Relationship ended because of Christianity

[AndyUK]

Hi,
First post and really need some advice or answers please.

I'm from the UK, 43 years old and have been living with my Girlfriend/Fiancee for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son.

Around 2 years ago my Girlfriend joined a local church and has been going regularly, she has got more and more involved as the time has gone by, to the point now where she says she is a devout Christian and wants to be born again.
I don't really get involved, I've been to an outside function last year and met a few of her friends from church but I've never attended.

She's always known that I have no religion, it never really seemed to be a problem, she has asked numerous times if I ever thought I would become a Christian or at least come and see.

I never really said I wouldn't, then again, I never said I would.

She now drops a bombshell on me that it is a sin to live together while not married and also that she doesn't want to get married so therefore we have to split up and I have to move out.

There is no changing her mind and I am extremely upset by this, devastated would be a better word.

Not only do I lose someone that I love but my son does not have me there with him.

I cannot believe that God would want to split a family up because of this.

Our relationship wasn't as good as it was, but we got on, we went on holidays and we were fairly happy, everything that was needed I provided.

Whatever problems we have I would have done anything I could to sort those problems out than split a family up.

I can understand that peoples feelings change over time, it's bound to happen.
She says she wants to be with people who are more like her and give their life to God.

I'm having a hard time understanding this or accepting this as I believe that we would still be together and not splitting up if she had not started to attend church 2 years ago.

I even prayed for the first time in my life in the hope that it would help us stay together.

Andy.

 

[Aibrean]

Are you willing to marry her? If you are it seems that she isn't wanting to legitimize anything. According to the Bible she has the right to leave (if she was married) only if it was okay with you ("if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him"). God wouldn't want a family split up because of this I'm sure ("For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy."). Remember, she wasn't a Christian before 2 years ago (after your son was born). She can't blame you for "ignorance".

So where are you spiritually? I'm sure if you were a Christian as well this would be a mute point (by the way it seems she is acting that's all she wants) and I am by no means suggesting to "become a Christian" to please her because that would be a lie. Becoming a Christian in my book is not something you just "decide to do", it's a spiritual thing, you have to be led to it and both understand and want it.

I would say the most logical thing to do with her is continue to live at the same location but not "together" especially since you have a child together.

Faith is very important in a relationship and it is very hard if you can't share it together.

 

[AndyUK]

Hi,
Thanks for the reply.

Yes, I would marry her, I proposed 4 years ago.

She would love for me to become a Christian but that wouldn't change anything between us she has said.

Although she only started going to Church 2 years ago she has been a Christian for many years, it's just the last 2 years that it has changed her life by getting deeper and deeper into it.

Andy.

 

[Aibrean]

If she really was a Christian and knew the Bible she wouldn't have had a relationship with you in the first place (I am guilty of the same thing, we sometimes get blinded by our own wants...but that relationship swiftly ended and there wasn't sexual activity involved). Because you have a child together I think that the best thing is for you to get married. That's my personal opinion. The Bible isn't clear on your specific situation but like I said, if you were married she would stay because you'd be willing to be with her still (just as you are now).

Let's just put it this way - her actions are hindering your development into even wanting to be a Christian. The reason why the Bible has a Christian woman stay with a non-Christian man is so that he can learn the love of God through her love and commitment to him. BUT if the unbeliever wants to leave then they should do so without a fight to keep the peace.

 

[[serious]]

What she is doing is not biblically supported. She is likely trying to justify what she wants by trying to say it's because of God. Have things otherwise been on the rocks?

If she turned down a marriage proposal 4 years ago she is either not interested anymore or has commitment issues.

 

[Tenken07]

Actually, yea, what shes doing isnt biblical....... she should stay with you. You have a kid, and your fine with her being christian.

 

[AndyUK]

Hi,
Not exactly on the rocks, maybe a bit stagnant which wasn't helped by the fact that about a year ago when our son got sick she moved him into our bed and I temporarily moved into his bedroom,
Don't ask me why it lasted a year but it got convenient and I really should have done something about it.

I think she's just lost those feelings for me and met other people at church who she has more in common with now.

You can't blame someone if their feelings change, it happens.

I would have liked to have the chance tried to try and rectify any problems first.

