Dating others before divorce is final

[Tropical Wilds]

Wow - well I'm not thoroughly versed in every state's laws - but the few states I do know it ranges anywhere from immediate (kind of like the week you're talking about) to six months. I'd imagine that some bible belt states make it more difficult and probably have longer waiting periods - but I'm far too lazy to look it up...lol

With that in mind - well yeah - if there's some egregious waiting time involved - then I could see them moving on before the divorce itself is actually legally finalized. But - if it's like a week or two - six months - etc...just for the sake of not being a tacky person I'd probably wait.

Like I said, totally volatile divorces draaaaag out around here, but even in the case of my husband, who's divorce was uncontested, it took a year.

Here's just what the waiting periods are, according to one website. How true it is I can't vouch for other then my state, which is accurate. Some states, where there's kids involved, have 2,3, even 6 months or a year waiting periods...

Waiting Periods after Filing for Divorce

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Besides waiting periods... some courts are just really busy. It can take a while for any matter to be heard just because you have to set the trial a long way out due to the courts schedule. Some places require a hearing, some places allow it all to be done on paper.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

My divorce was finalized in 6 months.

I guess the big issue I have here is that she made him feel like they were headed towards better times and then *boom*. He was sideswiped. Yes he cheated on her first but they he'd moved on from that. If she truly hadn't then she lied to him.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

Honestly - and no offense is intended to the OP - this thread feels like gossip to me.

None of us are in a position to judge. We don't know all the details, nor should we.

 

[DZoolander]

I wouldn't really hold her seeming "change of mind" against her - honestly. What people say under pressure (like when she first found out) is not always indicative of what they're going to feel like 3-4-5-6 months, a year, etc...down the line when things really start to set in. Often people will fight really hard out of fear to keep something that they decide later they really don't want/feel too traumatized by it to stay/etc.

That being said - I think it's an important lesson to people. Don't mess around with others unless you're really prepared to be left - and don't complain if it happens. You made your bed - be prepared to sleep in it.

 

[LinkH]

So what do we call this? Playing the 'you cheated on me once' card?

Let's say one partner cheats on the other. Twenty years later, the other spouse says, "I'm free to divorce and remarry because you cheated on me twenty years ago."

It reminds me of the get-out-of-jail free card in Monopoly.

Btw, does 'cheat' extend to emotional affairs, looking with lust, peeking at pornography, or going out to dinner in a questionable situation?

 

[DZoolander]

All of those are legit questions to be asked.

20 years later - yeah - I'd say that would be ludicrous. Six months or a year later - ehhh - I can see that happening.

 

[4Bear]

Where does He say that the wife is free to do so if the husband sleeps around.

He is commenting on a law which had allowed for polygamy. He returns to the original intention by quoting Genesis. But the law He is commenting on does not treat men and women exactly the same when it comes to marriage.

aha! This sheds light on why you view marriage counseling with suspicion. You won't find a mc who would enforce such views on your wife.

 

[4Bear]

Btw, does 'cheat' extend to emotional affairs, looking with lust, peeking at pornography, or going out to dinner in a questionable situation?

"You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" Matt 5:27-28 (Jesus speaking)

 

[Tropical Wilds]

My divorce was finalized in 6 months.

I guess the big issue I have here is that she made him feel like they were headed towards better times and then *boom*. He was sideswiped. Yes he cheated on her first but they he'd moved on from that. If she truly hadn't then she lied to him.

Him moving on is only 50% of it though. They both need to move on. Honestly, I don't know if she lied or if, when the cards were on the table, it was just too hard for her to work around.

 

[cactusrose]

She may not have been stringing him along in the normal sense of that phrase rather that in her shock and having that kind of betrayal to deal with she was completely conflicted When something like that happens you can go back and forth from I can deal with this to I can not accept this .Until the dust settles and you're(for you Ezoolander ) ready to make a final decision.And also there could have been and maybe most likely were other issues problems before he cheated.

 

[DZoolander]

Btw, does 'cheat' extend to emotional affairs, looking with lust, peeking at pornography, or going out to dinner in a questionable situation?

I think "cheating" is defined by those that are bound within the relationship - and varies couple to couple.

If you're with someone who thinks that hugging someone else is cheating - then for all intents and purposes within the context of that relationship hugging is cheating. If you're with someone who thinks that what Monica Lewinsky did is cool - then within the context of that relationship then that's not cheating.

