It's about 2:30AM, I keep having bad dreams. Dreams full of sin, and I would rather not dream at all. But I woke up and I do not know why, but I had these thoughts about people saving themselves. I feel like I have in to evil from my heart and thought about twisted concepts that people saved themselves and talking about me saving myself. It's horrible, and I know I have sinned. They felt too voluntary, I am afraid I am condemned. I am afraid that I am not saved at all and have deeply offended God, I do not know if I can be forgiven for this. Everyone reading this blog what I thought and did was horrible please pray to God to have mercy and forgive me. I feel like I brought evil from an evil heart, evil thoughts and evil words. Please pray that God will have mercy and save me, I cannot save myself I can only be condemned by myself. I am very afraid and because of the time I have no one to go to offline please pray for me. It keeps happening.
I rested a little between 6:00-7:20ish, but I think I have been awake since about 2:20 still.... Physically I do not feel so sick but I feel more and more depraved and have so many thoughts about rejecting salvation, fear of not being saved and being unable to be saved. I have a fear that I do not have faith to be saved, people say fear shows you do believe but I am not really reassured by this. I just had a thought totally blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I kind of feel like I want medication, like treating my mental struggles would make it better, but also feel like I'm just living in denial of hell and the possibility of me ending up condemned. I have little will to read the bible and when I do I have that constant compulsion to pray about my sins, which makes it hard on days like yesterday where in Leviticus 13 I could hardly get through anything without blasphemous thoughts, mine or compulsive. But I have this nagging thought that if I read while ignoring these I am trying to read without asking God's help and without God we can't really understand scripture.... I feel like that one song again, the girl "...with tears down her eyes, saying how did I get here?'" Feeling like she's too far to love, and saying she's rehearsed all the answers.... and something else I can't remember before "but she can't shake the feeling, that it's not true tonight." Some people have told me I have such strong faith and I just can't shake the feeling that I have intellectual faith, surface faith and am missing the narrow road. I feel like I'm stuck in a pit, and wonder how sincerely I'm trying to get out. It's like constantly cursing or spitting on someone's face who is pulling me out, like can I even be saved at this point? But I am so afraid of hell I feel like I live in denial of so many things that threaten my security.
I rested a little between 6:00-7:20ish, but I think I have been awake since about 2:20 still.... Physically I do not feel so sick but I feel more and more depraved and have so many thoughts about rejecting salvation, fear of not being saved and being unable to be saved. I have a fear that I do not have faith to be saved, people say fear shows you do believe but I am not really reassured by this. I just had a thought totally blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I kind of feel like I want medication, like treating my mental struggles would make it better, but also feel like I'm just living in denial of hell and the possibility of me ending up condemned. I have little will to read the bible and when I do I have that constant compulsion to pray about my sins, which makes it hard on days like yesterday where in Leviticus 13 I could hardly get through anything without blasphemous thoughts, mine or compulsive. But I have this nagging thought that if I read while ignoring these I am trying to read without asking God's help and without God we can't really understand scripture.... I feel like that one song again, the girl "...with tears down her eyes, saying how did I get here?'" Feeling like she's too far to love, and saying she's rehearsed all the answers.... and something else I can't remember before "but she can't shake the feeling, that it's not true tonight." Some people have told me I have such strong faith and I just can't shake the feeling that I have intellectual faith, surface faith and am missing the narrow road. I feel like I'm stuck in a pit, and wonder how sincerely I'm trying to get out. It's like constantly cursing or spitting on someone's face who is pulling me out, like can I even be saved at this point? But I am so afraid of hell I feel like I live in denial of so many things that threaten my security.
