Will a woman change after marriage?

[freezerman2000]

My first wife did...for the worse.
My second(who I am still happily married to, and will be for life)...exactly different.She changed, but for the better...It all depends on the individual.

 

[Luther073082]

Exactly. If there's something about them that you find in the dating process that you can't live with, to marry them expecting that it will change is unfair to both of you. If it's a specific problematic behavior that the person honestly sees as a problem and is commited to healing/changing that's a different matter. But if it's a personality thing or if it's something they don't see as a problem needing healing, then if you can't live with it, or if living with it is going to require great effort, then don't marry them.

With the nature of a temper like that. . . I really would not marry them until I actually saw the improvement or change.

 

[chaz345]

With the nature of a temper like that. . . I really would not marry them until I actually saw the improvement or change.

Seeing evidence would be included, IMO, in the whole commitment to change, especially for something as deeply ingrained as a personality trait or a defense mechanism.

 

[dallasapple]

First of all I just want to say having a "hot temper" is not only an 'age old question" that "wise married men" have learned not to question about their wife...For each "fiery tempered " woman Im sure there is at least one man.

As far as that specific trait changing..I think it very well could..if she attends some sort of behavioral therapy and addresses it with dertermination to learn how to not be so 'hot tempered"..

If left alone its a crap shoot..she could stay the same..get worse..or mellow out over time.

But if she is already feeling sort of a 'freedom" to behave in that manner beforehand(marriage)..I would venture to imagine its possible you havent "seen the worst"..

One thing most people will say marriage did change for them..is there level of "comfort' to be themselves ..and that includes the negatives..

Dallas

 

[JaneFW]

Blind post: I think that everyone changes all the time - and it's not necessarily the marriage that causes the changing. That's why young marriages can work out badly (not saying they all do!!!) because at 18/19/20 you are changing SO much, I mean not even really an adult yet mentally and emotionally. When I look back at 18, it's hilarious. I was crazy. Yes, even crazier than I am now. And I don't mean in a funny way. I did insane things. I'm so glad I didn't get married then. I would probably have killed my husband or he would have killed me - probably the latter.

If a b/f or g/f has a trait that you cannot get along with, it makes sense to say to them "I struggle with the fact that you ___" If the other says "I don't care" then you know you are not with the right person anyway. If they say "I didn't know it was a problem", then you can talk it over and let them know how you are experiencing their temper or whatever, and that you aren't sure that you could have a life with someone who was lashing out, or aggressive, or however the temper manifests itself. If that person, knowing it is a problem, does not make an effort to get that issue under control, then I simply would not marry them. Period. You don't put a wedding ring on a person and they become the right spouse. They should be the right spouse (and so should you) before the ring goes on.

Perhaps the g/f in this case does not even consider herself to have a temper. All families are different. I am the mom of what I know is a very noisy family. None of my boys or h think they are loud, but oh my goodness they are!! Super loud. Typical Texans!! (Sorry Dallas!) I sometimes have to go upstairs and close my bedroom door to get peace and quiet. It's not a major issue, but it's interesting that none of my boys or h think they are at all loud, and think that they communicate very normally. The g/f may think that her temper is entirely normal too.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I admit, the thing is holding me partly her temper and the lack of things we do together (we are always bored when we go out, at loss on that to do..but thats another topic)

Maybe its just that i am more laid back and shes the big sister of the family whereas i am the only child.

Example: She gets frustrated when her younger sister(working as a teacher) leaves her unfinished work on the table and takes a nap. She has to wake her sister up so she would not sleep throughout the night.

I told my gf that let her younger sister be, let her sister learn that she has to learn how to set a alarm clock or learn that its no good to take a nap before finishing her work..Usually thats how we start arguing, she says that i don't understand but i feel shes too protective of her sisters, they have to learn a few hard lessons

Women (and people in general) are who they are. Someone with a temper is usually going to end up having a temper. People don't magically change when you put a ring on the finger.

Honestly, it sounds to me like it's not her temper that needs changing. How long have you known her and her sister? And, how long has SHE known her sister? Yeah, her sister and she have known each other longer than you have, so let them handle their own disagreements and stop trying to butt in.

