She's just not that into me?

[Tamara224]

Should I point out that you're the one that resumed this by responding to what I said? In any event, I'm quitting again since it's obvious that you can't say anything to me that doesn't turn into an argument. What curious behavior for a lawyer...but yeah, I'm done again.

After you get the last word in, that is.

 

[California Dreamin']

Move here!

 

[lunalinda]

Yay what a surprise.

Actually, I'm glad she still had it in her to tell you like it was instead of just cutting and running without any word back. It would have still been the same message either way, but the fact that she responded back at all says to me that even she's not willing to give up without some sort of "fight," even if it's just to defend herself. Plus it allowed you the chance to fix the mistake. Very cool that she gave that chance.

But what's good is that despite the email, you two are big enough to overlook it and keep going. And look on the bright side, at least things are more clear to both her and you now. It's all out of the way. Best of luck to you two. Hope you have a nice time Friday.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I agree that the email that you sent probably didn't have the best usage of verbage, however.......I DO applaud you for your honesty. I hate the whole game playing scene and refuse to do it myself. I would rather someone be point blank honest with me, than to beat around the bush and never really know how they feel. This goes for any relationships IMO. So now that you have communication with her, maybe you could s-l-o-w-l-y think about sharing with her, your need for honest validation of her feelings and that at any time if she doesn't see this as a LTR you guys should talk about it. Good luck to you!

 

[JPPT1974]

Maybe you both are better off
As being friends as maybe she is
Shy and not into a relationship yet
Or has gotten a broken heart from someone
That she doesn't want a broken heart again.
Ever thought about it that way?

 

[GQ Chris]

That sucks. The first thing I want to establish on a date even a first one is to get a kiss on the lips at the end of the night. It doesn't have to be long or passionate, but a quick lets me know that she's attracted and that there is chemistry, otherwise probably won't want to get a second date with her unless she's really worth it.

One other explanation is that the way this girl sounds, has there been some kind of an incident that happened in her life to make her shy away from physical affections? sounds like it.. otherwise I don't know.

But turning her ear towards you.. that is lousy.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

A few points from reading this thread...

-Dating is not a bartering system. Nothing you do for her means she owes you anything, and nothing she does for you means you owe her anything. Going on dates is about getting to know the other person, and testing the waters to see if you two are relationship material.

-Nobody has the right to expect anybody to change. You have the right to vocalize your opinions and issues, and she has the right to respond how she chooses to. But dating is not about changing someone. It's not easy to undo years of what's built-in by the way someone was raised and by life experiences. You would be better off finding a woman whose style of communication works with yours.

-Even though you may have intended the horse ride and the guitar, and whatnot, as simply being nice gestures, if she didn't respond how you expected her to, she didn't see them the same way. And she can't just change her feelings about those on a whim. Nor should she be expected to.

-As the pursuer, you pursue by the rules set by the pursuee. If I owned a business, I would be foolish to try to make people who are not my customers yet, or even who are, play by my perimeters. I have to reach out to them, and attract their business on their terms, and build in them the desire to do business with me. And as the pursuer, you can't put any more pressure on her than she's ready to accept.

-If you want her to pursue you, it won't be accomplished through spill-my-heart-out emails. You have to build in her the desire to pursue you, and this desire/attraction is not at all a logical thing, nor is it something you can try to guilt her into wanting to do. You have to be in demand, and she has to desire a supply of what's in demand. Another law of business that equates directly to relationships as well.

-When deciding how much you should try to impress her, it's better to slightly underdo it than to overdo it. Make her want to find out what's in Alexei's head. Make her want to dive deeper and go digging for herself. Give her the opportunity to want to get to know you better, find out more about you, and desire you on her own terms. Overdoing it, while it may seem sweet, blocks off the opportunity for her to work through her attraction to you in her mind.

-And as far as showing interest, yes, show interest, but again, ease into it. It's better to ease in slowly, even if it's a little bit too slowly, than to just cannonball right in. Again, this sort of mystery will build her curiousity, and make her think about you and what makes you tick... which equates directly to her thinking about you more, which leads to her developing feelings for you.

It might be too late to really salvage this one, but if it is, take this advice and use it the next time you find yourself dating a girl, seeing if she's a fit for you, relationally.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

-And as far as showing interest, yes, show interest, but again, ease into it. It's better to ease in slowly, even if it's a little bit too slowly, than to just cannonball right in. Again, this sort of mystery will build her curiousity, and make her think about you and what makes you tick... which equates directly to her thinking about you more, which leads to her developing feelings for you.

the part bolded really bothers me.

 

[KomissarSteve]

the part bolded really bothers me.

Why is that? In my experience, most girls like a bit of mystery in their guys.

 

[Kristina84]

Why is that? In my experience, most girls like a bit of mystery in their guys.

