I've decided to write about my prayer life, to try and help sort out some of the challenges, successes, and progress that I face during my journey to seek Him and follow Him more closely. While I have made this public, I apologize in advance to anyone who mistakenly reads this thinking they may get any clarity or benefit, as my ramblings are likely to be error filled and incoherent. Indeed, it is partly because of this that I have chosen to make this blog, in the hopes that I can clarify my thoughts and make sense of my experiences.
I have prayed on and off since I was a child. Of course, most of the prayers in those younger years were simply rote repetitions, repeated because my parents told me to, and I had little understanding or sincerity in praying them (I fear that I have not progressed that much even now some forty years later). But I started to pray more earnestly in my adolescence, and in fact it was during a time of meditation and contemplation of the significance and wonder of water, while sitting by the banks of Lake Ontario, that I first encountered Jesus in a real way. I have recounted this (and another encounter) in other posts, but I repeat it here for those (if any) who might have some interest...
"I met God on the banks of Lake Ontario as a troubled and depressed adolescent, passed the point of being suicidal as I had no energy even for that, wanting to die but not wanting to kill myself. As I sat there in the stillness of the day, under a magnificent oak tree, listening to the lapping of the waves, I heard a voice - from without or within, I am not sure, and since I was alone with nobody in the vicinity, I don't know if others would have heard it, but it was NOT my voice - that said "You are not alone. You are loved", and knew that Jesus was beside me. Both of these were about as far from my beliefs and emotions at that time. With this, came a sense of hope, and a sense of peace, and a newfound appreciation for life.
Unfortunately, as He withdrew from the immediacy of this encounter (not that He ever left, but my experience of Him was dulled), over time I walked away, drifted from the Church, drifted into worldliness and even dabbled with other religion (Buddhism) - all of this slowly over a matter of years. Before that, though , there was an attempt to walk in step with Him, and I don't know how to explain the role for which He used my youth pastor in that process - as a portrait of Himself, as a mirror to reflect Him in me, and in many ways...
And then, in time, He used a young woman co-worker to bring me back, as she invited me to a small house group meeting (since I was not yet ready to return to church), and in gentleness, love and friendship, He led me back through her, into the church, where, once again He made Himself known very directly to me. During a healing prayer service, where I sought healing for a foot problem, He let me know that "It is not your feet that need healing, but your heart", and soon I was completely enveloped by what I can only describe as a golden warm blanket of love, around me, on top, at the side, underneath, within, beyond, and where there are no words to explain, but that this was all encompassing and, oh, there are no words to describe it. This was my turning point. I was different now, blessed, loved and claimed by Him, and bathed in His Spirit.
How did this conclude? Well, like any experience, it ended. But it was and I was all different after that.
What did I do to keep Him from withdrawing? Forgive me, but I think that question has little meaning, because one of the things I learned, in a very concrete way so that now I can say truly that I "KNOW" it, is that God doesn't leave us or forsake us and He doesn't withdraw, though He might not be present in such an obvious and direct way. But my response to this was to turn to Him, to seek His will in my life on a daily basis (and that has led my wife and I through prayer, counsel with godly people and pastors, and Scripture, through remote areas of Canada into the USA, going places and being people that 25 years ago others would never have believed - I could go on, but I would be getting off topic a bit).
So I seek Him as a result of this...not to go after these experiences, as pleasant and life changing as they were...they were a metaphorical "kick in the pants" to wake me up...but now I seek a deeper understanding and communing with Him.
Those experiences were the exciting rapids in the shallow waters, but I'm looking for the stillness, quiet and, most importantly, the depth of the deep waters. I want to KNOW Him in as much fullness as is possible for my unworthy being to grasp...I want to follow Him meekly and adoringly, forever...I want Him.
I think I'll end here for now, hoping I've succeeded in communicating some of what seems impossible to put into words because they are too vague to describe the reality... "
Since then, I have prayed with greater or lesser intentionality and consistency, seeking deeper communion with the Holy Trinity. I don't seek so much the emotional high that I experienced in the prayer service, although it was a means that God used to give me the proverbial "kick in the pants" and blessed me showing that He was real and loving. But I seek a deeper encounter with Him, one beyond the emotions, beyond the intellect, beyond conscious thought...an encounter deep in the depths of my heart and soul, and not simply a momentary glimpse, but an abiding resting in Him, a constant awareness of His Presence, a closeness as deep as the oceans...
