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a thought crushed my mind
- Author Soulwings
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I am tired but buzzed. My dad and I went to the baby coffee shop in the campus bookstore and I got a white coconut mocha, double shot, so yeah. Buzzed. And I haven't even finished it yet. It is delicious... but maybe a little more caffeine than I needed. Heh.
Yoga tonight. Hoorah. I...
I am so sick of living. Living like this, living in general, who cares? I'm just sick of it.
I have eaten... well, less than a thousand kcal today... and that is not good. My normal intake is around 1400... and my T pointed out today that even that is low. I don't think so... in fact, it...
I just want to give up.
I am struggling like hell.
I don't feel sick enough.
I don't feel good enough.
I don't feel smart enough.
I don't feel capable enough.
I don't feel worthwhile.
I don't feel lovable.
I don't feel useful.
I don't feel helpful.
I don't feel pretty.
I don't feel loving...
I am really, really tired of uni. It's dragging me down, my moods down, everything down.
Yesterday was an awful day.
It started out with me waking up cranky... and finding out that my new hamster was dead. I thought she was the day before but it turns out that she was for sure yesterday...
Uni uni uni!! It's killing me.
I let my anthropology professor know that I may be hospitalized this semester. May as well take steps just in case, right? I am handling things okay now, but I don't know how I'll be doing later in the semester when I have about 32498732 things to finish all...
I hurt for my friends who are hurting. I am so glad that they let me know what is going on in their lives, but I feel so helpless... all I can do is encourage them and pray for them. But - praying for them is a huge thing... because it means that I am lifting them up to the God, Creator of...
I am stressing out.
Uni is getting to me.
I AM STRESSING OUT!!! :cry:
And still suicidal. This is getting ridiculous.
I don't know if I'm up for a fulltime semester, I really don't. And it's only the end of the first week, how crazy is that? I don't know if I can handle the...
AHHHH!!!! :mad:
I am still in the middle of a hypomanic episode, I would guess? because I am feeling kind of giddy but very irritable (very peculiar combination)... and very very stressed, which definitely plays a part.
I have a ton of work to do and I don't feel like doing any of it. So...
Well, I'm back at uni, believe it or not, and (so far) I am keeping my head above water. Sort of. It's going to be a challenging semester... started out on Monday with only 5 hours of sleep (got up at 2:45am and couldn't get back to sleep!!)... and almost fell asleep in my first class...
so help me, God, to let this go
to break this hold
to find myself
I need to learn how to let the past be the past... and let the future come and be new. I need to let all that has happened to me become history... and let myself grow into my new role as a stronger person who has lived through...
Marriage marriage marriage! ^_^
College college college. :sick:
I want to get married. I don't want to go back to uni. I mean, I do - I want to finish my degree - but this will be my fifth year there and I am ready to get out!! I am sure that that is understandable, right?
Marriage! I...
Enough... enough... ENOUGH!! I am sick and tired of focusing so much on the bad parts of my life... given, I need a place to get those thoughts out, but now - I need to focus on the good, too. I can still be a "melancholic poet" and still struggle... I can still have bad days and bad nights...
I've noticed that I've been going Goth more frequently in the past few weeks. I think that reflects something of my internal state... but I don't know. My T had commented awhile back about how I hadn't been wearing black much, and I realized that I hadn't been. Yet... that was back in May...
The bad nights are now progressing into bad afternoons... an icky case of my going downhill throughout the day. I hate that.
But, to be honest, sometimes the mornings aren't that great either. My moods just are not stable. It really depends if I've had nightmares or not - if I have, I...
I am so tired. Why does it never stop? I get respites, hours when I am distracted by something else, but it always - always!! - comes back. Comes back to the same thing. Self injury.
Today has been an okay day. My best friend came over for most of the day and we had a lovely time just...
The pain is too great. There is too much to handle... she thinks that not even God could handle it all, even though she knows that He can. She wonders why He has allowed so much pain into her life... she wonders how she got started on this winding and false path... she wonders when she will...
Running free, wind through my hair, grass whipping my bare legs. Scent of hot August rushing past me...
sometimes i'm a selfish fake
you're always a true friend
i don't deserve you
'cause i'm not there for you
please forgive me again
I wish I could be free. Have a break. ... I don't know...
Sometimes it feels like life is just too much. Do you know that feeling? Like you want to collapse and forget about all of your troubles, anxieties, frustrations, and pain. But you can't. You have to live it, live through it, keep going, try to keep your head above the water.
sometimes...
The darkness is lifting. Like a mist above the surface of water, it is murky now, but light is sifting through. It is still heavy, suffocating, but every now and then there is a breath of fresh air, ambrosia.
please die, ana,
for as long as you're here, we're not
you make the sound of...
I am working to get my life more on track with God. I don't know how well it is working... but I know that I am working... perhaps not as hard as possible - I haven't delved into His Word much lately - but it is a beginning.
I had a nice long talk with Him a few nights ago, and got a sense...