Blur

Today has been uneventful. Lately though I have felt disconnected from God and anxious. Duolingo's Korean course is projected to go into beta in a little over two weeks, and I might be in the Japanese alpha testing after all? I asked to be put in and thought thousands were doing it but I think it's still in "hatching" and hasn't reached beta (open to the whole site but not fully stabilised/worked out). I feel like I'm focusing on little things like my Facebook pictures to avoid thinking about scarier things. Like that image of being rejected on Judgement Day and my mom crying for me to not be taken and sent to hell. I am afraid of being seperated from everyone forever, sent to be alone in the fire and darkness. In the end only God knows how that day will go and it's scary. I want to be saved, but I sometimes doubt my faith and sincerity. I wonder if I have saving faith or "faith" to help me sleep at night. I'm just scared. I kind of thought the other day like where is my life going?

I'm just so anxious and blaspheming and not much hope or will to keep fighting. I prayed yesterday for God to make it rain, to reassure me, and tonight it is raining but I still feel anxious. I just can't relax. I guess I have a hard time trusting God when I'm so afraid He won't forgive me for what I have thought, said, and done.