Whether I will achieve such is an entirely different matter (especially when I selfishly spend too much time considering myself and my desires in my prayers, rather than heeding Our Savior's words in Matthew 16:24 "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me" - I don't seem to do well with the "denying myself", especially because when I do it at all, I am doing only for selfish reasons - oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!), but such is my goal. Oh, to see Our Savior, to walk in step with Him, to glorify the Father by doing His will...to love God with our whole heart, and love our neighbor as ourselves, filled with the Holy Spirit!
My prayer life has had its ups and downs over the years. At some periods, I have been consistent, but at other times very neglectful. I have used ritual liturgical prayers, and spontaneous prayer. I have prayed by myself and with others. Several years ago, I discovered the Jesus Prayer through The Way of a Pilgrim, and have used it since. Now, over the last several months I have been consistently praying the Jesus Prayer as part of my morning prayer routine, and throughout the day, such that I try to follow the Apostle Paul's exhortation to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). But I wouldn't want anyone to think that I do this well, by any means. I struggle, I fail.
Concerning ritual/liturgical prayer...
At one time, I thought that there was little value to such types of prayer, except possibly in corporate worship where it seemed to serve to enhance unity between believers. But as I examined and practiced such prayer, I found that often the Saints and others who had written such prayers expressed far more eloquently those thoughts and requests that I sought to bring before God. True, if prayer becomes an empty ritual, it has little value, but not every ritual is empty. So I do use liturgical prayers in my routine, as well as less structured prayer in intercession for others as it seems appropriate.
My usual morning prayer rule follows (I use the Greek Orthodox Daily Readings App, and My Orthodox Prayer Book):
Morning prayers
First hour prayers
Prayers associated with the Saints commemorated that day (Apolytykion, Kontakion)
The daily readings
The Nicene Creed
A prayer of thanksgiving
A prayer “before any task” (on days that I work)
A prayer before a meal
A prayer for married people
A prayer in time of sickness
A prayer to a guardian angel
A prayer of confession (Anglican origin)
Peace prayer attributed to St. Francis
Ave Maria (Roman Catholic origin)
More Honorable than the Cherubim (to the Theotokos, the Mother of God)
Prayers for my family, my church, my youth group, some here on CF, and other needs in the world,
And I finish with (using a comboschini),
The Gloria
The Lord's Prayer
Ave Maria/More Honorable than the Cherubim
400 repetitions of the Jesus Prayer (100 each in Latin, French, English and Greek since I lose track otherwise)
Ave Maria/More Honorable than the Cherubim
The Lord's Prayer
The Gloria
I think that is enough of an introduction. I will follow up with some of my thoughts, experiences and challenges with prayer in other entries to come.
If any are actually reading this, I would ask for your prayers, my friends, as unworthy as I am of your time.
I have prayed on and off since I was a child. Of course, most of the prayers in those younger years were simply rote repetitions, repeated because my parents told me to, and I had little understanding or sincerity in praying them (I fear that I have not progressed that much even now some forty years later). But I started to pray more earnestly in my adolescence, and in fact it was during a time of meditation and contemplation of the significance and wonder of water, while sitting by the banks of Lake Ontario, that I first encountered Jesus in a real way. I have recounted this (and another encounter) in other posts, but I repeat it here for those (if any) who might have some interest...
"I met God on the banks of Lake Ontario as a troubled and depressed adolescent, passed the point of being suicidal as I had no energy even for that, wanting to die but not wanting to kill myself. As I sat there in the stillness of the day, under a magnificent oak tree, listening to the lapping of the waves, I heard a voice - from without or within, I am not sure, and since I was alone with nobody in the vicinity, I don't know if others would have heard it, but it was NOT my voice - that said "You are not alone. You are loved", and knew that Jesus was beside me. Both of these were about as far from my beliefs and emotions at that time. With this, came a sense of hope, and a sense of peace, and a newfound appreciation for life.
Unfortunately, as He withdrew from the immediacy of this encounter (not that He ever left, but my experience of Him was dulled), over time I walked away, drifted from the Church, drifted into worldliness and even dabbled with other religion (Buddhism) - all of this slowly over a matter of years. Before that, though , there was an attempt to walk in step with Him, and I don't know how to explain the role for which He used my youth pastor in that process - as a portrait of Himself, as a mirror to reflect Him in me, and in many ways...
And then, in time, He used a young woman co-worker to bring me back, as she invited me to a small house group meeting (since I was not yet ready to return to church), and in gentleness, love and friendship, He led me back through her, into the church, where, once again He made Himself known very directly to me. During a healing prayer service, where I sought healing for a foot problem, He let me know that "It is not your feet that need healing, but your heart", and soon I was completely enveloped by what I can only describe as a golden warm blanket of love, around me, on top, at the side, underneath, within, beyond, and where there are no words to explain, but that this was all encompassing and, oh, there are no words to describe it. This was my turning point. I was different now, blessed, loved and claimed by Him, and bathed in His Spirit.
