Fixed up by people you don't know...

[Im_A]

Wiley,

You are right. I am honest here and in real life. The thing is, I am trying to figure out how to be honest in this situation in a way that doesn't cause me major grief and headache down the road. One of the lady's trying to set me up is my head wrestling coach's wife and she also is the sponsor/coach for our mat maid girls that travel everywhere with us. So I have to work closely with her all year. Most of the time, I simply wouldn't care and just say "no thanks." Here, i am just trying to figure out how to say the same thing without making the rest of the school year totally miserable for myself.

Coach

You could just go out as friends and nothing romantic. Then maybe you'd make a new friend. Two, you did good to the head wrestling coach's wife. Three, your not doing anything deceptive and you have no reason to get into any reason why you two aren't 'working out'. No reason to say, "sorry I'm not physically attracted to your daughter" if the bar is set at friends only and no dishonesty/fake platitudes being given to anyone.

 

[mina]

I never agree to being fixed up by people who i don't trust.
I would just say that I don't want to be fixed up and don't like going on blind dates.

I once said yes to being fixed up by a co-worker. I figured i'd give it a try and the girl wanting to fix me up was around my age and we were semi friends so I thought she would know someone halfway decent..... NEVER AGAIN. The guy like lived in his mom's basement and had only come out in his 30 years to see the original star wars. And he had a belt buckle bigger than my head!!!! The only reason she thought we would be good together was we were around the same age and both single. It turns out she didn't know him that well and she really didn't know me that well either. All she knew is that i was single and a christian.....



I wouldn't mind being fixed up by someone or another couple that knew me well though and if they also knew the guy well too and they sincerely thought we would be a good match for one another. But the whole, "you're single and they're single so you should get to gether" thing just doesn't work and is sort of insulting.

 

[CoachR64]

Schmoe,

I get what you are saying, but I don't view dating in the same way. For me, I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex. If I am going to go out with someone, I want it to be someone I am attracted to on a romantic level. It may sound harsh, but at this point in my life, I don't want to waste my time and money on going out with girls that I am not attracted to and with whom I have no desire to even consider pursuing a relationship.

I don't like a lot of people in my business. Last couple of times I went out with people I worked with/relatives of people I work with, everyone at work was all up in my business every day about what was going on. It drove me absolutely insane. I think my new policy is that I refuse to date anyone I work with or their relatives.... at least until I work with a really hot single chick that wants to go out with me, then I might reconsider my stand.

Coach

 

[Beige Panda]

Had something like this happen... someone I met several weeks ago decided she wanted to see me again (she's married), so she invited me out.

Had some of her friends there... first introduction goes something like this: "Hey, this is my friend. She's single! He's single, too." I'm not anywhere near as shy as I used to be, and the girl was cute, but that intro made my social anxiety come back with a vengeance. Basically eliminated any possibility of a normal conversation, and of course there's no way SHE'S gonna start a convo with me. Talking about gender roles here, I actually think I'm quite attractive

People who have been married so long they don't remember what it's like to be single just don't get it. Even crazier, my parents are going through a divorce right now (bomb was dropped 2-3 months ago) and people are already trying to hook them up. Some people are just dumb and do things without thinking. Just try to take it in stride

 

[Inkachu]

I don't agree with going out just cause "you might make a new friend" either, Coach. There's always a chance one person will be smitten and other won't, and then you're dealing with hurt feelings and confusion that could've been completely avoided. Bottom line: if there's no mutual attraction, WHY the heck go out? Well, that's just how I see it.

 

[Inkachu]

Beige, so sorry to hear about your parents

 

[Apollo Celestio]

Gah, why can't we just love people.

 

[Wren]

You could just go out as friends and nothing romantic. Then maybe you'd make a new friend. Two, you did good to the head wrestling coach's wife. Three, your not doing anything deceptive and you have no reason to get into any reason why you two aren't 'working out'. No reason to say, "sorry I'm not physically attracted to your daughter" if the bar is set at friends only and no dishonesty/fake platitudes being given to anyone.

A problem with that (in addition to what Inkabink said about possible hurt feelings) is that it sets a precedence. Once he agrees to be set up, it opens him up to being bothered even more to being set up. Whereas if he says no now, it'll send a message that they shouldn't bother him with possible dates.

