Sneaky Family

[JoeinPA]

My wife and stepson sneak behind my back and smoke marijuana,we've spoken about this before and she keeps justifying it. That is just the tip of the iceberg basically as so much is wrong here. So much rebellion and I've tried everything,even prayer which doesn't seem to be doing anything sorry to say.

Please help!

 

[WalksWithChrist]

My wife and stepson sneak behind my back and smoke marijuana,we've spoken about this before and she keeps justifying it. That is just the tip of the iceberg basically as so much is wrong here. So much rebellion and I've tried everything,even prayer which doesn't seem to be doing anything sorry to say.

Please help!

It would help if you gave a few more specifics. How old is your stepson for starters.

 

[JoeinPA]

He's 18 now,but was 17 when it started. And it just goes on and on and there's nothing that's stopped it yet.

 

[Inkachu]

Uh.. call the cops???

 

[Niffer]

Even IF you live in a state where pot is now legal, your stepson is still underage.
Her behavior is ridiculous, and I don't know if she's trying to do the "cool mom" thing, but it's going to blow up in her face...

That being said, he's technically an adult, and technically not your child, so what you can ACTUALLY do is pretty small.
So start with the basics.
Any pot found in your house gets flushed, tell them that they cannot smoke inside the house, and toss out any paraphernalia you find, pipes, papers whathaveyou.

You're in a tough position, but you can, at least insist about the house, and if your wife complains, you can remind her it IS illegal, and her son IS under age.

Good luck!
~ Niff

 

[WalksWithChrist]

He's 18 now,but was 17 when it started. And it just goes on and on and there's nothing that's stopped it yet.

Ok, I just wanted to make sure he wasn't five or something. Yeah, I've seen kids that young smoke pot.

People that want to smoke that bad will find a way to do so. Do what Niffer says (not a bad idea), but know that they may well keep on doing it. It really sounds like pot isn't the real problem here, but a problem of underlying trust. And tossing out someone's stash and whatnot might even blow up in your face...so be very careful if you decide to do that.

There may not be too much you can do to stop them. If you can't, ask yourself what your next move is. Also, calling a group like NA (Narcotics Anonymous) might be helpful for you. Lots of people deal with stuff like this and it might help you to talk to someone in person about it. Someone who has been there.

I am praying for your family. Yours isn't an easy situation.

 

[BigDaddy4]

Since the OP's screen name is "JoeinPA" and he lists his location in PA, I would assume he lives in Pennsylvania. The only 2 states where pot is legal are Colorado and Washington. Therefore, it would seem his wife and stepson are breaking the law.

I would most definitely call the cops the next time you catch them doing it. Legal intervention may or may not be the best course, but at least you would get these occurances on record and it could be a wake up call for them.

Prayers out to you for wisdom and God's intervention!

 

[Inkachu]

My wife and stepson sneak behind my back and smoke marijuana,we've spoken about this before and she keeps justifying it. That is just the tip of the iceberg basically as so much is wrong here. So much rebellion and I've tried everything,even prayer which doesn't seem to be doing anything sorry to say.

Please help!

For those who seem to think my suggestion was too harsh, and that the OP should try other "first steps".. he already has!!

 

[BigDaddy4]

For those who seem to think my suggestion was too harsh, and that the OP should try other "first steps".. he already has!!

I agree with you..

 

[JoeinPA]

People that want to smoke that bad will find a way to do so. Do what Niffer says (not a bad idea), but know that they may well keep on doing it. It really sounds like pot isn't the real problem here, but a problem of underlying trust. And tossing out someone's stash and whatnot might even blow up in your face...so be very careful if you decide to do that.

There may not be too much you can do to stop them. If you can't, ask yourself what your next move is. Also, calling a group like NA (Narcotics Anonymous) might be helpful for you. Lots of people deal with stuff like this and it might help you to talk to someone in person about it. Someone who has been there.

I am praying for your family. Yours isn't an easy situation.

I appreciate the understanding and advice,that's what I was going to reply is that I think most of those things would blow up in my face.

That's why I posted here,because I was hoping for divine intervention at this point;

 

[akmom]

I agree with Inkachu and Niffer.

There are consequences to using marijuana, and 96% of the states agree that those consequences are serious enough to criminalize it. (Compare this to 100% of the states just a year ago, and still 100% of the states in regards to minors.) That means that it is one of those few things that you don't actually have to figure out on your own. The force of law is behind you.

