How do I develop thicker skin?

[Jesse2014]

I am a coward. I do not know how to defend my position very well; mainly because I am afraid. I easily back down. I am afraid of being insulted and sounding stupid. Yet, I see people on here who is not afraid of being insulted by participating in these heavy debates of whether God can be proven or not. And they will stand their ground no matter what. How do they do that? I, myself, will never deny my faith, which is low; but I will leave the debate before I get insulted.

Let me just say, I do not think debates are wrong at all. So my question isn't saying "I think you are wrong." But I do wonder, why do we debate constantly the existence of God? Why can't people just say "you have your beliefs and I have mine; let's just go our seperate ways?" Aren't you afraid of getting insulted by the person you are debating?

I don't know, maybe there is something stimulating about these arguments.

Again, I don't think they are wrong; I read them all the time and I do find some arguments interesting. I have learned from both sides of the arguments: Atheists and Christians.

And my next question is, how do I develop thicker skin? I am afraid to stand my ground. I don't want to be insulted or hated. But I don't want to be afraid to stand up for what I believe in as well.

 

[Strathos]

Keep in mind that the person insulting you over the internet doesn't actually know you, so nothing they say about you matters.

 

[Jesse2014]

Keep in mind that the person insulting you over the internet doesn't actually know you, so nothing they say about you matters.

Right

That's a good point

 

[pakicetus]

You shouldn't worry about people insulting you: I don't think insults are common here at all. It's probably the weirdest thing about this forum (in a good way).

 

[madaz]

I have learned from both sides of the arguments: Atheists and Christians.

You say "both" as if implying Christians are exclusive on their side of the argument.

Christian's actually share their side with hundreds of other religions, and not one religion holds a monopoly on your side of the argument.

But getting back to your question.

Dont be offended by people challenging your position, it's not you they are challenging, it is your position they are challenging.

If you can separate yourself from your position, you may find you will not be so offended.

 

[Jesse2014]

You shouldn't worry about people insulting you: I don't think insults are common here at all. It's probably the weirdest thing about this forum (in a good way).

Yeah, you are probably right.

 

[Mystman]

I find that it helps if you are critical of your own level of knowledge, and write your posts to match that level.

Don't make sweeping statements about things you're quite unfamiliar with. If all your information about a topic (e.g. a religion, lifestyle, social issue) comes from snippets on Fox News, Youtube comments, and the introduction to the wikipedia page, be humble in your presentation of your opinion. "From what I've heard I get the impression that X is bad, but other people think X is good.. can you people help me understand?" instead of "X is bad and you're all going to hell". If people start attacking you for asking an honest question (and in some parts of the internet, they will), just be the bigger person and walk away.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you're quite confident in your position, know a lot about it, could produce a 10 page report on it you needed to, etc, then you can write things with some more conviction. If people come up with some brilliant counter-argument: good! You learned something new! But if people come with insults, you can tell yourself that they are just uninformed, didn't understand your post, etc.

 

[Jesse2014]

You say "both" as if implying Christians are exclusive on their side of the argument.

Christian's actually share their side with hundreds of other religions, and not one religion holds a monopoly on your side of the argument.

But getting back to your question.

Dont be offended by people challenging your position, it's not you they are challenging, it is your position they are challenging.

If you can separate yourself from your position, you may find you will not be so offended.

That's true: Christians are not the only ones who believe in creation.

OK. I can do that.

 

[Jesse2014]

I find that it helps if you are critical of your own level of knowledge, and write your posts to match that level.

Don't make sweeping statements about things you're quite unfamiliar with. If all your information about a topic (e.g. a religion, lifestyle, social issue) comes from snippets on Fox News, Youtube comments, and the introduction to the wikipedia page, be humble in your presentation of your opinion. "From what I've heard I get the impression that X is bad, but other people think X is good.. can you people help me understand?" instead of "X is bad and you're all going to hell". If people start attacking you for asking an honest question (and in some parts of the internet, they will), just be the bigger person and walk away.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you're quite confident in your position, know a lot about it, could produce a 10 page report on it you needed to, etc, then you can write things with some more conviction. If people come up with some brilliant counter-argument: good! You learned something new! But if people come with insults, you can tell yourself that they are just uninformed, didn't understand your post, etc.

Alright. I can do that.

