Confused with doubt/salvation/repetiveness/sin

[Jen4JC]

I first accepted Christ into my heart and recieved his forgiveness for my sins when I was four and truly meant the prayer....but I remember when I was like 5 or 6 I committed a sin that I am afraid may prove that I couldn't have been a Christian at that time.
This is the story...ok..i can't remember exactly how it goes, but here it is anyways. I got my own cat when I was in kindergarten, and she was really mean, and never wanted to be around people...... One day I got really angry with her, and thought i should disipline her...or maybe i was taking my anger out on her....I choked her several times...i didn't want to kill her of course, but the last time I did it, in the back of my mind I remember a thought that popped into my mind " if I do this again, I that means I am not a Christian." But i still did it because down deep i didn't believe that thought...but there was still a doubt in my head that the thought was true....Does that mean I was not a christian because i followed through with the act even though i still had a small doubt that the thought was true?
This may sound weird, but the reason I choked her several times was because when I was younger I repeated things a lot, Like i felt i needed to repeat things if i thought i didn't complete it. Each time I choked the cat, I wanted to stop but there was always an urge to to it again because the last time wasn't good enough....i don't know if this makes sense to you...i am embarressed to tell people of this issue because it sounds lame and really not normal. I don't know how i came up with the whole repeating issue. I can't even believe anybody would have such a problem. After, I asked forgiveness and repented. I felt so bad for doing it...i stopped because i realized what i was doing was ridiculous (the repeating thing.), because i was hurting an inncocent creature of God...that I truly loved. the thing that worries me is that I should have put that cat and its life before my feelings on fullfuling my repetition act. During this time i loved jesus, and believed i was a Christian. I just don't understand why i did what i did, i can't believe it, now that i look back..i want to take that back! But I know I am a sinner, and we all fall.
it is frustrating because most of my life i believed my testimony was that i first received Christ when i was 4, but now it makes me sad if that isn't true, because of that one incidence.
Can you be a Christian and do such horrible thing?
I would really appreciate your advice. I have loved Jesus with all my heart all my life, and things like this tear me apart.
By the way, do you have any suggestions for me to focus on in order for me to stop my doubts and confusion...i doubt about a lot of things. You name it I have probably doubted it.
I hhave felt guilty and confused about this past even much lately...it is taking away my joy! But less guilty, cause i know Christ has forgiven me.
another issue I have...
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was young, and meant it with all my heart! But, I don't think I completely understood that Jesus died in my place and bore all my sins (he took my punishment). But what I did know and believe is that God sent is Son Jesus to die to save me from my sins so I could go to heaven. Was that enough or did I believe something that was to general? Do I have to re accept him into my life now that I completely understand the theology. I would really appreciate your help because Jesus is the most important part of my life, and these doubts that i am facing are crippling me and my faith! One of my greatest weaknesses is doubt! (maybe it is just a doubt that i didn't believe jesus took the price for my sins....what if i have fallen to believe this thought?)

Now I seem to say the prayer of salvation tons just to be sure. I feel like I have to say it again and again, because each time I say it there is a doubt in my head that says "if you continue you are doing something really wrong". I continue the prayer even with taht doubt because down deep I feel that it is not true. But after the prayer I feel like I have to redo it cause I continued even with the doubt. Is it ok to continue doing something even with a doubt that says you are doing somehting really wrong?
I would really love anyone's advice!!

<><

 

[seajoy]

Hello Jen....so much going on in your head. I'm so sorry. I've been there, too.

Jesus is the One Who takes care of your faith. Your faith is not dependant on praying a prayer hard enough. You believe, and have since you were young. You are a Christian.
Now, that said......you need to see a therapist or a psychiatrist who does exposure/response therapy, and you probably need meds. You do not have a problem with God....you have OCD.

Start by trying to see this. It's an important breakthrough. You may say, "but this lady just doesn't get it." "She just doesn't understand." "My stuff is way worse than anyone elses." Am I close?

I have been hospitalized 6 times for religious ocd...I've been as far down as one can get. At one time I could only crawl on the floor the thoughts were so bad. I rarely think about it anymore.

You can be rid of this. There is hope.

God bless,
seajoy

 

[Jen4JC]

Thanks so much guys, also..what about the last paragraph I wrote? is it wrong to finish and continue an action even if you feel a doubt saying "it is wrong what you are doing"? But down deep you know it is a lie, but you still feel a doubt.
hope you understand.

 

[seajoy]

Thanks so much guys, also..what about the last paragraph I wrote? is it wrong to finish and continue an action even if you feel a doubt saying "it is wrong what you are doing"? But down deep you know it is a lie, but you still feel a doubt.
hope you understand.

It's ocd. It doesn't matter what the thought is.
Try and begin to take comfort in that. These are just thoughts, nothing more.
God understands ocd.

 

[Jen4JC]

so if you had a doubt, but knew down deep that it was a lie, would you continue with the action?

