Update on my marriage

[Cinderella3653]

A few weeks ago I came here to get advice/vent, and try and sort things out in my marriage. My husband is a good man, but lacking in the "help meet" department. Leaving most of the housework to me, on top of the kids, on top of a full time job. I have talked to him about it on multiple occassions, and he will do better for a while.. then it will be back to everything being on my shoulders. And while I would just like to NOT do it, and let everyting go for a while.. I can't because that would not be healthy for my kids. And it wouldn't reflect where I want to be as a wife. My difficulty lies in the fact that I can't physically DO everything. The stress was TOO much and I fell into depression. Plus became physically exhausted to the point where I wasn't able to do anything. (which was a relief and a stressor in itself).

Anyway, there were several people here to recommended books, and Things to try to help make it better. I have obtained several of the books mentioned.. and started them. They are helping, although I know it will be a while before I can impliment them (such as Love and Respect). As I haven't finished them completely.

My current issue is the fact that "ministry" has become "first" on his priority list. It isn't that I don't want him involved.. because I do.. but his mission work sometimes gets in front of everything else in his life. He just returned from a mission trip of two weeks not even a month ago. He wasn't planning on another one until November. Now, he is leaving tomorrow for another trip. He tells me that when he is on a mission trip he feels clostest to God. That he can focus, and spend time at His feet because he is across the big pond without distraction of phones, kids, or me. What bothers me is that "revelation" hurts. It makes me feel that I don't matter to him, and in fact am limiting him in his walk with God on a day to day basis. All this from a man who isn't a "spiritual leader" in our home. I am the one who reads Bible stories to the kids every night. I am the one having/reading Family devotions every morning (even though he is usually up at that time)...He does take us to church.. but usually just the mornings. I am the one who sought out an AWANA program for the kids in a nearby church and take them every Wedensday night... He doesn't even offer, and if for some reason I can't make it one Wedensday he makes me feel guilty for even asking him to do it.

It breaks my heart because this is not what I invisioned in marriage. I want the "help meet"....I want a leader. It's too much for me to try and "do on my own". I've prayed for years for God to do a work in his life.. I've prayed for years for God to help me be the wife I need to be... but weariness is setting in..

Anyway I just wanted to update you all as to the current status of my life/marriage.

Thanks for the advice and prayers.

Cinderella

 

[Autumnleaf]

A few weeks ago I came here to get advice/vent, and try and sort things out in my marriage. My husband is a good man, but lacking in the "help meet" department. Leaving most of the housework to me, on top of the kids, on top of a full time job. I have talked to him about it on multiple occassions, and he will do better for a while.. then it will be back to everything being on my shoulders. And while I would just like to NOT do it, and let everyting go for a while.. I can't because that would not be healthy for my kids. And it wouldn't reflect where I want to be as a wife. My difficulty lies in the fact that I can't physically DO everything. The stress was TOO much and I fell into depression. Plus became physically exhausted to the point where I wasn't able to do anything. (which was a relief and a stressor in itself).

Anyway, there were several people here to recommended books, and Things to try to help make it better. I have obtained several of the books mentioned.. and started them. They are helping, although I know it will be a while before I can impliment them (such as Love and Respect). As I haven't finished them completely.

My current issue is the fact that "ministry" has become "first" on his priority list. It isn't that I don't want him involved.. because I do.. but his mission work sometimes gets in front of everything else in his life. He just returned from a mission trip of two weeks not even a month ago. He wasn't planning on another one until November. Now, he is leaving tomorrow for another trip. He tells me that when he is on a mission trip he feels clostest to God. That he can focus, and spend time at His feet because he is across the big pond without distraction of phones, kids, or me. What bothers me is that "revelation" hurts. It makes me feel that I don't matter to him, and in fact am limiting him in his walk with God on a day to day basis. All this from a man who isn't a "spiritual leader" in our home. I am the one who reads Bible stories to the kids every night. I am the one having/reading Family devotions every morning (even though he is usually up at that time)...He does take us to church.. but usually just the mornings. I am the one who sought out an AWANA program for the kids in a nearby church and take them every Wedensday night... He doesn't even offer, and if for some reason I can't make it one Wedensday he makes me feel guilty for even asking him to do it.