 

[grasping the after wind]

You may just not be cut out for debating. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you remain who you are and believe what you believe, you are not required to answer to or to convince anyone else. You asked "Why can't people just say "you have your beliefs and I have mine; let's just go our separate ways?"". The answer for you may be that you can do that. Some people feel a deep seated compulsion to air their views in public or to defend their position against opposition, but it is not a universal necessity. If you, on the other hand , feel disinclined to do so, I would not worry about it and I certainly would not see that as some deficiency on your part.

 

[grasping the after wind]

As far as developing a thicker skin. Time, practice and attitude. The more times one is embarrassed or insulted the easier it is not to fear being embarassed or insulted as one learns the futility of fear. As A young man i was shy , introverted and afraid of being embarrassed or insulted, at 60, I actually enjoy and relish when someone I am debating stoops to insults as I know that means they have no cogent argument to counter mine and are resorting to the schoolyard method of bullying. I hardly think the opinion of a person with such a closed and limited point of view is worth caring about. It is easy to connect the dots and see that one's reaction to bullying ought to be to refuse to give in to it but it takes time and practice to come to the point at which one feels comfortable standing one's ground consistently.

 

[Ana the Ist]

I am a coward. I do not know how to defend my position very well; mainly because I am afraid. I easily back down. I am afraid of being insulted and sounding stupid. Yet, I see people on here who is not afraid of being insulted by participating in these heavy debates of whether God can be proven or not. And they will stand their ground no matter what. How do they do that? I, myself, will never deny my faith, which is low; but I will leave the debate before I get insulted.

Let me just say, I do not think debates are wrong at all. So my question isn't saying "I think you are wrong." But I do wonder, why do we debate constantly the existence of God? Why can't people just say "you have your beliefs and I have mine; let's just go our seperate ways?" Aren't you afraid of getting insulted by the person you are debating?

I don't know, maybe there is something stimulating about these arguments.

Again, I don't think they are wrong; I read them all the time and I do find some arguments interesting. I have learned from both sides of the arguments: Atheists and Christians.

And my next question is, how do I develop thicker skin? I am afraid to stand my ground. I don't want to be insulted or hated. But I don't want to be afraid to stand up for what I believe in as well.

What exactly is the goal you're aiming for here Jesse? Is it to no longer fear being insulted? Is it to not be hurt by insults? Or are you looking to strengthen your skills in debate?

Or maybe some combination of all of these?

Edit-Used wrong name in my reply, sorry. If you've read his posts you might understand why.

 

[Kiritsugu Emiyah]

I am a coward. I do not know how to defend my position very well; mainly because I am afraid. I easily back down. I am afraid of being insulted and sounding stupid. Yet, I see people on here who is not afraid of being insulted by participating in these heavy debates of whether God can be proven or not. And they will stand their ground no matter what. How do they do that? I, myself, will never deny my faith, which is low; but I will leave the debate before I get insulted.

Let me just say, I do not think debates are wrong at all. So my question isn't saying "I think you are wrong." But I do wonder, why do we debate constantly the existence of God? Why can't people just say "you have your beliefs and I have mine; let's just go our seperate ways?" Aren't you afraid of getting insulted by the person you are debating?

I don't know, maybe there is something stimulating about these arguments.

Again, I don't think they are wrong; I read them all the time and I do find some arguments interesting. I have learned from both sides of the arguments: Atheists and Christians.

And my next question is, how do I develop thicker skin? I am afraid to stand my ground. I don't want to be insulted or hated. But I don't want to be afraid to stand up for what I believe in as well.

The reason people care to debate these things is because they represent conflicts that do need to be resolved. They aren't simply different beliefs... they also represent different values and ideas that bring us into conflict in our society and lives.

Fear is a defense mechanism that intends to prevent you from doing things that threaten or harm your sense of security or well being. As long as your brain thinks that thing is threatening or harmful it will seek to keep you from doing it. You brain doesn't want to be insulted and it doesn't want to have it's ideas challenged because then it loses it's security. Your brain wants to keep a comfortable emotional place where it feels ok and secure. It doesn't want to have deal with lots of incoming data that threaten it. So it uses fear to keep you from doing things that break it's emotional security blanket.

The way you get better at these things is to experience it. Go do it and when you come through the other side undamaged and unhurt your brain will adjust and might eventually no longer see it as a threat.

You're afraid of it because your brain views it as a threat, not because you're a coward.

