Will a woman change after marriage?

[mkgal1]

Anyway my gf and i are really different in personality wise and well, as citizenthom said a robot..its not that i want a robot, just she being more lady like

Me : laid-back, easy-going, ready to talk things out calmly(discussion works best for me), Only kid in the family, hates shouting(mum is semi-deaf and dad is a calm cool guy)

Her: always in a rush, meticulous(she doesn't like changes to her lifestyle), always sulking, Has two younger sisters, everyone is loud in her family.

To all: what should i change for her or whats the problem here..shes not the best but shes fiercely loyal, loving towards kids, someone i would love to be the mom of my kids

True but i hate it when shes loud

I admit, the thing is holding me partly her temper and the lack of things we do together (we are always bored when we go out, at loss on that to do..but thats another topic)

Maybe its just that i am more laid back and shes the big sister of the family whereas i am the only child.

Example: She gets frustrated when her younger sister(working as a teacher) leaves her unfinished work on the table and takes a nap. She has to wake her sister up so she would not sleep throughout the night.

I told my gf that let her younger sister be, let her sister learn that she has to learn how to set a alarm clock or learn that its no good to take a nap before finishing her work..Usually thats how we start arguing, she says that i don't understand but i feel shes too protective of her sisters, they have to learn a few hard lessons

Again.......I just don't see any reason to force things.......this just sounds like a recipe for divorce....even before the marriage has happened. Marriage is difficult enough.....you don't need to borrow trouble.

 

[JaneFW]

Marriage is difficult enough.....you don't need to borrow trouble.

All I can say is "amen".

Starpuppy - again - have you talked to her about this? How close are you to even becoming engaged? Do you talk about your future together? How does she see your relationship?

 

[mkgal1]

It's a scary enough to go into a marriage, don't you think, without going into marriage knowing there is something that you "hate" about your spouse? How bad is that hate going to become when you don't get to go home and escape the loudness/tantrums/etc.

This issue is really what we were talking about awhile ago....while on the topic of compatibility. The temper issue is a matter of maturity that needs to be worked out....but, unfortunately....that will be determined based on her willingness to change & on her time schedule.

The loudness (not seeing her as being "lady-like") and not enjoying your time together, though (being bored and not having common interests?).....those aren't a matter of right/wrong.....that is who you are (Starpuppy) and who she is......and that sounds like it's going to be in constant conflict. I just don't see any benefit to that.

 

[mkgal1]

Oh.....I forgot to reply to this in my earlier post:

To all: what should i change for her or whats the problem here..shes not the best but shes fiercely loyal, loving towards kids, someone i would love to be the mom of my kids

I'm not of the belief that is what marriage is about....you aren't choosing the "mom of" your children.....you are potentially choosing a wife (something very important that Dallas mentioned earlier). While that should be a factor to consider........it shouldn't be the main concern. What if she couldn't have children at all? And what about when the children grow up? Or are just away at a friend's house for the night?

 

[dallasapple]

I agree with Laurentia and MK too..

Just look at the "loud" thing..if her normal tone of even talking is something he "hates" or he wants her to work on or adjust for HIS comfort level.. becasue its too loud for him ..Give me a break..The woman it sounds like the way he has described her and what he would like different..would have to go to speech therapy/anger management/and psychotherpapy/behavioral therapy to "learn" to be "closer" to what he seems to be desiring in a wife before hes ever even married to her..

Another thing I have noticed Starpuppy..is when it comes to describing your self..you are #1 directly comparing your self to her ..as in you have it "right' compared to her so what you are telling her is she should "be more like YOU " then she would be acceptable..#2 the sort of "glowing review you have of yourself to begin with I personally would have issue with if I was her..its beyond "confident" its more like arrogance.

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Oh.....I forgot to reply to this in my earlier post:



I'm not of the belief that is what marriage is about....you aren't choosing the "mom of" your children.....you are potentially choosing a wife (something very important that Dallas mentioned earlier). While that should be a factor to consider........it shouldn't be the main concern. What if she couldn't have children at all? And what about when the children grow up? Or are just away at a friend's house for the night?