It breaks my heart because this is not what I invisioned in marriage. I want the "help meet"....I want a leader. It's too much for me to try and "do on my own". I've prayed for years for God to do a work in his life.. I've prayed for years for God to help me be the wife I need to be... but weariness is setting in..

Anyway I just wanted to update you all as to the current status of my life/marriage.

Thanks for the advice and prayers.

Cinderella

I'm frankly stunned. You speak of your husband as he is to be your "help meet". God created Eve to be that for Adam. Please please tell me you didn't get that understanding of scripture from your husband.

Your husband as the minister of a church is the leader of many people who look to him for all sorts of input from the mundane to the life and death decisions. For you to be there for him he has to answer his phone and go where he is needed when he is needed like a doctor on call 24/7. Anything less and he won't be doing his work for God. Did he lie or mislead you about what he was getting into before you got married?

If your work as a wife and mother is overwhelming you should cut back in your duties or ask for help. Your husband should help when he can of course. Since your husband is the leader of a church I'm surprised you don't ask other members to help out when the going gets tough. Part of what church is about is helping each other out.

Different men require different amounts of time alone to recharge depending on how much they have to deal with other people. Give your husband the time he needs and see if he can help you do the same.

 

[deliciousBass]

I'm frankly stunned. You speak of your husband as he is to be your "help meet". God created Eve to be that for Adam. Please please tell me you didn't get that understanding of scripture from your husband.

Your husband as the minister of a church is the leader of many people who look to him for all sorts of input from the mundane to the life and death decisions. For you to be there for him he has to answer his phone and go where he is needed when he is needed like a doctor on call 24/7. Anything less and he won't be doing his work for God. Did he lie or mislead you about what he was getting into before you got married?

If your work as a wife and mother is overwhelming you should cut back in your duties or ask for help. Your husband should help when he can of course. Since your husband is the leader of a church I'm surprised you don't ask other members to help out when the going gets tough. Part of what church is about is helping each other out.

Different men require different amounts of time alone to recharge depending on how much they have to deal with other people. Give your husband the time he needs and see if he can help you do the same.

AL, try reading her previous posts. I'm afraid the problem is a bit more complicated than her having unrealistic expectations of her husband.

 

[Calliso]

AL, try reading her previous posts. I'm afraid the problem is a bit more complicated than her having unrealistic expectations of her husband.

Exactly from what it sounds like her husband is REFUSING to give her any help at all. If anything I suspect from reading her posts that he is using the minstry thing as an excuse for his behavior. My personal opinion not that it matters is that she needs to get out of that marriage and find a man that knows how to treat her like she is person.

 

[SabrinaFair]

Well, to be in ministry, he is supposed to have his own household in order... and if his wife and family are suffering at his absence and lack of prioritization, then he isn't fulfilling that and his ministry will suffer too. God gives us these guidelines for a reason, and to ignore them shows a serious lack of wisdom on the part of your husband. Scripture also shows that a man needs to live in "understanding" with his wife, or his prayers will be hindered, so how can he pray for others when his marriage is beginning to unravel?

Don't stand by and let this erode your marriage and family, step up and insist he go to counseling with you to work on the marriage and prioritization. His most critical ministry given to him by God is his family, and he will answer first for that. He needs help to get his focus back on his responsibilities as a husband and father- your concern and actions will influence that.

Confront it using the principles from Love and Respect, and go from there.