Theres absolutely no problem seeing my son, I have access when I want it.

As WiccanIdealist has said, I can't change her mind.

I'll move on, I'll get on with my life, not exactly how I had mapped it but I'm sure it will be ok.
She said she still loves me but not in that way, whatever 'that way' is.

She tells me she is getting baptised in July.

If everything she is doing is going to make her happy thats a good thing for her.

I will still be in her life because of our son.

What she is doing is not biblically supported. She is likely trying to justify what she wants by trying to say it's because of God. Have things otherwise been on the rocks?

If she turned down a marriage proposal 4 years ago she is either not interested anymore or has commitment issues.

 

[WiccanIdealist]

I have seen, personally, many relationships broken up because of a conversion to fundamentalist Christianity. It is very sad and I feel for you.

If a religion destroys a beautiful relationship filled with true and graceful love, it is personally no religion I would ever consider following. I don't understand how someone can tell you that they love you and only you but also destroy the relationship that you both built together. If non-Christians can love Christians inspite of their different beliefs, the fundamentalists can atleast show the same courtesy and not break the heart of the one they say they truly loved.

I would have to agree with this. Love is love and should not be ripped apart because of beliefs.
​

 

[EyezOFire]

Hi,
First post and really need some advice or answers please.

I'm from the UK, 43 years old and have been living with my Girlfriend/Fiancee for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son.

Around 2 years ago my Girlfriend joined a local church and has been going regularly, she has got more and more involved as the time has gone by, to the point now where she says she is a devout Christian and wants to be born again.
I don't really get involved, I've been to an outside function last year and met a few of her friends from church but I've never attended.

She's always known that I have no religion, it never really seemed to be a problem, she has asked numerous times if I ever thought I would become a Christian or at least come and see.

I never really said I wouldn't, then again, I never said I would.

She now drops a bombshell on me that it is a sin to live together while not married and also that she doesn't want to get married so therefore we have to split up and I have to move out.

There is no changing her mind and I am extremely upset by this, devastated would be a better word.

Not only do I lose someone that I love but my son does not have me there with him.

I cannot believe that God would want to split a family up because of this.

Our relationship wasn't as good as it was, but we got on, we went on holidays and we were fairly happy, everything that was needed I provided.

Whatever problems we have I would have done anything I could to sort those problems out than split a family up.

I can understand that peoples feelings change over time, it's bound to happen.
She says she wants to be with people who are more like her and give their life to God.

I'm having a hard time understanding this or accepting this as I believe that we would still be together and not splitting up if she had not started to attend church 2 years ago.

I even prayed for the first time in my life in the hope that it would help us stay together.

Andy.

First of all I want to say I feel for you my friend, you definately in a tough spot, and I know it hurts beyond belief. It sounds to me that you were okay with her faith, that you were not against it, nor for it. It does say in the Bible people shouldnt co-habitat and what not. I get that part Now having said that- I think the bigger issue is her not wanting to get married, I dont think the issue is so much of living together, but rather afraid of commitment. Because if it were about that issue, then you could solve it by getting married. That's if you both loved one another and were willing. As another poster said "Love triumphs over all" And I absolutely agree. So she could be using that issue of cohabitation, as an excuse to run out of the relationship. The whole reason the Bible warns against co-habitation is to avoid the situation you're currently in, because these things cause people heart-ache and pain. God truely has good intentions for people and he doesnt want to them to be in situtations similar to yours . I think the fault lies more with whats in her heart than with God wanting to split up your family.

 

[seashale76]

Hi,
First post and really need some advice or answers please.

I'm from the UK, 43 years old and have been living with my Girlfriend/Fiancee for 8 years and we have a 5 year old son.

Around 2 years ago my Girlfriend joined a local church and has been going regularly, she has got more and more involved as the time has gone by, to the point now where she says she is a devout Christian and wants to be born again.
I don't really get involved, I've been to an outside function last year and met a few of her friends from church but I've never attended.

She's always known that I have no religion, it never really seemed to be a problem, she has asked numerous times if I ever thought I would become a Christian or at least come and see.

I never really said I wouldn't, then again, I never said I would.

She now drops a bombshell on me that it is a sin to live together while not married and also that she doesn't want to get married so therefore we have to split up and I have to move out.