You need to learn to not try to control everything, and not try to use the Bible to browbeat your girlfriend (by the way, as her boyfriend, you are not the "spiritual leader" until you put a ring on it)

 

[Starpuppy]

Lol! You make it sound like a switch that I can just turn off!
Of course I want to get rid of it - but there's a difference between a fiery temper and scorn.
Example, if I do get into an argument with Remi, I'm generally the noisier one - I grew up in a german family where we yelled all the time. Not even in anger! We yelled when we're happy, upset, mad - you name it.
If you're Greek or Italian, you know where I'm coming from.

We were taught to wear our emotions on our sleeves, but also learned to apologize quickly, never hold grudges and accept apologies despite being still angry.

We all have our bad traits, whether it be a sharp tongue, gossiping, lying, cheating etc.

I never claimed to be perfect, and I do ask God for help when I feel myself start to get to the end of my rope.
Understand, I don't anger easily, but its when I do that I get sharp.
I also have never, ever thrown something, hit or broken anything.
Worse, I stomp around a bit.

I would love it if Remi got 'fiery' once and a while and told me how he really felt, instead of bottling it all up and walking away to fester.
I would rather have a yelling match and know whats really going on, then have him sulk for 3 days.

Silent tempers seem to have a long burn out that can last days.
I flare up, and an hour later - I'm totally passed it and ready to keep going and make up. *shrug*

So while I would love to have less of a fiery temper, I would also love to be more gentle, more caring, more considerate, more trusting...etc.
I have a laundry list of goals - I can't expect it to be "fixed" overnight because I decide to.
And its also my wiring. I love chocolate, I hate liers, and I have a temper, that I readily admit to.

Thankfully I married a man who can understand that, love me despite it, and will look past my faults, as I do his.

Peace,
- Niffer

You sure are lucky Niffer And yes, i wish you ladies have a on/off switch for temper

Anyway my gf and i are really different in personality wise and well, as citizenthom said a robot..its not that i want a robot, just she being more lady like

Me : laid-back, easy-going, ready to talk things out calmly(discussion works best for me), Only kid in the family, hates shouting(mum is semi-deaf and dad is a calm cool guy)

Her: always in a rush, meticulous(she doesn't like changes to her lifestyle), always sulking, Has two younger sisters, everyone is loud in her family.

To all: what should i change for her or whats the problem here..shes not the best but shes fiercely loyal, loving towards kids, someone i would love to be the mom of my kids

 

[Starpuppy]

Perhaps the g/f in this case does not even consider herself to have a temper. All families are different. I am the mom of what I know is a very noisy family. None of my boys or h think they are loud, but oh my goodness they are!! Super loud. Typical Texans!! (Sorry Dallas!) I sometimes have to go upstairs and close my bedroom door to get peace and quiet. It's not a major issue, but it's interesting that none of my boys or h think they are at all loud, and think that they communicate very normally. The g/f may think that her temper is entirely normal too.

True but i hate it when shes loud

 

[Starpuppy]

Women (and people in general) are who they are. Someone with a temper is usually going to end up having a temper. People don't magically change when you put a ring on the finger.

Honestly, it sounds to me like it's not her temper that needs changing. How long have you known her and her sister? And, how long has SHE known her sister? Yeah, her sister and she have known each other longer than you have, so let them handle their own disagreements and stop trying to butt in.

You need to learn to not try to control everything, and not try to use the Bible to browbeat your girlfriend (by the way, as her boyfriend, you are not the "spiritual leader" until you put a ring on it)

I understand and i know i should stop butting in her family affairs but come on, her sisters are 22,21. She should really stop worrying if they have done their work or sleep early so they can have enough sleep.

I just want her to let her sisters learn on their own, you know, she is not going to take care of them forever, they have to learn and grow somehow. A protective sister does not help them and frankly speaking, it hurts me because she can benefit from good health by being less angry

 

[ImperialPhantom]

I understand and i know i should stop butting in her family affairs but come on, her sisters are 22,21. She should really stop worrying if they have done their work or sleep early so they can have enough sleep.

