Seeking, but feeling lost

[FaithNGod]

I became a Christian last year. It was very dramatic-I can hardly describe what I felt, but I will try....

I cried and cried, begging God to forgive me and come into my heart. I felt such PEACE and JOY-it was undescribable! I heard God's voice say "I love you, and have great plans for you-and you will be in Heaven with me!"

For weeks, I felt like I was on a very narrow path, with God guiding me on a straight path. I could literally SEE this path all the time!

I used to do a lot of drugs and drinking and cussing and porn, and all that stuff now just makes me sick to think about. God changed that about me immedietely, PRAISE GOD!

I hate all the old shows on Tv I used to watch. I had a HUGE hunger for reading my bible-constantly. It was like I could not get enough!

I "saw" Jesus with me, everywhere I went. It was like God was giving me a vision, to show me that Jesus was with me all the time. Everywhere I looked, I "saw" Him. That sounds weird, I know, but I "saw" that narrow road, very long, and Jesus with me all the time.

I felt so FILLED with love for everyone. Anytime I did anything remotely off the narrow path, like getting irritable with my husband- I was so incredibly "convicted" that I would go off and cry and cry because I felt that I had disappointed God somehow.

I constantly wanted to HELP people-give them money, give them whatever-I just wanted to HELP people all the time-I just LOVED them so much!

Weeks went by, and these feelings wore off. I was terrified that I had somehow lost my salvation, and went to my pastor about it, crying.

He said that salvation is not about "feelings", and that there is no way to lose my salvation. I was told that when I first gave my heart to Jesus, I was in a sort of "honeymoon stage" with God, and that it is like a sort of euphoria, but that those feelings go away, and we are supposed to rely on faith of knowing that we are still saved.

Ok, I get all that.....but....

Here it is, less than a year after being saved,and I do not feel like I am a Christian at all. I have NO real urge to give to people in need, even though I make myself, because it is the Christian thing to do-shouldn't I WANT to do this, rather than feel like it is a duty?

I sit on this computer, rather than praying or reading my Bible-and it does not seem to convict me like it would have at first.

I still pray in my head, constantly. But I never know what I'm supposed to pray. I praise God in my head, and Thank Him over and over-but that's all the prayers I can think of, other than asking for forgiveness when I do something wrong.

I read my bible for long periods of time, every single day. I tithe, and try to do the Christian thing-but I'm always just so irritable and moody, and I feel like I am just putting on an ACT of being a Christian.

Nothing has changed since the day I became a Christian-I still continuously SEEK Him. I still pray and read my BIble. I still praise Him and worship Him.

But I keep getting farther and farther away,and this absolutly terrifies me!!

I'm not going out and doing drugs, or drinking, or anything serious like that....I just keep "forgetting" about God-and that scares me!

When people at work ask me how I am, I used to say "I'm blessed!", but now I forget to say that-I know that's a small dumb thing, but it seems big to me!

I used to find all kinds of ways to bring God into a conversation-but now I can never think of anything to say, and even worse, I just plain "forget" God is there sometimes-that really scares me!

I don't WANT to-it just happens. It's like forgetting where you put your car keys-I'm forgetting where God is!

How can I "get God back", when I am doing the same things that worked before?

I feel so lost, and it's like I'm not a Christian anymore. I am producing NO fruit at all, and I know that God hates "lukewarm Christians" and will vomit them out of His mouth.

I don't wanna be lukewarm! I wanna be on fire for God! HOW can I do this?

I BEG Him to fill me with the Holy Spirit-but nothing ever happens. I BEG Him to use me however He wants to-that I am His "living sacrifice" and to please show me what He wants me to do every day, but nothing ever happens.

I know how so many people say that you cannot lose your salvation-but I keep thinking about that parable about Jesus being the Vine, and we are the branches....and that if they are not producing fruits, they are CUT OFF.

I feel like I have been cut off, and I want to be grafted back in!!!!!

I feel like such a disappointment to God, and do not know what I did to get in this situation, when I pray and read my Bible every day and go to church and try my best to do right, but every day I seem to be getting farther and farther from God without meaning to!