There is no changing her mind and I am extremely upset by this, devastated would be a better word.

Not only do I lose someone that I love but my son does not have me there with him.

I cannot believe that God would want to split a family up because of this.

Our relationship wasn't as good as it was, but we got on, we went on holidays and we were fairly happy, everything that was needed I provided.

Whatever problems we have I would have done anything I could to sort those problems out than split a family up.

I can understand that peoples feelings change over time, it's bound to happen.
She says she wants to be with people who are more like her and give their life to God.

I'm having a hard time understanding this or accepting this as I believe that we would still be together and not splitting up if she had not started to attend church 2 years ago.

I even prayed for the first time in my life in the hope that it would help us stay together.

Andy.

Ah, this is difficult. The fact that you have a child together, and other than the difference in belief thing it seems like your relationship was fine otherwise. Are you willing to marry her? It would solve the dilemma from a Christian perspective. However, technically, according to scripture even, as long as you're willing to marry her and stay with her she has no reason to leave you.

 

[DeaconDean]

Mod Hat On!​

I have been forced into doing this.​

The rules state, that is, at least for the time being:​

This is a struggle forum for non-christians where christians can provide support, advice and prayers.

If you are not a Christian, then according to the current rules, you should not be offering advice.​

Please do not make me close this thread.​

Mod Hat Off!​

God Bless​

Till all are one.​

 

[liftmeup]

I have to suggest the possibilty that she is using the conversion as an excuse. I'm not doubting she has found faith, she probably has, but there may be other reasons to end the relationship. It's the only explanation I can find, because the logical step would be to marry, wouldn't it???
Plus, she has an obligation to your child. It's odd and I'm sorry for you man. But look, these things hurt but eventually the pain subsides and we get back on track. I really pray she will come to her senses and accept your proposal. Blessings to you all...

 

[Aibrean]

A quick note to many of the posters in this thread: do NOT use the Bible as material for relationship advice.

Why? This thread is specifically for non-Christians to get advice FROM CHRISTIANS. There is no rule against using the Bible and it's very important for this specific case because you need to "fight fire with fire". The OP's gf is a Christian. How can he understand what her reasoning is if he doesn't know where she gets it from?

This forum is designed specifically for non-Christians to ask Christians, both staff and members, about Christianity, the Christian faith, Christian worship, and other questions about Christianity such as salvation, prayer life, miracles, and the gospel.

If you noticed, the OP wrote

I cannot believe that God would want to split a family up because of this.

Last time I checked, the Bible was the word of God. It's the best source of explaining to the OP what God would think of this situation so we use the verses we have to explain our opinion.

 

[Catherineanne]

I'm having a hard time understanding this or accepting this as I believe that we would still be together and not splitting up if she had not started to attend church 2 years ago.

I even prayed for the first time in my life in the hope that it would help us stay together.

Andy.

I think that this split between you is nothing to do with her faith. She is using that as an excuse, but as you have seen from the comments made here, there is no reason why she cannot marry you, and continue a very meaningful relationship with you. The chances are, if she did that, it would not be long before you came to share her faith.

I think she has had enough, and is seeking something or someone else. I will refrain from commenting on that, for a Christian woman and mother, because I do not know her, or her life.

The only thing I can suggest, and it is a long shot, is for you to make an appointment and speak to her minister. Not to complain about her, but to ask whether s/he knows of anything you could do, or anything that your gf is seeking in particular. Maybe she doesn't like the way you eat your cornflakes, or maybe she needs a holiday. Whatever it is, the minister may be able to help you both to heal the relationship.

Failing that, it seems as if you may have to accept that what was once beautiful is now past, and that your new role is as a friend and as a father, but no longer as a partner. I am really, really sorry.

 

[Catherineanne]

Believers are instructed by the Scriptures not to marry unbelievers.

I doubt if the Bible is making allowances for a couple who have a child together, and who have lived together for some years. In such a case, the Christian thing to do must be to marry, if both parties are willing to do so.

In this case it appears that the Christian woman has declined the offer of marriage from her partner, who is also the father of her child. This is not explicable from a Biblical point of view.

 

[Aibrean]

She also was not a believer when they met or had their child.