I think your question is how do you stop them without subjecting them to any consequences. In this case, I don't think you can. It's not like an impressionable child or thoughtful adult, where you can have an honest discussion and they come out realizing this is a bad choice. They already know the pros and cons, and they've decided it's worth it, in light of their situation. You can't change their behavior unless you allow the full extent of the consequences to materialize.

I guess you just have to decide whether having legal action in your family is worse than having drug use in your family. It's not really a question of whether it will "blow up in your face." It's a question of what, specifically, do you prefer to have blow up in your face? (Or when, since you can't necessarily shield them from consequences forever.)

 

[Avniel]

I agree with Inkachu and Niffer.

There are consequences to using marijuana, and 96% of the states agree that those consequences are serious enough to criminalize it. (Compare this to 100% of the states just a year ago, and still 100% of the states in regards to minors.) That means that it is one of those few things that you don't actually have to figure out on your own. The force of law is behind you.

I think your question is how do you stop them without subjecting them to any consequences. In this case, I don't think you can. It's not like an impressionable child or thoughtful adult, where you can have an honest discussion and they come out realizing this is a bad choice. They already know the pros and cons, and they've decided it's worth it, in light of their situation. You can't change their behavior unless you allow the full extent of the consequences to materialize.

I guess you just have to decide whether having legal action in your family is worse than having drug use in your family. It's not really a question of whether it will "blow up in your face." It's a question of what, specifically, do you prefer to have blow up in your face? (Or when, since you can't necessarily shield them from consequences forever.)

Has anyone ever thought that maybe morally they do not see it as a bad choice?

 

[JoeinPA]

Has anyone ever thought that maybe morally they do not see it as a bad choice?

It's not so much that as that they continually sneak behind my back to do it,which asks the question if they'll do that,what else would they do?...

Trust has been breached.

 

[Inkachu]

Anyone who has lived with a drug user or addict knows that there is no reasoning or rationalizing with these people. They need tough love, hard choices, and painful consequences to break them out of their self destructive cycle. As long as the rewards of drug use outweigh the pain of consequences, they're going to continue to use. That's how addiction works. Period. It won't be until the drugs bring a consequence too painful or unpleasant to face, that they will consider stopping.

I would tell them that, unless they both agree to treatment and counseling, they're no longer allowed in the house. Give them a day or two to pack their stuff and then change the locks. They can't threaten to call the police on you because then their drug use will be exposed.

Dealing with an addict often requires absolutely heart-wrenching decisions.

 

[BigDaddy4]

I appreciate the understanding and advice,that's what I was going to reply is that I think most of those things would blow up in my face.

That's why I posted here,because I was hoping for divine intervention at this point;

Divine intervention or not, the majority of posters here it seems are telling you to call the cops. Your wife and stepson are participating in an illegal activity.

If you truly want this activity to stop, then you have to set firm boundaries and be able to follow through. If not, then your passive actions will not improve the situation.

God doesn't always solve our problems on His own. Sometimes, He empowers us to solve them. Your choice - take a stand or not.

 

[Niffer]

Has anyone ever thought that maybe morally they do not see it as a bad choice?

Even if it was legal where he was, and his stepson was old enough, there still needs to be respect there.
Just like smoking cigarettes.
If a person is against smoking in their home - then the person who wants to should respect that and at least smoke somewhere else, especially when paired with the health issues associated with it.
second hand smoke from cigarettes or a contact high from pot.

There still needs to be respect, regardless of where you stand on morality.

~ Niffer

 

[Avniel]

It's not so much that as that they continually sneak behind my back to do it,which asks the question if they'll do that,what else would they do?...

Trust has been breached.

I totally understand that aspect of it.

My views on weed is a little bit different having Jamaican family. I smoked from the time I was 12 to 18, I stopped because my wife wouldn't date a person that broke the law. However I believe that weed isn't a morally wrong and should certainly be legalized if a person can drink a beer and smoke cigs then people should have a right to smoke weed.

However in your situation I think going behind your back is not right. You should just ask them if they are going to stop and to be honest. If they say no then you deal with it from there.

 

[Avniel]

Even if it was legal where he was, and his stepson was old enough, there still needs to be respect there.
Just like smoking cigarettes.
If a person is against smoking in their home - then the person who wants to should respect that and at least smoke somewhere else, especially when paired with the health issues associated with it.
second hand smoke from cigarettes or a contact high from pot.

There still needs to be respect, regardless of where you stand on morality.