HELP! How can I get God back!!???

 

[tturt]

As I'm reading your post, I'm nodding my head. Yes, after the euphoria, there seems to be a period of time where this happens. Someone said they thought it happens so we won't gauge everything by our feelings. Maybe they're right. But we do know that scripture such as Act 17:27 assures us if we continue to see Him, we find Him.

In regards to Him showing you everyday what He wants you to do - I suggest reading "How to Hear from God in a Noisy World."

What thrills me is the hunger you have for Him. Blessings.

Acts 17:27
"That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:"

 

[Fiona82]

I don't think you should worry so much. I'm no expert (In fact, I'm new to this myself) but it sounds as if you are on the right path and as if your heart is in the right place.

I think the thing to remember is that you can't rely in your feelings. If we reacted to our feelings, we would be all over the place.

Compare it to a couple falling in love. At the beginning, all is new, magical, romantic and sensual, but after time, when the new excitement had died down - you are left with that love and companionship....

It is the same with Jesus. You fell in love, so you were blazing with passion...now you have settled down to "day to day" life with your Lord.

If you are worried, ask Jesus to fill you with some more passion. I'm confident He will do so.

But as long as you believe, pray and do your best to live the Christian life, you shouldn't be too down on yourself just because you don't feel excited and buzzing!

God Bless you.

 

[FaithNGod]

As I'm reading your post, I'm nodding my head. Yes, after the euphoria, there seems to be a period of time where this happens. Someone said they thought it happens so we won't gauge everything by our feelings. Maybe they're right. But we do know that scripture such as Act 17:27 assures us if we continue to see Him, we find Him.

In regards to Him showing you everyday what He wants you to do - I suggest reading "How to Hear from God in a Noisy World."

What thrills me is the hunger you have for Him. Blessings.

Acts 17:27
"That they should seek the Lord, if haply they might feel after him, and find him, though he be not far from every one of us:"

Yes, that's basically what my pastor said too, about how, when we are first saved, God gives us that "special Holy Spirit boost of euphoria", to show us what we can expect in Him.

It's a way to KEEP us seeking Him-seeking to have those feelings again, of being so close to Him and feel so loved.

But He also does not want us to rely on feelings alone-He wants us to have the FAITH that He is there with us and has not abandoned us.

But after those feelings fade, I think that is when so many Christians give up, because they feel that they have lost their salvation because they don't have those euphoric feelings anymore.

I had a friend tell me that I literally "glowed" from knowing God....at first. She said she envied that-how happy I was, and that she remembered those feelings herself.

Another friend said he was like that at first too, but he gave up when the feelings went away-stopped going to church,stopped praying, etc..

How can people DO that? I don't understand!! I mean, when I first got saved, it was the most unbelievable, glorious feeling in the world....and I try SO HARD, every single day, to get that closeness back!

How could anyone just STOP trying??

But shouldn't I be GROWING as a Christian?

For example-I used to LOVE helping people. Now I get irritated that they may need my help. I have to constantly "put on an act" of being a Christian, when I do not WANT to do the things that are required of being a Christian. I want my "goodness" to come by God being in me, not by me putting on an act!

Isn't there something in the bible about this-about not putting on an act, about not being a hypocrit?

I don't feel LOVE for most people anymore-they get on my nerves now, like how I was before I became a Christian.

I'm slipping further and further back into the way I was BEFORE, rather than growing into more like Jesus, which is my GREATEST desire!

I'm so scared that I will wake up one day and HATE reading my bible, HATE praying, and just plain HATE everyone!!

How can I stop this from happening?

Well, I just read this verse, and it gives me comfort.....I bet God wanted me to read it...

"But those who wait on the LORD
Shall renew their strength;
They shall mount up with wings like eagles,
They shall run and not be weary,
They shall walk and not faint."

I WILL NOT GIVE UP SEEKING MY LORD!

 

[capnator]

Maybe you need to learn to trust God and serve him when the feeling is not there. To trust in the word that he has spoken through the bible.