 

[Cinderella3653]

I have tried NUMEROUS times to get him to go to counseling. I have gone myself and know that it helps me.. but just changing me, or "fixing" me isn't going to "fix" the situation. He refuses to go. I can't force him. I can't make him. All I can do is ask.
As for the "ministry" I don't want anyone to think he is the head of a church of anything. He does short term missions overseas.. usually once or twice a year. This year he is currently on his second with a third trip planned in November.
But this is hard of the family.. because it leaves me with two young children, a full time outside the home job (12 hour shifts in a hospital).. and full time home care. The problem lies truely in the fact that when he IS home it isn't much different. Other than more laundry, more pick up, more cooking etcetc.

I am in no way saying that my husband isn't to be the leader in my home. I meant "help meet" in the sense of working together towards a common goal. I totally do feel overwhelmed most of the time, and asking for help usually gets me no where, or a frown. He has his own excuses... even though I come home from a job too,.. he feels he has the right to sit on the couch and do nothing to "take care of" the family. I walk in, get baths going, change a load of laundry, start dinner, clean the kitchen..etc etc. I don't stop until I drop in the bed, where he usually is already in... and has EXPECTAIONS!.. (as if I have the energy of WANT to!?!?!?)

Right now he is overseas... SO I am back to being responsible for everything. Like I do when he is home. Not because I feel like I have to be the leader, but I won't sacrifice my children's spiritual upbringing waiting on him to get his priorities in line. When he steps up to the plate and says.. Hey, I'll read devotions to the kids in the morning.. and actually GETS UP OUT OF THE BED and does it.. I will gladly Bow out. But till then, I will not deny my kids the groundwork of a godly home, just because of him.

I am working through Love and Respect and already see the potential of things. I do identify myself as the "complainer" with good intentions. If he doesn't know what he is doing "wrong" how can he fix it? attitude....

When I get through, he should be back from overseas and we will see if I can impliment some of the thoughts.. problem is.. if I am the only one working at it.. how far can it go? He won't read the book. I have asked him.. So i'll give it a try.. and we will have to wait and pray.

Cinderella

 

[overit]

He has his own excuses... even though I come home from a job too,.. he feels he has the right to sit on the couch and do nothing to "take care of" the family. I walk in, get baths going, change a load of laundry, start dinner, clean the kitchen..etc etc. I don't stop until I drop in the bed, where he usually is already in... and has EXPECTAIONS!.. (as if I have the energy of WANT to!?!?!?)

Oh, not making light of your situation but it made me chuckle-just remembering my own marriage. Exactly like that...do you notice being less resentful when he isn't around to help? I do all that you do as a single parent, and I must admit that it's terribly hard, BUT it was even harder having a capable partner sitting on his behind, another capable adult of carrying a load. Now Im' tired, exhausted, overstretched but not feeling bitter, resentful and anger towards anyone-there IS nobody else to help. And believe me you, I prefer that a million times over then being a single parent/carry it all when you ARE married.

I feel for you, I SO do. I KNOW how hard that is. NO advice, mine never changed-I divorced him (not for that reason lol) and got rid of the extra work

Now, I don't feel slighted like I used to all the time.

 

[Cinderella3653]

I do notice that when he is going things go "smoother" at home. Less mess, less chaos, less anger. The kids are used to me dealing with them so there is no change from the routine.. plus I get the bed to myself
However, I do love my husband.. and I long for a "real" relationship. One where we are in tune together. I just often feel that those are things only found in fairy tales. That being married is just.....nonpassionate at it's heart. The really sad thing is what this will do to our kids. I hate the thought of my daughter marrying someone LIKE him.. because RIGHT NOW, he is not someone I would have chosen to marry. He was once.. long ago. We would work together to accomplish things.. and enjoyed being together. Now it seems we are both happier being apart. Which is really sad to me.
I want to work at it. but right now don't feel he want's to. He is content to be the way he is. He doesn't really feel he is doing anything wrong. And I can't tell him that he is. He won't listen to me... I'm his wife. I don't have an opinion that counts.

Cinderella

 

[Autumnleaf]

If you work a full time job in addition to taking care of the home your trouble is there. Quit your job outside the home and trust your husband to provide with God's help so you can concentrate on the children and the home. Part of trusting God is actually living under his grace. Let your husband's ministry pay the bills as God sees fit.

