Update on my marriage

[deliciousBass]

Cinderella,

I have a few of questions to ask:

Has your marriage been "on the rocks" before and have you two managed to recover from it?

Has your husband promised to "change" in the past and fallen short?

Also, have you given BigNorsk's suggestion of you joining him on a missionary trip some consideration?

Just curious..

Irv

 

[BigNorsk]

I should probably clarify that I didn't mean necessarily joining him in a trip exactly like he does now, I would assume due to his profession he probably travels and help build a school or a church or something.

But I was more referring to family as our primary mission field and taking a time for family in a religious setting. Not just a vacation but a time of reflection and worship together.

Marv

 

[Cinderella3653]

OUr marriage has been on the rocks more than once. Each time he promises to do more.. and each time I try and DO what he likes.. I.E. Keep the kitchen clean, keep the house clean, Do the laundry they way HE thinks is is supposed to be done, etc etc.. Do what HE likes in the bedroom.. even if I am not comfortable with it. I try to change myself to become what he wants.. but it is never enough. Which is why I am burnt out. I can't keep up with what he wants because it changes every day. One day he wants his shirt hung up this way.. I do that and a week later he wants them done another way.. without telling me that he has changed his mind. He just gets on to me like I am a child that he has to CORRECT and RAISE. He believes that I BELONG to him.. and that I am to SUBMIT to whatever he thinks.. reguardless of my personal feelings or belifs. He always thinks they way he is IS the MOST IMPORTANT.. and when I come up with a different idea about it.. I am just exposing myself to ridicule..etc.etc. I know he won't even think twice about it... It's not worth his effort beause it came out of my mouth and thought process.

As for going on mission with him. I would love to but we have two small children. One is school and one at home. They are too small to travel, and I don't feel right about putting them off on someone else for 2 weeks of time. When they get a bit older and can do more for themselves.. then it won't be as bad.. but the baby is a handfull as it is.

I have spent alot of time praying, reading.. and thinking in the past few days. It isn't working to bow to his whims.. It isn't working to allow him to make me feel like dirt. It isn't working to believe that he is going to change if I DO the right thing. I will never be able to DO the RIGHT thing for him. He is an imperfect human just as I am.. and I refuse to continually feel bad about myself because of what he says, does, or doesn't do. I'm just having issues with the whole thing right now. There is going to be some serious talking when he gets home.. and if he choses to stay.. then it will be his choce. NOT because he HAS to.. or he isn't ALLOWED to leave. He has the choice and he has to choose to stay with me and WORK on the marriage. It's HARD WORK and i think that for many years he has played as little as possible in the WORK area. He just wants everything he wants.. reguardles of what I might. I'm not saying that he doesn't NOTHING to make me happy.. but the two amounts are NOT equal. I am doing WAY more in terms of trying to keep him happy. The problem is I don't believe he is ahppy with himself.. that is why superficial soothing from me never really works.

Cinderella

 

[deliciousBass]

OUr marriage has been on the rocks more than once. Each time he promises to do more.. and each time I try and DO what he likes..

So you're caught in a cycle? That's not too uncommon... but it sounds like you're inferring that you are to blame for all of his unhappiness since you are the one who tries to do what he likes. Has any good come from previous talks? Have they ever involved a counselor?

I am just exposing myself to ridicule..etc.etc.

Your husband has serious issues with self-worth. His constant berating of you sounds like a coping mechanism. He shifts his flaws and inner strife to you... I don't blame you for feeling the way you do... He needs to be held accountable for this. You shouldn't speak to others that way let alone your wife. How does he treat his mother? How does he speak to others?

There is going to be some serious talking when he gets home.. and if he choses to stay.. then it will be his choce. NOT because he HAS to.. or he isn't ALLOWED to leave. He has the choice and he has to choose to stay with me and WORK on the marriage.

Are you going to give him an ultimatum? Just out of curiosity, do you think he would stay if you gave him one? I'm not saying you should...

The problem is I don't believe he is ahppy with himself.. that is why superficial soothing from me never really works.

I think you're on to something... attacking the problem will always yield better results than attacking the symptom. Well, you know that .

