in the end a love that damaged me was a kind of door to see God in a different way. existence would be too disappointing to bear if all it was was some kind of door. I have hope in God that he will give his people the fullness of life that he said he would. so in some way everything will be okay, eventually. I guess I have hope in God that if reality is really worth it, that somehow God will transcend and overflow the very loves that failed or died.
but maybe your experience is not mine. for all you know the one you love is simply lead astray and you really are the ones for yourselves so that is one form of potential hope that's probably something more in line with some kind of specific predestination of souls. i'm torn in trying to understand the exact nature of this love for the soul, this eros-love... this time described in the sense of the love for being. I would say that this specific eros-love of the soul has to be it's own micro-reality, micro-everything in fact. if it was not then heaven would be missing some of its glory.
if you don't believe in eternal union with another soul then maybe at some point you can take some comfort that eros-love of this sort is not that important in the bigger picture, at least not the some kind of everlasting marriage of two souls part of it.
maybe love is something like: God wants all to be saved because he loves all even when we were yet sinners but some are just not willing so there is a kind of eternal suffering element to reality. most Christians either believe in some form of eternal torment or if not that then annihilation. of course many real lovers would pick death or annihilation over existing without the one they love. after all, love is the only real purpose and is what real salvation is... to some.
although it somewhat dehumanizes love in some ways a person could use a sophisticated argument involving carl jung theories. so it would be something like "you merely fell in love with an image of your beloved that you saw in that person and there is someone even truer to the image that one day shall be". there is that abstracted element of love and then there is the reality and real being of it, I think both are needed.
I imagine that love and desire is the most fundamental reality. if I found my love in hell and it seemed to be real love, then I know where I pick to go. they say that I deny God by that but I say I accept God by that.
maybe i'm possessed by evil but really, how could life in and of itself ever be worth anything even if you found your real love in the world? such feelings or thoughts are what happens when you keep wanting more and more. they say "stop being fueled by your infinite desire". but why? don't you think that instead of doing all the things of the world that it would be better to some how have real love and to not have to deal with anything when i forgot all the reasons why i'm even here?
so is reality worth it or not? this one does not seem to be, though this is only part of me giving that answer or I hear angels suggesting other things, I can't tell. other parts are compelled in me "please, please remember to love your friends and family, to love other people besides the one you love". who are you that says this? are you my love? I don't know if I can go on without you, but you know I go on every day. I don't want meaning though, cause you were the meaning. maybe i'm lead astray, I know I can't see everything. there is a specific feeling that says I am blinded from some povs that are good. do I have to accept every kind of good thing? am I a demon for wanting what I want to the utmost? I can't even see you clearly. I wished I knew that life was not worth it so I could end myself, I wish that atheist had the fullness of the truth so i can hurry up and end it all.
life was enough at 31, I already did enough. now i'm just a slave in the world. I don't really feel much, to do much or be anything. I have no time to try to win someones shallow and temporary love. sometimes I think that maybe the best thing to do even if I found my love would be to both kill ourselves, because this world is too much of a distraction, it's something that is against the very love I crave. so many feel like barriers and enemies to what i want, mostly because we are all creatures trying to survive and have a profound sense of separateness in our souls. I just don't want it. my life is getting worse. i'm starting to care less about the things that could never care about me. i'm starting to care less for people that do care about me. I won't stop loving them though, but they should realize that this life is not everything. so God, what did you want me to do? please don't say something that does not seem right. and if i'm corrupted so much, then you have to make me better. i'm so blessed to not see you like so many of my fellows do!
but maybe your experience is not mine. for all you know the one you love is simply lead astray and you really are the ones for yourselves so that is one form of potential hope that's probably something more in line with some kind of specific predestination of souls. i'm torn in trying to understand the exact nature of this love for the soul, this eros-love... this time described in the sense of the love for being. I would say that this specific eros-love of the soul has to be it's own micro-reality, micro-everything in fact. if it was not then heaven would be missing some of its glory.
if you don't believe in eternal union with another soul then maybe at some point you can take some comfort that eros-love of this sort is not that important in the bigger picture, at least not the some kind of everlasting marriage of two souls part of it.
maybe love is something like: God wants all to be saved because he loves all even when we were yet sinners but some are just not willing so there is a kind of eternal suffering element to reality. most Christians either believe in some form of eternal torment or if not that then annihilation. of course many real lovers would pick death or annihilation over existing without the one they love. after all, love is the only real purpose and is what real salvation is... to some.
although it somewhat dehumanizes love in some ways a person could use a sophisticated argument involving carl jung theories. so it would be something like "you merely fell in love with an image of your beloved that you saw in that person and there is someone even truer to the image that one day shall be". there is that abstracted element of love and then there is the reality and real being of it, I think both are needed.
I imagine that love and desire is the most fundamental reality. if I found my love in hell and it seemed to be real love, then I know where I pick to go. they say that I deny God by that but I say I accept God by that.
maybe i'm possessed by evil but really, how could life in and of itself ever be worth anything even if you found your real love in the world? such feelings or thoughts are what happens when you keep wanting more and more. they say "stop being fueled by your infinite desire". but why? don't you think that instead of doing all the things of the world that it would be better to some how have real love and to not have to deal with anything when i forgot all the reasons why i'm even here?
so is reality worth it or not? this one does not seem to be, though this is only part of me giving that answer or I hear angels suggesting other things, I can't tell. other parts are compelled in me "please, please remember to love your friends and family, to love other people besides the one you love". who are you that says this? are you my love? I don't know if I can go on without you, but you know I go on every day. I don't want meaning though, cause you were the meaning. maybe i'm lead astray, I know I can't see everything. there is a specific feeling that says I am blinded from some povs that are good. do I have to accept every kind of good thing? am I a demon for wanting what I want to the utmost? I can't even see you clearly. I wished I knew that life was not worth it so I could end myself, I wish that atheist had the fullness of the truth so i can hurry up and end it all.
life was enough at 31, I already did enough. now i'm just a slave in the world. I don't really feel much, to do much or be anything. I have no time to try to win someones shallow and temporary love. sometimes I think that maybe the best thing to do even if I found my love would be to both kill ourselves, because this world is too much of a distraction, it's something that is against the very love I crave. so many feel like barriers and enemies to what i want, mostly because we are all creatures trying to survive and have a profound sense of separateness in our souls. I just don't want it. my life is getting worse. i'm starting to care less about the things that could never care about me. i'm starting to care less for people that do care about me. I won't stop loving them though, but they should realize that this life is not everything. so God, what did you want me to do? please don't say something that does not seem right. and if i'm corrupted so much, then you have to make me better. i'm so blessed to not see you like so many of my fellows do!