 

[Blank123]

I could understand why that would be awkward, i think if you told them, like Ink said "no, thanks" that should be enough. you're entiteld to keep your reasons private. But if you feel like elaborating just tell them about the fact that you're not comfortable being set up, or dating a coworker's daughter. That way you're being truthful but its not personal against the girl or your coworkers.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

I wouldn't object to being set up by anyone.

 

[Wren]

I didn't object to being set up either until it was clear that many people don't put any real thought into set ups. It takes more than two people being single for a good match, but try telling that to amateur matchmakers.

 

[CoachR64]

I don't object to being set up by people I know well. Because they tend to know more what I am looking for. My problem comes when people who don't know me try to set me up, because they don't have a clue what I am looking for. And I have had them act like I offended them when I don't want to date the person they try and set me up with. Even if you are using an internet service, at least you can look at someone's interests, education, hobbies, etc... Here, it is just one of those "they are both single, let's hook them up" situations. I just wish people would get over the whole "singleness is a disease that must be cured!" idea when it comes to me and just let me be happy.

Coach

 

[Stravinsk]

I feel bad, because I basicly said "hello" immediately followed by "I gotta go. Gotta get up stairs and get set up for stats" and took off as fast as I could.

This puts me in a weird position because I like the ladies I work with, and I don't know how to say "look, I'm just not interested in your daughter" without hurting feelings. Being that it is the daughter of someone I have to work with is just making it really uncomfortable.

1) Don't feel bad for displaying non-interest. Being polite but showing you have other priorities (checking stats in this case) is a subtle way of displaying your lack of interest. Women may think you are either shy or dis-interested.

2) If the message isn't getting through and it keeps getting pressed(daughter keeps popping up, hints keep getting dropped) you simply have to man-up and tell your female co-worker(or daughter) that you are not interested. You *do not* need to tell them why. That's your business.

*Do not* feel bad for hurting feelings when you have given them no encouragement or reason to have feelings for you. The fact that you work with the daughter's mother should'nt make it difficult if she is a reasonable person. A little tact goes a long way in the telling, though.

I had to do this some time ago with some good friends of mine who were trying to set me up with their neice. Niece nor Aunt was getting the message, and as I knew the Aunt(my friend) was behind it, I had to tell her straight up. Was a little awkward at the time - but we are still friends.

 

[PaulDavid]

Hey man..

I just wanted to share a laugh with you, I am the "String bean" version of you, six foot two but only 180.. and very tall women just.. aren't my thing.

Brother, you can't help what you like. "It is what it is". I wouldn't expect anyone to apologise for having a particular taste, especially me. We have what we like and that is how it goes.

Also, as far as ducking past this one. You could either go American Psycho and say "Sorry, I have to return some video tapes." or you could say "I'm not emotionally ready for dating." That line doesn't make sense to guys but girls all seem to nod their head knowingly for some reason.

I wish I had better advice for tactfully declining brother. I'd say the conflict of interest would be something to consider.

 

[Im_A]

Schmoe,

I get what you are saying, but I don't view dating in the same way. For me, I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex. If I am going to go out with someone, I want it to be someone I am attracted to on a romantic level. It may sound harsh, but at this point in my life, I don't want to waste my time and money on going out with girls that I am not attracted to and with whom I have no desire to even consider pursuing a relationship.

I don't like a lot of people in my business. Last couple of times I went out with people I worked with/relatives of people I work with, everyone at work was all up in my business every day about what was going on. It drove me absolutely insane. I think my new policy is that I refuse to date anyone I work with or their relatives.... at least until I work with a really hot single chick that wants to go out with me, then I might reconsider my stand.

Coach

I understand what your saying man. Nothing wrong with that either. I think that's smart too because I took someone out as a friend. We had a great time. We worked together at my last job. Then bam, everyone wants to know if I/we did this or that or if we're together.

The best thing I could say is repeat what Stravnisk said. No guy should be apologetic for saying no to a girl based on looks. Every girl does it as well so the guy is free to do it and we both know there is nothing wrong with it. Maybe just saying I'm not interested would be the best move. There's no need for anyone to know, and it is the direct way of kicking in the butt to where there hopefully would be no pestering about it etc.