 

[Cinderella3653]

I have felt that I am to blame for most of my life. I grew up under rejection, internalizing it and coming to the conclusion that I am not worth anything. This has become a staple in my marriage, where I have relyed on what HE thought to find my own self worth. If things are right betweem us then it has to be my fault.. even if I see him doing things that he shouldn't ,My warped brain thinks that he has to be doing those because of something that I did wrong..etc.etc.
well, It's interseting that you mention how he speaks to others. He has in the past been bossy, and controlloing in his speach. BUT his friends pointed it out and he has been trying to "change it". Now, I believe that this is a self worth issue for him.. and having the power to make ME feel bad.. makes him feel more powerful. He hasn't had a supportive father.. And he speaks to his mother well.. but there is tension there. I don't believe he has much self esteeme either. It's easier to take out alll his frustrations on a "submissive" target.

As far as going to counseling.. He would tell me to do whatever I think Ineed to, to deal with my issues, but he is not going to go.. Even though I think it would make a world of difference for us. He won't do it.

When he gets back we are going to sit down and discuss the things that have been revealed to me this week. Things like my getting myself worth from him.. instead of inside me and my identity with Christ.
I have shifted the focus.. with an understanding that I will be putting myself out there. I will be saying.. I don't NEED you.. I WANT you in my life.. and it is MY choice. And you have the same choice. He could choose to not WANT ME.. I don't want him reliant on me.. andmore that I want to depend on him. For so long I believed the lie that I had to compromise, compromise, myself my beliefs, desires wants...to love and submit to my husband./ BUT the bible says to love your neighbor as yourself.. and right now i don't love myself. How can I when I get my self worth from a flawed human... And if I can't love myself.. I can't love my neighbor/husband effectivly either.

So I am going to lay all this out on the table.. and let him know that though he barrade me with demands, hatred..etc.. I won't be pulling my self worth from that anymore.

I will be standing on my own feet.. not leaning into his control.

I don't know what he will choose. BUT it will have no reflection on me. If he chooses to leave.. it is his choice and I have to understand that I had nothing to do with it. He would try and blame me.. but it all comes down to him making his own decision.

That isn't want I WANT... but without the risk we will continue in this deadly cycle.. I don't want to lose my identity again.. I want to be myself.
He can join me on this journey.. remaining his own.. or not.For years we have been treating the symptoms.. Now I am gonig to face the root of the problems.. the ones I have with myself. It will change me.. it will effect our marriage.. and it may even frighten him. If he is getting his reflective self from me... then when I change.. it will change him, or make him very uncomfortable. That is what I have to prepare for.

Cinderella

 

[deliciousBass]

Wow, well you revealed a lot about yourself in that last post! I think you have your head on straight and are being very objective about it. That's good.

One thing that I noticed is:

For so long I believed the lie that I had to compromise, compromise, myself my beliefs, desires wants...to love and submit to my husband. BUT the bible says to love your neighbor as yourself.. and right now i don't love myself. How can I when I get my self worth from a flawed human... And if I can't love myself.. I can't love my neighbor/husband effectivly either.

I found this to be a pretty good thread about loving yourself:

http://foru.ms/t5721443-loving-yourself.html

IMHO, this is the most critical issue you are facing right now and thankfully one that you have control over. The fact that you don't love yourself. That is one of the problems, and not symptoms that you should address ASAP. I'm sure it has had a detrimental effect on your marriage and probably even misadvertently enabled him from time to time. I know I'm young, but this is something I have some experience in.. only in the last 6 months or so have I begun to love myself. Since I have, I know I've come more to grips with who I am (my identity) and I'm much more content because of it. I am sure it will help you in that respect too.

This is something that we as Christians should be particularly thankful for. We believe that we were made in God's image and he is perfect right? He knew what he was doing... "Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you..."

In fact, lemme quote somebody right quick:

Your self-worth can't be based on your physical attributes, career, status and other things people hold important. Those things you can lose in a second. It should be based on the simple and eternal fact that God made you worthy. As soon as you accept that, you can serve others with joy and not out of duty. My belief is that God looks into your heart and your motives instead of mere acts. You can do the nicest things with a wicked mindset.

It was taken out of context but it's concerning how difficult it is to love others when you don't even love yourself. Anyway, keep us up to date .