 

[Sketcher]

Your pastor was right. You went through the "honeymoon" stage, where you get all these wonderful feelings, and it all seems so easy. Now, it's time for you to grow up. You're not always going to feel like doing the right thing - for example, I have a dog that needs to go out when it's not always convenient. In fact, he will cry and cry to go out when I'm trying to get some desperately needed sleep. But I get up, throw some clothes on, and take him out anyway. I didn't feel like walking him, especially since he takes off like a bullet, but I am exercising my love for him. My love for my dog is greater than my personal circumstance. Doing the right thing in spite of not feeling like it is an exercise in love and faithfulness, and God wants you to be loving and faithful. You have your bad days, we all have them. But we can choose to love God by obeying Him anyway, and this exercises the spiritual muscles that God wants to see grow, on top of the fact that He feels that love you have for Him.

Finally, you didn't lose God. He made a promise in the Old Testament, which is repeated in the New to His people:

"Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." - Hebrews 13:5b

Also,

"Here is a trustworthy saying:
If we died with Him,
we will also live with Him;
if we endure,
we will also reign with Him.
If we disown Him,
He will also disown us;
if we are faithless,
He will remain faithful,
for He cannot disown Himself." - 2 Timothy 2:11-13

 

[FaithNGod]

Thank you....but I'm worried because I still have problems-I am still totally unable to pray for people. Like if someone is sick, I pray..."Dear Father, please help "Cindy" get better. In Jesus name, Amen"

No other words EVER come to me. I just have these simple, stupid prayers that I can't expand on. I'm not good at this, and it tears me up. I see every other Christian praying for people with these great prayers, and "Father, please help them" is all I can come up with. So I just refuse to pray if someone asks me to.

I know I became a Christian last year....so why can't I grow in Christ? Why can't I pray right? Why can't I learn what my spiritual gift is, so I can help the Church? I don't think I even got a gift. Stuff like that. And yes, I'm absolutely positive that I became a Christian-I know that is probably the next question. LOL I just can't seem to grow at all. I can't come up with ANY prayers when I pray. I feel so useless, like I'm a burdon to the Church, rather than part of the Body that will help it.

 

[Sketcher]

Thank you....but I'm worried because I still have problems-I am still totally unable to pray for people. Like if someone is sick, I pray..."Dear Father, please help "Cindy" get better. In Jesus name, Amen"

No other words EVER come to me. I just have these simple, stupid prayers that I can't expand on. I'm not good at this, and it tears me up. I see every other Christian praying for people with these great prayers, and "Father, please help them" is all I can come up with. So I just refuse to pray if someone asks me to.

Sometimes, that's enough. If someone asks you to pray for them, you pray for them - even if it's a silent prayer, asking God to help this person as best as He knows how, right then and there (since people often forget to do it later). That's good enough. Remembering to do it again later is even better. You CAN pray, and even a simple one like you mentioned is good enough. So please pray for people. Also, apologize to the people you openly refused to pray for, as that is rude. Tell them what you were feeling - that you didn't think you could pray good enough, and that it was nothing personal against them.

I know I became a Christian last year....so why can't I grow in Christ? Why can't I pray right? Why can't I learn what my spiritual gift is, so I can help the Church? I don't think I even got a gift. Stuff like that. And yes, I'm absolutely positive that I became a Christian-I know that is probably the next question. LOL I just can't seem to grow at all. I can't come up with ANY prayers when I pray. I feel so useless, like I'm a burdon to the Church, rather than part of the Body that will help it.

You've got to obey Christ so you can grow in Him, and you've got to pray before you can pray right. Nobody starts out perfect, I've been following Christ for around 17 years and I don't have it perfect. What matters is you try, you learn, you apply what you learned, you try again, and it goes in a circle - only you are spiraling up!

 

[FaithNGod]

I didn't mean that I refused out loud. I am not "rude" to people.

I meant that if someone asks me to pray, I say I will, and then later, when I try to pray for them (when I'm alone), I can't come up with anything to say, so I just refuse to pray.

Sorry-didn't word it right, as usual. Failed at this stupid post, like I fail at everything, even being a Christian.