What's incumbent upon you is to make an informed and educated choice about who you want to be with.

If you think the person you're dating has loony standards - then you don't need to be marrying them. If I were dating a woman that got all bent out of shape if I shook another woman's hand - I would no longer be dating her. If I were dating someone that told me I was free as a bird to do whatever I wanted with anyone else - I wouldn't be dating her either. Let her find someone else that can abide by those expectations. It certainly isn't my place to try and convince her that she's wrong - or to marry her anyhow hoping that she'll change.

Rather - you know who you're dating. You don't need to be thinking about marrying everyone that you date around with. Dating is not marriage-lite. Use that time appropriately - and dump those that would not make a suitable partner for you.

 

[PreachersWife2004]

Honestly - and no offense is intended to the OP - this thread feels like gossip to me.

None of us are in a position to judge. We don't know all the details, nor should we.

No one here knows who these people are, and I'm asking for thoughts on the details that I *do* know.

I wouldn't really hold her seeming "change of mind" against her - honestly. What people say under pressure (like when she first found out) is not always indicative of what they're going to feel like 3-4-5-6 months, a year, etc...down the line when things really start to set in. Often people will fight really hard out of fear to keep something that they decide later they really don't want/feel too traumatized by it to stay/etc.

That being said - I think it's an important lesson to people. Don't mess around with others unless you're really prepared to be left - and don't complain if it happens. You made your bed - be prepared to sleep in it.

So what do we call this? Playing the 'you cheated on me once' card?

Let's say one partner cheats on the other. Twenty years later, the other spouse says, "I'm free to divorce and remarry because you cheated on me twenty years ago."

It reminds me of the get-out-of-jail free card in Monopoly.

Btw, does 'cheat' extend to emotional affairs, looking with lust, peeking at pornography, or going out to dinner in a questionable situation?

His affair was 7 years ago, so yeah, I was kinda thinking along the same lines as "you cheated on me so now I can do what I want".

For me personally, since she decided to work things out back then, it's not exactly her right to now say that it's okay for her to leave. Her husband was prepared to deal with his consequences then but she chose to forgive him. He counted his blessings then and while they've had their share of issues he's been there for the long run.

Ultimately they will do whatever they will do. I'm just wondering if I'm off based in my thinking.

 

[DZoolander]

Well, to me seven years is a stretch as well.

As I said in my earlier post - I believe there's a period of indecision that's fair to understand...but the clock is ticking on that one. At some point - within a reasonable period of time (I'd argue at most a year or two in total fairness) - you should know if you're gonna be able to get past something or not and the relationship should either move on or dissolve at that point.

 

[Romanseight2005]

It does sound to me like she never really got over it. There is no clock on that if it's not ever going to happen. Sometimes, a certain thing can completely change your perception of a person, like maybe she felt that she didn't know him at all. On the other hand though, she may have felt like she needed to try to make it work, but after so much time, she just couldn't.

It's a sad situation, but once the first person cheats, all bets are off for ever having a faithful relationship again. Sometimes people can do it, but often they can't, which is why I believe Jesus made that exception. I don't recall Jesus putting a time limit on it, either.

 

[cactusrose]

I think I would have to know what the dynamics were and her frame of mind that 7 years.Yes it seems like a long time but adultery can completely shatter your marriage like an explosion .It could be the case she would have a period of time where she thought she was over a hump then something would trigger her and she would relive it all over again.It could also be that she wasn't able to stop being suspicious that he wasn't up to it again.When a spouse cheats it causes extreme paranoia justifiably so I might add which again is exhausting.Its like a form of PTSD.And that can go on for years.Including nightmares.

I'm just throwing out suggestions.She could just as well have been being deliberately cruel and vindictive toying with him to punish him harshly.But I'm starting with the premise she was the one who was severely betrayed.Some can recover and start rebuilding in months and go on in peace.Others are haunted for a long time.

 

[DZoolander]

When I say a time limit - what I'm getting at is something along the lines of...

I remember a friend of mine hurt his girlfriend when they were just dating (when they'd just started). It became a sore spot and a year or two later it was still being brought up somewhat frequently.