 

[Cinderella3653]

Thanks so much for the link to that other forum. It was an interesting read.
Its just been a very eye opening week for me. I have always known that my self esteeme was BAD.. but I never realized HOW bad, and WHY. ANd for me it isn't the "weight of sin" upon me because I already know that has been wiped out. It's the never measuring up to what I FEEL my husbands idea for me is. Of trying to submit without understand what that really meant in terms of keeping my own identity.
I keep trying to change my behaviour... this time i am trying to change MY-SELF.
And I'm still trying to find out who that SELF really is. What do I really LIKE? What do I want? Where do I stand? I have to relearn to stand on my own two feet. Something I don't think that I have done in a long time.And it's painfull.

At least i have taken this road now. rather than 20 years down the path. There is hope for my Marriage for the first time in a long time. BUT it will be hard.. and not always comfortable. It may require us to examine our lives for flaws.. and then work on them. That is the scary part.. BUT on the other hand the alturnitive, however comfortable that may be, is very depressing.

It would be me continuing to try and DO everythign.. and him never responsible for anything. Me always feeling dumped on and walked on.. and him not seeing the footprints..

Sigh.. now I am getting back to work.

Cinderella

 

[Autumnleaf]

My husband is a self employed Construction owner. He does short term missions.. and as for being a rugged individualist. I love how you have taken certain points in the Bible and used them to prove your point rather than take the whole and apply it. Having faith that the Lord will take care of me is easy, because HE provided me with a good job. My husband does a major part of the finachial contrubution, whereas I carry the insurance, retirement, etc etc. God gave us the ability to think for ourselves. He never said we have to be robots. We have free will. To chose to do His or not. Why would I think that the same wouldn't apply to marriage??? From what you are saying it would be to deny myself and my options and choices to RELY on my husband to be the man he is supposed to be.. Well. Guess what.. that is whatI have done for 10 years.. and now I have a depression problem, no self worth. and a sorry excuse for a marriage. I waited on the Lord, and HE is the one who led me to the understanding I am having right now. It's a choice. And it's something we both have to chose. I am not to be a robot to my husband. Christ doesn't lead the church that way. He leads with choice the key. He doesn't dictate what we DO. just as my Husband shouldn't dictate how I feel about myself, or what I am doing for him..etc. It is about choice. I have been denyed that for a very long time. I have lost myself in the process...and right now I am getting it back. It has nothing to do with my husband at this moment as it has with me growing.. breaking free of these bonds I have created in my own relationship.

Cinderella

I think you've talked yourself into having a job and paying taxes while also doing housework. Lots of women do this. Its common. I disagree with it, I think you and lots of other women are getting ripped off by biblical standards is why. Belaboring that point just seems to get me hatemail from said women.

Anywho...

Something smells fishy about these missionary trips. If he can't bring his family he probably shouldn't be going. Do you know who he goes with? Are they good men/women? Does he carry lots of life insurance in case the natives get restless?

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Cinderella,

You're plight sounds familiar, and you have my sympathy.

As a long-since divorced guy I can relate to some of the marital problems that you are describing. I, like many husbands, viewed my marriage and wife as not only a support mechanism, but an enabling one. Because my wife did so much work taking care of the house, me, and the kids I had loads of free time for myself. I could hang with friends, hunt and fish, do pet projects, etc. I never realized how hard she worked. And she, like you, felt that it was her God-ordained duty to do it, and without complaint.

This affected our relationship, including sex, very negatively. It was only when she left me the first time that I caught a clue of the depth of her unhappiness with our marriage. We tried to make it go but it was way too late and we did finally divorce. And then I didn't believe I did anything wrong. It was only many years later that I realized how selfish I had been.

I reveal this to you because I don't think you realize what you are up against with a man (like myself) that is completely selfish. I didn't want to change anything, even though I knew that I had to, and agreed that I would try to. I just wanted everything to settle back down so I could continue enjoying the benefits of my human ATM.

I read a quote recently that perfectly describes marriage as "mostly conflict, with brief periods of reconciliation". How true this is. Every relationship is mostly conflict but with necessary compromise to maintain it. I was a popular 'friend' when I was young because I placed no demands on anyone. If I had, several friendships would have ended as a result. One has to lead, the other follow. You break this relationship at your peril.

