Will a woman change after marriage?

[Starpuppy]

My girlfriend is a hot tempered lady and flares easily but shes loving towards kids..she just converted to Christ because of me

i was just curious if she would change after marriage

 

[EphesiaNZ]

Well if she's converted because of you that's a sign that she's willing to change something about her life!

We all change after marriage - love and respect one another is the key and don't forget your faith!

 

[Niffer]

I'm always cautious of these "converted for me" relationships.
Not because I doubt the sincerity of her faith, but you should never convert "for someone" - she should want to convert because SHE wants to for herself.
The rose-coloured glasses come off with every relationship, and if she changed her faith, just based on your approval, she may just as easily swing back the other way.

As for the changing after marriage.

Don't bet on it.

We all grow, one way or another through being married, but you can't change her personality.
It's the same with women being convinced they can "train" or "change" their man, instead of accepting him for the way he is.

If you have issues with her personality now, don't expect marriage to change that.
It will only amplify it - seriously.
You think it's annoying /now/ how she does _______, but after years of being married, it'll either drive you even more insane, or you accept it.

((btw, being one of those "fiery" temper wives - it doesn't go away. I'm hoping to mellow with age, but Remi knows how I am when I'm angry, I explode.
He prefers to walk away and be silent and sullen. So neither of us like how we deal with our anger, but we've accepted it.
He doesn't try to change me and I don't try to change him....but every once and a while we meet in the middle and change together. ))

Best of luck,
- Niffer

 

[Starpuppy]

Well if she's converted because of you that's a sign that she's willing to change something about her life!

We all change after marriage - love and respect one another is the key and don't forget your faith!

What Niffer said does have a point...

I'm always cautious of these "converted for me" relationships.
Not because I doubt the sincerity of her faith, but you should never convert "for someone" - she should want to convert because SHE wants to for herself.
The rose-coloured glasses come off with every relationship, and if she changed her faith, just based on your approval, she may just as easily swing back the other way.

As for the changing after marriage.

Don't bet on it.

We all grow, one way or another through being married, but you can't change her personality.
It's the same with women being convinced they can "train" or "change" their man, instead of accepting him for the way he is.

If you have issues with her personality now, don't expect marriage to change that.
It will only amplify it - seriously.
You think it's annoying /now/ how she does _______, but after years of being married, it'll either drive you even more insane, or you accept it.

((btw, being one of those "fiery" temper wives - it doesn't go away. I'm hoping to mellow with age, but Remi knows how I am when I'm angry, I explode.
He prefers to walk away and be silent and sullen. So neither of us like how we deal with our anger, but we've accepted it.
He doesn't try to change me and I don't try to change him....but every once and a while we meet in the middle and change together. ))

Best of luck,
- Niffer

I am just curious, is it that hard for ladies to be more mellow and stick to reasoning instead of flaring? flaring never helps anything

 

[Lena75]

Niffer is right. She may not change after the marriage and could actually change YOU after the marriage. Not necessarily for the better, either. She needs to convert to Christ for herself, not for you. She needs to have that relationship with the Lord herself. Marriage is not something to take lightly and before any 2 people decide to marry, they should make their life right with God first.

 

[Starpuppy]

Niffer is right. She may not change after the marriage and could actually change YOU after the marriage. Not necessarily for the better, either. She needs to convert to Christ for herself, not for you. She needs to have that relationship with the Lord herself. Marriage is not something to take lightly and before any 2 people decide to marry, they should make their life right with God first.

i was hoping that by knowing Christ, she could be affected by the godness and making a change =/

 

[Niffer]

I am just curious, is it that hard for ladies to be more mellow and stick to reasoning instead of flaring? flaring never helps anything

Lol! Well, I would say I'm very logical and eloquent when 'flaring' - actually I can be so eloquent I get myself into trouble.
I have a very quick and sharp tongue - and usually say things I instantly regret.

You're right though, flaring up doesn't help anything - but bottling it up is dangerous too.

We all fight how we fight - and fighting doesn't solve anything, but we're all human, so it happens!

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[Niffer]

i was hoping that by knowing Christ, she could be affected by the godness and making a change =/

Hmm...So you're hoping that through knowing Christ, her personality would change for the better?
What specifically would you like to see changed? The temper/anger??

You're right in saying people are changed by their relationship with Christ - the fruits of the Spirit, right?
However, it has to be a personal goal of that individual to cultivate the fruits of the spirit, and if she has seriously taken Christ as her Lord, she will do that.
But! Sinful human nature has a way of hanging around, and I'm sure none of us are as perfect as we'd like.

