may 15 inner life

I guess not everyone does have close friends. I kind of like it, I can't relate to most people. I like people, but I sure don't know how to explain to them what i am going through, even if it is me going through being evil to others. eventually I will learn one way or another that anger is not good for me. I could lose myself in my mind in an attempt to find myself, I could try as much as I could to be with God and still fail, but to love others? to be close to others? I don't know how. I wish to be transmuted into what is good for you and to you God, but I want to be me, just not evil. i'm in this world and I don't want to be here but I don't want to die or suffer so much as I want to be with God with no shame and no more evil. when i'm in anger I do not feel near to God. if I am sad I can be sad to God but it is harder to be angry to God when your anger can't resolve it's own questions about things that it thinks it is justified in. it is attached to other evils, to self love, to pride, to bitterness. being in evil puts me in hell, I do not want to notice this reality nor hell, I just want to be with God and I want all to be with God. I must never treat Gods people, his humans, as if they are below me. if I do then all i say is wrong and evil or rather I rail against anything good I ever said or did and make it unworthy of you, God. I mistreated your people and all the evils that poke at me hurt me and provoke me to feel evils towards other humans for what at this point feels like for no reason.

this is to quickly pull you closer to me as I desired and as you asked me for. do not have anything to do with evil. don't be a fool and draw near to God in any and all ways that you can. don't let your life be about anything but God, about whatever God loves and shows you and desires or approves of. let yourself be beautiful for God.