Marriage is different things to different people. It's hard to try fashion a 'christian' marriage in a very evil world that is destroying itself. I don't believe that you will successfully change your husband, but you can change your 'marriage', and through that change perhaps he will change enough to make it a good one for both of you. At this point you indicate that he is dictating the terms of your marriage, setting the tone, making the rules, establishing the direction, etc.,and that you feel quite powerless to change it. But you also are determined to 'sit down and talk about it', and thus improve your marriage. I caution you that this is the least productive way to change a man. Men do not like to be scolded by anyone, much less a woman, much less his own wife, and that's what he is going to consider this 'talk'.

It is a rare younger man who really listens to his wife. Women have little credibility with men, and familiar ones have even less. We are courteous and listen, but really don't take what you say or think very seriously, especially if it conflicts with our opinions, or seeks to change us in any way. We view this as a threat, mostly to our enlarged ego's.

This post is long enough. I'll be back later with some ideas that you may find useful.

owg

 

[OldWiseGuy]

Hi Cinderella,

I've been trying to organize some thoughts that might be useful to you. I won't try to advise you about anything as I don't know that much about your situation, only what you've written here. Here are some random thoughts:

Self-esteem cannot be conferred by someone you happen to love or admire. Self-esteem must come from inside of you. If you rely on others to determine your self-worth you will always be worth less than that other person. The exception to this is your parents, who have every right and even a duty to keep your immature self-esteem in check, even as they help you to build it properly.

True self-esteem comes from character, which comes from doing the right thing, and doing it simply because it is the right thing to do. God has placed this law within us and it cannot be violated. If you consistantly do the wrong thing you will never build character or true self-esteem; and ignorance is no excuse. This law of God operates with or without your knowledge of it.

Having said that you must know what the right thing is. As your marriage is the subject you must know what the right thing is concerning marriage. This isn't easy to determine as we all want to fashion marriage according to an ideal that may not be realistic, or what God intends marriage to accomplish. When I said you can change your marriage this is what I meant. You can fashion it according to God's design for it. So you have to first decide which kind of marriage you want; a worldly one, or a Godly one. This is a difficult choice, and one that should not be made without thoughful consideration by both husband and wife.

A Godly marriage will last but will be much more difficult, and this is as God intended. God's purpose for human marriage is to learn faithfulness above all things. Marriage is a lifelong test of this character trait most precious to God. Even our marriage vows attest to this.


A Godly marriage isn't sex, children, house, community standing, career, or anything material. A Godly marriage is the sworn faithful committed relationship between man and wife, witnessed and blessed by God. If anything threatens that relationship it must be abandoned (but, you can keep the kids).

Here are some mundane things that will help any marriage:

You must become healthy. Many think they are healthy simply because they aren't sick at the moment. God gave man the sabbath so that we can get a full day of recuperative rest once a week. That need is greater now than ever. It is estimated that 60 per cent of us are sleep deprived. I believe that many of us are dangerously fatigued as well, and don't realize it.

If you are not healthy you cannot even think straight much less make important decisions. Proper rest and sleep are the most important tools to regain health. Diet and exercise will pretty much take care of themselves if you are well rested.

I'm going on about this because it is the single most important aspect of both physical and mental health and should not be taken lightly. Don't make any important decision about your marriage until you are fully rested and in good health. A well-rested brain can deal easily with problems that were overwhelming when you were overtired.

I think the problem of fatigue is more serious among women than men. A man can crash and get recuperative rest more easily because we aren't as mentally tired as women. When you reach a certain level of fatigue it's hard to even sleep, much less rest. Consider that women are three times more likely to have migraine headaches than men. Migraine's are a result of extreme mental activity and exhaustion. Women need more rest than men but usually get less.

You must establish an adequate and consistant habit of sleep and rest. You will need mental strength and clarity to properly evaluate your situation. Don't fail to do this. This is the best advice I can give you. I wish you well.

owg (signing off)

 

[Cinderella3653]

hmmmm.. Since i changed my way of eating, started exerecising regularly, formed a routine including bedtime and lost 17 pounds in the past three months.. I think I have that under control.