 

[seajoy]

so if you had a doubt, but knew down deep that it was a lie, would you continue with the action?

Ok, I see. Stop doing the prayer over and over. Just stop.

If you have more questions, please ask.

 

[Jen4JC]

i don't know if i explained myself right. Ok,when you are doing somehting (anything), and there is a doubt that says,"what you are doing is bad if you continue", but really what you are doing there is nothing wrong...is it ok to continue the action, when you know down deep it is ok. for expample while if you were doing something good, but a doubt comes up saying while doing it, "what you are doing is a sin". is it ok to continue with the action becaus despite the doubt, down deep you know the doubt is a lie?
sorry for asking so many quesitons

 

[seajoy]

i don't know if i explained myself right. Ok,when you are doing somehting (anything), and there is a doubt that says,"what you are doing is bad if you continue", but really what you are doing there is nothing wrong...is it ok to continue the action, when you know down deep it is ok. for expample while if you were doing something good, but a doubt comes up saying while doing it, "what you are doing is a sin". is it ok to continue with the action becaus despite the doubt, down deep you know the doubt is a lie?
sorry for asking so many quesitons

ok, yes. that's fine.
Sorry, I also have fibromyalgia, which causes something called fibro fog
forgive me.

 

[Jen4JC]

what is fibro fog? how does that relate to my question that I just asked? are you saying i have fibro fog?

 

[marcb]

Hi!

I first accepted Christ into my heart and recieved his forgiveness for my sins when I was four and truly meant the prayer....

That's great. Christ calls for us to have faith like a child.

but I remember when I was like 5 or 6 I committed a sin that I am afraid may prove that I couldn't have been a Christian at that time.
This is the story...ok..i can't remember exactly how it goes, but here it is anyways. I got my own cat when I was in kindergarten, and she was really mean, and never wanted to be around people...... One day I got really angry with her, and thought i should disipline her...or maybe i was taking my anger out on her....I choked her several times...i didn't want to kill her of course, but the last time I did it, in the back of my mind I remember a thought that popped into my mind " if I do this again, I that means I am not a Christian." But i still did it because down deep i didn't believe that thought...but there was still a doubt in my head that the thought was true....Does that mean I was not a christian because i followed through with the act even though i still had a small doubt that the thought was true?

I think this is a more of an issue of superstition (perhaps ocd, I can't make that call), than faith. Your faith is real, but your problems with your thoughts and emotions are interferring. Are you seeking counsel?

This may sound weird, but the reason I choked her several times was because when I was younger I repeated things a lot, Like i felt i needed to repeat things if i thought i didn't complete it. Each time I choked the cat, I wanted to stop but there was always an urge to to it again because the last time wasn't good enough....i don't know if this makes sense to you...i am embarressed to tell people of this issue because it sounds lame and really not normal. I don't know how i came up with the whole repeating issue. I can't even believe anybody would have such a problem. After, I asked forgiveness and repented. I felt so bad for doing it...i stopped because i realized what i was doing was ridiculous (the repeating thing.), because i was hurting an inncocent creature of God...that I truly loved. the thing that worries me is that I should have put that cat and its life before my feelings on fullfuling my repetition act. During this time i loved jesus, and believed i was a Christian. I just don't understand why i did what i did, i can't believe it, now that i look back..i want to take that back! But I know I am a sinner, and we all fall.
it is frustrating because most of my life i believed my testimony was that i first received Christ when i was 4, but now it makes me sad if that isn't true, because of that one incidence.
Can you be a Christian and do such horrible thing?

Christians are human and are capable of sinning. Peter and Paul committed more grievious sins than being mean to a cat. You were a young child. It's time to fully accept forgiveness.

I would really appreciate your advice. I have loved Jesus with all my heart all my life, and things like this tear me apart.

I think this is sufficient evidence of your thirst for Christ and therefore your faith (which only comes by the work of the Holy Spirit). I am sorry you are grieved, but know that Jesus knows you belong to Him and He loves you more than I can describe.

By the way, do you have any suggestions for me to focus on in order for me to stop my doubts and confusion...i doubt about a lot of things. You name it I have probably doubted it.

I can relate to this one. My only suggestion is to surrender to God, knowing that He has a plan for you that any flaw cannot change. Jesus died for doubters, sinners, you, and me. That is sufficient. Thomas doubted Jesus' own prophecy and Jesus tenderly addressed this.

I hhave felt guilty and confused about this past even much lately...it is taking away my joy! But less guilty, cause i know Christ has forgiven me.

Good. Hang onto this no matter what. Even if you doubt it at times, just know you are forgiven.

another issue I have...
I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was young, and meant it with all my heart! But, I don't think I completely understood that Jesus died in my place and bore all my sins (he took my punishment). But what I did know and believe is that God sent is Son Jesus to die to save me from my sins so I could go to heaven. Was that enough or did I believe something that was to general?

