I'm not saying I would instantly divorce "Sue," because I am fairly inclined (but not certain) that the marriage is still "valid" despite being made on such false pretenses.
The marriage is destined to be an unhappy one, or at least start off as unhappy, because apart from Tom maybe having intimacy issues, they are not going to trust each other. And if a husband and wife cannot trust or believe each other, that leads to even more problems. Would you trust someone like Sue?
Even if Tim forgives her, which he should, once trust has been so dramatically lost, it would be very difficult and time consuming to regain.
K9 Trainer said:
I think Tim's reaction after finding out was too dramatic and probably just reinforces the girls insecurity. I'm making an assumption here, but I don't see why she would lie if she felt secure with and accepted by Tim. From my personal experiences, a lot of Christians come on rather strong and give off a judgmental vibe rather than a forgiving one. In no way am I trying to pass blame. She is responsible for what she did. But it also takes two to tango and if Tim is making her feel like his love is conditional and making her feel like she has to lie to be accepted, then that's a problem that needs to be worked on.
I'll be honest and say that "Sue" deserves all of the blame. If she believed that Tim would refuse to marry a non-virgin, she should have been honest and risked being dumped, before they got married, instead of effectively "scamming" him by only telling him afterwards. Tim's reaction would not just be due to her past mistakes, but her untrustworthiness and deceitful behaviour - how could he trust her now? If you have to lie to get someone to marry you, perhaps you should consider finding someone else.
Thankful in VT said:
What I was saying is,she repented of the behavior, does it matter?
I remember hearing people apply the term "born again virgin" to those who repented and pledged not to have sex again until marriage.
Maybe that's what she considered herself to be?
If she had repented... she still should have been
honest and admitted that she had sex before.
Thunder Peel said:
I also have to ask why we're putting Tim on a pedestal. Is he without sin? Is there nothing in his past that he regrets or hasn't told his wife about? It sounds like we're placing emphasis on one particular sin and ignoring others. Sin is sin and we're ALL guilty of it. I'm sure Tim has more than a few things in his past that he'd rather forget too.
But this entire thread is about his wife and her deception... we don't know if Tim is hiding a similar dark secret, (he may have been completely open with Sue), and without any specific example of wrongdoing, we only have what's written in this thread to go on. If Tim had done the same thing as Sue, my sympathy would disappear, but we can't "ignore" Tim's sins if we don't know about them. Other people have also made good responses to this.
Acropolis said:
The concept that women are less valuable for having 'tainted' themselves with sex is harmful and archaic and needs to be dispensed with. Guys who get upset about the previous partners of a woman are insecure little creeps that need to grow up.
1) Who said that only women are expected to remain pure? Tim saved himself for his wife. 2) See my response to K9_Trainer.
LeotheLioness said:
I have. He was very put off by the fact. Guys don't want virgins. I've been informed of that more times than I can count, so it's hard for me to believe otherwise.
That isn't my impression... I'm sure there's lots of guys who would prefer to marry virgins? Perhaps its because I don't live in America.
Lafillecherie said:
but if he's ready to leave because she was not a virgin on their wedding night then that's just as wrong as the lies she told. Worse, even.
Everyone else has already pointed out that it was not just because she was not a virgin, but primarily due to the fact she lied for so long on such a major issue.