As for talking with him. It won't be about him. I am not going to say a word to him directed at him. I am going to talk about me and what has been happening in my life. So he knows where I have been, what my goals are and can watch. If it inspires him to move with me... then so be it. We are both born again christians who desire the will of God in our marriage. but I KNOW that I am not in control of it. I can make MY choice as to if I want to stay in my marriage which I do.. but only my Husband can make the choice if he wants to.

I can say this... My self esteeme has been so low the past few years I barely recognized it when I found it last week. You can say that no one has an influence.. but when I got marriage i gave myself up to my husband believeing it was what I was supposed to do> Now I am so emotionally drained I have nothing to GIVE to him. Unless I find my own two feet to stand on it won't matter if I want to save the marriage... Because I will be locked up somewhere for having lost my mind. I can't take the constant negativity concerning EVERYTTHING I do.. I can't take the overload of WORK EXPECTED OF me. ....

So I have to start with me. and if he wants to follow then he will. But i can't force him.

Cinderella

 

[OldWiseGuy]

hmmmm.. Since i changed my way of eating, started exerecising regularly, formed a routine including bedtime and lost 17 pounds in the past three months.. I think I have that under control.

As for talking with him. It won't be about him. I am not going to say a word to him directed at him. I am going to talk about me and what has been happening in my life. So he knows where I have been, what my goals are and can watch. If it inspires him to move with me... then so be it. We are both born again christians who desire the will of God in our marriage. but I KNOW that I am not in control of it. I can make MY choice as to if I want to stay in my marriage which I do.. but only my Husband can make the choice if he wants to.

I can say this... My self esteeme has been so low the past few years I barely recognized it when I found it last week. You can say that no one has an influence.. but when I got marriage i gave myself up to my husband believeing it was what I was supposed to do> Now I am so emotionally drained I have nothing to GIVE to him. Unless I find my own two feet to stand on it won't matter if I want to save the marriage... Because I will be locked up somewhere for having lost my mind. I can't take the constant negativity concerning EVERYTTHING I do.. I can't take the overload of WORK EXPECTED OF me. ....

So I have to start with me. and if he wants to follow then he will. But i can't force him.

Cinderella

Cinderella,

Have you sought the counsel of the older women in your fellowship who seem to have a good marriage? Often older folks can see problems in the marriages of younger people but won't give advice unless asked to do so. In my experience male pastors aren't nearly as good at this as these older women are. "In a multitude of counsellors, there is safety." Good advice from God.

A word of advice about exercise. While exercise is a stimulant that seems to give you energy in the short term it can add significantly to fatigue in the long term. Please consider my advice about rest and sleep.

owg

 

[Cinderella3653]

I have been taking naps when the baby naps as well... And with the addition of ROUTINE to the picture since the beginning of August (when my kid went to school)... I really am trying to get in the bed earlier and let things go a bit. There is laundry to be folded (three baskets full) that normally I would have stayed up and gotten done, but last night I just dumped them in a pile, pulled out what HAD to be hung up and left the rest for today. As for older women in the church. I have thought about that. And I have sought out the help of an older woman once, but she has a marriage worse than mine.. It's just really hard. BUT I have been doing a lot of soul searching.. and have been talking with a dear friend who seems to be in the same season.We have been encouraging each other and seeking the Lord through all of this. BUT I have come to see that it isn't really about my husband.. It's about me. I have to choose what I am going to do. Follow my "feelings which I have allowed to be influenced by my husbands attitude, actions..etc" or follow the Lord. Knowing how HE FEELS about me, and what HIS word says about me. That is where I am at. Old habits die hard.. and when you have spent 10 years believing what the husband you love says about you... it's hard to think you are worth anything more. With me getting my worth from him, that is why I keep trying to CHANGE him. If I change him... then he will say better things and treat me better.. and I will feel better about myself. Instead of knowing myself well enough to know that what HE says doesn't matter. Knowing where I am with God and how HE feels about me is more important than what my Husband says about me. That is where I am at now.

he has been home 2 days and hasn't said anything to me about any changes. I don't know if he doesn't notice or what. I haven't talked to him yet. He has been very overloaded with jet lag. WhenI feel the spirit prodding.. it will be the right time.