~ Niffer

Of course I am a guy that stopped smoking weed to date the woman I am now married to. I certainly agree that they should have had enough respect to not smoke in the home and not have the weed in the home. I think that aspect of it is disrespectful to the fullest.

 

[Inkachu]

Avniel, I think your case is the exception rather than the rule. For you, it was cultural, and accepted. But in the vast majority of cases, especially for young people, any substance use (alcohol, tobacco, weed) leaves a person many times more likely to seek out other drugs down the road. Perhaps it's part of the American selfish, instant-gratification culture, or just the general moral and social decline of our country overall.

I watched my brother start with cigarettes and alcohol, he progressed to pot, and then onto every hard drug you can name; LSD, cocaine, ecstasy. He lost decades of his life to drug addiction, crime, and prison, and today in his late 30's, he is still mentally a paranaoid, selfish child who can hardly function in society, even though he's been clean for the majority of the past 10 years.


The "gateway drug theory" describes the phenomenon in which an introduction to drug-using behavior through the use of tobacco, alcohol, or marijuana is related to subsequent use of other illicit drugs. The theory suggests that, all other things being equal, an adolescent who uses any one drug is more likely to use another drug. In practice, early introduction to substance use for adolescents is often through tobacco and/or alcohol. These two drugs are considered the first "gate" for most adolescents. Under this hypothesis, tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana are all considered "gateway drugs," preceding the use of one another and of illicit drugs.



The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) provides the following illustrations:

• Among 12-to 17-year-olds with no other problem behaviors, those who drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes at least once in the past month are 30 times likelier to smoke marijuana than those who didn't. These correlations are more pronounced for girls than boys: for girls, 36 times likelier; for boys, 27 times likelier.
• Among 12-to 17-year-olds with no other problem behaviors, those who used all three gateway drugs (cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana) in the past month are almost 17 times likelier to use another drug like cocaine, heroin, or LSD. These correlations are stronger for boys than girls: for boys, 29 times likelier; for girls, 11 times likelier.

 

[Niffer]

Avniel, I think your case is the exception rather than the rule. For you, it was cultural, and accepted. But in the vast majority of cases, especially for young people, any substance use (alcohol, tobacco, weed) leaves a person many times more likely to seek out other drugs down the road. Perhaps it's part of the American selfish, instant-gratification culture, or just the general moral and social decline of our country overall.

I watched my brother start with cigarettes and alcohol, he progressed to pot, and then onto every hard drug you can name; LSD, cocaine, ecstasy. He lost decades of his life to drug addiction, crime, and prison, and today in his late 30's, he is still mentally a paranaoid, selfish child who can hardly function in society, even though he's been clean for the majority of the past 10 years.


The "gateway drug theory" describes the phenomenon in which an introduction to drug-using behavior through the use of tobacco, alcohol, or marijuana is related to subsequent use of other illicit drugs. The theory suggests that, all other things being equal, an adolescent who uses any one drug is more likely to use another drug. In practice, early introduction to substance use for adolescents is often through tobacco and/or alcohol. These two drugs are considered the first "gate" for most adolescents. Under this hypothesis, tobacco, alcohol, and marijuana are all considered "gateway drugs," preceding the use of one another and of illicit drugs.



The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) provides the following illustrations:

• Among 12-to 17-year-olds with no other problem behaviors, those who drank alcohol and smoked cigarettes at least once in the past month are 30 times likelier to smoke marijuana than those who didn't. These correlations are more pronounced for girls than boys: for girls, 36 times likelier; for boys, 27 times likelier.
• Among 12-to 17-year-olds with no other problem behaviors, those who used all three gateway drugs (cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana) in the past month are almost 17 times likelier to use another drug like cocaine, heroin, or LSD. These correlations are stronger for boys than girls: for boys, 29 times likelier; for girls, 11 times likelier.

Again, as you noted, perhaps it's more cultural - but at least from my experience, the gateway drug phenomenon to harsher drugs is more the exception than the rule.
I know many people who smoke (actually I know more pot smokers than cig. smokers now that I think about it.) And I've rarely seen it evolve into addiction to stronger drugs.
For example, if pot became legalized here, and Remi wanted to smoke it when he was out and in a safe environment (like one would when drinking) then I probably wouldn't have issue with it.
I don't really worry about it leading to anything else. He's not addicted to drink or cigarettes, why would he become addicted to pot then progress?
(This being said, because I know he doesn't suffer from an addictive personality)
So I don't know..again, maybe culture?

~ Niffer