And not only that..unless she is a mother already..he has NO idea what kind of mother she would be..in fact some of the things hes described her as such as "micro managing" if that is true there would be no reason to believe she woudnt attempt to micro manage her kids..In fact she might zone in on them and make them the target of her "control"(thats what micro managers are..control freaks) and that makes for a very high stressed out child..

Dallas

 

[mkgal1]

And not only that..unless she is a mother already..he has NO idea what kind of mother she would be..in fact some of the things hes described her as such as "micro managing" if that is true there would be no reason to believe she woudnt attempt to micro manage her kids..In fact she might zone in on them and make them the target of her "control"(thats what micro managers are..control freaks) and that makes for a very high stressed out child..

Dallas

Right. I'm also wondering if the reason she "likes" children or gets along well with them is BECAUSE they adhere to her wishes....they accept her micromanaging....but, as you are saying (Dallas, I mean)....in parenting, that is going to play out quite differently than the occasional encounter.

 

[iambren]

Lighten up, it sure seemed like a joke to me.

Niffer, that HAS been my experience/ I didn't mean it as a joke. I don't think most people are as noble as you, by "people" I mean women AND men.

Most people premarriage are blind, idealize their lover, strive to look/act their best smiling at every joke they hear for the first time. The glow post-wedding fades, reality hits, life assaults and faults once surpressed emerge. He's had a fight with his boss, the baby has kept them up all night, she's PMSing and nuclear war erupts maybe when he tells her his mom told him not to handle the baby that way!!!

Niffer, I am with you at this point. When things settle and the nuptials mature then a deep love can be learned. One that hides a multitude of sins, accepting that person for the imperfect unique being that is worthy of our love.

 

[dallasapple]

Iambren I agree...

And I have to tell you I got a great chuckle on the "he told her his MOM told him not to handle the baby that way..."

Thats not even happening to me right now and it made me MAD! LOL!!!(I felt utterly insulted!)

Dallas

 

[Niffer]

Niffer, that HAS been my experience/ I didn't mean it as a joke. I don't think most people are as noble as you, by "people" I mean women AND men.

Most people premarriage are blind, idealize their lover, strive to look/act their best smiling at every joke they hear for the first time. The glow post-wedding fades, reality hits, life assaults and faults once surpressed emerge. He's had a fight with his boss, the baby has kept them up all night, she's PMSing and nuclear war erupts maybe when he tells her his mom told him not to handle the baby that way!!!

Niffer, I am with you at this point. When things settle and the nuptials mature then a deep love can be learned. One that hides a multitude of sins, accepting that person for the imperfect unique being that is worthy of our love.

I have no problem agreeing with that.
In fact that's my largest worry about my brothers marriage - that they rushed in too quickly with thick rose-coloured glasses on.

However, I do take offense when I'm told that just because I haven't been married 10 years, I "don't know what I'm talking about." (not posted by you, Bren - it was another helpful poster.)

Just to clear things up, while I may not have been married for years and years, we've gone theough more than most couples who have.

Moving to the middle of nowhere, with no family or support.
Husband getting laid off in middle of schooling.
Moving even farther away only to find there's no work there either.
Unemployment for 7 months, huge marital strife.
Moving back, only to be laid off another year later.
Moving 5 times in the last 3 years over the distance of two provinces.
Financial issues/trouble.
Re-training.
Children.

You're right, I may not have been married 10+ years, but my marriage has been through hell and back - so pardon me for stating it made me a better person, and made my marriage grow, instead of killing it.

If this is about marriage 'expierence' I have it in spades hunny.

Peace,
- Niffer

 

[JaneFW]

I have no problem agreeing with that.
In fact that's my largest worry about my brothers marriage - that they rushed in too quickly with thick rose-coloured glasses on.

However, I do take offense when I'm told that just because I haven't been married 10 years, I "don't know what I'm talking about." (not posted by you, Bren - it was another helpful poster.)

Just to clear things up, while I may not have been married for years and years, we've gone theough more than most couples who have.

Moving to the middle of nowhere, with no family or support.
Husband getting laid off in middle of schooling.
Moving even farther away only to find there's no work there either.
Unemployment for 7 months, huge marital strife.
Moving back, only to be laid off another year later.
Moving 5 times in the last 3 years over the distance of two provinces.
Financial issues/trouble.
Re-training.
Children.