Cinderella

 

[Cinderella3653]

For now I am not going to say anything to him. He knows I was going through some things while he is gone. If he is really interested he can ask. I did ask him to read a passage in a book and he said he would.. but hasn't yet. I doubt he will.
I am resigning myself to focusing on God... and leaving it at that. With things the way they are I wonder if there will be anything left in a few years when the children are grown and gone.
He is lost in his own set of issues and problesm dealing with work, and his life and so on. Me wanting a deeper relationship with him is jsut not at the top of his "to do list". He has other things he needs to deal with and I am far down on that list.

I'll just maintain and grow in the Lord. If he decided to pursue me.. then he will have to make the effort. I am finished TRYING. I've tried and tried.. and nothing has worked... so it's in his hands. If he chooses not to do anything with it.. then he will have to live with the consequenses of his choice.

Me I am choosing to follow Christ and seek His will. That is all I can hold on to right now.

Cinderella

 

[3girls2dogs]

A few weeks ago I came here to get advice/vent, and try and sort things out in my marriage. My husband is a good man, but lacking in the "help meet" department. Leaving most of the housework to me, on top of the kids, on top of a full time job. I have talked to him about it on multiple occassions, and he will do better for a while.. then it will be back to everything being on my shoulders. And while I would just like to NOT do it, and let everyting go for a while.. I can't because that would not be healthy for my kids. And it wouldn't reflect where I want to be as a wife. My difficulty lies in the fact that I can't physically DO everything. The stress was TOO much and I fell into depression. Plus became physically exhausted to the point where I wasn't able to do anything. (which was a relief and a stressor in itself).

Anyway, there were several people here to recommended books, and Things to try to help make it better. I have obtained several of the books mentioned.. and started them. They are helping, although I know it will be a while before I can impliment them (such as Love and Respect). As I haven't finished them completely.

My current issue is the fact that "ministry" has become "first" on his priority list. It isn't that I don't want him involved.. because I do.. but his mission work sometimes gets in front of everything else in his life. He just returned from a mission trip of two weeks not even a month ago. He wasn't planning on another one until November. Now, he is leaving tomorrow for another trip. He tells me that when he is on a mission trip he feels clostest to God. That he can focus, and spend time at His feet because he is across the big pond without distraction of phones, kids, or me. What bothers me is that "revelation" hurts. It makes me feel that I don't matter to him, and in fact am limiting him in his walk with God on a day to day basis. All this from a man who isn't a "spiritual leader" in our home. I am the one who reads Bible stories to the kids every night. I am the one having/reading Family devotions every morning (even though he is usually up at that time)...He does take us to church.. but usually just the mornings. I am the one who sought out an AWANA program for the kids in a nearby church and take them every Wedensday night... He doesn't even offer, and if for some reason I can't make it one Wedensday he makes me feel guilty for even asking him to do it.

It breaks my heart because this is not what I invisioned in marriage. I want the "help meet"....I want a leader. It's too much for me to try and "do on my own". I've prayed for years for God to do a work in his life.. I've prayed for years for God to help me be the wife I need to be... but weariness is setting in..

Anyway I just wanted to update you all as to the current status of my life/marriage.

Thanks for the advice and prayers.

Cinderella

I will start right off admitting that I have not read your previous threads. I also don't have any profound or miraculous advice. I can truly empathize with what you are going through, though. My husband is an active duty Marine. He spends a great deal of time away from us. I have a full time job and three children, plus numerous volunteer committments that go along with this military life.

When I feel as though my husband's calling (and yes, for him it truly is a calling) is weighing to much on me, when I feel as though the responsibilities of being a supportive spouse seem to tip the scales in my direction, I try to remind myself that who is as a Marine is what made him the man that I love. I would imagine that it is the same with your husband. Was he this focused on his mission work when you married him?

I know how hard it can be. I really do. My husband has been gone for close to 6 months, and we have 1 left to go. Because we are at war, this is a constant for us, although he was still gone a lot before then.

How old are your children? Are there members of your church or circle of friends that you can call on to help you? There is no shame in counting on others when the work of the one we love keeps him from us. As a military community, we try to take care of each other when our husbands are gone. Let others help. And please don't overwork yourself when he is away for fear of what your children will think. We just had this conversation with my kids yesterday. I was commiserating with another wife about how I can never seem to rustle the energy to wash my floor as often as I probably should, and my 8 year old heard me. She was very upset that I felt this way, as the reason I don't have the energy is because I usually focus most of my time on them. She said she likes things the way they are. She even called me this morning from her friend's house before she caught the school bus to say that she loved me and not to be sad. Your chldren will benefit more from a sane mom than they will from a clean floor.