The brain tries to craft security for itself, it builds a wall to keep the bad things out and fear is that wall... fear prevents you from going places and doing things that might hurt it. Fear is how the brain ensures it's survival and maintains it's security, especially emotional stability.

 

[Kiritsugu Emiyah]

Your brain can respond to the violence and danger of an insult in different ways... if it's barraged with damaging information it can do a number of things.

It can take the position that the only inferior people would say such insulting immature things, this would allow it remain stable and secure.

It can be violent in return and through aggression remove the threat.

Learning the logical fallacies and weakness of an insulting angry person's arguments are one way our brain can learn to remain secure. We often learn to view insulting people as immature, inferior, ignorant, and this allows us to perceive their arguments or ideas non-threatening.

"Oh you call me names? That just means you have nothing worse saying"
"Oh you're being mean, if you were intelligent you wouldn't need to be mean"
"Oh you're so rude, obviously you're just a foul mouthed little kid who didn't learn proper manners"
"Oh you're so mean, obviously your aggressive nature indicates a weakness inside yourself"

Our brain can begin to view their aggression as a weakness and flaw and so our brain keeps on feeling secure and ok.

 

[Kiritsugu Emiyah]

Jesse,

People often say that only really weak people let words or ideas hurt them but the truth is that our brain uses fear to prevent us from doing things that would make it deal with very stressful information and sometimes certain information can cause our brains to need to completely re-inventory and re-shape how it's going to act to meet it's needs... the load and stress on the brain during those times is something it uses fear to prevent.

 

[Jesse2014]

To Ana.

Wow.

lol How did you know it was me? I can't hide anything from you.

To be perfectly honest, Ana, I don't what my goal is.

I asked how can I develop a thicker skin after I saw your thread about give me your best arguments. And I thought to myself, how does she do that? I wanted to post on that thread, but I was afraid of sounding like an idiot. So that's why I asked the question. I guess my goal is to not be afraid to stand up towards what I believe in without fear of being insulted.

And yes, I do what to learn how to be a better debater.To

 

[Jesse2014]

What exactly is the goal you're aiming for here Cedric? Is it to no longer fear being insulted? Is it to not be hurt by insults? Or are you looking to strengthen your skills in debate?

Or maybe some combination of all of these?

The post before this one is for you. I forget to check the quote sign.

 

[Jesse2014]

You may just not be cut out for debating. There is nothing wrong with that. As long as you remain who you are and believe what you believe, you are not required to answer to or to convince anyone else. You asked "Why can't people just say "you have your beliefs and I have mine; let's just go our separate ways?"". The answer for you may be that you can do that. Some people feel a deep seated compulsion to air their views in public or to defend their position against opposition, but it is not a universal necessity. If you, on the other hand , feel disinclined to do so, I would not worry about it and I certainly would not see that as some deficiency on your part.

Maybe I don't need to. I have other Christians tell me that I do. But if I don't have to then maybe I should stay away from topics that causes debates. Because when I enter a debate, I do sound like an idiot. It's that I don't what I am talking about.

It's like this. I know multiplication very well; and I know fractions very well. But if I tried to explain them, it would as if I did not what was talking about. I am pretty knowledgeable of what I believe. And there is a reason why I believe in the Son of God. But I wouldn't know how to answer someone if they tried to debate me. I would just back down. I would never deny my faith. But I may say something like "yeah, you're right. My belief is stupid," while continuing in my beliefs. So I asked that question, actually I asked several questions I guess, but my main one was how do I develop some thicker skin (boldness)?

But I think you answered it on your second post.

 

[Jesse2014]

Jesse,

People often say that only really weak people let words or ideas hurt them but the truth is that our brain uses fear to prevent us from doing things that would make it deal with very stressful information and sometimes certain information can cause our brains to need to completely re-inventory and re-shape how it's going to act to meet it's needs... the load and stress on the brain during those times is something it uses fear to prevent.

Well, thank you.

That was actually useful.

 

[Jesse2014]

What exactly is the goal you're aiming for here Cedric? Is it to no longer fear being insulted? Is it to not be hurt by insults? Or are you looking to strengthen your skills in debate?

Or maybe some combination of all of these?

I can see how you found out. My threads are getting kind of old. Looking at all my threads, I have written the same things over and over again.

Yeah, I have a compulsive problem.