 

[Calliso]

I do notice that when he is going things go "smoother" at home. Less mess, less chaos, less anger. The kids are used to me dealing with them so there is no change from the routine.. plus I get the bed to myself
However, I do love my husband.. and I long for a "real" relationship. One where we are in tune together. I just often feel that those are things only found in fairy tales. That being married is just.....nonpassionate at it's heart. The really sad thing is what this will do to our kids. I hate the thought of my daughter marrying someone LIKE him.. because RIGHT NOW, he is not someone I would have chosen to marry. He was once.. long ago. We would work together to accomplish things.. and enjoyed being together. Now it seems we are both happier being apart. Which is really sad to me.
I want to work at it. but right now don't feel he want's to. He is content to be the way he is. He doesn't really feel he is doing anything wrong. And I can't tell him that he is. He won't listen to me... I'm his wife. I don't have an opinion that counts.

Cinderella

There comes a time when you just have to say enough is enough and leave a situation. I mean you already admited now that you are worried about the effect this will have on your children? I mean what if your daughter does get the idea that this is what a man should be? But you have given your best and continue to give your best but to be honest it wonlt mean squat if he doesn;t step up to the plate.

 

[Calliso]

If you work a full time job in addition to taking care of the home your trouble is there. Quit your job outside the home and trust your husband to provide with God's help so you can concentrate on the children and the home. Part of trusting God is actually living under his grace. Let your husband's ministry pay the bills as God sees fit.

From what it sounds like she has no choice but to work or the bills WONLT be paid. Should her children starve? From what it sounds like to me her husband is using this ministy thing as an excuse to get away doubt he is making a living wage ofany sort from it.

 

[Autumnleaf]

From what it sounds like she has no choice but to work or the bills WONLT be paid. Should her children starve? From what it sounds like to me her husband is using this ministy thing as an excuse to get away doubt he is making a living wage ofany sort from it.

Wake up. People don't starve in America. From what it sounds like to me she is using her job as a way to enable her husband to mistreat her. If she dropped it and let him be the provider the stress would shift from her to him like it should. I guess she has too much pride to give her husband and God that much responsibility.

 

[Calliso]

Wake up. People don't starve in America. From what it sounds like to me she is using her job as a way to enable her husband to mistreat her. If she dropped it and let him be the provider the stress would shift from her to him like it should. I guess she has too much pride to give her husband and God that much responsibility.

You wake up people do starve in America just because you live the good life doesn;t mean there isn;t a dark side. So her having a job is a reason for her husband to mistreat her? How [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] ridicoulus. But I am not surprised coming form you. You ALWAYS seek to blame the woman first. ALWAYS it is never the mans fault ever is it with you?

 

[BigNorsk]

I would note that it doesn't sound to me like your husband is really happy or content. It sounds like a reason he likes going on missionary trips. For whatever reasons, he probably doesn't care much for the way his life is right now either.

Now I'm a bit surprised given that that he is so resistant to counseling. Maybe you could talk to him. I suspect he thinks that what counseling is going to be is you and a counselor telling him he is screwing up and get to work around the house. It doesn't sound like he sees counseling as a way for him to be happier. Maybe you could talk about that.

If he can afford to take those trips it doesn't sound like you are super tight for cash. Why not get some help with things around the house? Even someone coming in once a week and doing some dusting and scrubbing can really help with the load. It does sound like you have too much to do and he doesn't want to help so instead of fighting about it, just hire some help.

If your husband likes getting away and doing missions, try to set up the next mission trip to include family. Maybe your denomination has a family week or weekend at camp. Or possible a marriage encounter type of weekend.

If he says no to that, go yourself to a couple and have him watch the kids. Chances are pretty good they will make it a day or two.

I know it isn't easy when you have a partner that just seems to be blocking you but keep trying. Often men just kind of fight out of instinct, doing what their wife wants to feels like they aren't the boss or something but anyway a lot of men have a tendency to have to "prove" their wife doesn't control them.

