There's so much going on... Too much!!! Yet, not enough! There is so much I want to do for God, and I feel like He has been equipping me, and keeps equipping me, for all of it, so I have no direction right now. A part of me is fine with it, because I love to have a lot to do, but I also think I could use some more stability and structure. There has been too much confusion.
Four years ago, I was living in absolute darkness, my mind so messed up and barely any grasp of reality. I had Legion, and they were deeply rooted, and I had a heart that was so mangled by life I couldn't understand the simplest emotion, and I had so much fear and pain I had completely shut off my feelings for so many years, I was filled with hatred and every kind of sin. I also was completely full of lies after having been living in darkness for so long. Suffering from psychoses of every kind and schizophrenia, but borderline disorder was my main diagnosis.
God started teaching me from scratch, not just about Him, the Gospel, righteousness etc, but about life in general (social skills, work, finances etc). He became like an actual father to me, because I had no one else. I had to rely on Him through every detail of my life, as I was exploring life with a sound mind for the first time in my life. It's actually really awesome, because He was really involved, I could get to know Him really fast.
And He has been with me, teaching me, transforming me, renewing my mind, healing me and restoring my soul, through periods of freedom and joy, but mostly through trials and suffering. And I love Him so much. I have failed Him more than most of you, maybe all of you, could understand, and I have seen His mercy and His grace, His love and His power. He just doesn't let go. I broke down in tears the other day, and all I could say was "I'm the happiest person in the world!" over and over. I know God, and I get to live for Him, to be His servant, but I also get to be really close to Him! It is beyond amazing! I still can't believe that this is my life today! It's 100% real.
I'm still struggling with so much trauma from last year, and from my childhood, and I go through attacks from every angle, but even that is a blessing, because I get to suffer like Christ. What more could anyone want? I mean that! Because I have seen the Bible come alive in my life, I know Jesus really well, and I get to spend time with Him all day long every day. I have seen Him do so many miracles and He has blessed me in many ways, but it is the trials that has brought me closer to Him.
And the work He gives me. It isn't easy and I have to seek Him constantly. I can't share a lot other than I get to minister to those who suffer and help them overcome their struggles, whether emotional, spiritual or whatever it may be, by helping them keep their eyes on Christ, and see God for who He is, accept His truth as it is written, and learn how to walk by the Spirit and not by the flesh. Among other things. I'm still so new at it, but Jesus is leading me and teaching me every step of the way.
And I get to preach the Gospel to the unsaved. It is so amazing when God gives me the words, and I enjoy the conversations so much. I love to get to know people and I love to see what's in their hearts, to hear what questions they ask and why they don't believe.
I love every moment if it. And I asked God the day before yesterday if He could give me the words to start writing a lot more, and I have been writing half messages, jumping from one subject to another, realizing that He has taught me so much and given me so much to do. But I'm also realizing that I need to sort my mind out and really focus on what I'm doing.
Then there are my gifts... I have so much to learn. What's even going on? There is so much responsibility involved, because there are so many false signs and wonders. Those who truly speak for Christ must know His truth perfectly, so we don't end up misleading people. We have to move with certainty and there can be no guess work.
So God is teaching me directly from Scripture as always, and leading me to learn Hebrew and Greek. I used to spread occult teachings and even make up my own religions and spread lies to people. I am terrified of getting this wrong. I have to know God's truth, because I'm not going back to hurting people like I used to... One lie can hurt others worse than we can imagine, so our theology must be completely Scriptural, and we have to know that we are truly speaking God's Truth, led by the Spirit. And I have been deceived before by false Christian teachings and deceitful spirits. God stopped all of it though, gave me the gift of discernment and I have no doubt that He will keep revealing His truth to me exactly as it is.
Some ramblings...
And now I'm supposed to face my fears, stop hiding, and start going to Church, which I have prayed for for three years now, but having gotten a "no" every time, because I would have been misled. I have prayed that God will let me go to my colleague's church, because they take the Word seriously, and my colleague has strong faith, and one of the pastors is a Greek and Hebrew scholar who works with one of the Swedish translations of the Bible. I would love to get involved with that one day, because one of the other translations is severely distorting truth, but mostly I would love to just be in fellowship with those who know Christ... So I'm gonna try and contact his daughter soon. But... The way my colleague asked me to help her, just trusting me... The girl has Asperger's, and my little sister has a similar type of Autism, so I'll know how to talk to her. My heart filled with love, and then I got scared! Nervous maybe. There are too many feelings involved, and I still struggle so much with processing feelings. But God has been helping me understand them. I think I just freaked out from the shock of all the feelings that came over me. It happens to me often, and it's part of the healing process. So is learning how to talk to people.
Oh, btw, I got to cuddle the cat that God healed! It was amazing! It is so healthy! I used to be scared of and hate animals (I never hurt them!), but that is also something that the Lord has been working on. I'm planning on getting a tiny hamster soon.
