-
Starting today August 7th, 2024, in order to post in the Married Couples, Courting Couples, or Singles forums, you will not be allowed to post if you have your Marital status designated as private. Announcements will be made in the respective forums as well but please note that if yours is currently listed as Private, you will need to submit a ticket in the Support Area to have yours changed.
a thought crushed my mind
- Author Soulwings
- Create date
Fat. And ugly. Fat and ugly. Fatandugly. Fatanduglyfatanduglyfatanduglyfatandugly.
Even if Jarrod says I'm beautiful, I'm not.
Big nose, big lips, big face. Big ugly brown eyes the color of... mud.
Big body.
Big legs. Muscle or not... ugly.
I'm not a stick.
I wish I were...
Today has been an okay day so far. I just realized that there was not a single SI thought during my shift today. Huzzah.
So my work week is over. (I feel so official calling it that. Hehe.) No one came for tutoring, which is acceptable, I suppose, since it is summer and they probably just want...
Up and down and all around... seems like that is how my life goes. Guess that's what it's like being bipolar... noticing new things about it all of the time. I don't want to die right now... well, not by my own hands - I feel like giving up in general, but the thoughts of OD'ing on benzos or...
There is a place inside of me where I am always going to miss eating disordered and (daily) self injurious behaviors, a place where I am always going to be longing for those things that I cannot have.
I keep telling myself... just make it to the goal weight that your N set for you, and then...
I am posting in the morning this time, since it will make a difference what I write about! Nighttimes lead to nighttime crashes, which lead in turn to thoughts of SI and SUI. I am learning the pattern.
Am at my job right now - thankfully I have a computer that works - just sitting so I...
What if. What if my parents find out.
I wish that weren't the refrain on my lips all of the time. I want to be free of this... I want to get out of this house... I want to be married. Jarrod understands better than they do... which is all too often the teenage refrain ("well, s/he/they...
Another yucky night. I really am at a loss as far as what to do about them. Just suck it up and survive them, I guess.
It's been a nice day, though, for a change. Jarrod and I went to a museum near us, then out for coffee at a new coffee shop (paninis and capuccino for both of us), then had...
Well, I'm back from the trip to Wisconsin (getting my grandparents' house ready for sale).
Things were a bit better on the trip. Not a lot, but a bit. I wasn't thinking of killing myself the whole time, so that's gotta count for something, right? [/sarcasm]
Let's see if I can talk about...
Well, I was right. My T threatened me with hospitalization if I couldn't contract.
So I contracted. To call Jarrod before I did anything, to email her before I did anything, and to tell my NP everything.
However, I won't have email for a week since we are going out of town and my NP cancelled...
Darkness surrounds me, yet do I care? Not really. I am in a place of uncaring'ness, where I simply let the "bad" things wash over me. I don't care. I don't care. Maybe if I tell myself that enough times, the last little bit of me that is crying out for help will just disappear.
I know that I am...
I pretend to be tough. I pretend that nothing fazes me.
But I pretend.
Pretense. I am queen of facades.
For example... Jarrod is a TKD blackbelt. Dr K is my blackbelt Kenpo instructor. Both of them, at different times, tried to show another person and me how to twist a person's hand/arm in a...
I was - was - past all of this. Past cutting, past burning, past suicide. But then it came back. Has come back. With a vengeance.
Let me tell you a story. A story of a girl.
She was born in 1988 in Alabama.
She moved to Pennsylvania in 1992.
She was homeschooled from 1994 to 2002.
She went...
It's comforting here, to hide behind my screenname, to not have anyone know who I truly am.
Blah. I wish that I didn't always feel like writing about me. I'm really not all that special.
you come to me with scars on your wrists
you tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
i just...
I am still trying to figure myself out.
((I remember so many things, but how do I know that they really happened? I guess I could just go along with the game and pretend that they did happen, and be okay in my own little world once again...))
I have been struggling with SI recently... am...
I keep feeling like I need to write down something of note in here. But no. I can just be me, right? and that in itself is of note. Right?
Jarrod and I are apartment hunting, but 3 out of the 4 apartments I had picked out in the paper didn't work out - would be out of our budget range, what...
I am tired of talking about things in a nonpersonal way; I generally post about what is actually going on with me day-to-day, what I have been doing, what I am thinking, etc., etc., etc. It's interesting picking a topic and writing about it, which is sort of what I have been doing for a lot of...
How can I doubt my own life as much as I do?
I've never quite considered myself sane (at least, that I can remember). Currently, I am doubting my sanity even more than I did before.
To doubt sanity. That is one of the most uncomfortable and squirmy feelings that exists, I think. You always...
Love, love, love.
Everyone has heard the word, everyone uses it. But what does it mean? to you, to me - and how does the meaning change?
For me, love is:
- an arm around a hurting friend, even if you are afraid that s/he will scorn your care.
- gentle words, kindly spoken, to let someone...
Trying to explain something to someone who just does not get it can be a tiring and overwhelming thing. I just dreamt that I spent hours trying to tell Jarrod - or someone else, can't remember - what bipolar II was all about... it didn't work too well in my dream, and doesn't really work that...
Why do good things come in multitude to some people, and bad things to others? Why isn't there some sort of balance?
Friends of mine... some are always having good "luck," some are always struggling with some new burden. I don't know if the old adage is true - "God only gives you what He knows...