I just want her to let her sisters learn on their own, you know, she is not going to take care of them forever, they have to learn and grow somehow. A protective sister does not help them and frankly speaking, it hurts me because she can benefit from good health by being less angry

So you want her to stop butting in but you refuse to stop butting in, but somehow see it as ok for you to do cuz you're the guy. Please dude, you sound like a controlling know it all.

 

[JaneFW]

True but i hate it when shes loud

If you "hate it", then you should not marry her.

Have you had the kind of conversation that I outlined above where you let her know that that these things bother you? She's not psychic, and she probably has no idea, unless you have told her, that her temper bothers you. You can either talk to her about it, and see what you can work out with her, or you need to tell her goodbye. You can't marry someone then 6 months down the road complain that she has a temper. Take it from someone who did not find out the bad stuff until after marriage - if there is a deal breaker before marriage, don't make the deal!

 

[dallasapple]

So you want her to stop butting in but you refuse to stop butting in, but somehow see it as ok for you to do cuz you're the guy. Please dude, you sound like a controlling know it all.

I agree..I dont know if he feels this entitelment to "correct" his GF's behavior because hes a "guy" or just simply because he seems to think his way is right and her way is wrong.

I also agree with CitizenTom..her fiery temper is a "passionate" trait..I think unless its get ABUSIVE what you Staruppy are trying to change about her could for lack of better terms her "zest"..for life showing..

Right off the bat you are sizing her up for marriage and what YOU need out of her..You like this and that ..loyal ...would be a great mom to your children..so next you move on to what is is you want HER to change.Like you are trying to "tweak" her or mold her into YOUR ideal woman for a wife.

If her temper is already something you know isnt something you could live with you should leave her alone ..Your example of how she should let her sister learn by not intervening when she takes a nap before her work is done is how YOU would handle it if YOU were her...that doenst mean SHE is "wrong" and your way is better..YOU arent her and you shouldnt try and step in her way ..and say "here is how you SHOULD handle it because I KNOW the best way"..

Im sorry a loving supportive BF wouldn't see that as somethign to critisize..but something to admire her for..Instead of saying your 'butting in" and and you SHOULD let the sister learn the "hard way"..Why not encourage her and tell her that she is a wonderful and caring sister?..That her sister is blessed to have her?Because thats the way many might see the same thing you are critisizing.

But see thats not how YOU think..because thats not your nature..I think you are seeing her differences ..like how she is different than you as a right and wrong ..way of being..

If you are already this critical of the girl..thats a bad attitude to have..and you are saying as her "boyfriend" you are trying to show her or guide her to this way or that..Well did you ever think she doesnt need or want your "guidence"?..and especially its clear your concern is what kind of a wife she would make you ..you said "she's NOT the best BUT she is loyal and would make a great mom"..then quoted some scripture about how its not right or good to live with a wife thats quarellsome"(again your self interest)..you have portrayed your self as well as a "good guy" easy going laid back kind of guy..against her faults..

As well as you are already suspicious of her interest in the Lord..you said you think she was more interested in your group of caring friendly people than the Lord..

So I guess my point is what you even say you like about her ..is her future mothering traits..and the fact shes loyal..All Im saying is maybe you should wait for a woman that is loyal..appears to have an affection for children..that also has a quiet demeanor about herself..thats already a Christian when you meet her so there isnt a suspicion shes got the wrong motives behind her acceptnace of Christ.

The only problem is..I have a suspicion ..the way you are sounding here..you might end up focussing on THAT womans "differences" from you and want to change that about her..

Maybe thats YOUR issue..that since you are an only child..you never had to compromise and make room for the personalities and "quirks" of any siblings that you had to find a way to accept and adapt to?

Dallas

 

[citizenthom]

FWIW, I did not mean to suggest that it is OK for someone of either gender to be explosively angry with his or her partner; just that it's a tendency that is part of a person's nature that will only change with work, over time, and then only by degrees.