 

[Sketcher]

I didn't mean that I refused out loud. I am not "rude" to people.

Oh, good. That makes life a HECK of a lot easier.

I meant that if someone asks me to pray, I say I will, and then later, when I try to pray for them (when I'm alone), I can't come up with anything to say, so I just refuse to pray.

Like I said, just asking for God to take care of them as best as He knows how, is good enough. You can do that.

Sorry-didn't word it right, as usual.

That's OK. I'm sorry I rushed to judgment.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Thank you....but I'm worried because I still have problems-I am still totally unable to pray for people. Like if someone is sick, I pray..."Dear Father, please help "Cindy" get better. In Jesus name, Amen"

No other words EVER come to me. I just have these simple, stupid prayers that I can't expand on. I'm not good at this, and it tears me up. I see every other Christian praying for people with these great prayers, and "Father, please help them" is all I can come up with. So I just refuse to pray if someone asks me to.

May I tell you a little story? I've been saved for a long time--backslid for a little while but that was my own fault! Anyway, when I was younger, I thought God's name was Howard (you know...Our Father who art in heaven, Howard is thy name...). But I was so lucky because for my whole life God has felt very approachable to me. Yes, I reverently fear Him, but mostly he started off seeming like a loving being with a name I wasn't afraid of. And since God is someone I could approach... I talk to Him like I would talk to almost anyone.

To truly grow in Christ does not mean you have to pray in flowery words. Use the words that are on your heart as if you were talking to someone very dear and close to you--who loves you and knows all about you, including your thoughts and what's on your heart. It doesn't have to sound fancy or have some special format. Personally, I tend to pray for God's will and thank Him, and I like to keep the focus on His will and thanks because He's God! I trust Him to do the right thing! And, He told us "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you."-I Thessalonians 5:18

I know I became a Christian last year....so why can't I grow in Christ? Why can't I pray right? Why can't I learn what my spiritual gift is, so I can help the Church? I don't think I even got a gift. Stuff like that. And yes, I'm absolutely positive that I became a Christian-I know that is probably the next question. LOL I just can't seem to grow at all. I can't come up with ANY prayers when I pray. I feel so useless, like I'm a burdon to the Church, rather than part of the Body that will help it. [/quote]

Yes, I have full faith in God's wonderful work of salvation that you did become a Christian, and I am so glad to welcome you to the family of God. But like anyone who is young, you are anxious to "grow up" and just like with kids, no matter how much you may want to be a grown up, it just takes time. One thing I can say to encourage you is that your "gift" will probably tend to be something you have a natural talent at--in a place where you are! As an example, one of my gifts is writing and encouraging--but I'm sort of shy. Well God gave me knowledge to know how to use the internet so I could be here today to encourage YOU. See what I mean? Now yes, God does challenge us to reach beyond what we are capable of "by ourselves" but He also equips us. He doesn't have me minister by being in large crowds speaking to thousands because that would exhaust me--I'm was created PERFECTLY as an introvert so I could minister to people one-by-one on the internet.

So FaithNGod, take your time. This is a lifelong relationship you're going to have with God. Over the years, you two will argue (of course, He's right but we still always try to tell Him what we think! ). You will have moments of great joy that you'll share with Him, and deep pain and sorrow that He will help you through. And over time, like any relationship, you will come to know Him and become more intimate with God as you learn more and more and more. My advice right now would be to begin to establish good habits--like practice reading the bible every day, studying it, reading good books, listening to good music--stuff that uplifts and encourages your mind. And every single day, seek God's face and always OBEY--even if it feels weird and unnatural, obey God anyway. If you want...I will tell you how I learned that lesson the hard way.

Your true and faithful friend,


~FaithfulWife

 

[FaithNGod]

May I tell you a little story? I've been saved for a long time--backslid for a little while but that was my own fault! Anyway, when I was younger, I thought God's name was Howard (you know...Our Father who art in heaven, Howard is thy name...). But I was so lucky because for my whole life God has felt very approachable to me. Yes, I reverently fear Him, but mostly he started off seeming like a loving being with a name I wasn't afraid of. And since God is someone I could approach... I talk to Him like I would talk to almost anyone.