Yes, again what Jesus did was sufficient. It does not matter what you bring to the table as far as your understanding. Again, faith as a child is a saving faith.

Do I have to re accept him into my life now that I completely understand the theology.

No, you have accepted Him and now are maturing in the faith and learning even more about how awesome He is. Even through all the doubt (sometimes because of the doubt) you continue to grow in Him as you continue to seek Him.

As for understanding more about the theology: Now that you know more about your parents, does that change the fact you are their daughter?

I would really appreciate your help because Jesus is the most important part of my life, and these doubts that i am facing are crippling me and my faith! One of my greatest weaknesses is doubt! (maybe it is just a doubt that i didn't believe jesus took the price for my sins....what if i have fallen to believe this thought?)

Faith exists despite our doubts. The fact that Jesus is the most important part of your life, speaks volumes that you have authentic faith and belong to Him. I think you are doubting yourself and not Him. Your continued struggle to believe in spite of overwhelming doubt (the doubt is not your fault) shows an undying faith.

Now I seem to say the prayer of salvation tons just to be sure. I feel like I have to say it again and again, because each time I say it there is a doubt in my head that says "if you continue you are doing something really wrong".

It sounds like you are putting too much emphasis on your ability to pull off the prayer that will save you. Christ saves. Our prayers merely acknowledge that. They do not save us. Christ knew YOU and saved YOU ~2,000 years ago.

I continue the prayer even with that doubt because down deep I feel that it is not true.

Good! That is the healthiest thing. That's how we win!

But after the prayer I feel like I have to redo it cause I continued even with the doubt. Is it ok to continue doing something even with a doubt that says you are doing somehting really wrong?

You are not doing anything wrong. Keep praying, but don't redo. Grace is sufficient. God knows your heart and your desire to be His; He will not discard your desire because you are human and doubt. Besides, I really think you are doubting yourself, but remember you are not God. Salvation is not up to you. He's already got it covered.

I would really love anyone's advice!!

I pray that this helps.

<><

 

[seajoy]

what is fibro fog? how does that relate to my question that I just asked? are you saying i have fibro fog?

Oh no...you do not have fibro fog!

I have a pain disorder called fibromyalgia...it causes me to sometimes not catch things as easily as I should. I didn't understand your question at first. I was talking about me, not you. Not your fault at all. Sorry I mentioned it.

You only have OCD. Read my bio, it might make more sense.

I am so so sorry if I caused you any angst. It was unintended.

 

[Jen4JC]

Marc! Thank you so much for taking the time to individually answer all my questions! God will truly bless you! It means the world to me that each of you have answered my thread! GOD BLESS!
I pray God would truly bless you all indeed!
<><

 

[Jen4JC]

no problem seajoy...that is what i assumed! thanks so much for everything!

 

[seajoy]

Jen,

Hello, my name is seajoy. Could we start over?

Oh, and listen to Marc....he's very nice.

God Bless

 

[Jen4JC]

yes we can....my name is Jen!
I am so happy to have this forum...it is a God thing.
And yes, marc is very wise.
have a wonderful night!

 

[seajoy]

yes we can....my name is Jen!
I am so happy to have this forum...it is a God thing.
And yes, marc is very wise.
have a wonderful night!

Rest well in the Lord.

 

[gracealone]

HI Jen,
Welcome to our OCD forum. There are a lot of very compassionate people here.... and Marc and Seajoy have been such an encouragement to me. I do hope you will seek a Dr.'s advice and when you do you need to be as honest and transparent about your OCD thoughts as you have been here. That will go a long way to your getting the proper help that you need.
Also... OCD isn't something that you can just stop doing in an instant. God is able to heal any one of us at any time - if He chooses. I must say, however, that sometimes these things like OCD or any other illness are used by God to grow us up in Him. His grace is sufficient for us... even if we have OCD. It is not your fault... please don't let any one guilt you into thinking that you have OCD because you have a lack of faith. People have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, etc. and still have great faith. It's the same for many with OCD, or Panic Disorder. These are real disorders and usually run in families.
I just wanted to say that because even when I've publicly shared my testimony of living for Christ with an Anxiety disorder there are still some Christians who will approach me and try to tell me it's because I lack faith. There have even been some who actually mock my disorder. But there are also others who approach me and for the first time are able to open up with another Christian about how they have suffered with the same thing.. and they are encouraged to know they are not alone.
1 Cor.1: 3-4 "Praised be God, Father of our Lord Jesus, Messiah, compassionate Father, God of all encouragement and comfort; who encourages us in ALL our trials, so that we can encourage others in WHATEVER trials they may be undergoing with the same encouragement we ourselves have recieved from God."

I've lived with an anxiety disorder for more than 30 years... and it doesn't make me less a Christian than any one else. What it has done is drive me closer to Him who understands "all my griefs and sorrows."
God Bless you... Be encouraged!!!
p.s. I recieved Christ at the very tender age of 5 so I understand all about those... "maybe I didn't really get it doubts".