You're right, I may not have been married 10+ years, but my marriage has been through hell and back - so pardon me for stating it made me a better person, and made my marriage grow, instead of killing it.

If this is about marriage 'expierence' I have it in spades hunny.

Peace,
- Niffer

Niffer, you're all good sweetie. I think the person who posted that you don't have any experience was trying to rile you, and so the best thing to do is not allow him/her to disturb your peace of mind. You know who you are, and what your marriage is, and that is what is important, not what someone else who doesn't know you says. Sadly, some people live to make others feel uneasy.

 

[JaneFW]

Niffer, that HAS been my experience/ I didn't mean it as a joke. I don't think most people are as noble as you, by "people" I mean women AND men.

Most people premarriage are blind, idealize their lover, strive to look/act their best smiling at every joke they hear for the first time. The glow post-wedding fades, reality hits, life assaults and faults once surpressed emerge. He's had a fight with his boss, the baby has kept them up all night, she's PMSing and nuclear war erupts maybe when he tells her his mom told him not to handle the baby that way!!!

Niffer, I am with you at this point. When things settle and the nuptials mature then a deep love can be learned. One that hides a multitude of sins, accepting that person for the imperfect unique being that is worthy of our love.

FTR - I didn't think you were joking either, but I knew it was coming from a place of great pain.

 

[theWaris1]

I have no problem agreeing with that.
In fact that's my largest worry about my brothers marriage - that they rushed in too quickly with thick rose-coloured glasses on.

However, I do take offense when I'm told that just because I haven't been married 10 years, I "don't know what I'm talking about." (not posted by you, Bren - it was another helpful poster.)

Just to clear things up, while I may not have been married for years and years, we've gone theough more than most couples who have.

Moving to the middle of nowhere, with no family or support.
Husband getting laid off in middle of schooling.
Moving even farther away only to find there's no work there either.
Unemployment for 7 months, huge marital strife.
Moving back, only to be laid off another year later.
Moving 5 times in the last 3 years over the distance of two provinces.
Financial issues/trouble.
Re-training.
Children.

You're right, I may not have been married 10+ years, but my marriage has been through hell and back - so pardon me for stating it made me a better person, and made my marriage grow, instead of killing it.

If this is about marriage 'expierence' I have it in spades hunny.

Peace,
- Niffer

Looks like you've both been tried by fire. But obviously you had what it takes to make it.

 

[theWaris1]

Niffer, that HAS been my experience/ I didn't mean it as a joke. I don't think most people are as noble as you, by "people" I mean women AND men.

Most people premarriage are blind, idealize their lover, strive to look/act their best smiling at every joke they hear for the first time. The glow post-wedding fades, reality hits, life assaults and faults once surpressed emerge. He's had a fight with his boss, the baby has kept them up all night, she's PMSing and nuclear war erupts maybe when he tells her his mom told him not to handle the baby that way!!!

Niffer, I am with you at this point. When things settle and the nuptials mature then a deep love can be learned. One that hides a multitude of sins, accepting that person for the imperfect unique being that is worthy of our love.

Yes those fake smiles or the laughter at every joke becomes just sigh or a no show up years later as the new wears off.

Ever watch two kids meet and become friends? It's a similar process. They start finding everything they have in common and things are great between them. Then a short time later(days or weeks) they are pointing out the things they dislike about each other and that determines how they go from there. Pointing out the dislikes causes friction and they must deal with it, one way or another..

 

[highlife]

Life is too short to spend with a quarlsome wife, your not a kid or kids so its not really relavant how she treats kids or nuns or homeless people, when looking for a wife your looking for how she treats you or men in general. If when I was single I was dating a woman like that I would not call back after the second tirade, sometimes people have bad days so you have to cut people a break.

If its a situation where shy talks all cute to the kids and then bits your head off thats uber condesending personality and you need to disappear. Again your not a kid.

 

[kdillerd]

It really depends on the person and what the couple deals with as time goes on. In time a few changes may occur after getting married, but it happens with most married couples. So u shouldnt worry...always keep in mind, that no is perfect and is going to be perfect...It takes the husband and wife, together to be everything both needs and desires. You will grow together and learn sooo much.