Also, since no one else has mentioned it: sex helps sometimes.

 

[FaithPrevails]

FWIW, I did not mean to suggest that it is OK for someone of either gender to be explosively angry with his or her partner; just that it's a tendency that is part of a person's nature that will only change with work, over time, and then only by degrees.

Also, since no one else has mentioned it: sex helps sometimes.

I got what you meant. Having a fiery temper doesn't mean it's OK to let it loose whenever.

I'm actually fairly slow to burn but once my fuse is lit, I've got quite a temper. Learning to control it or turn it back down once it has gotten kicked up has been a lifelong process for me. I will never be one of those people who never shows their temper, but I do have a relatively good handle on it overall.

 

[JaneFW]

FWIW, I did not mean to suggest that it is OK for someone of either gender to be explosively angry with his or her partner; just that it's a tendency that is part of a person's nature that will only change with work, over time, and then only by degrees.

Also, since no one else has mentioned it: sex helps sometimes.

They're not married!

 

[citizenthom]

They're not married!

I know; that would qualify as a "change after marriage" of course.

 

[JaneFW]

I know; that would qualify as a "change after marriage" of course.

Would you marry someone with a habit that you "hate" in the hope that sex would make that person less inclined to indulge that habit?

 

[Niffer]

FWIW, I did not mean to suggest that it is OK for someone of either gender to be explosively angry with his or her partner; just that it's a tendency that is part of a person's nature that will only change with work, over time, and then only by degrees.

Also, since no one else has mentioned it: sex helps sometimes.

....

I dunno, I would definitely classify myself as one of those 'fiery/passionate' ladies, and if I'm upset over something, the absolute /last/ thing I want is sex.

I think you're describing more sex having a 'mellowing' effect, yes? And while it can, I don't really think thats applicable to fixing a personality trait...

There is a line between abusive anger and passion.
I am a noisy, throw-my-head-back-and-laugh, energetic person. The way I display anger is completely different from that of my husbands.

However, I don't think that makes me more "wrong" then he is.
Yes, I get loud, but I don't sulk and don't hold grudges.

And while I don't think displaying your anger like that should be considered good - I do know I'm happy I married a calmer, quieter man who can help me calm down; while Remi has told me I pull him out of his shell and force him to talk about issues when he'd rather be 'non-confrontational'.

Opposites do attract for the most part, and there's a reason for that.

But, if the OP's girlfriend has an abusive anger problem, thats a big red flag. If he thinks he can't handle her temper, then he might need to re-think the relationship.

 

[dallasapple]

....

I dunno, I would definitely classify myself as one of those 'fiery/passionate' ladies, and if I'm upset over something, the absolute /last/ thing I want is sex.

I think you're describing more sex having a 'mellowing' effect, yes? And while it can, I don't really think thats applicable to fixing a personality trait...

There is a line between abusive anger and passion.
I am a noisy, throw-my-head-back-and-laugh, energetic person. The way I display anger is completely different from that of my husbands.

However, I don't think that makes me more "wrong" then he is.
Yes, I get loud, but I don't sulk and don't hold grudges.

And while I don't think displaying your anger like that should be considered good - I do know I'm happy I married a calmer, quieter man who can help me calm down; while Remi has told me I pull him out of his shell and force him to talk about issues when he'd rather be 'non-confrontational'.

Opposites do attract for the most part, and there's a reason for that.

But, if the OP's girlfriend has an abusive anger problem, thats a big red flag. If he thinks he can't handle her temper, then he might need to re-think the relationship.

I agree on the sex..the thought of having sex when Im angry makes me litterally nauseated..The two not only dont mix..Its a repelling thought.

I know for me anger produces a fight or flight response..or even one then the other..Im in "protective mode" not open up and be sexual mode..

Of course I have to agree in general..sex for the average person under the right circumstances is part of a healthy way to promote an in general feeling of well being in the mind and body..

Dallas

 

[FaithPrevails]

I wonder if Thom meant "make up" sex. My hubby commented on that once and I told him I would prefer we just have a rowdy session in bed and skip the fight.