If you ever want to chat about the general pain of missing your husband, please feel free to PM me.

 

[Cinderella3653]

My husband was not involved in missions when we met. He has only been activly involved for about 5 years. And I don't really think it has anything to do with him being gone. Sure we miss him.. it's his absence when he is home that is bothersome. I bet when you husband comes home he is eager to see you, hold you, kiss you, spend time with you. Mine.... it just doesn't phase him. He's content to just go to bed and get over the jet lag. Forget personal connection... We have talked since he came home.. but we havn'et connected in any real level.

My biggest concern isn't even for me... but for my kids. Little things that a parent should want to do for his kids sometimes go overlooked. It makes me so sad because I know they are missing out on some of the great memories of their childhood.... all because he is embarressed, or just not interested. These are fleeting moments in their young lives.. ones that i want to embrace with them and fill with joy and happiness. Which his negativity... it delfates everything around him. ..
My kids are young one is almost 5 the other 16 months.
My father wasn't like this... He came to my tea party... he took me places even when I was dressedup like a princess.. he let me be a kid. But my husband doesn't do that with our daughter. It's like he want's her to be a little adult.. And me.. he doesnt' act like he even wants a connection with me. I'm just a person that cleans, cooks, and works... An extra person in the house. Sometimes I honestly think that he would rather be on his own.. where he could pick up and move to Romania and stay... without the OBLIGATIONS of kids and a wife.

Cinderella

 

[Cinderella3653]

Well, I had a chat with my DH this morning. I talked to him on the phone. I tried very hard to pay attention to what I said and how I said it. I'm dealing with some severe issues right now within myself. My dependance on my husband for my self worth, and my own habit of taking everything personally. I told him how I was feeling and why, without pointing fingers and starting a blame game. He didn'tsay much, and at the end of it all I don't even know if he was really listening. I'm just extreemly depressed, and see nothing but blackness around me at this time. I guess it will be a wait and see game for now.

Cinderella

 

[Macx]

Is he on these or other boards? Have you considered bringing . . . well, I am a little tattered, but I have been through the fight you now face and lost. Would you consider introducing a voice from the wilderness such as myself to your husband? I hate to sound like "I think I have the magic solution" . . . fact of the matter is, I lost a wife because instead of coming to Christians for advice, she climbed in bed with a snake. You are doing the wise thing so far, I'd be happy to talk with him as somebody who's been across the pond for missions & felt some of the things he may be feeling.

 

[Cinderella3653]

He isn't on this board. I don't know if he is on any board. They are just not his thing. Right now I have laid down somet hings for him to think about. If I feel he could benifit from contact I might suggest it.. but I kinda doubt he will be open to it.. knowing his thinking. He usually doesn't open up much about himself.. and would probaby only get mad about his "stuff" being talked about by someone else.. ya know? He tends to be a very private person....

But who would want their faults talked about in the public arena..


Cinderella

 

[mkgal1]

Hi Cinderella~How is today going? I have read through this thread and can't believe how much your situation parallels mine. I know people don't usually like to hear this, but I really think I have felt like you are feeling. I couldn't find the quote, but one day you said you were going to "shift your focus". That is so key! That is what completely changed my life for the better. You see, it may sound strange, but you will probably understand what I am saying, I think we both had our husbands in God's position. I know personally, my day's actions were decided by what I thought my husband would want me to do and HOW he would want me to do it. Everyday I was defeated, because as pleased as I thought he would be, he would always find fault. I think the frustration and exhaustion comes from trying to do the impossible-please humans. Once I changed my focus from pleasing my husband to pleasing God, my behavior probably stayed the same, but my attitude (and energy level) was so much better. God is so amazing! I really believe HE is drawing you near to HIM to comfort you and heal you (as only HE can). I really hope that I can be an encouragement to you. I am praying for you. "May the LORD repay you for what you have done. May you be richly rewarded by the LORD, the God of Israel under whose wings you have come to take refuge." RUTH 2:12