Marv

 

[Autumnleaf]

You wake up people do starve in America just because you live the good life doesn;t mean there isn;t a dark side. So her having a job is a reason for her husband to mistreat her? How [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth] ridicoulus. But I am not surprised coming form you. You ALWAYS seek to blame the woman first. ALWAYS it is never the mans fault ever is it with you?

Crack addicts might starve but I don't think normal people do. That is what welfare and relatives are for. Besides, from my personal experience most churches have a fridge to raid.

I personally don't like to assign blame. It never seems to help. If I had to in this case, and most others, I'd blame the husband. Its his job to provide. He's not doing it. Its his fault. Since he's not here asking for advice posting that would be a waste of everyone's time, wouldn't it.

Seriously, she should have a little faith and put her two weeks notice in. Then she should stand by her man and trust him to work with God to figure things out.

 

[Cinderella3653]

Ok. so now I have no faith. That's nice. I'm trying to make sure that no matter what, I can provide for my family... carrying all the health insurance due to the fact that my husband is SELF EMPLOYED and has no health insurance. I have been at my current job, 11 1/2 years... And you think it would be wisest to give that up, and the retirement that I have been saving.. and the fact that I have less than 20 years to retirement... But I should give that up to stand by my husband who may or may not even what to be with me for another 20 years... Placeing all my trust in HIM.. to provide for me and my family.. reguardless of what risk that might mean to the future ability of me to care for my family? Hmmm and I thought I was being a responsible parent for making sure my kids would be taken care of no matter what my "selfish"husband decides to do in the future. he could come back next week and decide he is through with this marriage.. and me having turned in my 2 week notice would have no income.. no family near me to take me in.. etcetc. And that is the smarter choice??? i want my husband to step up to the plate and help out,. I want a loving relatioship with him..but I cannot force him to love me. I cannot force him to choose to stay with me, and I cannot force him to step up to the plate as the Bible says he ought to. I have read the Virtious Woman passage MANY times.. and no where in it does it say she sat back and relyed on her husband to provide everything for her. As I recall she was out making fine linen etc. and contributing to the family income everyday. So your suggestion of being a "submissive, dependant, reliant on others woman" does not match my view on what a woman is supposed to be in a marriage and how a true marriage is supposed to work. I don't think I have a lack of faith. I believe I have more faith than many who would have already walked out of this marriage LONG AGO. I try to keep holding on to the faith that God can "mend" this union.. not disolve it.

But then again.. maybe my understanding of scripture is WAY off or something.

Sheesh..

Cinderella

 

[Calliso]

Ok. so now I have no faith. That's nice. I'm trying to make sure that no matter what, I can provide for my family... carrying all the health insurance due to the fact that my husband is SELF EMPLOYED and has no health insurance. I have been at my current job, 11 1/2 years... And you think it would be wisest to give that up, and the retirement that I have been saving.. and the fact that I have less than 20 years to retirement... But I should give that up to stand by my husband who may or may not even what to be with me for another 20 years... Placeing all my trust in HIM.. to provide for me and my family.. reguardless of what risk that might mean to the future ability of me to care for my family? Hmmm and I thought I was being a responsible parent for making sure my kids would be taken care of no matter what my "selfish"husband decides to do in the future. he could come back next week and decide he is through with this marriage.. and me having turned in my 2 week notice would have no income.. no family near me to take me in.. etcetc. And that is the smarter choice??? i want my husband to step up to the plate and help out,. I want a loving relatioship with him..but I cannot force him to love me. I cannot force him to choose to stay with me, and I cannot force him to step up to the plate as the Bible says he ought to. I have read the Virtious Woman passage MANY times.. and no where in it does it say she sat back and relyed on her husband to provide everything for her. As I recall she was out making fine linen etc. and contributing to the family income everyday. So your suggestion of being a "submissive, dependant, reliant on others woman" does not match my view on what a woman is supposed to be in a marriage and how a true marriage is supposed to work. I don't think I have a lack of faith. I believe I have more faith than many who would have already walked out of this marriage LONG AGO. I try to keep holding on to the faith that God can "mend" this union.. not disolve it.