I would say your right about that... Just not to much mystery

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Why is that? In my experience, most girls like a bit of mystery in their guys.

it seems manipulative. And I've been on the receiving end of this only to end up getting hurt and its very frusterating. I have had more than enough mystery with guys, to be honest. There are still things from the past that remain a mystery to me and I would much prefer clarity. I would rather a guy be upfront about how he feels about me.

Color me crazy but thats me.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

the part bolded really bothers me.

Okay... why? It's legit advice. I'd tell women to do the same thing.

 

[Kristina84]

Hey Beauty for Ashes I can understand where you are coming from... But have you ever liked a guy that was up front? Just wondering

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Okay... why? It's legit advice. I'd tell women to do the same thing.

I answered above.

Hey Beauty for Ashes I can understand where you are coming from... But have you ever liked a guy that was up front? Just wondering

Have I ever liked a guy that was upfront? Yes, but for the most part the guys I've liked havent been upfront. Though if they were upfront it certainly wouldn't cause me to stop liking them. I would in fact like and respect them more.

But of course when I am not interested in a guy and he i upfront, its just plain annoying

 

[ImperialPhantom]

it seems manipulative. And I've been on the receiving end of this only to end up getting hurt and its very frusterating. I have had more than enough mystery with guys, to be honest. There are still things from the past that remain a mystery to me and I would much prefer clarity. I would rather a guy be upfront about how he feels about me.

Color me crazy but thats me.

It's not manipulative. Think of it as a dance, if you will. The movements are subtle, and the couple must be able to pick up on each other's cues. Step too far and you land on toes. Don't step enough and the dance goes nowhere. But find that balance point and something beautiful is created.

Logically, we, both men and women, may say that what we want is someone who is completely upfront, but if both genders really think back to the ones who had our hearts, who caused those butterflies in the stomach, who aroused interest and curiousity... most of the time they weren't completely upfront all at once.

 

[ImperialPhantom]

for the most part the guys I've liked havent been upfront.

Mere coincidence or not? Think about it.

 

[KomissarSteve]

it seems manipulative. And I've been on the receiving end of this only to end up getting hurt and its very frusterating. I have had more than enough mystery with guys, to be honest. There are still things from the past that remain a mystery to me and I would much prefer clarity. I would rather a guy be upfront about how he feels about me.

Color me crazy but thats me.

You say that now, but picture yourself in the dating game; a lot of people, men and women alike, will say that they prefer one thing or another in a man or a woman, but when it comes down to it, what one prefers on paper doesn't always translate into reality.

I'm not saying that's necessarily the case with you, or all women, but that's what I've seen happen quite a bit with women, in my experience.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

It's not manipulative. Think of it as a dance, if you will. The movements are subtle, and the couple must be able to pick up on each other's cues. Step too far and you land on toes. Don't step enough and the dance goes nowhere. But find that balance point and something beautiful is created.

Granted, there is some truth in that.

Logically, we, both men and women, may say that what we want is someone who is completely upfront, but if both genders really think back to the ones who had our hearts, who caused those butterflies in the stomach, who aroused interest and curiousity... most of the time they weren't completely upfront all at once.

This I disagree with still. Sure there were those that caused those "butterlflies" by not being upfront but they were the ones who turned out to not like me as I had thought, yet I had spent all that time building up to liking them because of their "mystery."

Dancing is enjoyable but I hate playing games and trying to read/interpret a guy's motives/feelings.

I prefer honesty and clarity

Mere coincidence or not? Think about it.

nah. I have dated guys who were upfront and I liked it. If/when they did stuff that was "mysterious," I got very frusterated.

 

[KomissarSteve]

Granted, there is some truth in that.

This I disagree with still. Sure there were those that caused those "butterlflies" by not being upfront but they were the ones who turned out to not like me as I had thought, yet I had spent all that time building up to liking them because of their "mystery."

Dancing is enjoyable but I hate playing games and trying to read/interpret a guy's motives/feelings.

I prefer honesty and clarity


nah. I have dated guys who were upfront and I liked it. If/when they did stuff that was "mysterious," I got very frusterated.

I dunno, though; perhaps your boyfriends in the past haven't been 100% up-front with you and you just didn't know it? Or did all of them immediately come out and describe in detail their various pathoi and fears and insecurities to you in the first month or two? Because all guys have some of that, even the most "having-it-together" ones.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I dunno, though; perhaps your boyfriends in the past haven't been 100% up-front with you and you just didn't know it? Or did all of them immediately come out and describe in detail their various pathoi and fears and insecurities to you in the first month or two? Because all guys have some of that, even the most "having-it-together" ones.

(bolded part) No. But they probably shared some of them. My point was they made it clear they were interested in me. They didnt play hot and cold with me.