I'm just wanting to caution you, that hoping her personality will change because of marriage and Christ, is a HUGE assumption.

Like I admitted, I have a fiery temper, its something I struggle with daily and pray for help to stop - but sadly that temper is a huge problem for me.
I want to change it, but I slip every once and a while, and Remi (my dh) understands that.

If you want a Christian wife who loves God as much as you do, and hope it cultivates a better personality, I can understand that!
But wait to marry until you see that happening.

Don't marry and just /hope/ she changes.
Watch and see how she grows before deciding to make her your life partner.

Too many young people rush in and just hope they are compatible with their spouses - I encourage you to know for sure, and save yourself heartache.

Peace,
Niffer

 

[Lena75]

Yes, it's good that she knows Christ through you but is she doing it to get in your good graces or because she's realized that she really needs Christ in her life? Like Niffer said (again! ) and what I was getting at was don't marry her in hopes that she will change. Marry her because she HAS changed! Then you'll both grow together in Christ and in marriage.

And how hot tempered is she? What does it take to set her off? Is she that super sensitive?

 

[citizenthom]

I am just curious, is it that hard for ladies to be more mellow and stick to reasoning instead of flaring? flaring never helps anything

That's an age-old question that wise married men will tell you to stop asking. You just have to learn to be understanding of her emotions--ALL of them--and not to escalate things when she goes "off the deep end." It's a life-long learning process.

 

[pgp_protector]

Will a woman change after Marriage? Yes, but so will the Man.
The question is How will they change. And that will depend on the environment that is created when the two come together as one.

 

[Starpuppy]

Hmm...So you're hoping that through knowing Christ, her personality would change for the better?
What specifically would you like to see changed? The temper/anger??

You're right in saying people are changed by their relationship with Christ - the fruits of the Spirit, right?
However, it has to be a personal goal of that individual to cultivate the fruits of the spirit, and if she has seriously taken Christ as her Lord, she will do that.
But! Sinful human nature has a way of hanging around, and I'm sure none of us are as perfect as we'd like.

I'm just wanting to caution you, that hoping her personality will change because of marriage and Christ, is a HUGE assumption.

Like I admitted, I have a fiery temper, its something I struggle with daily and pray for help to stop - but sadly that temper is a huge problem for me.
I want to change it, but I slip every once and a while, and Remi (my dh) understands that.

If you want a Christian wife who loves God as much as you do, and hope it cultivates a better personality, I can understand that!
But wait to marry until you see that happening.

Don't marry and just /hope/ she changes.
Watch and see how she grows before deciding to make her your life partner.

Too many young people rush in and just hope they are compatible with their spouses - I encourage you to know for sure, and save yourself heartache.

Peace,
Niffer

Yes, I would prefer if she was less ruled over by her emotions and temper.

I know the Bible has cautioned us about marrying a scornful person and a person who pulls away from the Lord. But yet, I feel i have a role as a boyfriend to let her know Christ (though I don't really know Him that well too). She was attracted by my cell group(youth group) by their friendliness and caring hearts. I think shes attracted to the cell group than to the Lord.

But Niffer, forgive me for asking such a sensitive topic, If you knew that the Bible forbid a marriage that has a scornful partner, shouldn't you change your temper completely..i know its hard but pride over the Lord?

I dunno, i am just saying, i can work out the female mind..especially those who are more emotional..i hope you are not offended

 

[Starpuppy]

Yes, it's good that she knows Christ through you but is she doing it to get in your good graces or because she's realized that she really needs Christ in her life? Like Niffer said (again! ) and what I was getting at was don't marry her in hopes that she will change. Marry her because she HAS changed! Then you'll both grow together in Christ and in marriage.

And how hot tempered is she? What does it take to set her off? Is she that super sensitive?

I admit, the thing is holding me partly her temper and the lack of things we do together (we are always bored when we go out, at loss on that to do..but thats another topic)

Maybe its just that i am more laid back and shes the big sister of the family whereas i am the only child.

Example: She gets frustrated when her younger sister(working as a teacher) leaves her unfinished work on the table and takes a nap. She has to wake her sister up so she would not sleep throughout the night.

I told my gf that let her younger sister be, let her sister learn that she has to learn how to set a alarm clock or learn that its no good to take a nap before finishing her work..Usually thats how we start arguing, she says that i don't understand but i feel shes too protective of her sisters, they have to learn a few hard lessons

 

[Starpuppy]

That's an age-old question that wise married men will tell you to stop asking. You just have to learn to be understanding of her emotions--ALL of them--and not to escalate things when she goes "off the deep end." It's a life-long learning process.