My advice to him was to talk to her and tell her that he believed that she had all the time in the world to process it however she felt was necessary - and he wanted the relationship to work. At the same time, however, he also had a right to say there would come a point where he felt it unfair that he keep paying a price for some infraction long ago...and that he would not live the rest of his life riddled with guilt and paying for a random indiscretion when they were younger. They both had a right to live a happy life - and if the indiscretion was such that it made that impossible for them as a couple - there should come a point where that's expressed and they both move on. If forgiveness is given - and if you have moved on - there should come a point where you never hear about it again...and if forgiveness cannot be given...and if you cannot move on...you shouldn't remain together.

I'm not saying it should be a week, a month, a year...whatever. But - that point *should* come. In my eyes it varies depending on the nature and seriousness of the infraction...but at the same time I would *think* that you would pretty much know how you're going to feel within a year or two.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

We bury the hatchet - YouTube

 

[Chaplain David]

I have two friends who are currently separated. The husband cheated on the wife awhile back, but she chose to stick around and work things out with him. They've had their share of ups and downs, and he's had some rough spots, but he has been really trying to make things better. She, on the other hand, has not overly been willing to work on things, but has also been leading him on. She has been seeing another man while they were working on their marriage and finally decided she wanted to see him instead. Her husband wrote all kinds of nice things on her facebook, which she continued to like and post to and respond to. They must've had an altercation off facebook because he posted something along the lines that her boyfriend won, etc.

It's a sticky situation to be sure, and I feel as a Christian that the wife here is in the wrong, that if her husband is willing to continue to work things out that she needs to also make that effort. Yes, he was unfaithful, but she chose to remain with him. Now I believe she is being unfaithful by seeing this other guy, especially while they were trying to work things out.

I think she should tell the other guy that until her divorce is final she shouldn't be dating anyone. What do you guys think?

Hi PreachersWife2004,

I agree with you. They need to both try to work it out and dating before divorce is adultery according to scripture. Also, God states that He hates divorce although divorce and remarriage can occur under certain, narrow circumstances. But I bet you already know this . It's good to hear from you. Nice OP.

Faithfully,

 

[cactusrose]

I think the point is deciding to work something out that you have no idea what it is the challenges will be after you say that until after experiencing what it calls for on your end only after going through. That is how that can happen over years that you decide otherwise.Its not just forgiving them for what they did already its trying to trust again can be grueling.Things you would have never 2nd guessed before the adultery can send you in a tailspin after.

I'll give an example.Before the affair your spouse is running late home from work.An hour goes by your first thought is are they O.K.What if they got in a wreck.You try to get hold of them you get no answer.30 minutes later you are freaking out imagining they are dead or have been mugged or something horrible happened to them right as they walk through the door.Your angry but relieved they are O.K.The explanation Is I'm so sorry I got stuck in a meeting then there were two wrecks on the highway.And I had my cell turned off for the meeting and forgot to turn it back on.Next time I will be sure to call you if I'm going to be this late I didn't eve realize how much time had gone by.

After the affair same scenerio but your first thought isn't are they O>K its is he with that woman?Or a new one?Your mind imagines what he could be doing with her.ALL the feelings of the betrayal the emotions are racing through you.He walks in and you demand to know where he was he gives you the same story and you do NOT believe him you want evidence.You "need" to call his work to confirm the meeting then realize they might lie for him so you can't even trust that.You search the news to see any report of a wreck.You "need" his cell phone to check #'s dialed and recieved if there is a female name you demand to know who's she!He tells you and you don't believe him you need to call her and ask her who she is.You search his car check his wallet have him empty his pockets and you might just do weird things like smell him to check for any sign he has been with a female.

Even though there is no evidence he did anything wrong.All you have is missing time.His story "could be true.You do not trust him he lied to get away with it before and you know he is capable of it once he could do it again.From that point on you are haunted wondering if he did it again .Have you been made a fool of again.etc.Those things can be happening years later even though you have "forgiven him" for the one time you know he did it.That is exhausting to have to go through.Including you might feel guilty you are accusing him when he "may not' have done anything wrong.You may eventually decide to go ahead and give him the benefit of the doubt but the effort to get to that point over something that seemingly innocent can take days or a month and it wears you out.

So deciding at the beginning to work it out doesn't mean you know what all that entails and you later realize you can't live with it and its not fair to either one of you.