To truly grow in Christ does not mean you have to pray in flowery words. Use the words that are on your heart as if you were talking to someone very dear and close to you--who loves you and knows all about you, including your thoughts and what's on your heart. It doesn't have to sound fancy or have some special format. Personally, I tend to pray for God's will and thank Him, and I like to keep the focus on His will and thanks because He's God! I trust Him to do the right thing! And, He told us "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus, concerning you."-I Thessalonians 5:18

I know I became a Christian last year....so why can't I grow in Christ? Why can't I pray right? Why can't I learn what my spiritual gift is, so I can help the Church? I don't think I even got a gift. Stuff like that. And yes, I'm absolutely positive that I became a Christian-I know that is probably the next question. LOL I just can't seem to grow at all. I can't come up with ANY prayers when I pray. I feel so useless, like I'm a burdon to the Church, rather than part of the Body that will help it.

Yes, I have full faith in God's wonderful work of salvation that you did become a Christian, and I am so glad to welcome you to the family of God. But like anyone who is young, you are anxious to "grow up" and just like with kids, no matter how much you may want to be a grown up, it just takes time. One thing I can say to encourage you is that your "gift" will probably tend to be something you have a natural talent at--in a place where you are! As an example, one of my gifts is writing and encouraging--but I'm sort of shy. Well God gave me knowledge to know how to use the internet so I could be here today to encourage YOU. See what I mean? Now yes, God does challenge us to reach beyond what we are capable of "by ourselves" but He also equips us. He doesn't have me minister by being in large crowds speaking to thousands because that would exhaust me--I'm was created PERFECTLY as an introvert so I could minister to people one-by-one on the internet.

So FaithNGod, take your time. This is a lifelong relationship you're going to have with God. Over the years, you two will argue (of course, He's right but we still always try to tell Him what we think! ). You will have moments of great joy that you'll share with Him, and deep pain and sorrow that He will help you through. And over time, like any relationship, you will come to know Him and become more intimate with God as you learn more and more and more. My advice right now would be to begin to establish good habits--like practice reading the bible every day, studying it, reading good books, listening to good music--stuff that uplifts and encourages your mind. And every single day, seek God's face and always OBEY--even if it feels weird and unnatural, obey God anyway. If you want...I will tell you how I learned that lesson the hard way.

Your true and faithful friend,


~FaithfulWife
[/QUOTE]

Thank you very much for your reply! Your "Howard" story was very touching and made me smile, but it also helped me to realize that God does want an actual relationship with us!

I've never been good at speaking either. I stumble over my own words in the easiest circumstances, and am very good at "forgetting" simple words used in everyday conversations-like "table" for instance. lol

So yeah-talking about things that I don't know a whole lot about yet is even more intimidating, and makes me mess up even more! I never speak in front of anyone-ever! You should have seen me struggle to say the prayer before we ate at Christmas dinner at my in-laws house with the whole family there! Boy did I bumble that one! lol But at least my heart was in the right place.

Yeah, I am trying too hard to grow up too fast. My problem is that everyone I know is either a nonbeliever, or someone who is a Christian, but has been for years, and is way beyond me in maturity.

So I am either trying to talk to the unbelievers about stuff I have next to no knowlege of, or trying to be in the middle of conversations that are way over my head-which makes me feel stupid and illiterate....a perfect place for Satan to expand on that feeling, if you get my drift!

It's great that God has called you to minister over the internet! I feel that is the way for me to go as well-and also to learn. I am a "computer addict", and spend most of my time on here, trying to meet other Christians and ask questions....to just learn!

I do have the "good habits" already. I get up and read my Bible, and I carry a small bible to work and read it throughout the day, whenever I get the chance. I read it before I go to bed too. I pray continously in my head, and on my knees morning and night. I only listen to Christian music-it really revives me! If I have bad thoughts, I instantly try to rebuke them and replace them with something God would approve of, and thanking Him and praising Him at the same time.

It's very hard, and yeah, the mind is a battlefield!