maybe it can add something to your reflections.
Any good man who looses a girl because of a bad boy should be thankful. He has just got rid of a woman who needs to grow alone before get into a relationship.
The need of being wanted is normal. People shouldn't forget to fulfill that inside respectful interactions too.

(Please forgive my English. It's my second language and I don't practice as often as I should. Thank you.)

I think this is pretty accurate.

My ex dated a 'bad boy' in high school. They were both attending a private Christian school and yet this guy was using Norco and dealing cocaine. It's hard to explain why she ever dated him other than it was a double portion of naïveté with a pinch of 'rescue' mentality. She thought maybe she could influence him out of his lifestyle, and he continued to manipulate her until the relationship was far past the expiration date.

She ended up leaving me for a bad boy, a player. Maybe I was too much of a rule-following goodie-two-shoes. Anyway, they lasted three months, then she reunited with a guy she dated before me (not the druggie) and now they're married - but he's still an individual of questionable character.

 

[timewerx]

Yes, I know that I am asking an unanswerable question and will likely paint with an unfairly broad brush that will offend some here; but I will do my best to simply vent my frustrations and not impugn the character or sensibilities of the ladies here.

I know a woman with whom I went to high school with. She has/had a successful career in the medical field. Her husband of 22 years was also successful in the same field. They had a beautiful home, two older children that were normal, nice stuff, etc, etc. Living the American Dream.

Then her husband starts getting a mid-life crisis. Starts drinking heavily and ends up cheating on her with a co-worker and decides to leave her. She immediately files for divorce, throws him out of the house and gets a good lawyer. Then she calls me and asks for advice since I had also gone through a divorce in which my spouse cheated on me.

We texted and talked nearly constantly for weeks. We met for coffee and I told her that one of her first instincts would be to go out and party and try to find comfort in either a bottle or a bed and that both things would be harmful to her mentally, physically, and spiritually. I encouraged her to start going to church again and invited her to mine. She declined.

I started noticing on her FB account that she was going out with the girls from work and partying. Then she started getting a lot of new FB friends that were male. Our texts and calls dwindled and stopped. I saw the path she was taking and removed myself from the impending train wreck. This was over a year ago.

I was speaking to a mutual friend the other day and she told me that our friend had indeed hooked up with a guy that was not particularly good-looking or in good shape, but was "rough". Lots of tattoos, worked as a logger, drove a big lifted pickup, heavy drinker, lived in a trailer, had a couple of kids with different women, etc.

I also found out that my friend had isolated herself from her family after they wouldn't give her money(they wanted to go over her bills with her and help get everything caught up and she refused), got fired from her job, traded in her Honda Accord for a Hummer, and had gotten a couple of new tattoos...

I've seen this same pattern happen multiple times to female friends of mine; they are inexplicably attracted to men that are bad for them. It's maddening to see them go for guys that end up just using them for physical pleasure and sometimes a punching bag and leaving them with a couple of kids, an STD, and basically used up.

Okay, rant off...

Any ladies want to explain why so many of you choose this??

The devil is hard at work, all I can say..

People are destroyed for lack of knowledge, it's in the Bible.

 

[Tom Mix]

Looking back in life and I think about the women who chose "bad boys" and the women who chose "smart" I now realize that the women who chose "bad boys" are kind of harlot hoes in retrospect and not women I want anyway.

 

[CCHIPSS]

I think this is pretty accurate.

My ex dated a 'bad boy' in high school. They were both attending a private Christian school and yet this guy was using Norco and dealing cocaine. It's hard to explain why she ever dated him other than it was a double portion of naïveté with a pinch of 'rescue' mentality. She thought maybe she could influence him out of his lifestyle, and he continued to manipulate her until the relationship was far past the expiration date.

She ended up leaving me for a bad boy, a player. Maybe I was too much of a rule-following goodie-two-shoes. Anyway, they lasted three months, then she reunited with a guy she dated before me (not the druggie) and now they're married - but he's still an individual of questionable character.

This is the first time I hear the full story of you and your ex-wife. And it is a sad one. I remember you said before that the divorce wasn't anyone's fault. You two just wasn't compatible. But from what you just said, it is mostly her fault.

When she wants to influence a bad boy out of his bad self, she wasn't doing this because she cared about him. She wants to do it to prove to herself that she is valuable. If a bad boy is willing to change for her, she must be worth a lot to him.

She wasn't looking for a good husband. She was looking for that thrill of changing someone. And all the pain and suffering she faces are stuff she can complain and gossip to her friends about. She doesn't want a good marriage. She wants a drama filled marriage just like the TV shows.

So perhaps it is better that you are separated for her. But most importantly I wonder how Christian men can avoid marrying someone like her. Any tips? Did she gave off any hints of her true self when you two were dating?

 

[Gnarwhal]

This is the first time I hear the full story of you and your ex-wife. And it is a sad one. I remember you said before that the divorce wasn't anyone's fault. You two just wasn't compatible. But from what you just said, it is mostly her fault.

When she wants to influence a bad boy out of his bad self, she wasn't doing this because she cared about him. She wants to do it to prove to herself that she is valuable. If a bad boy is willing to change for her, she must be worth a lot to him.

She wasn't looking for a good husband. She was looking for that thrill of changing someone. And all the pain and suffering she faces are stuff she can complain and gossip to her friends about. She doesn't want a good marriage. She wants a drama filled marriage just like the TV shows.

So perhaps it is better that you are separated for her. But most importantly I wonder how Christian men can avoid marrying someone like her. Any tips? Did she gave off any hints of her true self when you two were dating?

I won't deny my role in things, it takes two to tango after all. I became increasingly isolated and distant, I hated spending time with her family (which personally I think is justified, but this was a specific case). Ultimately I just wasn't truly the person she wants, and the way our faith evolved, mine took a different path than hers. She wanted someone whose faith was charismatic, expressed through jumping, clapping, hooting and hollering, speaking in tongues, defined very emotionally and relationally etc. That's not how I've ever been wired, I'm wired for the reverent dignity of the Catholic Mass, and she couldn't abide that.

Where I went wrong is I decided in my head that I wanted to marry her way too early. We hadn't even dated two months when I popped the question. The best piece of advice I can give is one of common sense: date for a long time. Minimum two years if possible. Only then will you have a reasonably accurate portrait of the person you intend to marry.

In my case, it wasn't so much that she hid herself as I wasn't allowing myself to be myself. You can look this up to, but my personality type inherently reflects new peoples personalities. So when I meet someone for the first time, I tend to mimic their personality (unknowingly) until the relationship reaches a point where I feel comfortable with them. It's the same for friends or romantic relationships. So the problem was I didn't know this at the time, and I didn't allow myself enough time to get comfortable enough to stop mimicking her personality before I jumped into a big commitment. I jumped into a big commitment out of fear that she would dump me, but that fear was based on a horrible dating experience I had just prior to meeting my ex-wife.

So you can see how all kinds of unhealthy emotional and mental factors played into this overall doomed marriage, and I'm just as guilty—if not more so—than she was. Neither of us committed adultery and we didn't abuse each other, but we both wanted the other person to be someone they weren't.