I have so much that I need to tell You. So much that needs to get out but somethings I don't know how to put into words. Other things I'm sure You're getting tired of hearing. 
I've still got questions about Christians death. He wrote that in time we would all understand, I'm not sure I'll ever understand. I know I could have been a better sister, I know that.
I don't know if there was a thought behind it but he died the day before my birthday, was that a message to me somehow.. a message I just don't get?
Could I have stopped him somehow? It was all so sudden.. in ways I'm mad at him.. even though I know I shouldn't be. Why did he let us know how he felt?? Why God why?? I feel so guilty for just showing all these thoughts and feelings away for so long? I've thought them.. but only for a little while. Then I've thought I'll never get an answer to them so why even think them?
I know that in a way I've done that just to be able to cope and carry on. Help me to move past this.. help me to understand that what Christian did was his choice. As I write this the only thought that echos in my head is.. I can't understand.. then help me understand that I don't have to understand.
I also need You to help me see through satans lies. I know I'm not stupid, but that's something I've been hearing lately. Not from people. But from myself so to speak..
"I'm stupid for thinking this..." I'm stupid for ever believeing.." And I know I'm not.. I know that.. but sometimes it's so easy to think it. Help me to look at myself through Your eyes.
Help me to look to You during trials so that I can walk upon the stormy waters and walk towards You and not start sinking. I can't do this on my own. We both know that. I've tried and failed so many times.
Help me..
This came to me.. Psalm 121:1-2 "I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." (NIV)
YouTube - I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman
I've still got questions about Christians death. He wrote that in time we would all understand, I'm not sure I'll ever understand. I know I could have been a better sister, I know that.
I don't know if there was a thought behind it but he died the day before my birthday, was that a message to me somehow.. a message I just don't get?
Could I have stopped him somehow? It was all so sudden.. in ways I'm mad at him.. even though I know I shouldn't be. Why did he let us know how he felt?? Why God why??
I feel so guilty for just showing all these thoughts and feelings away for so long? I've thought them.. but only for a little while. Then I've thought I'll never get an answer to them so why even think them? I know that in a way I've done that just to be able to cope and carry on. Help me to move past this.. help me to understand that what Christian did was his choice. As I write this the only thought that echos in my head is.. I can't understand.. then help me understand that I don't have to understand.
I also need You to help me see through satans lies. I know I'm not stupid, but that's something I've been hearing lately. Not from people. But from myself so to speak..
"I'm stupid for thinking this..." I'm stupid for ever believeing.." And I know I'm not.. I know that.. but sometimes it's so easy to think it. Help me to look at myself through Your eyes.
Help me to look to You during trials so that I can walk upon the stormy waters and walk towards You and not start sinking. I can't do this on my own. We both know that. I've tried and failed so many times.
Help me..
This came to me.. Psalm 121:1-2 "I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth." (NIV)
YouTube - I Will Lift My Eyes - Bebo Norman