But then again.. maybe my understanding of scripture is WAY off or something.

Sheesh..

Cinderella

Just ignore him that is just how he is. Seriously he always seeks to point the finger first at the woman.

And you make a good point about the insurance thing. Even if the income your husband would bring in on his own would be enough to make you all still ate what if someone got hurt? What if someone needed surgery? One trip to a hostipital without insurance could really really set you all back especially for a major surgery.

 

[Cinderella3653]

You aren't kidding. The way our marriage has been.. I would not be surprised if it ended. Not because I want it to, but because he might.. and if that happened I would have to support my kids. He says we won't divorce because we "can't". We have to stay together for the kids.. even if we are not talking/sleeping together at all. Which is crazy to me. Why wouldI want an aweful marriage experience just because he is content to live in one.

But I have also been basing my self worth on what he thought.. And after doing some reading.. that is stopping. When he gets back from his MIssion trip this time we knows we are going to be sitting down and haveint a "talk". I am just going to let him know that I won't be relying on him for my self worth anymore. That I love him and desire to work thns out betwee us but that is going to take work, and it will be his choice just as it will be mine. He could choose to NOT work it out.. and I will have to risk that. I have to be able to stand on my own.. with or without him. In order for me to be able to give my all in attemps to "continue" our marriageI need to prove to him and myself that I can stand on my own. it doesn't change the wayI feel about him. I love him dearly.. but I don't "need" him... I want him. Its a choice not a dependancy. Or at least that is the way I am feeling about it right now. He has to WANT me not just need me for support. He has to make the CHOICE to CHOSE me.. not choose someone.. and in that process he is going to have to WORK at being more oPEN with me about everything. We don't connect the way we should on any level.. and that is what marriage is..a connection between people. A commitment that we are CHOOSING that person to BE With in all meaning of the term..

Anyway.. Thanks for the imput. I have been very down about how things have been going. I have been blaming him, but it was because I have been drawing myself from him. no more.

Cinderella

 

[Autumnleaf]

Your husband works for God and you have to trust yourself to provide for your family. Jesus said not to worry about where our sustenance will come from. 'Do you not see how splendidly the birds are clothed and fed? Are you not so much more important than they that my father will provide as much for you?'

You seem to view things as a rugged individualist which is fine by me. It just strikes me as odd you married a man who would trust in God. Maybe God is providing for him by the sweat of your brow.

 

[Cinderella3653]

My husband is a self employed Construction owner. He does short term missions.. and as for being a rugged individualist. I love how you have taken certain points in the Bible and used them to prove your point rather than take the whole and apply it. Having faith that the Lord will take care of me is easy, because HE provided me with a good job. My husband does a major part of the finachial contrubution, whereas I carry the insurance, retirement, etc etc. God gave us the ability to think for ourselves. He never said we have to be robots. We have free will. To chose to do His or not. Why would I think that the same wouldn't apply to marriage??? From what you are saying it would be to deny myself and my options and choices to RELY on my husband to be the man he is supposed to be.. Well. Guess what.. that is whatI have done for 10 years.. and now I have a depression problem, no self worth. and a sorry excuse for a marriage. I waited on the Lord, and HE is the one who led me to the understanding I am having right now. It's a choice. And it's something we both have to chose. I am not to be a robot to my husband. Christ doesn't lead the church that way. He leads with choice the key. He doesn't dictate what we DO. just as my Husband shouldn't dictate how I feel about myself, or what I am doing for him..etc. It is about choice. I have been denyed that for a very long time. I have lost myself in the process...and right now I am getting it back. It has nothing to do with my husband at this moment as it has with me growing.. breaking free of these bonds I have created in my own relationship.

Cinderella