Plus, say they are offended. It is their problem at that point. You didn't do anything wrong. You didn't do anything offensive. It becomes their problem for that point on.

 

[CoachR64]

Just to clarify, I have no problem telling girls I am not interested. The problem here is telling other women I work closely with that I am not interested in that girl. I can handle girls thinking I'm a jerk or whatever for not liking them. That doesn't bother me. I just don't want to cause any unnecessary tension/stress at work since this is my first year at this school.

To add to it all, I just talked to my buddy. I am ready to kick his head in... He was the one who warned me they were trying to fix me up. Well, he confessed today that when they showed him the picture of the girl, he told them they should go for it because I would probably like her, knowing good and well I wouldn't. So, in order to not say anything bad, he threw me under the bus.

Coach

 

[Stravinsk]

Just to clarify, I have no problem telling girls I am not interested. The problem here is telling other women I work closely with that I am not interested in that girl. I can handle girls thinking I'm a jerk or whatever for not liking them. That doesn't bother me. I just don't want to cause any unnecessary tension/stress at work since this is my first year at this school.

To add to it all, I just talked to my buddy. I am ready to kick his head in... He was the one who warned me they were trying to fix me up. Well, he confessed today that when they showed him the picture of the girl, he told them they should go for it because I would probably like her, knowing good and well I wouldn't. So, in order to not say anything bad, he threw me under the bus.

Coach

Just a few suggestions:

A) Tell your buddy to fix it because he is the one that started it
B) Keep displaying your lack of interest.
C) Confront the mother with the whole scenario and tell her that it is making you uncomfortable because of the position you are in with both her and your newness at the school. You might also drop the hint that if things didn't work out with her daughter it could very well cause a strain on your relationship with her.

A,B is what I'd do first. C becomes neccessary disclosure if the issue is pressed.

 

[Im_A]

Just to clarify, I have no problem telling girls I am not interested. The problem here is telling other women I work closely with that I am not interested in that girl. I can handle girls thinking I'm a jerk or whatever for not liking them. That doesn't bother me. I just don't want to cause any unnecessary tension/stress at work since this is my first year at this school.

Wouldn't it be better to take the risk of causing tension at work by being honest non-offensively than trying to find a way to suck up to the other women at work about it? Because if try to 'save face' which there should be no reason for you to save face over this, your going to have to explain a pretty simple and common sense thing and you shouldn't have to. Its your business.

To add to it all, I just talked to my buddy. I am ready to kick his head in... He was the one who warned me they were trying to fix me up. Well, he confessed today that when they showed him the picture of the girl, he told them they should go for it because I would probably like her, knowing good and well I wouldn't. So, in order to not say anything bad, he threw me under the bus.

Coach

LOL...see that is what happens when us guy try to be 'considerate' ya know? We know that women are so reactionary if we say to them, "Sorry but we're not attracted to you" that we feel like we have to resort to levels to try to save face.

 

[Stravinsk]

LOL...see that is what happens when us guy try to be 'considerate' ya know? We know that women are so reactionary if we say to them, "Sorry but we're not attracted to you" that we feel like we have to resort to levels to try to save face.

Hehe. Pretty unfair, isn't it? I know that certain women won't date me because I smoke (in fact it was listed many times in the "deal breakers" thread) - and I understand perfectly and am fine with it.

But why do I need to dance on eggshells if I mention that (her)weight is a problem for me? It's a problem not only because it's unattractive and usually means more health problems down the road - but also because I'd prefer someone with whom I am not tempted to eat alot of un-healthy food with - because eating healthy is very important to me - *especially because I smoke and drink*.

 

[PaulDavid]

In liu of this new information I really see you as having only two options.

1) Not-so-mature. This is no longer a Daughter.. but a "Hot Potato" and right now you have the potato. To return the potato you can tell the mother "My friend thought she was gorgeous... but was too nervous to say anything.. but I'd rather see him happy with her since he feels that way, I just wouldn't feel right, ya know?"

2) The right thing to do: Just tell the lady "Listen, I just don't want to date right now, please don't take it the wrong way but, I just need to focus on other things and that would be a distraction."