How did this conclude? Well, like any experience, it ended. But it was and I was all different after that.
What did I do to keep Him from withdrawing? Forgive me, but I think that question has little meaning, because one of the things I learned, in a very concrete way so that now I can say truly that I "KNOW" it, is that God doesn't leave us or forsake us and He doesn't withdraw, though He might not be present in such an obvious and direct way. But my response to this was to turn to Him, to seek His will in my life on a daily basis (and that has led my wife and I through prayer, counsel with godly people and pastors, and Scripture, through remote areas of Canada into the USA, going places and being people that 25 years ago others would never have believed - I could go on, but I would be getting off topic a bit).
So I seek Him as a result of this...not to go after these experiences, as pleasant and life changing as they were...they were a metaphorical "kick in the pants" to wake me up...but now I seek a deeper understanding and communing with Him.
Those experiences were the exciting rapids in the shallow waters, but I'm looking for the stillness, quiet and, most importantly, the depth of the deep waters. I want to KNOW Him in as much fullness as is possible for my unworthy being to grasp...I want to follow Him meekly and adoringly, forever...I want Him.
I think I'll end here for now, hoping I've succeeded in communicating some of what seems impossible to put into words because they are too vague to describe the reality... "
Since then, I have prayed with greater or lesser intentionality and consistency, seeking deeper communion with the Holy Trinity. I don't seek so much the emotional high that I experienced in the prayer service, although it was a means that God used to give me the proverbial "kick in the pants" and blessed me showing that He was real and loving. But I seek a deeper encounter with Him, one beyond the emotions, beyond the intellect, beyond conscious thought...an encounter deep in the depths of my heart and soul, and not simply a momentary glimpse, but an abiding resting in Him, a constant awareness of His Presence, a closeness as deep as the oceans...
Whether I will achieve such is an entirely different matter (especially when I selfishly spend too much time considering myself and my desires in my prayers, rather than heeding Our Savior's words in Matthew 16:24 "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me" - I don't seem to do well with the "denying myself", especially because when I do it at all, I am doing only for selfish reasons - oh Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!), but such is my goal. Oh, to see Our Savior, to walk in step with Him, to glorify the Father by doing His will...to love God with our whole heart, and love our neighbor as ourselves, filled with the Holy Spirit!
My prayer life has had its ups and downs over the years. At some periods, I have been consistent, but at other times very neglectful. I have used ritual liturgical prayers, and spontaneous prayer. I have prayed by myself and with others. Several years ago, I discovered the Jesus Prayer through The Way of a Pilgrim, and have used it since. Now, over the last several months I have been consistently praying the Jesus Prayer as part of my morning prayer routine, and throughout the day, such that I try to follow the Apostle Paul's exhortation to "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18). But I wouldn't want anyone to think that I do this well, by any means. I struggle, I fail.
Concerning ritual/liturgical prayer...
At one time, I thought that there was little value to such types of prayer, except possibly in corporate worship where it seemed to serve to enhance unity between believers. But as I examined and practiced such prayer, I found that often the Saints and others who had written such prayers expressed far more eloquently those thoughts and requests that I sought to bring before God. True, if prayer becomes an empty ritual, it has little value, but not every ritual is empty. So I do use liturgical prayers in my routine, as well as less structured prayer in intercession for others as it seems appropriate.
My usual morning prayer rule follows (I use the Greek Orthodox Daily Readings App, and My Orthodox Prayer Book):
Morning prayers
First hour prayers
Prayers associated with the Saints commemorated that day (Apolytykion, Kontakion)
The daily readings
The Nicene Creed
A prayer of thanksgiving
A prayer “before any task” (on days that I work)
A prayer before a meal
A prayer for married people
A prayer in time of sickness
A prayer to a guardian angel
A prayer of confession (Anglican origin)
Peace prayer attributed to St. Francis
Ave Maria (Roman Catholic origin)
More Honorable than the Cherubim (to the Theotokos, the Mother of God)
Prayers for my family, my church, my youth group, some here on CF, and other needs in the world,
And I finish with (using a comboschini),
The Gloria
The Lord's Prayer
Ave Maria/More Honorable than the Cherubim
400 repetitions of the Jesus Prayer (100 each in Latin, French, English and Greek since I lose track otherwise)
Ave Maria/More Honorable than the Cherubim
The Lord's Prayer
The Gloria
I think that is enough of an introduction. I will follow up with some of my thoughts, experiences and challenges with prayer in other entries to come.
If any are actually reading this, I would ask for your prayers, my friends, as unworthy as I am of your time.
