I decided to accept anxiety as a curse and blessing from God but this is going to end up leading me down dark paths probably. I feel that anxiety has protected me from a lot of things in the world that I don't really want but now I feel so isolated that I don't even want to do anything that normal people do to live.
it sucks not being able to have a life where I feel free, safe, and am used to all the people in my life. I feel my anxiety would be a lot less if I did not have to interact with so many hundreds of strangers. but I dunno, it's so hard to understand the meaning and destiny of my life.
I have as much darkness as I do light. I am so blessed and yet at the same time so cursed. I take great delights in humans sometimes and yet I don't want to keep existing with evil parts of reality. at darker moments I wish I did not exist at all, which is something I would feel every now and then in my past and it again has returned as of late.
part of my problem is that i'm super stubborn. but what is the alternative? to just go along with all the various things that i decided that i don't want anything to do with? humans need shelter and sustenance. that is their basic physical needs. the rest is the kingdom of God, or at least should be. I think the world made the games of status, shelter, and sustenance wayyy too high of a priority.
sometimes I get scared and think that there is no real point in existing forever. I fear that either I won't be close enough to God in heaven or that life will be so boring that it would be better to not exist. if life sucks, then i really don't want to exist, it's as simple as that.
most of all I still miss my soulmate, it is something that consumed me a lot in the world. an actual ideal person with real mutual love. seems pretty much impossible to me. I just don't know what kind of great meaning in life I was supposed to have. I feel I have already had such a great quality of life in my 32 years of life as a human. but I refuse to return to my old ways of the rat race and all the complex games that people live just to live. the great things are very rich, but I feel like maybe i'm broken because i'm supposed to be doing something else.
I been trying to figure out myself for a long while now, it's hard. but I will continue with my childish and insane ways. thanks be to God, and may God love me, for this life is nothing compared to God. and I hope existing is worth it. but I just wish that others who love me would not be hurt by my choices in life.
it sucks not being able to have a life where I feel free, safe, and am used to all the people in my life. I feel my anxiety would be a lot less if I did not have to interact with so many hundreds of strangers. but I dunno, it's so hard to understand the meaning and destiny of my life.
I have as much darkness as I do light. I am so blessed and yet at the same time so cursed. I take great delights in humans sometimes and yet I don't want to keep existing with evil parts of reality. at darker moments I wish I did not exist at all, which is something I would feel every now and then in my past and it again has returned as of late.
part of my problem is that i'm super stubborn. but what is the alternative? to just go along with all the various things that i decided that i don't want anything to do with? humans need shelter and sustenance. that is their basic physical needs. the rest is the kingdom of God, or at least should be. I think the world made the games of status, shelter, and sustenance wayyy too high of a priority.
sometimes I get scared and think that there is no real point in existing forever. I fear that either I won't be close enough to God in heaven or that life will be so boring that it would be better to not exist. if life sucks, then i really don't want to exist, it's as simple as that.
most of all I still miss my soulmate, it is something that consumed me a lot in the world. an actual ideal person with real mutual love. seems pretty much impossible to me. I just don't know what kind of great meaning in life I was supposed to have. I feel I have already had such a great quality of life in my 32 years of life as a human. but I refuse to return to my old ways of the rat race and all the complex games that people live just to live. the great things are very rich, but I feel like maybe i'm broken because i'm supposed to be doing something else.
I been trying to figure out myself for a long while now, it's hard. but I will continue with my childish and insane ways. thanks be to God, and may God love me, for this life is nothing compared to God. and I hope existing is worth it. but I just wish that others who love me would not be hurt by my choices in life.