I've never had a pet on my own though, so it's scary.
Praise God!
Four years ago, I was living in absolute darkness, my mind so messed up and barely any grasp of reality. I had Legion, and they were deeply rooted, and I had a heart that was so mangled by life I couldn't understand the simplest emotion, and I had so much fear and pain I had completely shut off my feelings for so many years, I was filled with hatred and every kind of sin. I also was completely full of lies after having been living in darkness for so long. Suffering from psychoses of every kind and schizophrenia, but borderline disorder was my main diagnosis.
God started teaching me from scratch, not just about Him, the Gospel, righteousness etc, but about life in general (social skills, work, finances etc). He became like an actual father to me, because I had no one else. I had to rely on Him through every detail of my life, as I was exploring life with a sound mind for the first time in my life. It's actually really awesome, because He was really involved, I could get to know Him really fast.
And He has been with me, teaching me, transforming me, renewing my mind, healing me and restoring my soul, through periods of freedom and joy, but mostly through trials and suffering. And I love Him so much. I have failed Him more than most of you, maybe all of you, could understand, and I have seen His mercy and His grace, His love and His power. He just doesn't let go. I broke down in tears the other day, and all I could say was "I'm the happiest person in the world!" over and over. I know God, and I get to live for Him, to be His servant, but I also get to be really close to Him! It is beyond amazing! I still can't believe that this is my life today! It's 100% real.
I'm still struggling with so much trauma from last year, and from my childhood, and I go through attacks from every angle, but even that is a blessing, because I get to suffer like Christ. What more could anyone want? I mean that! Because I have seen the Bible come alive in my life, I know Jesus really well, and I get to spend time with Him all day long every day. I have seen Him do so many miracles and He has blessed me in many ways, but it is the trials that has brought me closer to Him.
And the work He gives me. It isn't easy and I have to seek Him constantly. I can't share a lot other than I get to minister to those who suffer and help them overcome their struggles, whether emotional, spiritual or whatever it may be, by helping them keep their eyes on Christ, and see God for who He is, accept His truth as it is written, and learn how to walk by the Spirit and not by the flesh. Among other things. I'm still so new at it, but Jesus is leading me and teaching me every step of the way.
And I get to preach the Gospel to the unsaved. It is so amazing when God gives me the words, and I enjoy the conversations so much. I love to get to know people and I love to see what's in their hearts, to hear what questions they ask and why they don't believe.
I love every moment if it. And I asked God the day before yesterday if He could give me the words to start writing a lot more, and I have been writing half messages, jumping from one subject to another, realizing that He has taught me so much and given me so much to do. But I'm also realizing that I need to sort my mind out and really focus on what I'm doing.
Then there are my gifts... I have so much to learn. What's even going on? There is so much responsibility involved, because there are so many false signs and wonders. Those who truly speak for Christ must know His truth perfectly, so we don't end up misleading people. We have to move with certainty and there can be no guess work.
So God is teaching me directly from Scripture as always, and leading me to learn Hebrew and Greek. I used to spread occult teachings and even make up my own religions and spread lies to people. I am terrified of getting this wrong. I have to know God's truth, because I'm not going back to hurting people like I used to... One lie can hurt others worse than we can imagine, so our theology must be completely Scriptural, and we have to know that we are truly speaking God's Truth, led by the Spirit. And I have been deceived before by false Christian teachings and deceitful spirits. God stopped all of it though, gave me the gift of discernment and I have no doubt that He will keep revealing His truth to me exactly as it is.
Some ramblings...
And now I'm supposed to face my fears, stop hiding, and start going to Church, which I have prayed for for three years now, but having gotten a "no" every time, because I would have been misled. I have prayed that God will let me go to my colleague's church, because they take the Word seriously, and my colleague has strong faith, and one of the pastors is a Greek and Hebrew scholar who works with one of the Swedish translations of the Bible. I would love to get involved with that one day, because one of the other translations is severely distorting truth, but mostly I would love to just be in fellowship with those who know Christ... So I'm gonna try and contact his daughter soon. But... The way my colleague asked me to help her, just trusting me... The girl has Asperger's, and my little sister has a similar type of Autism, so I'll know how to talk to her. My heart filled with love, and then I got scared! Nervous maybe. There are too many feelings involved, and I still struggle so much with processing feelings. But God has been helping me understand them. I think I just freaked out from the shock of all the feelings that came over me. It happens to me often, and it's part of the healing process. So is learning how to talk to people.
Oh, btw, I got to cuddle the cat that God healed! It was amazing! It is so healthy! I used to be scared of and hate animals (I never hurt them!), but that is also something that the Lord has been working on. I'm planning on getting a tiny hamster soon.
I've never had a pet on my own though, so it's scary. Praise God!