Teach me wise married man

 

[Starpuppy]

Will a woman change after Marriage? Yes, but so will the Man.
The question is How will they change. And that will depend on the environment that is created when the two come together as one.

ah..the question as usual is..is it for the better or for the worse?

 

[Niffer]

Yes, I would prefer if she was less ruled over by her emotions and temper.

I know the Bible has cautioned us about marrying a scornful person and a person who pulls away from the Lord. But yet, I feel i have a role as a boyfriend to let her know Christ (though I don't really know Him that well too). She was attracted by my cell group(youth group) by their friendliness and caring hearts. I think shes attracted to the cell group than to the Lord.

But Niffer, forgive me for asking such a sensitive topic, If you knew that the Bible forbid a marriage that has a scornful partner, shouldn't you change your temper completely..i know its hard but pride over the Lord?

I dunno, i am just saying, i can work out the female mind..especially those who are more emotional..i hope you are not offended

Lol! You make it sound like a switch that I can just turn off!
Of course I want to get rid of it - but there's a difference between a fiery temper and scorn.
Example, if I do get into an argument with Remi, I'm generally the noisier one - I grew up in a german family where we yelled all the time. Not even in anger! We yelled when we're happy, upset, mad - you name it.
If you're Greek or Italian, you know where I'm coming from.

We were taught to wear our emotions on our sleeves, but also learned to apologize quickly, never hold grudges and accept apologies despite being still angry.

We all have our bad traits, whether it be a sharp tongue, gossiping, lying, cheating etc.

I never claimed to be perfect, and I do ask God for help when I feel myself start to get to the end of my rope.
Understand, I don't anger easily, but its when I do that I get sharp.
I also have never, ever thrown something, hit or broken anything.
Worse, I stomp around a bit.

Plus, I'm married to a French-Canadian, and while I married the one calm one, they are /known/ for their fiery tempers. Especially the women.
Remi can recall tons of times his Mum or sisters flew off the handle, and they both are happily married with children.
He's used to it, and can handle it easily.

I would love it if Remi got 'fiery' once and a while and told me how he really felt, instead of bottling it all up and walking away to fester.
I would rather have a yelling match and know whats really going on, then have him sulk for 3 days.

Silent tempers seem to have a long burn out that can last days.
I flare up, and an hour later - I'm totally passed it and ready to keep going and make up. *shrug*

So while I would love to have less of a fiery temper, I would also love to be more gentle, more caring, more considerate, more trusting...etc.
I have a laundry list of goals - I can't expect it to be "fixed" overnight because I decide to.
And its also my wiring. I love chocolate, I hate liers, and I have a temper, that I readily admit to.

Thankfully I married a man who can understand that, love me despite it, and will look past my faults, as I do his.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[citizenthom]

Teach me wise married man

No saying I'm especially wise, but from my experience with a passionate wife and a passionate family: the same genes that make her fiercely loyal, endlessly empathetic, and fiery in the bedroom also give a woman a righteous temper. She can temper the negatives somewhat, but that's always going to be her nature.

By contrast, a robot in one area is likely a robot in most others too. And from your other post I don't think you'd really want that.

 

[FaithPrevails]

the same genes that make her fiercely loyal, endlessly empathetic, and fiery in the bedroom also give a woman a righteous temper. She can temper the negatives somewhat, but that's always going to be her nature.

This is so well stated.

 

[Luther073082]

Just to throw this out there. . . I think its foolish to marry someone with the expection, hope or belief that they will change.

People will change after marriage yes. But its not always possible to predict how they will change.

If her hot temper is not easy to deal with now, you may want to consider not marrying this woman.

 

[chaz345]

Just to throw this out there. . . I think its foolish to marry someone with the expection, hope or belief that they will change.

People will change after marriage yes. But its not always possible to predict how they will change.

If her hot temper is not easy to deal with now, you may want to consider not marrying this woman.

Exactly. If there's something about them that you find in the dating process that you can't live with, to marry them expecting that it will change is unfair to both of you. If it's a specific problematic behavior that the person honestly sees as a problem and is commited to healing/changing that's a different matter. But if it's a personality thing or if it's something they don't see as a problem needing healing, then if you can't live with it, or if living with it is going to require great effort, then don't marry them.